What Lies Beneath
by AnakinCaffrey
Summary: Peter Burke, a student studying photography, chooses Neal as the subject of his final project without realizing how personal things would become between them. Both of them have their own secrets, but they'll begin to unravel the closer Neal and Peter get. [SLASH. Peter/Neal. Rated based on initial Author's Note in chapter one.]
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I initially only posted this on my Archive of Our Own account because I was…nervous. Considering I didn't receive negative feedback like I was expecting, I've actually decided to post this here to share with the rest of you. First of all, I'll be updating warnings and such via my Archive account each chapter if there needs to be additional tags added, so I'd recommend checking those out if you're interested in seeing what I've included in the story up to chapter three. This story will include some non-consensual content, but it's going to focus on self-esteem issues as well as self-harm. I started this story because I've been a self-harmer off and on for the last seven years and I began to do so again in recent months, so this story is a** _ **little**_ **personal for me. However, I'm only going to be writing emotions and self-harm content that's moderately relevant to my emotions and experience with self-harm. I'd like to note that situations based on family or relationship issues throughout this story have absolutely nothing to do with why I've self-harmed. My family is absolutely wonderful and nothing like Neal's family, for example. Family and relationship issues here only pertain to this story and not my personal life. Like I said, I'm only writing about my emotions and experience regarding self-harm and some self-esteem issues I have.**

 **If any of that offends you or disinterests you, that's absolutely fine. You're all welcome to read this story, but I would truly appreciate it if you didn't criticize me or the story itself in a negative way. If you choose to continue reading after this point, thank you and I hope you enjoy the fic!**

Neal sat in the light orange pool of his own blood. He was showering before he needed to leave the house, before he needed to deal with his stepfather. It'd been years since he'd weaned himself off of this particular addiction, but his stepfather was the reason it'd begun again. Three years ago, he'd been a cutter, a self-mutilator. He'd been in an unhealthy relationship with an older man who manipulated him. The cutting began as a way to relieve his stress, but it'd developed into something he needed— _craved_ doing on a near daily basis. He'd gotten tired of hiding his bloody clothes and making sure the cuts were taken care of, that they weren't infected, but his mother caught him while he'd been in the process of cutting one night. She'd helped him stop without getting her husband involved and he'd ended that traumatizing relationship about two months later when he finally mustered up the strength to do so.

Now, he was being abused by his stepfather and he'd taken up cutting once again. He was cutting his legs deeper than he'd ever cut any other part of his body before. This obsession with cutting into his legs began a few weeks ago after months of cutting his hips and stomach. He discovered a greater, deeper pain and heavier bleeding when he'd first cut his leg out of sheer curiosity. He'd watched the blood seep out of him and taint the clear water beneath him as it ran towards the drain. He was both fascinated and horrified as he watched the blood pool on the cut before dripping downwards into the water—repeatedly.

He was startled when someone began to bang on the door. "Come on, you little shit. I have places to be after I drop your ass off."

"Like where? A bar?" Neal muttered to himself. Louder, he responded, "I'm almost done."

Forcing himself to stand, pain shot through his leg. The impact of water from the shower head onto the open wound stung like a bitch, but that was the purpose of what he was doing. He wanted this pain because it dulled any other pains he felt. In fact, he felt like he needed and deserved this.

As soon as he finished in the shower, dried off, wrapped his leg, and dressed himself, he was ready to leave. He'd started a job for one of his stepfather's friends, so said stepfather was going to take him there now—personally. All he'd been told was that it was a modeling job of some sort. He just hoped it wasn't nude modeling. His cuts and scars probably wouldn't please whoever received the unfortunate task of photographing him—poor soul. "I hope you don't fuck up," his stepfather said while driving him. "Mark owes me a favor, so he hired your stupid ass. Keep it to yourself that you're a fag because no one else needs to know or care. These guys will burn you at the stake like I wish I could."

At this point, Neal was hardly offended. He was almost twenty years old and this bastard had been in his life for the last decade. He'd beaten the shit out of Neal when Neal, at seventeen years old, officially came out. His stepfather, Vincent Adler, was the most homophobic man Neal had ever met and he wished he'd realized it before making the mistake of confiding in him. Vincent had almost killed him, but Neal's mother begged him to stop. For her, he'd done just that, but he'd left the house for a short while. He also left Neal's mother to take care of her son. Vincent had a deep, unbridled hatred when it came to Neal and, in reality, Neal's mother was the only reason Neal was still alive.

The second they stopped outside of the building, Neal was exiting the car. Vincent knew his hours, so he knew when to come back to pick him up. Heading inside, Neal found himself extremely nervous. He wasn't quite sure what to expect because this was his first job. He'd filled out forms the other day, but that was it. He was told to come in and they'd dress him up.

He walked around awkwardly in the hopes that someone would see him and help him figure things out. Fortunately for him, he was stopped by a man who looked even more socially awkward than he was. "Hi! I'm Dan. You must be Neal?" This man was beyond excited to see Neal and all Neal could do was nod as his eyes revealed that he was lost and confused. "I'm Daniel Picah. Mark told me you'd be coming in, so he asked me to find you and take you to your designated photographer." Neal followed the man while listening intently to him. "He also wanted me to remind you that, if you ever at any point have issues with your photographer, you can ask for a change. No nude or explicit photos are required if you're not comfortable with posing in such a way. Your photographer will have to make do with your comfort zone." Neal really appreciated that. He loved that he wasn't going to be forced to show some stranger his insecurities and flaws. "Any issues or concerns, bring them to me. I'll forward it on to Mark if you decide not to speak directly to him." He gave Neal a comforting smile and added, "We want you to feel safe here."

"Thank you," was all he could manage and it was barely above a whisper at that.

Dan kept smiling and motioned for Neal to follow him as he led Neal in a different direction. "Your photographer is our newcomer. His name's Peter and he's going to graduate college soon, so he's only a few years older than you." He led Neal into a studio where a man was setting up backdrops that would evidently be used as the scenery or general background in his photos. "He's a pretty nice guy and you're his only subject of interest at the moment. I, honestly, don't think you'll have any problems with him."

The man turned around then and smiled. Neal swore his heart stopped when the man's chocolaty eyes fixated on his own azure eyes. "Oh, hi," he said softly. "I didn't realize you were going to be here so early."

"Hi," Neal responded hoarsely. Dan grinned before taking off to continue bringing in new subjects for other photographers, leaving the two men by themselves. Clearing his throat, Neal repeated his greeting much more clearly and with a hint of enthusiasm. "Hi."

"I'm Peter. You're Neal, I assume?" Neal nodded as the man neared him. Without realizing it, he'd tensed more and more as the man came closer. "Relax. We probably won't jump into taking pictures until tomorrow or the day after depending on your level of comfort after today. Today, I just want to get to know you a little better and figure out what you're comfortable and uncomfortable with." Neal, again, nodded. This time, he followed Peter to a large, plush couch, taking a seat beside the slightly older man. "Before anything else, do you have any questions for me?"

Neal kept staring at Peter, enjoying his gentle smile and the surprising familiarity of his eyes. "Um…" he whispered, clearly at a loss for words for a few moments. "What kind of pictures will you be taking of me?"

Peter, his gentle smile never faltering for a second, answered him. "Innocent, natural pictures. You and I can go out and choose outfits together. I'm paying for all of it, so don't worry about having a budget." He shrugged and added, "Everything will be pretty modern and there might be some days when I just ask you to choose something from your own closet, something that you feel _identifies_ you in some way." Neal, for the first time since meeting this man, smiled. It was a genuine smile, too. It was something he hadn't experienced in a long time. Peter figured he'd eased the younger man's mind a little after watching him for a few moments. "You're my subject, but your comfort is _everything_ to me. If you don't like a pose for any reason at all, you have the absolute right to say something. I'm not sure how unorthodox my methods are, but you will have a lot of freedom with me."

"You must get a lot of business with that attitude." Neal was making an assumption that Peter had worked with other subjects or photography agencies prior to this. How could he not have? His ability to ease Neal's anxiety levels was fabulous.

Peter chuckled, appreciating the compliment. "Would you believe me if I said you're my first real and serious subject?" Neal's eyes widened. He knew he was Peter's current, singular subject, but he hadn't realized he was the only subject Peter had dealt with—and they hadn't even gotten started yet. "You're…kind of going to be my final project—if that's okay." Peter bit his lip nervously when Neal's jaw dropped. Well, that was one bombshell taken care of. He figured Neal was going to withdraw all interest in this job now. "You have the right to choose what I use or don't use," he assured Neal just in case he hadn't decided he was quitting. "It's all based on your permission." Neal closed his mouth and nodded, considering Peter's words and the purpose of this job. "I honestly thought Mark told you about this. I was planning to use my photographs of you for my project and presentation, which you are more than welcome to see. I figured I could let you know that you're invited well in advance."

"I didn't realize you were relying on me for that…"

It was very, very obvious that Neal thought very poorly of himself and his appearance. Peter didn't understand that because he saw such beauty in Neal, beauty that was beyond the physical realm. "I chose you specifically. I had a selection of headshots to choose from that would be shared with the other photographers. Because of my project, I had the first choice, so I…chose you." Neal's face heated up and he smiled shyly as he lowered his gaze to his hands, fidgeting with his fingers nervously. "You're a gorgeous subject and the theme of my project is beauty and hidden beauty."

Neal only gathered one thing from all of that and whispered, "So… My face made your decision."

"Your _eyes,_ " Peter corrected him. Neal glanced up at the other man curiously. He hadn't felt very confident about this job once he realized he was being used as a pretty face. Evidently, he was wrong. "Most people just want someone pretty to look at. When I was looking at your headshot, my focus was drawn to your eyes. I didn't know your situation—and you don't have to tell me anything personal—and all I saw in your eyes was a certain kind of sadness, a sadness that needed to be expressed." Neal found himself staring directly into Peter's eyes. He knew now that Peter was looking right into his own and quite possibly analyzing him based on his eyes. "Your eyes are really beautiful. I feel like our eyes display our deepest feelings or desires." Neal felt like he was giving himself and his immediate attraction to Peter away, especially after that explanation. His cheeks were pink and he had a small, shy smile on his face as he peered at Peter. "I'll dress you up and make you look nice, but your eyes are my focus. Assuming all goes well and you attend my presentation, I hope you'll see why I'm obsessed with eyes." He grabbed the folder from the table in front of the couch and felt compelled to show Neal the headshots he'd been given. "Yours held the most emotion and…" He caught the way Neal was looking at him and that stirred up feeling within him that he didn't realize still existed. "Um… I'll shut up now."

The younger man felt like he'd suddenly made Peter uncomfortable and he tore his eyes away from Peter, looking at the headshots. He could see what Peter was saying and that stunned him. "I really like your take on this," he admitted. "I thought this would be like modeling."

Smirking, Peter insisted, "It still is. I just want to focus on parts of you that give away your thoughts and feelings. They'd be open to interpretation for an audience, but only you would know how you're truly feeling." He seemed slightly nervous before saying, "I'll apologize in advance if you come in after something terrible happened and you're crying. I…may take advantage of the moment. At some point, I'd like to capture you while crying—whether it's genuine or spur of the moment."

Neal didn't really mind that. He had a lot to cry about, but he had no place to let it out. "I could probably manage to cry on demand."

Peter's smile returned then. "Perhaps. I'll let you know now that this is a safe place for you. I hope you'll feel like you can be your natural self while you're here, which means you're welcome to come in angry, sad, et cetera. I'm not looking for consistent composure." Neal genuinely felt comfortable around this man. Even if Peter hadn't assured him of his ability to act like a human being, he felt like he could be himself in front of Peter. Peter just gave off that impression of familiarity and comfort. "I want you to like working with me, Neal."

"I'm sure I will." Peter was very attractive, so the aesthetic interest was taken care of already. In all honesty, he was actually excited to begin taking photos with this man. Despite hating his own appearance, he had the feeling that he'd really like working with Peter. "Can I ask what got you interested in photography? You seem so…captivated by it."

Peter nodded, feeling like he could share his inspiration with the younger man. "My mother taught me to have a greater appreciation for the things around me. When I turned thirteen, she bought me my first camera and encouraged me to go outside and explore." Neal couldn't help smiling the second Peter smiled a smile that indicated he was reminiscing. "I started out taking simple pictures of nature. One day, I was in a park and was asked to photograph a proposal. I captured the man's initial anxiety as well as the woman's surprise and excitement. In all honesty, those two inspired me to focus more on humans and their emotions."

Awed by Peter's story, Neal said, "That sounds amazing."

"My mother loved my photographs," Peter said. "She even hired me to photograph weddings, baptisms, and other events." Peter loved the innocent and genuine interest he saw in Neal's eyes. It'd been a long time since anyone had listened to him so intently and actually took an interest in his words. "Over the years, I even took pictures of her and my dad. Whenever I look at their pictures, I can see how in love they were." Confusion immediately flashed across Neal's face and Peter gave him a sad smile. "My mother passed away when I was seventeen."

Genuinely apologetic, Neal whispered, "I'm so sorry…"

Peter shook his head even though he appreciated Neal's sympathy. Neal was the first person he'd talked to about his mother in years. "She was suffering. I know she's better off right now." Sighing quietly, he said, "I took so many pictures of her before she died." They were pictures he had _never_ shown anyone. They were so personal to him and he hadn't found anyone to share such a personal and intimate collection of photos with. He'd wanted his future partner to meet his mother someday and he would allow said partner to look at his photos once he knew it was guaranteed that his partner wouldn't leave him. Peter is a homosexual man in his early twenties and he'd been out of the closet since he was fifteen. He promised his mother while she was on her deathbed that he would only introduce her when he knew he was serious about someone, someone he had every intention of marrying someday. "Anyway," Peter said abruptly, bringing himself back to the present. "I decided to pursue photography as a career choice because of my mother. After all of the pictures I'd taken of her, I did learn to appreciate the things around me just as she'd intended."

Neal could clearly see that Peter was lost in thought and his heart ached for Peter. He remained silent, loathing himself for bringing Peter down like this. "Lost in your thoughts again?" Neal startled and turned as Peter looked up to see another man entering the studio. "Oh. Shit. Are you with a client?"

Peter nodded and gestured at Neal. "This is Neal. He's the subject I chose for my project." Glancing at Neal, he added, "Neal, this is my boyfriend, Damien."

Neal's heart immediately plummeted, but he forced a smile nonetheless. "It's nice to meet you, Damien."

"Likewise, Neal. All this bastard's talked about since getting your headshot was how perfect you'd be for his project." Peter blushed deeply, but still managed to smile as he listened to his boyfriend. "I was jealous of you then and damn am I jealous now." The way he looked at Neal made Neal uncomfortable. He was the exact opposite of Peter. Hell, he'd never been stared at as though he was a piece of meat before, but it made his skin crawl nonetheless.

A short while later, Neal went to a vending machine because he'd gotten hungry when Peter excused himself and stepped out of the studio with Damien. As he was pulling money out of his pocket, he overheard a heated, yet considerably quiet, argument. "Don't you dare go near him," one male voice hissed. "You don't need to sleep with every single man you meet."

That first voice sounded like Peter and the second like Damien. "How can you honestly tell me you _don't_ intend to sleep with him? You fucking salivate over his picture when you're supposed to be fucking with me in bed."

"I don't salivate, Damien," Peter growled. "He's a kid and he's working with me. I respect him a hell of a lot more than I respect you." Damien scoffed and Peter proceeded to snap, "You're the one humping every man that moves near you. I'm warning you to stay away from him. I don't want your dick fucking up the work ethic I'm trying to build up with him."

Neal was surprised by this blatant animosity between them. He gathered that Damien was unfaithful to Peter quite often and that made his heart hurt. If he were Peter's boyfriend, he'd never even dream of cheating on Peter. "You know better than anyone that I get everything I want. Keep that in mind." That remark sounded so…pointed, like it was directed at Peter. There was a brief sound of a kiss and then Damien added, "I can see that you've got the hots for your subject and I knew that before you even met him. Whoever sticks it in him first gets to keep his ass."

Peter made a sound of disgust, a sound that made Neal's stomach uneasy. "He's not a prize to be won. He's not a sexual object." Damien laughed and Neal felt even more uneasy. "How the hell did I ever love you? You're such a pig."

"Oh, don't be such a prude, Peter. He's young. He'll be fun." Damien made a sound of delight before saying, "We could always call it a tie and stick it in him— _together._ The three of us could even live together and fuck every night!"

"You're a sick fuck," Peter snarled. "Get the hell out of here and don't you dare set foot in this building ever again." Damien let out a sound of disbelief. "I'll move out of the apartment tonight, Damien. I'm done with this bullshit. I can't handle how fucking animalistic you are." Neal felt awful. He knew he wasn't completely at fault for the end of their relationship, but he'd never been a reason that a relationship fell apart. "Jesus Christ!" Neal startled and suddenly realized he was face to face with Peter himself. "How long have you been standing here?" Neal looked absolutely mortified and frozen as a result of his mortification. He hadn't meant to get caught eavesdropping, but he had been. All he'd come out here for was a God damn candy bar and he destroyed an already destructive relationship.

Peter was about to say something else, but Neal stammered, "I'll leave. I'm so sorry."

The older man reached out and took Neal's thin wrist in his hand. "You don't have to," he insisted. "I'm so sorry that you overheard all of that, but I promise you that you have nothing to worry about." He released Neal's wrist and attempted to smile. "You're safe with me. And…" His smile faltered for a moment. "Just so you're aware, you and I will not partake in any sexual activities. We're both professionals and… I mean… Uh…" Peter was struggling because he could see how Neal felt about him already. He was really surprised by Neal's immediate attraction to him of all people. How could this gorgeous creature be interested in him?

"I'm…gay," Neal whispered. He hesitated before adding, "But I completely understand."

Peter insisted, "If this is…an uncomfortable situation for you, we could… We could find you another photographer."

Neal shook his head. "I think we'll be fine. As long as he stays away like you asked…"

"He will. I won't let him do anything to you." He gave Neal a reassuring smile then. "Consider yourself under my absolute protection." Neal returned the smile and Peter led him back into the studio they'd initially met in. Peter did everything he possibly could to make Neal feel comfortable considering things had gotten slightly uncomfortable already. They even began to practice a few poses and Peter snapped a few starter photos of Neal. He'd pulled different backdrops out and Neal posed in a very modest way, in poses that he put himself into. Neal sat with his legs crossed and looked straight at the camera now because Peter had asked him if he wouldn't mind doing that. One photo had been of Neal's profile, but Peter liked frontal photos more. He'd turned Neal and leaned him back casually, adjusting Neal so that Neal was holding himself up by positioning his arms behind his torso.

The moment Peter had put the camera in front of his face and focused on Neal, he knew he was fucked. He was attracted to Neal like Damien had suggested. After promising Neal that he'd protect him from Damien and that their relationship would remain professional, he loathed himself. There was just something about him that drew Peter in. The way Neal's eyes looked made him choose Neal as his subject, but there was something now that Peter couldn't understand. He hadn't loved Damien in quite some time, but he tried to make it work and remained faithful to an unfaithful man. He'd known for the last six months that Damien had been cheating on him and sleeping with other men, men he met online or in a gay bar.

Damien had a type and he was definitely into sluts as Peter discovered. They were promiscuous and ready to throw themselves at him instantly. Peter had even come home to find another man in _their bed_ or in their shower. The first time it'd happened, Peter had gotten into a verbal and physical fight that was only broken up by the police. Ever since that night, he'd never fought Damien like that again. In the end, he realized it wasn't worth it anymore, but he stayed nonetheless and put the minimal amount of effort into their relationship. He hoped to God that he never had to reveal any of that to Neal even though Neal heard quite a bit already. He figured Neal didn't want or need his baggage, most of which was very emotional, and decided that there were things that had happened between him and Damien that he'd probably never feel comfortable opening up about.

His older brother had always been his biggest source of support and comfort, but that all changed when Peter came out to him. They hadn't spoken since then and their father tried to keep Peter in their lives. It was strenuous and stressful at best. He didn't even have very many friends, so he felt like he truly had no one to confide in when it came to his deepest and darkest secrets.

"You okay?" Peter startled when he realized he'd been completely distracted and had left Neal waiting for him to take the photo he'd requested of Neal. A single look at Neal reflected a great deal of concern and sympathy, two things he hadn't seen directed towards himself in quite some time.

Nodding and clearing his throat, Peter said, "Yes. I was just momentarily distracted." Neal kept looking at him sympathetically and Peter actually appreciated that. Neal seemed like a very sweet, very caring, young man. Whoever Neal fell in love with would be a very lucky human being.

He knew Neal was only a few years younger than him, but he believed his biggest flaw was that he wasn't attractive enough to be with someone in Neal's league. He couldn't keep a subpar man like Damien interested in and attracted to him, so how could he possibly keep this beautiful, flawless, self-conscious creature in front of him interested?


	2. Chapter 2

Since Neal began his work with Peter, he couldn't help feeling a little happier. They'd been working together for about two months now and Peter was fantastic with him. Peter treated him well, brought lunch and snacks in for him, and had given him his cell phone number so they could keep in contact over the weekends or later in the day after they were finished working for the day. To Neal, this was absolutely perfect. He always felt so alone, but Peter had changed all of that for him. It was almost as if Peter were aware of his every feeling even when they weren't together. He'd gotten Neal to stop himself from cutting from time to time without realizing it and Neal wasn't quite sure what to think about that. No one ever made him stop the way Peter could and Peter didn't even know he was a cutter. His mother had begged him to stop once and thought he'd gotten over this for good, but Peter just had a way with words even when they were texting. Without knowing about Neal's situation, he made Neal feel better.

For instance, at this very moment, Neal was contemplating suicide because his stepfather was screaming at him in a drunken stupor and banging on Neal's bedroom door in the hopes of eventually breaking it down. Neal was holding his head in his hands with his back against the wall furthest from the door and he'd pulled his knees up to his chest before he'd begun to sob. He didn't really want to die, but he didn't want to live with this either. Vincent, for the last two months, had been taking his paycheck as soon as he came home after Peter handed it to him, so he had no way of escaping this hell because he had no money and nowhere safe to go.

Neal could hear his mother begging Vincent to calm down, to come with her and leave Neal alone, but he wouldn't listen to her. He'd been out all night with his drinking buddies and Neal, as always, was his focus as soon as he returned home. When he was drunk, he let out all of his true feelings regarding Neal. Neal hadn't doubted for a second that Vincent would end his life if given the opportunity, so Vincent's immediate arrival at his bedroom door hadn't been unexpected. Because it hadn't been unexpected, his bedroom door had been locked well before Vincent even came home. He knew better than to leave his door unlocked after Vincent spent hours upon hours drinking.

While Vincent was screaming and banging on the door very loudly, there was another sound that Neal registered and he was honestly really shocked and relieved by the timing. Quickly, he pushed himself up and ran to his bed, pulling his phone off of the charger to see that Peter was calling him. He wanted so desperately to answer, but he couldn't explain this to Peter, so he let it go. As soon as Peter left a voice message, Neal quietly played it back to himself, holding it right up to his ear so he could listen to Peter talk to him. " _Hey, Neal… Uh, it's just me—Peter._ " Neal thought it was really cute that, every time Peter left a message, Peter always made sure he said it was him. " _I was heading up to the mall and I thought I'd ask if you wanted to go with me. If not, that's totally fine. I'm hanging out at my…place…for another half hour after I leave this message, so you can call me or text me back. If you can't drive yourself, I can come pick you up. Just…you know, let me know._ " Peter hesitated and Neal knew Peter was struggling with something. Usually, Peter left nervous and flustered voicemails, but this one sounded pretty distressed, as though he would use any excuse to see Neal. " _Okay. I'll hang up now. I really hope you'll want to go, but it's really okay if you don't want to. Um… Okay. Bye._ "

As Neal found himself smiling despite his tears, he heard his door make a God awful sound and turned to see that Vincent had broken the center of the door. He panicked and glanced around quickly. Vincent had only punched a hole through the center of the door, but he could probably see into Neal's bedroom, so Neal darted across the room and opened his window as quietly as he could manage. The only thing he took with him as he climbed out of the window was his cell phone. He had no money, so all he really needed was his phone. Before he'd gotten all the way out, he hesitated. Despite as awful as he felt about doing so, he was going to ask if Peter could help him get his prescription with the promise that he'd eventually pay Peter back.

He'd been feeling terrible physically and figured it was discontinuation symptoms because he hadn't realized Vincent didn't want to pay for his antidepressants anymore. He hadn't had time to help his body wean off of the medication, so he'd been forced to go without them for the last couple of weeks. Quickly, he tore the prescription label off of his pill bottle and stuffed it into his pocket before darting for the window. With the intense headache and dizziness his was feeling, he didn't know how he managed to make it out as quietly and safely as he did.

He ran away as soon as he was outside, darting down the street to the gas station. He'd run here before and one of the ladies knew something was wrong every single time he came, so he tried to avoid going inside. He stood outside of the small store and turned his phone screen on, unlocking his phone. As he went through his contacts to get to Peter's name, he couldn't help cautiously glancing in the direction of his home just to make sure Vincent wasn't coming after him while his guard was down. Neal meant to send Peter a text, but he'd ended up calling him instead. Holding the phone up to his ear without tearing his gaze away from the direction Vincent would likely come from if he were to run after him, he waited until Peter picked up and didn't give Peter a chance to speak. "Hey, it's me," he said frantically. "I definitely want to go with you, but I definitely need a ride."

Neal shut his eyes tightly, loathing himself for sounding so desperate and afraid because Peter knew something was wrong. " _Neal, are you okay? Where are you?_ "

The noises around Neal obviously didn't sound like he was at home and Peter was worried because he knew Neal didn't have the ability to drive on his own. "I'm… I'm okay now. Can you come to the Country Fair on west eighth?"

" _Of course. Please stay there, okay? I'll be there in five minutes._ "

Neal hadn't the slightest idea as to how Peter thought it would take him five minutes to get from his place to here. He was practically across the city. "I'll be here," he whispered, attempting to calm his breathing. He ended the call and sat down on the sidewalk, holding his head in his hand. Dizziness struck him very hard suddenly and he realized why immediately. It'd been about two weeks since the last time he'd taken his antidepressants—because he ran out. Vincent wouldn't call in a refill for him nor would he offer to pay for it, so Neal didn't know what to do. Without money of his own, he definitely couldn't afford to pay for his antidepressants, but he felt like he really needed them.

He stayed exactly where he was until he heard a car door open and close very quickly, followed by footsteps were nearing him. Glancing up quickly, he nearly screamed until he realized Peter was the one running towards him—not Vincent. "Neal, what's going on?" He immediately knelt in front of Neal and could see the tear stains on his cheeks as well as the fresh tears that were coming on as a result of the headache he was getting without his antidepressants. This headache had gone on for well over a week and Neal could see suicide as his only option to stop all of these awful feelings he was experiencing. "Hey," Peter said softly, caressing the side of Neal's face. "Whatever it is, it's okay now. I'm here and you'll be okay with me." Neal nodded and tried to wipe his tears away frantically. "Is there anything I can do for you? You look sick."

Letting out a shuddering gasp, Neal whispered, "I really need your help. I'm so sorry, but I need help." Peter nodded as his brows furrowed in concern. He'd never seen Neal like this. Over the last couple of weeks, he'd noticed that Neal hadn't been acting like himself, but he hadn't wanted to bother Neal if Neal didn't want to talk to him about whatever was going on. Initially, Peter thought he was putting too much stress on Neal, so he'd taken it easy with Neal since then, but he could see that this was something completely unrelated to work. "I-I need help," he whispered.

"Okay," Peter conceded. "I'll help you. Come with me and I'll take you wherever you need to go." He carefully helped Neal rise to his feet and had to pull Neal against him when it looked like Neal was about to collapse. "Neal, you're okay with me. Don't worry, please." Neal was shaking against him even as he helped Neal get into his car. Quickly, he rounded the nose of the car and got into the driver's seat, glancing at Neal worriedly. "Tell me where to go."

"I need to get to the Manhattan Health Center." Peter nodded and immediately began to drive. Occasionally, he glanced over at Neal and could see that something was really wrong with him. He didn't want to ask questions because he didn't want to pressure Neal to answer them. Whatever was going on, he hoped Neal would feel comfortable talking to him about it eventually. "I-I feel awful for asking-for _begging_ you, but can…" Peter glanced at him when they reached a red light and Neal could see the genuine concern in Peter's eyes. "Can you please pay for my medicine? I can't afford it. Please don't ask why."

Peter nodded and whispered, "Are you going through withdrawal?" Neal silently nodded in response and Peter couldn't help asking, "Are you a drug addict?"

Neal shook his head and burst into tears again. Peter's lips parted as he watched Neal fall apart. He reached over and took Neal's left hand in his right, intertwining their fingers as he began to drive again. "I need my antidepressants. I can't afford a refill."

"Okay," Peter said softly. "Don't worry. I'll pay for them." He rubbed his thumb over Neal's hand and hoped he was relaxing Neal a little. He didn't know what else to do for Neal at the moment, so this was the best he could offer. Fortunately, Neal didn't seem to mind having Peter's fingers intertwined with his own. In fact, he'd tightened his grip on Peter's hand as though he desperately needed Peter's support. "Don't worry, Neal. You're going to be okay." Curiously, he asked, "Which antidepressants are you on?"

"Wellbutrin," Neal whispered.

Peter didn't know a whole lot about antidepressants, but he could see what it did to people. Damien was on antidepressants and went cold turkey, as he assumed Neal was forced to, and Damien had acted erratically until he finally decided to get back on the medication. Neal was acting slightly different in comparison to how Damien had acted, but he didn't care. He had every intention of getting Neal back on his medication if he desperately needed to. "How long have you been feeling this way?"

"A couple weeks. It wasn't this bad last night, but it's gotten progressively worse since I woke up this morning." Quietly, he muttered, "I fucking hate weekends."

He hadn't been quiet enough and Peter heard him, but Peter refrained from asking Neal to expand on that. "All right. Well, we're going to get you back on them immediately."

As soon as they arrived at the health center, both men exited the car and Neal began to reach into his pocket for the prescription label. Peter watched the other man carefully and saw how much Neal was trembling as he struggled to straighten out the label.

Peter held out his hand and Neal took it as soon as he'd gotten close enough. He was very grateful for Peter in that moment. Never before would he have felt comfortable calling anyone for help, let alone asking anyone to do something for him. Peter agreed to help him almost immediately and that surprised Neal. He hadn't been surprised by the initial questions Peter asked, but he was taken aback by how much knowledge Peter seemed to have regarding antidepressants since he knew which questions to ask afterwards,.

Neal went straight to the receptionist and she noticed that there was something really off about him as soon as he stepped up to the counter. "Hi. How can I help you?"

"I-I…"

Peter watched Neal struggle and figured Neal wasn't really accustomed to speaking with medical staff of any kind, so he took over for him. "He's going through discontinuation symptoms. He stopped taking his antidepressants abruptly because he couldn't afford them, but he really needs to get back on them." The woman in front of them watched Neal nervously. She could recognize the symptoms Neal was outwardly expressing, especially since he'd begun to cry right there. "I'm going to pay for them, so please don't think I'm asking for free medicine."

The woman nodded and asked, "Do you have the prescription?"

Peter glanced at Neal and whispered, "Honey, give her the label." Neal startled and did as Peter asked. He hadn't been able to concentrate on what was being said and he couldn't think about anything he wanted to say to this woman. "It's okay, Neal."

The woman glanced at the prescription label and nodded. She thought she'd seen Neal here before, but she couldn't recall his name. Now that she saw his name, she knew he was the stepson of Vincent Adler. It was an extreme surprise to her that Vincent hadn't paid for his stepson's medication, but she was going to take care of him nonetheless. "Give me five minutes and I'll have this taken care of, Mister Caffrey."

Neal nodded and followed Peter when Peter led him towards the nearest chair to sit down in. Peter wrapped his arm around Neal and let Neal cry against him. This wasn't exactly how he'd intended on spending his Friday afternoon since they didn't have to work, but he was relieved that Neal had asked for his help rather than pretending everything was fine and going about the original plans Peter had. He'd really wanted to spend time with Neal even though he'd texted Neal a little before going to bed the previous night. Over text messages, Neal seemed absolutely fine. "I'm so sorry," Neal whispered.

"Don't be," Peter said softly, rubbing Neal's left arm gently. "Thank you for asking me to help you. You really needed this, Neal, so I'm more than happy to help you if these make you feel better." Neal nodded against Peter and Peter smiled faintly. "I know you said not to ask, but why couldn't you afford them? I'm the one who puts your paycheck into the little envelope I give you every two weeks, so—"

"My stepfather takes my paychecks," Neal said through his teeth. "I have no money. He wouldn't pay for my medicine. He doesn't care about me."

Peter felt awful. He hadn't realized that Neal, technically, wasn't getting paid at all. Had he known that Neal wouldn't be using the money for himself, he would've offered to help Neal out earlier on. "Do you have a bank account?" Neal shook his head. "Okay. Sweetheart, before your next paycheck, you and I are going to set one up for you. I'm going to set up a direct deposit for you so your money goes right into your account. He won't be able to take your money from you as long as you don't let him log in and transfer it over."

Neal sniffled and looked up at Peter, whispering, "You're really going to help me?"

"Of course," Peter said instantly. He could see that Neal wasn't used to getting help from anyone and he really wondered about Neal's home life considering he'd picked Neal up at a Country Fair and found him in tears on the sidewalk. Neal never spoke about his family and Peter hadn't felt the need to question Neal unless Neal felt like talking. "You need your medicine and I'm sorry that your stepfather didn't pay for it. If I'd known you were suffering, I would've helped you before. I—"

"Please," Neal whispered, "stop talking. You're going to make me cry even harder."

Peter smiled sadly at the younger man and nodded. He could see the gratitude in Neal's eyes and felt terrible. While he'd been going through his evening classes and working with Neal, he hadn't once thought that Neal might be suffering to this extent despite actually expressing some symptoms while they'd been working together. Peter came from a wealthy family, so he didn't exactly need a job, but he wanted one nonetheless.

After watching Neal and seeing his personal struggle, he was glad he chose to look for a job. Had he not sought out a photographer's career, he didn't know if he'd have met Neal, which meant he wouldn't have been able to help Neal, and it seemed like Neal had no one to rely on. For all he knew, Neal was probably feeling suicidal and might have committed suicide had he not asked Peter for help. Despite not knowing a whole lot about Neal, Peter couldn't imagine his life without Neal now. He was so used to seeing this beautiful man every morning and texting him quite often when they weren't together. Neal is the first good friend he's had in a while and they hadn't spoken about anything personal.

He'd initially wanted to see Neal so he could keep himself from going back to Damien, but this was more important than his need to see someone better than his ex-boyfriend. Since they'd broken up in front of Neal, he'd messed up and fucked with Damien at least five times. He had a place of his own now, but he kept going right back to Damien, right back to sex with Damien. He thought he had a serious problem and he thought about talking to Neal about it, but this… Holy shit. Whatever was going on in Neal's life was so much worse than the relationship dilemma Peter was facing. "Mister Caffrey?" the woman called out, glancing in their direction.

Neal straightened up and Peter gently placed a hand on his chest as he stood, whispering, "Stay here. I'll get it." He went back to the front counter and could see how worried this woman was about Neal. He slid his card through the reader and signed for Neal's medication without hesitating. He'd done this for Damien in the past, so he knew the process pretty well. "Thank you so much," he whispered to the woman while he was finishing up with the payment.

"Thank you for helping him," was all she said in response before handing him the bag with Neal's prescription in it. She gave Peter a grateful smile before allowing Peter to walk away.

As soon as he was close enough to Neal, he said, "Okay, sweetheart. We're all set." Neal looked up at him and he felt so…awed by Neal. He could see how sad and desperate Neal was, but he could see the gratitude and affection in Neal's eyes as Neal stood up and he handed Neal the bag. "I have water in the car if you want to take your medicine when we get back in—if you don't mind drinking from the bottle I was using."

Neal shook his head. "I don't care if you were drinking out of it. I'd drop down to the ground and kiss your feet right now if you asked me to," he whispered when Peter led him back outside. Peter's eyes widened and he stared at Neal in surprise, realizing the extent of Neal's gratitude then. Clearly, no one had ever helped Neal in a way that Neal needed until now.

Quickly, he unlocked the car doors and let Neal inside, getting in himself. He reached into the backseat and grabbed his bottle that had flown back there when he drove like a speed demon to get to Neal earlier. He was kind of glad he'd spent the night with Damien because he was closer to where Neal had asked him to go. Despite loathing himself for relapsing and going back to Damien again, he felt better since he could help Neal fairly quickly. "Here you go," he said gently after he took the cap off and held it out for Neal.

He watched Neal quickly pull his pills out of his bag and open the bottle, pulling two pills out. He set the bottle down on the car seat between his legs and accepted the water bottle from Peter, drinking from it first before putting the pills into his mouth and swallowing them both simultaneously. "Thank you," Neal whispered as he wiped his face off. He felt ridiculous for crying so much, but he figured this was all part of his discontinuation symptoms. He'd been taking this medication for the last five years and this was the first time Vincent hadn't paid for him, so he didn't really know what was going on initially. He'd never felt like this before, so he knew it had to do with his medication.

"There's no reason to thank me," Peter admitted. The one thing he didn't want to admit was that he was falling in love with Neal. Considering how many times he'd gone back to Damien for sex, he didn't know how he'd make anything work between him and Neal. As he could see now, Neal's personal life seemed awful. The last thing Peter wanted to do was get involved with him and break his heart. Granted, he never wanted to do anything to hurt Neal after seeing him the way he was when he found him. He hadn't seen Neal cry before now and he hadn't felt compelled to pull out his camera and snap a picture for a second.

Neal was truly suffering and Peter's first instinct was to do whatever he possibly could to make Neal feel better. Perhaps that was saying something about his feelings for Neal. He'd seen Damien cry once and the first thing they'd done was fuck. That hadn't even occurred to him when he jumped out of his car and ran to Neal. He didn't want to see this beautiful creature in front of him cry. No, he didn't deserve to cry. With a smile as beautiful as his eyes, Neal should never have to cry. "Did you still want to go to the mall?" Neal asked after a few moments of silence. He felt uncomfortable with Peter watching him so intently, but he appreciated it as well.

Peter gave him an incredulous look before schooling his expression when Neal glanced at him. "You look like you haven't slept very well in a while." Neal looked away and Peter figured he was right. "Why don't I take you back to my place and—?"

"I'm a virgin," Neal whispered abruptly, lowering his head as though he were ashamed.

The slightly older man once again looked incredulously at Neal. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I can repay you with sex, but I just wanted to let you know that I've never done it before."

"Neal, Jesus Christ." Neal lifted his head and looked at Peter as though he were in physical pain worse than what he'd been feeling before. "I was going to ask if you wanted to come home with me and _rest._ I'm not asking for any favors or repayments. I'm trying to help you."

Neal blinked back his tears and looked away again. He honestly believed Peter was going to have sex with him when Peter took him back to his place. Now he realized how wrong he was, but it still didn't alleviate his feelings of anxiety and nervousness upon being in another man's home. The last time he'd been with an older man in said man's home, he'd almost been raped. He figured he could offer himself up beforehand so it wouldn't be rape, but he'd been very wrong about Peter. "I… I'd like that very much then."

Peter let out a heavy sigh of relief. He hadn't realized he was holding his breath as he waited for Neal's response. His concern for Neal's well-being was why he'd offered to bring Neal home with him. The feelings he had for Neal, he was struggling to keep at bay, but he desperately wanted to take care of Neal. Upon realizing Neal thought of himself as a sex opportunity for Peter, Peter wanted to shut that down immediately. He wasn't going to use Neal like that, especially not after paying for Neal's antidepressants. If he had to help Neal make any more payments down the road, he didn't want Neal thinking he had to repay Peter with unnecessary sex just so he could mentally and physically feel better by taking his antidepressants. Neal desperately needed to get back on them and Peter was incredibly inclined to help him. "If you want, you can stay with me for a while. I don't know what's going on at home, but I don't want you to go back if you're afraid or if you're going to be hurt."

The younger man struggled for a few minutes as Peter started the car and proceeded to drive them to Peter's apartment. Neal didn't know if he wanted to tell Peter about his stepfather. He'd never said anything to anyone about Vincent—not even his own mother. He knows his mother loves Vincent, but he knows how much she loves him, too. He was her son before Vincent ever came into the picture and she loved him dearly after separating from his father. She'd fought Vincent a few times to pull him away from beating Neal and Vincent had stopped each time she did that without ever laying a finger on her.

Vincent, while he treated Neal like absolute shit, at least had the decency to treat his wife properly. Out of everything Vincent's ever done, Neal was grateful for the fact that his mother was appreciated by Vincent. His own father had been abusive to _her_ and Vincent was a slight step up from that. He took care of her, but he despised Neal with such a blatant intensity. She knew it as well as Neal did and she always did whatever she could to protect him. Sometimes, it wasn't enough. She'd been forced to rush Neal to the emergency room once or twice in the last couple of years and the two of them had to lie each and every time because they knew Vincent would win if they pressed charges against him.

The bastard had the money to beat them in the court and, aside from that, Neal didn't want his mother to be forced to leave a man she obviously loved. Despite what Vincent did to him, he wanted his mother to be happy. If he had to run away or commit suicide—or both—in order to let her live out a happy life with Vincent, he'd do it. He'd watched his father abuse her when he was very young and knowing that Vincent wouldn't do that to her relieved Neal. Vincent had been with her for a little over ten years now and he'd never once struck her or yelled at her.

Neal had been loved by his biological father even though he'd been forced to watch his father beat his mother nearly to death several times, but she'd taken it because she didn't want Neal to live without his father and make Neal experience a broken home situation. When she'd almost died and had been in the hospital for a few days, Neal had been five and a half years old at the time. The night she'd come home, he asked her to lie down with him in his bed and she'd done just that for her little boy. What she hadn't realized was that Neal had packed up whatever he thought they'd need and he begged her to leave with him.

He had never seen his mother cry so much before that moment. Neal had taken the majority of his own father's money and he'd managed to take some of her clothing out of the dresser in his parents' bedroom and stuff everything into one large suitcase he'd buried in his closet. The only toy he took with him in that suitcase was the teddy bear he'd gotten for his fifth birthday. Everything else was clothing or his mother's belongings.

Despite loving his father a great deal, he didn't want to watch his mother suffer anymore and he knew he needed to be the one to beg her to leave and give her the kick she needed to finally do it. They left that night and went to her best friend from high school's home to spend several months there in hiding. Neal's father had forced his mother to cut off all communication from anyone else, so he didn't know who her best friend was. Ellen was the most generous woman Neal had ever met—aside from his own mother—and he had grown to love her.

Now that he was twenty years old, he could look back and be grateful that he'd gotten his mother out of their home. She could have been killed and he would have been forced to live without her. God only knows how traumatized he'd be right now if he'd watched his father kill his mother. Allowing Vincent to abuse him and slander him and his sexuality was a small price to pay if his mother didn't have to suffer at another man's hands ever again.

She'd allowed herself to endure abuse so she could keep their family together, keep Neal with his real father, and he was the one who told her it was time to go. Now, he had allowed himself to go through what she'd gone through—almost identically—and he could once again recognize that it was probably in everyone's best interest that he left eventually.

Up until this point, he thought he'd have to leave by killing himself. With Peter… With Peter, he had another option. He had the option to live. While he didn't know what Peter was capable of or if Peter was even a terrible man, Neal didn't think this could be any worse than living with Vincent. Peter had taken him to the health center and bought his refill of antidepressants without once seeming to regret doing so. _That_ meant a great deal to Neal.

Considering Neal had gone to Vincent days before his pills ran out, he knew Peter would always help him if he needed the help. Vincent had laughed at Neal and demanded that Neal get on his knees and beg for his help, for his money. Neal had done just that and Vincent proceeded to laugh at him and kick him in the stomach. He had a very nice bruise from that because Vincent loved his steel-toed boots, but he thought Vincent was going to pay for his medication.

When he realized that wasn't the case, he didn't know what else to do. Neither he nor his mother knew how to drive and Vincent wasn't willing to take him in for a refill even if he called it in himself. His only option had been to stop taking his medicine when he ran out. He couldn't afford it without Vincent, so he'd endured all of the pain Vincent put him through as well as these discontinuation symptoms he began experiencing very shortly after going cold turkey on his medicine. The symptoms hadn't gotten terrible until he'd woken up this morning. He thought he was actually going to die—that's how awful he felt—and he'd truly considered hanging himself in his closet to end it all since Vincent had been trying to burst into his bedroom anyway, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity.

Neal thought about the noose he'd made using one of the ties Vincent bought for him. When his suicidal thoughts began, he thought it was rather fitting that a tie bought for him by Vincent would be his end. Vincent nearly led him to that point a few times. He'd gotten smarter though. After breaking the rod three times when he'd tried to hang himself, he went for a steel rod the next time Vincent took him to a store. He didn't think that was going to snap in half if he put his weight on the tie, but he had yet to try it. He'd almost done it when he first heard Vincent scream for him in absolute fury.

Looking at Peter, with Peter now looking back at him, he knew life would be better if he chose to stay with Peter. Whether Peter offered this as a permanent choice or as something temporary, it was still so much better than going home. Being around Vincent was toxic for him in a variety of ways, but being around Peter made him feel better.

Peter, at a red light, reached over and stroked Neal's hair gently, solidifying Neal's decision instantly. Finally finding it in himself to speak, he whispered, "I never want to go home again."


	3. Chapter 3

Peter stood in the living area of his apartment and watched Neal sleep on his couch. He felt terrible for the younger man after seeing him suffer so much earlier in the day. Even as he slept, he didn't look like he was at peace. He kept moving around as if he were still trying to get comfortable and Peter considered waking him up and asking him to sleep in his bed if that helped him. He didn't mind sleeping on the couch and giving up his bed for Neal if it meant the younger man actually rested well. Whatever was going on at home had him pretty stressed and it definitely didn't help that his emotions and body had gotten severely messed with because of his stepfather not paying for his medication.

Neal deserved so much better than that and it made him wonder if Neal's biological parents were both dead and he'd been left behind with a man who didn't care for him, who didn't want to do anything for him. Neal is twenty years old, but he couldn't leave because he had no money. From what it seemed like, Neal also had no friends. This job he and Neal had together was Neal's first job and all of his paychecks had been taken by his stepfather. Neal, from his application, said he graduated high school, but it said nothing about whether or not he was enrolled in college. Perhaps his stepfather discouraged him because he figured Neal would never be able to pay off his tuition.

All in all, this depressed the hell out of Peter. Without knowing everything, Neal's life seemed pretty awful. And, after eating dinner with Neal earlier, he knew Neal wasn't being fed very well. He'd seen Neal stuff his pockets with the snacks he brought Neal while they were working and he hadn't given it much of a thought until now. Was Neal being starved by his stepfather?

The gasp across the room startled Peter and he watched Neal quickly get off of the couch and run towards the apartment door. "Neal," he called out concernedly, startling the younger man who turned around to face him very slowly. "What's wrong?"

"I…" Even in the slight darkness of the apartment, Neal looked embarrassed and Peter couldn't understand why. "I left something at…the house. It's something I really want." Peter nodded and went for his keys, but Neal's voice made him pause. "No, please. You've done so much for me already."

Peter grabbed his keys and walked towards Neal, whispering, "And I'd love to do more." Neal stared up at Peter in absolute awe and that hurt Peter's heart. Had this man never been given the kind of love and care he wanted and deserved? "Aside from that, I don't want to let you go there alone. If your stepfather is going to hurt you, I want to be there to keep you safe." Neal startled and Peter figured he struck something within Neal that Neal wasn't expecting. "I'm not asking you to tell me what happened or what's been happening, but I can tell it has to do with him. The fact that he let you suffer for a few weeks without your antidepressants tells me all I need to know about him."

"I can walk there," Neal whispered. "You don't need to help me. You—"

"Okay. First of all, it's raining. Second of all, I said I want to help you. And finally, you're going to let me drive you." Neal lowered his gaze away from Peter's face and focused on the floor. Peter's brows furrowed as he watched Neal. Was he forced to obey his stepfather at home? If that were the case, Peter knew it was going to take time to help Neal find his individuality. If Neal is going to be spending time with him and living in his home, he was going to make sure he didn't use Neal. "Come on, honey."

Neal meant to follow Peter without a word, but he whispered, "Why do you keep saying things like that?" Peter gave him a questioning glance and Neal added, "You've called me 'sweetheart' and 'honey.' When we're at work, it's always 'kiddo' or 'Neal.' Why did that change?"

Peter gave the younger man a sheepish smile and said, "They just slipped out. If you want me to stop—"

"No," Neal said as though he were horrified. "Y-You… You can say whatever you want—and call me whatever you want." Again, his gaze was lowered towards the floor and Peter was really beginning to hate Neal's stepfather. That man, if he did this to Neal, was a terrible monster. He knew Neal had self-esteem problems, but he didn't realize the extent of those problems. Basing his thoughts around how Neal kept apologizing to him for asking for his help, he knew that man had to be responsible.

"If you don't like those pet names, I won't use them anymore. I just really…" Should he tell Neal how he feels about him? What if Neal thought Peter was manipulating him? "…want you to feel comfortable with me." _Fuck._ This would be the very worst time to admit he has feelings for the man in front of him. After paying for Neal's antidepressants, offering to let him stay somewhere safe, and assuring Neal that he didn't want sex or any other kind of repayment, he knew telling Neal he's in love with him would shatter everything.

Besides, they've only known each other for about two months. Neal wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth if he suddenly claimed to love him. He could see how fragile Neal was at the moment and the last thing he wanted to do was exploit Neal. Maybe Neal didn't even have feelings for him like he seemed to the first time they met. He didn't want Neal to think he needed to return his feelings in order to be protected and cared for.

Neal looked like he was so lost. There was so much tension in his shoulders even as Peter tentatively reached out and gripped Neal's chin, lifting his head gently until Neal's teary eyes were on his own. "You're the only friend I've had in the last five years. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to do something stupid."

"Hey," Peter whispered when Neal shut his eyes. It looked like Neal was really struggling to accept that someone honestly wanted to help him and be around him. That in itself was incredibly sad. "Let me take you to get whatever it is that you want. I'm your friend." He wanted to be so much more than Neal's friend… For the time being, he just had to accept his current role in Neal's life. "Let me do nice things for you. There's no reason to be ashamed or anxious, especially not around me."

The younger man nodded and allowed himself to lead Peter out of the apartment. He waited for Peter to lock the door before walking alongside him to the parking ramp silently. Occasionally, he risked a few glances up at Peter. He didn't see anger, frustration, or irritation in his features and that meant a lot to Neal. Whenever he wanted or needed something, he'd learned not to ask anyone for help. Vincent always griped when Neal asked for something and Neal felt like everyone would react the exact same way.

Earlier, Peter proved that there are kind men out there. Vincent wasn't the only man in the world and he realized that he needed to allow himself to believe that Peter wasn't going to turn his back on him at some point, that Peter wasn't going to suddenly beat him for making a small request. The first time he'd ever been beaten was when he'd come out to Vincent. Peter knew about his sexuality and Peter himself is gay. Perhaps this would end well for him considering Peter can see things from his perspective and wouldn't criticize him for being attracted to men, for wanting to be fucked by another man or suck another man's dick.

Vincent put those crude thoughts into Neal's mind because Vincent thought being gay was an absolute sin and he made it sound like every gay individual wanted sex twenty-four-seven. Neal had yet to have sex and he was twenty years old. He'd never done anything sexual with anyone. The only man he'd dated attempted to coerce him into it, but he was too afraid to go through with it in the end.

Peter is the only man he actually finds himself feeling comfortable with. Instead of lying down and being unable to sleep because he was waiting for the screaming and beatings, he'd actually fallen asleep fairly quickly. He trusts Peter. After working with Peter, he liked the man Peter is. He was nothing like his ex-boyfriend, Damien. Damien was the epitome of a sex addict and Neal couldn't understand why Peter had stayed with him so long. Peter is a gentle and compassionate man. He never looked at Neal and made Neal uncomfortable when they were alone together. In fact, Peter was the only person who could make him laugh without trying.

"Peter," he whispered while they were walking. They paused just before exiting the warm, dry building and Peter made a quiet sound to acknowledge that he'd heard Neal. "Thank you." He met Peter's eyes and loved the way the smile on his lips matched the happiness in Peter's eyes. He was learning to appreciate human beauty the way Peter does and he could see exactly why Peter loves eyes. They're truly expressive of one's inner feelings. "I really appreciate everything you did for me today. I feel…good."

The older man was thrilled to hear that. "You don't have to thank me for everything," he teased gently. "Just be happy, Neal. Your smile is as beautiful as your eyes." He lifted his hand and stroked Neal's cheek gently. "I love your smile…" Neal stared up at Peter and could feel what was going on between them. He hadn't felt like this with his ex-boyfriend. There was something different, something wonderful about Peter. Being around Peter made him happy. He could trust Peter and he felt like Peter wouldn't ridicule him or put him down. When Peter rubbed his thumb over the corner of Neal's mouth, Neal was so tempted to kiss his hand. However, Peter lowered his hand and he was a little disappointed when Peter nodded towards the parking garage. "Let's go get your thing and then we can come back here and relax until Monday morning."

Neal smiled and nodded. He was wearing a hoodie Peter had given him earlier and enjoyed the fact that Peter's scent was on the hood when he pulled it up to shield himself against the rain. To make things better, Peter had even turned towards him, extending his hand for Neal to take. He quietly laughed as Peter quickly led him through the rain and back to his Taurus. Holding Peter's hand gave him so many feelings. He truly wasn't used to this and figured he would eventually get used to Peter's sensitive and compassionate personality.

•◊•

Peter followed Neal along the side of the house after he'd parked the car a short distance away at Neal's request. He kept his eyes on Neal and was determined to protect him no matter what happened. Making sure Neal was no longer hurt was his priority. Neal stopped in front of a window and attempted to lift it. Upon realizing that it had been locked, Neal muttered, "Shit." He glanced up at Peter and whispered, "There's a spare key under the mat in the front, but I wanted to sneak in and get out quick."

"I'll protect you," Peter assured him. "Let's get the key." Neal nodded and led Peter to the front of the house. The rain was coming down harder now and lightning snapped above them as Neal knelt beside the mat a few feet away from the front door. After he'd lifted the mat and picked the key up, he glanced up and stared at the car in the driveway. Peter's brows furrowed as he watched Neal tense up in front of him. "Is that his car?" Neal stood up and nodded, knowing Peter's eyes were on him. "Hide if you can for a second." Neal moved away from the front door and knelt in front of the bushes so no one could see him through the windows—if anyone were to come to the windows.

He watched Peter curiously and gasped when he watched Peter pull a pocketknife out of his jeans. What he did next surprised the hell out of Neal because Peter didn't seem like the kind of man to seek revenge of any kind. He had perfectly timed everything to the rolls of thunder and snaps of lightning above and proceeded to slash all four tires on Vincent's car and Neal was grateful for the fact that his mother didn't have a job. She wouldn't be affected by the loss of four tires—just Vincent.

When Peter had finished and returned to him, all Neal could do was gape at him. "I wasn't expecting that," he whispered.

Peter chuckled quietly. "I bet he wasn't either." He helped Neal get up and followed Neal to the front door. The lights weren't on in this room as far as Peter could tell and he hoped Neal's stepfather wouldn't be waiting for Neal to return. It was almost two in the morning, so he had high hopes that the man was asleep. Nonetheless, he had his pocketknife just in case. Even though it was now in his pocket once again, he could pull it out very quickly and attack the bastard.

Neal unlocked the door quietly and stuffed the key into his hoodie pocket before tentatively opening the door. He and Peter slid in and shut the door quietly. They both knew this could go very wrong any moment and Neal was hoping to avoid Vincent. He was kind of hoping he could avoid his mother, too. As much as he loved her and wanted to say goodbye to her, he hoped she was asleep.

Neal lowered his hood and Peter did the same as he followed Neal. The house was very clean, very neat, and not what Peter was expecting considering the way Neal was treated. It was a house with only a first floor, so they risked waking Neal's stepfather, especially as they wandered down a hallway with several doors. Peter assumed one belonged to Neal's stepfather's bedroom.

Peter bumped into Neal when Neal stopped abruptly and he glanced around Neal to see what Neal saw and was surprised to see a broken door lying in the entrance of the room Neal obviously wanted to go into. Neal cautiously moved around it and Peter mimicked his movements. The room they entered was…considerably empty—aside from all of the broken things lying on the floor. Even the bed had been torn apart. "No, no, no," Neal whispered frantically, darting towards the bed. He began to go through the remnants of what Peter now realized had been Neal's bed.

In saddened silence, Peter watched Neal panic. He didn't know what Neal was looking for. Otherwise, he would've offered to help him. However, he kept glancing out into the hallway just in case Neal's stepfather wanted to come out of his bedroom. Neal's quiet sigh a few moments later immediately grabbed Peter's attention. "Did you find it?"

Neal nodded and reached under the shredded mattress, pulling something towards himself and holding it against his chest. Peter watched him curiously, wondering what it was that Neal wanted so badly that he risked coming back to the hellhole that housed a man who hurt Neal.

Tentatively, Peter neared Neal. When the lightning flashed, he could see what Neal was cradling against himself and he was honestly a little surprised. It was a small teddy bear whose left eye had replaced with a large, brown button. Neal had risked being hurt for a…teddy bear?

When he realized Neal was crying, he knelt beside him and rested a hand on his back. He had no idea what this bear meant to Neal, but it had to mean a lot if he came back for it and was emotional because he'd initially thought it'd been destroyed like everything else in the room. He breathed shakily as he whispered, "This is the last gift my mom and dad gave me—for my birthday." Peter could understand a little now. "It's my Mozzie," he added quietly. "I've had it since I was five years old. I can't sleep without it."

Peter smiled sadly and watched Neal hold the bear. Assuming Neal's biological parents were dead, he understood why Neal wanted it. At this moment, Neal was at his most vulnerable. He'd opened himself up a little to Peter and Peter had no intention of making fun of Neal. If he wanted this so badly, it meant a great deal to him. If it made Neal happy, he wouldn't deny him anything nor would he stop Neal from seeking out his happiness. "Neal?"

Both men startled and turned to see a woman standing in the doorway, clad only in a robe and slippers. "Mom," Neal whispered, rising quickly. Peter stood with him, beside him, to protect him. Neal's mother glanced at Peter in question and Neal said, "Please don't tell him. Don't tell him I'm here."

The woman nodded and began to cry as she moved into the room, pulling Neal into a tight embrace. "I'm glad you're okay," she whispered through her tears. "I was so worried about you, but I didn't want you to come back until he settled down."

"I'm not staying," he said sadly. She pulled away and stared at him brokenly. "I can't stay." Peter watched the exchange between the two and he could see that Neal's beauty had come from his mother. She looked very young and beautiful. "I'm sorry. I just can't…"

She lifted her hand and stroked his cheek gently. "I understand, my little love." Neal laughed as he began to cry again. Peter felt like he wasn't supposed to be watching their exchange. This was a deeply emotional moment for Neal and his mother—his mother who Peter had assumed wasn't even alive. "Stay safe. You can always get in contact with me. We can meet at some point, whenever you want."

Neal nodded and exhaled heavily, pulling his mother against him. "I love you, mommy."

"I love you, too, sweetheart." She rubbed his back and let him cry against her. This would be the first time in twenty years that Neal would separate himself from his mother entirely. He'd lived with her all his life, had been taken care of by her all his life, and he was hurting because he knew he couldn't come home to her as long as she stayed with Vincent. "I've always loved you and I will always love you, baby." They separated and she caressed his cheek, smiling up at him lovingly. "Be safe, please." She glanced at the bear in his hands and grinned. "I know you'll be safe as long as you have Mozzie with you."

Peter watched them hug one last time and watched as Neal kissed his mother's cheek. "I'll get in touch with you soon," he promised.

She nodded and rubbed his chest. "Get going, honey. I don't want him to hurt you again." Neal glanced back at Peter and Peter realized that Neal had forgotten he was there while he'd been talking to his mother. He saw the fear in Neal's eyes and stepped closer to him, taking Neal's free hand. Knowing that Neal didn't want him to know the full extent of his suffering yet, he squeezed Neal's hand and silently assured him that he wasn't going to do anything that would cause Neal any kind of pain. "Take care of my baby," Neal's mother said to Peter. "If he called you for help, he trusts you. Don't you dare hurt him."

"He won't, mom," Neal whispered. "I'll tell you everything later. We need to go before he wakes up." She nodded and led the two men out of Neal's bedroom and down the hallway towards the front door. Before they had the chance to immediately leave, Neal heard a door open behind them. He panicked and opened the door quickly, pulling Peter out of the house. Peter figured that was Neal's stepfather and made sure he kept up with Neal as they ran back to the car. Neither of them looked back.

As soon as both men were in the Taurus, Peter glanced over at Neal and watched him intently. Neal was visibly upset because his teddy bear had gotten wet and he was trying to wring the small amount of water out of it. "When we get back to the apartment, we'll dry him off," Peter promised. "Just hold him until we get there."

Neal was surprised by Peter's reaction—or lack thereof. "You don't think this is…childish?" he asked cautiously. This was why he'd wanted to go alone. He felt like he was five years old again and he missed being that young. The only thing that was bothering him right now was that he's twenty years old and shouldn't treasure such a stupid stuffed animal…

"Not at all." He gave Neal a small smile before asking, "Can I hold him for a second?" Neal looked hesitant, like he wasn't willing to part with his teddy bear. "I promise I won't hurt him." Tentatively, Neal handed the bear to Peter, watching him to make sure he didn't destroy the bear. It was all he had left of his childhood since he'd abandoned everything to make sure his mother's things fit into the suitcase he packed. He watched Peter trace his finger over the button eye and his heart melted when Peter whispered, "I love him. I wish I had a Mozzie of my own." Peter caressed the bear's head and couldn't help smiling. He could feel Neal's essence when he touched the little bear. He knew Neal had spent many nights crying into it, playing with it, and he'd definitely spent every night of the last fifteen years cuddling with it because it felt warm despite being wet and it faintly held the vanilla scent he identified as being Neal.

Peter eventually let go of the bear, handing it back to Neal. He loved the way Neal held the bear. To him, that bear was his precious baby. He started up the car so they could get back to the apartment. He wanted to get them into dry clothes and take care of the bear for Neal. While he drove, Neal whispered, "Mozzie is my best friend. He was always there for me when I needed him." Neal sighed quietly. "I told myself when I was younger that I'd save Mozzie and give him to my own child someday."

"Did that change?"

In Peter's peripheral vision, he noticed that Neal nodded and he wondered why Neal's mind had changed. The younger man was so sensitive and sweet. Peter thought he'd make an excellent father someday. "My dad abused my mom before I was born until the day we ran away." Peter's heart clenched tightly when he heard how sad Neal had become. "I almost lost her when I was five. She was in the hospital and my dad wouldn't let me see her. I… I thought I lost her. While she was there, Mozzie comforted me." Peter glanced over at him for a moment before focusing on the road again. "My dad never hurt me. I know he loved me, but I don't know if I have what it takes to be a dad. I haven't had a perfect father figure at any point in my life."

Peter bit his lip. He wanted Neal to meet his own father. His dad, while he was a rich man, was a wonderful man. He donated to charity often and cared about his children very deeply. This line of thought led him directly towards his feelings for Neal again. "Maybe your future boyfriend will have a good father. You won't know if you're father-material until you try."

"I don't want to adopt a child and send it right back if I'm a piece of shit father," Neal snapped bitterly.

Swallowing hard, Peter whispered, "If you're with the right man, I think you'd be fine. Honestly, I think you'd be fine even if you decided to be a…a single father." Neal glanced at Peter curiously. He heard the change of Peter's tone and wondered if Peter did have feelings for him. That didn't mean he was going to jump all over Peter though. After his first and only failed attempt of a relationship, he was going to wait until he found someone who wanted to be with him for more than sex. Forcing the issue—or forcing Peter's feelings—wouldn't do anyone any good, so he chose to be patient. "You're a great man, Neal." Neal couldn't help the fact that he scoffed at that before he caught himself. "I mean that. I wouldn't say you're great if I thought you were a shitty person."

Neal rubbed his fingers over Mozzie's head and let everything Peter said sink in. Not once in the last two months had Peter ever said anything negative to him. He was the kind of man Neal wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but… What if Peter was just being nice to him? What if Peter felt nothing for him?

•◊•

Peter stood in his bathroom and blow-dried Neal's teddy bear very carefully with Neal watching. He'd already gotten Neal a change of clothes, so Neal was dry as well as warm. He'd offered to dry Mozzie for Neal and could see the instant fear in Neal's eyes. This little bear meant a great deal to the younger man and Peter wished Neal would trust him with it. He had no intention of bringing any harm to the bear because the last thing he wanted to do was cause Neal more pain.

After turning off the hair dryer, Peter set it down and ran his hand over the bear before smiling at Neal to reassure him. "Now he's dry enough for you to sleep with," he said softly, holding the bear out towards Neal. Neal was staring at Peter wordlessly and Peter wasn't quite sure why Neal wasn't taking the bear back. "I still don't think this is childish if that's what you're worried about," he whispered.

Neal couldn't take his eyes off of the man standing in front of him. He was so torn between admitting to Peter that he feels very deeply about him and keeping his feelings to himself. If Peter felt nothing for him, he would more than likely ruin their friendship and lose his job. There were absolutely no positives to that since he has no money and can't go home to his mother. After blinking a few times, he whispered, "Thank you," and took the bear from Peter. "I…really appreciate everything you've done for me."

Peter gave him a small smile and said, "I'd do anything for you, Neal. All you ever have to do is ask." Neal damned Peter for being a good man. Peter's the first man he's interacted with in quite some time who genuinely wanted to be around him and seemed to enjoy his presence. To Peter, he wasn't invisible. "Speaking of which, was the couch okay or would you prefer to sleep in my bed?" Neal's jaw dropped involuntarily and Peter realized he hadn't worded that properly. "Alone. You can sleep in my bed alone. Sorry."

"The couch is fine," Neal said quickly, averting his eyes from Peter's face. Peter watched him sadly because he knew Neal would prefer a bed, but he was too brainwashed by his pain and considerably low self-esteem caused by his stepfather to accept Peter's offer.

"All right. Do you want me to tuck you and Mozzie in?"

Neal's face heated up instantaneously and Peter didn't understand why. His heart ached when Neal began to cry again. He was really trying to hold back, but the tears slid down his face anyway. Peter didn't know what he'd said or done wrong, but he didn't want Neal to cry anymore. Watching the younger man cry broke Peter's heart. "Don't fucking patronize me."

Peter stepped closer to him and Neal stepped back, avoiding him. "I wasn't trying to," Peter admitted. "I was being serious, Neal."

"I'm twenty. I'm not five."

Sighing quietly, Peter whispered, "I wasn't trying to imply that you're acting like a five year old. It was an honest question. I don't mind tucking you in with him."

Neal turned away and whispered, "Fuck off," as he left the bathroom. Peter stared at the doorway in horror. He honestly hadn't meant to offend Neal in any way nor had his intention been to put Neal down. All he'd wanted to do was make sure Neal was comfortable on the couch with his teddy bear.

After waiting a few moments to see if Neal planned on running away or not, Peter left the bathroom and stood in the living area, listening to Neal cry quietly on the couch as he held Mozzie against his chest. He didn't mean to hurt Neal's feelings. He was just trying to be supportive of Neal and prove that he does care about Neal and honestly didn't mind the fact that Neal's best friend was a teddy bear he's had for fifteen years. "Were you made fun of before because of Mozzie?" he asked quietly. He didn't know if Neal was going to answer him or not, but he wanted to ask anyway. Neal had opened up a little already as it was.

"Yes," Neal said thickly.

Relieved that Neal was being open with him, he walked across the room and took a seat near Neal's feet, rubbing his leg gently for a moment until Neal jerked away from him. He made a pained sound and that concerned Peter. "Do you honestly think I want to make fun of you?"

"Yes."

Peter frowned and slid off of the couch, getting on his knees when he was in front of Neal and able to look at his face. "I would never do that to you," he whispered. He reached out and wiped Neal's tears away. "Mozzie means so much to you, Neal. Why would I tease you for having something that you hold dear?"

Neal closed his eyes and whispered, "Mozzie's the reason I haven't had any friends since high school. I had a couple guys come over to my house for a sleepover on my fifteenth birthday." Peter listened to the younger man intently, wishing he could change the outcome of this story. He already knew Neal had been hurt severely based on how he immediately thought Peter would ridicule him for loving his teddy bear. "I hid Mozzie under my bed and they found him when I was in the bathroom." Neal's face contorted and he looked like he was in physical pain as he whispered, "They were going to tear him apart right in front of me. They threw him around, back and forth, and I tried to get him away from them."

Tentatively, Peter stroked Neal's cheek. He hated seeing Neal in so much emotional pain. This was exactly why he didn't want to tease Neal about the teddy bear. "You still have him though—and you always will."

Breathing shakily, Neal nodded. "Everyone at my high school found out because of those guys and I was labeled as a fag until the day we graduated. I had absolutely no intention of keeping in contact with anyone from my class."

"I won't treat you like that and I won't tell anyone," Peter promised him. "He's a big part of you." Neal opened his eyes then and looked up at Peter like he didn't believe him. "I love your Mozzie. I wasn't lying when I said I wish I had one of my own. I wasn't attached to anything the way you're attached to him." He gave Neal a gentle smile as he carefully pulled Mozzie out of Neal's hands. Neal let him, but he knew Neal was afraid of what he was going to do. "Mozzie's your best friend," he said as he looked at the teddy bear. "I'm jealous because he was there for you when you needed someone. He makes me wish I could've been there for you."

Neal watched Peter intently because he was so afraid that Peter would destroy the only thing he's ever loved. Mozzie wasn't a person, but Neal pretended he was for a long time. "Now I… I have…" Neal swallowed hard as Peter gently laid Mozzie against Neal's chest. Peter's eyes met Neal's instantly when Neal grabbed his hand and held onto it firmly. Peter could see that Neal wanted to finish whatever it was that he wanted to say, but he was nervous about it. "Now I have you," he whispered.

Peter smiled at him and nodded. "Yes, Neal. You have me." He stroked Neal's hair and wiped Neal's tears away alternatively. "I'm not going anywhere. Just don't let Mozzie get jealous of me." Neal laughed quietly as he closed his eyes. The way Peter touched his skin and his hair reminded him of his mother when she tucked him into bed. Peter was gentle and kind to him. "Get some sleep, sweetheart. I'm sure you're exhausted." He stayed on his knees in front of Neal and kept stroking Neal's hair even after he knew Neal had fallen asleep. Watching Neal was breathtaking. He looked like he was at peace now that he had Mozzie against his chest.

Despite all of Neal's insecurities and reservations, Peter was glad Neal trusted him enough to sleep in his apartment. He could potentially destroy Neal's beloved teddy bear, but Neal still trusted him enough. Peter wanted to be someone Neal could trust like this and he was very grateful for that.

Pushing himself up, Peter stared at Neal's sleeping form and couldn't help smiling a little. He leaned forward and covered Neal with the blanket, tucking it in around him and Mozzie. He whispered one last good night to the sleeping man before kissing his forehead and heading to bed himself. All he hoped for from this point on was that Neal would eventually learn to believe that Peter wouldn't hurt him…


	4. Chapter 4

After the first couple of weeks that Neal spent with Peter, Peter really liked having him around. He'd made Neal laugh and smile a lot more since the day he'd offered to let Neal stay with him. Working with him was just as great. The photos were coming out beautifully and, for once, Neal actually seemed to agree with Peter's opinion that the photos were beautiful. He was still having a hard time seeing himself as something more than a worthless man, but Peter was slowly managing to convince him that he is worth more than he thinks he is.

While things seemed to be getting better for Neal, the same couldn't really be said for Peter. He, despite actually living with Neal now, had relapsed several more times and had more sex with Damien. The son of a bitch knew exactly what to say to Peter each and every time he wanted sex and Peter hated himself for continuously giving in.

Neal had gone out to meet his mother secretly and it felt like Damien knew about Neal because he shot Peter a text as soon as Neal left. Peter tried to resist and actually managed to ignore the text for twenty minutes before he _had_ to respond. After a very brief exchange of provocative messages, Peter invited Damien over to his apartment.

The second Damien had come into the apartment, Peter felt guilty. He hates Damien and hates everything the man stands for, yet he continued allowing himself to have sex with Damien. Even though he knew sex with Damien never ended well, he allowed and welcomed it. Damien was not a gentle lover nor had he ever been as far as Peter was concerned. He had always tried to be pleasant with Damien, but Damien treated him like a cheap whore every single time.

Damien was thrusting into Peter forcefully, taking him for all that he was worth as he did each time they met like this. He knew Peter wasn't willing to date him anymore, but he loved that Peter was still interested in sex. To be completely honest, he'd created this side of Peter the first time he fucked Peter. In the early stages of their relationship, Peter had been the one fucking Damien, but Damien turned it around on him one night and it hadn't changed since.

He loved being in Peter's bed with Peter on his hands and knees in front of him. Seeing Peter's face wasn't really necessary because he only wanted Peter's body. "Yes, baby. Take it," he moaned as he continued to hurt Peter. He took a great deal of pleasure in knowing he was causing Peter pain. Truthfully, Peter hadn't done anything to deserve this, but Damien was the kind of man who didn't care about his partner.

"Da-Damien," Peter growled as he gripped his bed sheet tightly. His eyes were shut tightly as Damien rocked him back and forth with his own movements from behind. He knew exactly what this was to Damien and he desperately wished he could stop himself from ever allowing Damien to have sex with him again, especially unprotected sex, which is exactly what they were doing.

Damien shoved Peter down onto the bed and was able to take him deeper, harder, eliciting quiet cries from the other man. "Tell me you love me, you whore." Peter tried not to. He had been spending so much time reassuring Neal that Neal was a great person, that Neal was worth it, and yet he found himself in a situation that utterly demeaned him. "Say you love me!"

Peter gasped when Damien shoved into him in a very painful way—even more painful than he already had been. "I love you," he cried out. "I fucking love you."

Without realizing it, Neal had come back from his meeting with his mother and was met with Peter's screams of pain. Eyes wide, he darted towards Peter's bedroom and opened the door to find _Damien_ with Peter. He honestly wasn't expecting this, but it wasn't his place to interrupt them. Neal didn't like the sounds Peter was making and it really unnerved him to see Peter in pain and in the position he was in.

Quietly, he pulled the door closed and blinked back tears. He hadn't realized they were still together. He thought they had broken up that day in the studio. Apparently, he was wrong.

Neal went to the couch and sat down, glancing at Mozzie as tears slid down his face. He thought he and Peter had been getting closer. Earlier, while they'd been working, Peter had nearly kissed him when he was positioning Neal for a photo. Neal knew Peter wanted to kiss him. Now that he'd seen Peter and Damien, he wasn't sure what to think. All he could do was sit on the couch and listen to the two men in Peter's bedroom until they let out one loud cry together. Damien didn't say a word, but what Peter cried out definitely startled Neal.

The fact that Peter had just screamed _his_ name rather than Damien's made him wonder why Peter was even having sex with Damien in the first place. Based on the way Peter screamed his name, it seemed like Peter had been thinking about him instead of Damien.

"What the fuck did you just say?" he heard Damien snap at Peter. Neal bit his lip and closed his eyes. "Please tell me you didn't say that little fucker's name. Tell me I didn't hear his name."

Peter sounded like he was sobbing and Neal's heart hurt just listening to him. He hadn't liked Peter's pained sounds and he definitely didn't like hearing Peter now. "I'm sorry, Damien."

Neal jumped when he heard glass shatter in the bedroom. He stood up and turned towards Peter's bedroom as Peter begged Damien to stop. "When I'm fucking you, you say _my_ name, damn it." It sounded like Damien was hitting Peter and Neal couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't listen to Peter's cries without getting involved.

Darting towards the kitchen area, he grabbed the largest knife out of the silverware drawer. Damien was still hurting Peter and Neal had every intention of killing Damien if he didn't stop. He loves Peter and didn't want to hear Peter suffer. With a rage greater than anything Neal had ever felt towards his stepfather, he ran into Peter's bedroom after throwing the door open. "Get the hell out!" he yelled, startling both men. He was holding the knife up and both men could see that Neal would use it if he had to. "Get out! Get away from him!"

Damien shoved Peter before getting up, brushing pieces of a vase he'd shattered off of himself and allowing Neal to see him in all of his devilish glory. "Why am I not surprised that the little princess is visiting you?"

"I will fucking cut you unless you get out," Neal hissed. "Grab your clothes and _leave._ " Peter was trying to beg Neal to get out, but Neal wasn't going to leave Peter alone with Damien—not after everything he'd just heard.

Much to Neal's surprise, Damien listened to him and began to gather his things. Neal didn't lower the knife for a moment and his eyes never left Damien as he moved around the room. As he neared Neal, he said, "Nice to see that you're not as much of a bitch as I thought you were."

Neal considered letting Damien walk past him unscathed until he made that remark. He spun quickly and slashed across Damien's back, eliciting a sharp cry from the other man as he fell to his knees. He hadn't stabbed him. He'd just made his point that he would protect Peter—and himself. "Oh, I'm still a bitch," Neal growled. "I can do quite a bit to you with this knife before I kill you."

Damien glared up at the younger man in agony before forcing himself to get to his feet. He quickly dressed himself and Neal watched his back bleed until he pulled his shirt on. "You better hope I don't see you the next time I fuck him," Damien whispered. "I'll wring your fucking neck."

"Do it," Neal taunted him. "Do it right now."

"Neal, no!" Peter cried out from the floor behind Neal. "Please… Please, don't hurt him." Both Neal and Damien glanced at him. Neither of them knew who Peter was pleading with, but Damien wanted to think he'd done enough damage to Peter to make him turn against Neal. With one last smirk, Damien left the apartment. "Neal," Peter whispered.

Cautiously, Neal went out into the living area and locked the front door. He wasn't going to let that animal back in.

Peter called out for him and Neal quickly put the knife he was holding on the counter before running back into Peter's bedroom. "I'm here," he said quietly. There was so much blood on the carpet and Neal was worried. "Jesus. Let me get a—"

"No. Please stay." He reached out towards Neal even though Neal wasn't close enough for him to touch yet. Neal hesitated before moving closer to Peter, getting on his knees in front of the naked man. As soon as he'd gotten close enough, Peter gripped his hand tightly, gasping as though he were crying. Neal honestly couldn't tell considering there was so much blood on Peter's face. "I didn't want him to hurt you," he whispered. "I was so afraid that he would."

Neal frowned as he stared into Peter's eyes. He was trying not to think about the fact that there was blood behind Peter because he knew Peter had been hurt internally as well as externally. "I'm fine," he reassured Peter, "but we need to get you to the hospital. You're bleeding so much." Peter shook his head and forced himself to move just enough so that he could rest his head on Neal's thighs. "Peter, please. Your face and…and your ass is bleeding. We need to get you help."

Peter trembled as he whispered, "Just call nine-one-one. I don't want you to leave me." Neal didn't know what to do, but he pulled his phone out of his pocket with his free hand and dialed nine-one-one, immediately reporting that he'd come home to an assault that left his friend very injured. He described Peter's condition and they informed him that help was on the way.

"They're coming. You're going to be okay," Neal whispered, dropping his phone so he could stroke Peter's hair.

"The knife," Peter gasped. "They'll think you did this."

"Peter, it was self-defense against him. We both know who he is and they can track him down. His back was cut." Peter gripped his hand tighter and Neal said, "They'll ask you what happened. Just tell them the truth. Don't protect that bastard."

Peter nodded silently. After a few moments, he whispered, "I won't turn on you."

Neal smiled sadly at the older man and waited several minutes, stroking Peter's hair all the while, until he heard people running down the hallway. "I need to unlock the door. I promise I'll be right back." Peter let him go reluctantly as the police and paramedics hit the door. He rushed over to it and unlocked the door. "In here," he said as he led them into Peter's bedroom. Neal could see that the police officers were inspecting him as he tried to get closer to Peter. The only blood he had on him was on his thighs and his right hand.

"Neal!" Peter cried when the paramedics swarmed him and began to perform first aid on him. "Neal, don't leave me!"

"I'm right here," Neal said frantically. "I'm here. Just let them help you." Peter seemed to relax once he knew they hadn't taken Neal away from him. He was honestly afraid that Neal would get blamed for this. All Neal had done was protect him, for which he was very grateful. "Just take it easy, Peter," he said softly. "I'm not going anywhere."

•◊•

When Peter woke up, he knew he wasn't in his apartment. It was too bright to be his apartment. His first thought was: oh, shit. Am I dead?

"He seems to be responding well to the medication we've given him. We're going to keep him here for a couple of nights though, just to make sure he's all right." Peter heard the doctor flipping through some pages before he added, "We mostly need to keep an eye on his heart rate and blood. In the ambulance, he nearly went into hypovolemic shock, but, fortunately, your quick call prevented any major organ failures."

A hand was gently squeezing Peter's left hand and a soft voice beside him whispered, "Okay. Thank you." Moments later, the doctor said he would give Neal some time with Peter, but he made sure Neal understood that a nurse needed to be called in immediately if anything abnormal came up during his visit with Peter.

Peter couldn't open his eyes, but he managed to whisper, "Neal?"

Peter knew he'd startled him, but he heard the sigh of relief. "Told you I wasn't going anywhere, Peter," he said gently. "How're you feeling?"

"Numb."

Neal swallowed and watched Peter attempt to open his eyes. "Just take it easy," he said. "The doctors said you have a concussion. They stopped the bleeding though."

"Did they accuse you of doing this to me?"

"Do you think I'd be allowed in here with you if they did?" Peter laughed quietly, painfully. "They said you were talking a little in the ambulance on the way here. You gave them Damien's name and they're searching for him now." He rubbed his thumb over Peter's skin and added, "I told them about the knife and explained that I was trying to defend you. If anyone goes out and buys a large supply of bandages, the police will get a call."

Peter sighed heavily. "I'm just happy you're all right…"

Neal frowned as he considered all of the questions he had for Peter. "Why was he there? Aside from the obvious reason."

"Because I'm weak," Peter whispered. "I'm used to being hurt by him. I can't break away from him."

"You know, you have a gay roommate. If you wanted some casual, pain-free sex, you could've just asked." Peter chuckled and squeezed Neal's hand this time. "He hurt you so much. Why does he like hurting you?"

Peter shrugged and shuddered moments later. "It's been like this for about six years." Neal gaped at Peter. If Peter could have opened his eyes, he would've seen the agony in Neal's eyes. Neal wished Peter would've just asked him for sex. He would never hurt Peter the way Damien did. He would never hurt Peter. Period. "We've been together since high school. I knew he was a player back then, but I wanted him." Neal blinked back tears as he imagined Peter being hurt like this repeatedly. He figured Damien hadn't hurt Peter this terribly before because he hadn't screamed another man's name in bed before. "He… He's done some awful things to me and I know that. I just can't stop myself."

Neal knew exactly how that felt. His ex had tried manipulating him time and time again and it'd taken him far too long and far too much pain before he finally broke it off with that man. While he hadn't been sexually involved with his ex, he had endured a lot of emotional and psychological pain. As if Vincent didn't tell him enough times that he despised him and wished he'd die in some dark corner of the world for being gay, his boyfriend tried to get him to commit suicide repeatedly. He'd been there to watch Neal attempt to hang himself in his closet the very first time he tried it. "I understand," he finally whispered. He didn't want to put the spotlight on himself, but he would open up to Peter if Peter wanted to open up to him.

"Were you hurt by your ex?"

Closing his eyes, he bowed his head forward. Hurt was an understatement. Had the rod in his closet not buckled in the middle, he wouldn't be having this conversation with Peter right now. "It doesn't matter. He's out of my life now." And yet he still continued to hurt himself and contemplate suicide…

Peter lifted his hand out of Neal's and touched Neal's face. He could feel Neal's sadness as though it were hanging over them both thickly. "If I tell you what Damien did to me, will you tell me what your ex did to you?"

"I don't think either of us is ready to do that right now," he admitted. He felt like cutting himself right now because he thought about his ex. The man was a couple years older than Peter and Neal had been a minor when they were together. He really didn't want to think about him now that he's around Peter. Peter made him feel wonderful and all the other man ever did was put him down and encourage him to kill himself. "You're hurt right now and you need to rest. We'll talk about them another time."

"Okay… Can I ask you something else then?" Neal sighed and made a quiet affirmative sound. "Where did you learn to use the knife the way you did?"

Neal smiled a little as he said, "A friend taught me how to use just about everything I could grab as a weapon if I ever found myself in a bad situation." Peter made a curious, yet impressed sound. "I wasn't going to let him hurt you. I…was there for a few minutes before I stopped him." Peter's brows furrowed as he considered how much Neal had heard. He thought Neal had just come home when he came into the bedroom with the knife because he'd still been wearing his jacket. "Why did you scream my name?" he asked. "If… If you can't or don't want to talk about it, I understand."

Sighing quietly, Peter said, "I wanted him to be you."

If Peter's eyes had been opened, he would've seen the look of pure disgust on Neal's face. "I would _never_ do those things to you. He put you in a hospital and left you bloody and—"

"No, no," Peter interrupted him. "I…wished you were the one I was having sex with," he whispered a few moments later. "I wasn't saying I wished you were doing what he was doing. I just…wished he was you." Neal didn't know how to respond to that. Peter wasn't saying he had feelings for Neal. He was just saying that he wanted to have sex with Neal. That's pretty much all he inferred from what Peter just said to him. "You're the first person I imagined being with so I wasn't in so much pain." He stroked Neal's cheek gently and whispered, "I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable. You're just… You're my Mozzie. I wanted to be with you instead of him."

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you."

Peter shook his head. "Don't apologize. It wasn't your fault." He rubbed his thumb over Neal's cheekbone and added, "Thank you for coming in. After I said your name, things could've been much worse…"

"Don't talk about that," Neal whispered. "I don't want to think about him hurting you worse than this." He still couldn't tell if Peter had just admitted that he has feelings for him. He said he wished he'd been having sex with Neal and called Neal his own Mozzie. How was Neal supposed to interpret this? Even if Peter didn't have feelings for him, he probably still would have allowed Peter to have sex with him. If Peter has an out-of-hand sex drive, Neal would gladly give himself to Peter so Peter didn't have to run back to Damien ever again.

Neal leaned into Peter's hand and sighed quietly. He didn't know what to make of this. He was more than willing to let Peter fuck him just to keep him away from Damien. What was that saying about him? To him, it seemed like he really didn't care if Peter had feelings for him or not. He just preferred that Peter satiate himself with his body rather than allowing Damien to hurt him. He regretted not hurting Damien more when he'd cut him with the knife, but he'd gotten his point across to Damien. He wasn't going to let the bastard hurt Peter ever again if he could help it.

•◊•

Neal stood in Peter's shower with his eyes closed and his fingers around a razor. It was one of Peter's spares that he didn't mind giving to Neal and Neal was planning on cutting himself with it. Peter was asleep in his bedroom and Neal was finding it considerably hard to get himself to sleep. He kept thinking about what Peter had said to him a few days ago when he was in the hospital and he was depressing himself like mad. Was he just good for sexual purposes? His ex only wanted him for sex because he got some thrill out of being with underage boys, but he didn't know if Peter would just use him for sex.

Honestly, Peter didn't seem like a friends-with-benefits kind of guy. He'd stayed with Damien longer than he should've and it was because he loved Damien. Maybe he still does love Damien because he'd allowed Damien to come into the apartment and use him. Sex was one way he was able to get Damien's attention and any kind of attention, good or bad, seemed to be what Peter was seeking from him.

He kept telling himself that Peter loves Damien, that Peter could never love him. All he was good for was sex and he hadn't even had it yet. He didn't lie when he told Peter he's a virgin. He would give his virginity up to Peter if Peter asked him to lie down and proceeded to take him, but he figured Peter would screw him just to get himself off. Because, really, how could anyone possibly love Neal for more than his looks?

Seething in rage for a moment, he really began to hate himself. He wasn't even good enough for someone as kind and gentle as Peter. He wasn't good enough _for Peter._ In reality, he realized he would probably never amount to anything and that he would never have a boyfriend, husband, or children. Vincent always told him that he'd end up alone, that he'd eventually die alone. If he'd just managed to kill himself when his ex had been in the room with him, at least he wouldn't have died alone then.

Neal sliced into his leg. It wasn't even a specific part of his leg. He just let his angry tears flow as he repeatedly cut himself. He couldn't even feel the pain he was inflicting upon himself. All he wanted in life was to be loved, to actually matter to someone. He knows his mother cares about him and loves him, but he wanted to be with someone who he could grow old with and start a family with. He'd grown up thinking he'd already be married when he was twenty and he wasn't even in a relationship.

He finally stopped nearly two minutes later and shut his eyes. The last thing he wanted to do was watch his blood run down the drain. He could feel it running down his leg as it was and knew he'd severely hurt himself. Because Peter was asleep, he figured he could wrap his leg with a towel or two without being bothered as he waited for the bleeding to stop.

Purposely, he made the water coming down on him hotter and shifted his leg so the showerhead would pelt his self-inflicted wounds. Needless to say, he was given exactly what he wanted and he barely managed to keep himself upright. The agony that ripped through him made him feel alive. He could focus on this source of pain and his brain wasn't really registering much else. He let out a shuddering breath and opened his eyes, looking down at his leg to see just how badly he'd hurt himself this time.

He wasn't entirely surprised to see that the blood was still trying to seep out of his body as the water collided with the open wounds. As he watched the blood and water war with each other, he could see that the water was a darker orange. Part of him wanted to sob because he knew he was damaging his own body. Who could love a person who mutilates their own body? And yet another part of him wanted to laugh hysterically because he knew he was making himself undesirable. He was doing all of this to himself and no one even knew. He could end his life in the shower and no one would know until Peter eventually woke up. Would Peter even care if he died? Probably not...

Neal allowed himself to sit on the floor of the shower and watch his blood taint the water as he'd done so many times before. Despite the fact that he'd blindly cut himself, the pain was beginning to fade. He desperately craved that pain though. Pain in one of his limbs took away the pain his mind and heart crushed him with on a near daily basis. He never felt good enough for anyone. He figured he could run away and no one would look for him. If he ran away without telling anyone where he was going, no one would know where to start searching.

He could step out into traffic at random and allow a bus or semi to take him out instantly. He could jump off of a bridge and drown himself. He could wander into territory he didn't belong in and probably get himself shot. The possibilities were endless because no one would know nor care. He was trapped within this constant loop of self-loathing. Every time he looked in the mirror, he was disgusted. His mind distorted the way he looked to himself and he felt like everyone else saw him the way he sees himself.

 _Disgusting._

 _Unintelligent._

 _Unlovable._

 _Worthless._

He began to cry in the shower as he continued to hate himself more than he did moments earlier. If he actually loved himself, perhaps someone could love him, too. The problem was that he saw nothing in himself that he loved, that he could enjoy. He hates who he is, hates what he does to himself, and hates that he has neither a voice nor a shred of importance in anyone's life. He's always been a wallflower. He's used to being alone. No one liked being around someone who always seemed so unhappy. No one ever tried to convince him that his life has meaning. His parents had given him life and they tried to make it seem like he was destined for some kind of greatness, but he couldn't see it.

His greatest achievement in life would be to end his life and actually make a headline. That was all he could imagine. People would wonder why he committed suicide, if someone could have stopped him, and they would think about things he went through that led him to suicide. After a few days, he knew he would be irrelevant again, but it would be nice if people were aware that he actually existed even if it only lasted very briefly.

One thing that made him pause was the question: what if someone _does_ love me?

He always wondered if he were blind to other people's affection. For roughly half of his life, he'd hated himself very deeply. He didn't even know why. Perhaps the depression had begun to affect him then and he hadn't realized it until a few years later and was officially diagnosed as being clinically depressed. He'd only been diagnosed because he'd been having emotional breakdowns that he couldn't control. Suicidal thoughts had been running rampant in his mind for quite some time and he'd felt terrible in a variety of ways. His mother had been concerned and, at the time, Vincent had cared about him and suggested that they take Neal to a professional who could diagnose Neal.

Needless to say, he was depressed.

Things had gotten better once he began taking antidepressants. There had been a few trials and errors when it came to which antidepressant would make him feel better. The very first one he'd been given made him feel worse and he'd strongly considered suicide. The second worked until it _didn't._ The third, his current antidepressant, was what worked wonders on him at times. It probably also helped that his dosage had been upped. Instead of taking one pill a day, he took three per day—two in the morning and one before he went to sleep.

He didn't blame his antidepressant or think it wasn't working for him anymore. He blamed himself and his negative mindset. If he could ever allow himself to be happy and appreciate his life, he imagined things would be better. If ever there came a day when he was truly happy with himself and enjoyed life, he would be grateful. Thus far, that hadn't happened. He still hated being alive and he was very rarely happy.

Up until Neal found Peter with Damien, he had been happier than he'd ever felt before. Naturally, Damien destroyed everything. Peter had been forced to watch Neal hold a knife in his hand as his only means of defense and he'd seen Neal cut Damien as though he'd practiced it hundreds of times before.

In reality, Ellen had taught him how to defend himself. He taught himself how to cut into skin superficially as well as considerably deep because he'd used his own body as practice. He knew how much pressure to apply to a sharp object depending on whether or not he really wanted to hurt himself or if he just wanted to hurt himself a little. Damien was the first person he'd cut aside from himself and he'd done it with the intention of causing him harm. For what he'd done to Peter, he deserved it.

Once again, his thoughts had come back to Peter. Peter doesn't love him. Peter doesn't care about him. He just puts up with Neal because he feels bad for him.

"That's exactly how he feels about you," Neal whispered to himself. "You'll never be good enough for anyone."

After he'd finished going about his shower, he got out and grabbed the darkest towel in Peter's stack of towels, wrapping it around his leg. He was still bleeding and that wasn't exactly a surprise to him either. One thing he hadn't considered prior to cutting himself was that he had nothing to wrap himself with. Unless he managed to get his bleeding under control before leaving the bathroom, he would undoubtedly bleed through his pants.

Sitting on the ledge of the bathtub, clad only in his boxers, Neal held the towel against his wounds. He closed his eyes and wondered if this were even worth it. Peter probably didn't want him around anymore. He has Damien after all… Peter even said they've been together since high school. Neal didn't feel like he could compete with that and he wasn't sure if he wanted to try.

Firmly applying pressure to the towel he held around his leg, he knew Peter could never love him. If he himself wasn't disgusting in Peter's eyes, these cuts and scars would do the trick. Neal felt like an absolute disgrace and Peter would probably think the same thing if he could see Neal now.

Perhaps it was time to give up after all.


	5. Chapter 5

"Lean back just a little… Perfect!"

Neal sat very still and did as Peter asked of him. He did like how focused Peter was today. Since everything with Damien happened, Peter had been a little too distracted to work very well on his photography. Neal was okay with that and it certainly helped that Peter still entered work hours for Neal so Neal received his paycheck for the two weeks Peter took off—even if he only snapped one or two photos a day. He wanted Neal to get paid and made sure he was doing whatever he could to help Neal out.

After several shots, Peter lowered his camera and grinned at Neal. "Think you got what you wanted?"

"Of course. You're absolutely perfect." Neal's entire being was shaken for a moment. Was Peter…flirting? Peter was giving him a small, shy smile and Neal had no idea why. When they were home—Neal had become accustomed to calling Peter's apartment his home and he floored Peter the first time he called it home shortly after being injured by Damien—all Peter ever did was take it easy. Neal was actually taking care of him. Peter was definitely independent, but Neal was happy to help with the dishes, laundry, and cooking. What Neal liked even more was doing those things with Peter. "Want to look at them with me?"

Neal nodded and pushed himself up from the floor, heading over to Peter as Peter connected his camera to the laptop on the table. They sat on the couch together and Peter accessed the photos he'd just taken of Neal. "Wow," Neal said breathlessly. Whatever Peter did, he made Neal actually like his appearance for once. "They're going to think you photoshopped this."

Peter's eyes were on Neal as Neal glanced at the screen. He was falling even more in love with this young man beside him. Maybe it was some kind of hero complex he was experiencing because Neal had saved him from Damien, but he honestly felt like he loved Neal. They weren't together nor had they even kissed yet and he was telling himself that he loves Neal. "They'll know that's not true when they see you." Neal turned his head to meet Peter's gaze and he was taken aback by what he saw in Peter's eyes. It looked like Peter wanted to kiss him yet again, but Neal felt like it'd just fall through again. "Can I ask you something?" Neal nodded, furrowing his brows as he waited for Peter's question. "Without totally knowing what happened to you in your first relationship, would you ever trust another man with your heart again?"

The younger man swallowed hard as he forced himself to refrain from looking away from Peter's face. Why was Peter asking him this? Does Peter actually have feelings for him? "It…depends."

"On what?" Peter asked curiously.

"I…have a few secrets I'm not comfortable talking about. If I ever find myself in another relationship, I'm afraid I'll tear it apart by keeping those secrets to myself." All of his suicide attempts, the fact that his first and only boyfriend up to this point encouraged his first suicide attempt, and that he was mutilating his own body… "If I ever told him, he'd think very…poorly of me."

Peter looked sympathetic. "What if he wanted to understand you?"

Neal hesitated and then he whispered, "Is he you?"

Mere milliseconds of silence passed before Peter whispered, "I would like to be him, but I'm not going to force you into anything." Neal's heart felt like it was tightening up to this point and it was beginning to suffocate him. He felt so afraid. Peter is interested in the man he sees in front of him, fully clothed and reserved. "Do you…want me to be him?" Neal nodded frantically. He was having difficulty breathing. This was something he hadn't expected. He'd spent the last two weeks mutilating the hell out of himself and Peter actually…wanted him? "Do you trust me?" Neal nodded again, feeling like he was about to implode.

Nothing happened for nearly a minute. They could both feel each other's fear and anxiety. Tentatively, Peter began to shift and closed the distance between their faces until their lips met. As soon as Peter's warm lips caressed his own, he could breathe again. He'd been petrified by the thought that Peter didn't want him and was toying with him, but… This made him feel comfortable. This felt right.

Despite how right it felt to be kissing Peter, Neal felt awful. He'd spent the last two weeks harming himself more than he has in quite some time because he didn't think Peter would ever want him. He didn't think he'd ever be able to admit that Peter's attraction to him mattered enough to make him cut himself when he felt like Peter would never be attracted to him. With Peter's lips still against his own and moving very slowly, Neal wished he could fix his skin. He wished he could get rid of the scars on his hips and stomach as well as the scars on his legs. He felt so ugly and disgusting. He never wanted Peter to see his scars, which meant he and Peter would never have sex. If they never had sex, Peter would probably be bored with him and ask him to kill himself.

Neal pulled away abruptly and whispered, "I can't. I just can't." He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, and part of him wished he could die on the spot. Peter was the kind of man he wanted. Thanks to his own insecurities and lack of empathy for himself, he'd mutilated himself to the point that there was no way Peter would ever be able to love him—romantically or physically.

Peter watched Neal and he could see how troubled Neal is. This was making him wonder what secrets Neal was talking about. Neal felt like he wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship because of those secrets. "But you want to," Peter said quietly. Neal closed his eyes and Peter watched his jaw tense. Peter assumed that Neal's secrets dealt with things he'd been through with his stepfather and his past relationship, but he didn't want to force Neal to talk about whatever it was that was causing him so much internal pain. "Neal, nothing you could ever tell me about yourself or your past would negatively affect how I feel about you." Neal shook his head and Peter gently gripped Neal's hand in his own, intertwining their fingers. He watched tears slide down the sides of Neal's face and desperately wished he could do or say something. "I'm willing to listen to you and I'm willing to be with you no matter what happened."

"I can't tell _anyone,_ " Neal said firmly as he tried to force himself to stop crying. He felt like such a child and assumed Peter probably considered him one. With his attachment to his teddy bear and his crying outbursts, how could Peter not think he was being childish?

"I'm not asking you to talk about anything right now," Peter assured him. "Whatever it is, you've kept it locked within yourself far too long." Neal opened his tear-filled eyes and looked at Peter. Peter could see that he was getting through to Neal. Even if it were only temporary, he wanted to convince Neal that he's in love with him and that he wouldn't hurt him. "I want to be with you. I don't know everything, but I do know that I want to be with you."

Neal opened his mouth to speak and then he closed his mouth again, looking away. He squeezed Peter's hand and tried to think things through before saying anything. He wants to be with Peter, too, but he didn't understand why Peter wants him. Knowing that Neal's witnessed abuse and was essentially abused himself, Peter still wanted to be with him. Neal felt like he'd be a fool to initiate a relationship with Peter. Why would Peter want to be with a suicidal self-mutilator? It dawned on him then that he could honestly ask Peter why Peter wants to be with him. "Why?" he whispered.

Peter waited until Neal looked at him again and Neal could see the soft, sad smile on Peter's face. "I told you that I chose you as the subject of my project because there was a certain kind of sadness in your eyes that needed to be expressed." He stared into Neal's eyes and he could see so much sadness within them—sadness and pain. Peter wanted to cause a great deal of pain to the individual or individuals who caused Neal's sadness and pain. "After working with you, I've gotten to see that sadness firsthand, but I've also seen your happiness." Neal began to blink quickly as though he wanted to prevent his oncoming tears from escaping. "You look so beautiful when you're happy. Remember the other night when we were making cookies together?" Neal nodded. "You laughed and smiled so much. It warmed my heart to see you like that."

The other night, they'd been drinking a little—even though Neal's twenty rather than twenty-one—and watching a movie together silently and Peter abruptly asked if Neal knew how to make cookies, to which Neal replied that he didn't. Peter wanted to make some and he wanted Neal to make them with him, so he'd turned the television off and took Neal into the kitchenette with him. Peter told Neal what to look for and was surprised by the fact that Neal knew where pretty much every ingredient was located.

That night, he taught Neal how to bake cookies and Neal really enjoyed it. What Neal enjoyed the most was when Peter wrapped his arms around him, tugged him backwards, and spun him around so he could put cookie dough on Neal's nose. The way Neal laughed made Peter's heart pound and it was pounding even as he thought back to that moment.

Peter's somewhat innocent gesture of playfulness became an extreme gesture of playfulness when Neal returned the favor. By the time they'd finishing messing around, their faces had enough cookie dough on them to make a few cookies. Instead of trying to preserve the cookie dough, Peter and Neal sat on the floor and laughed together. Peter eventually managed to muster up the courage to make a move on the younger man and he proceeded to lick some of the cookie dough on Neal's face, eating it directly off of him.

Needless to say, Neal hadn't stopped Peter _and_ he'd also done exactly that to Peter's face. That was the night Peter knew he is in love with Neal and he was beginning to get the impression that Neal is in love with him, too. He'd very nearly suggested taking things into the bedroom then, but he respected Neal enough to know that Neal was finally allowing himself to lower his walls. The playfulness turned into something beautiful. After that night, Peter figured Neal had to at least have a small crush on him since he'd licked cookie dough off of his face and planted a few gentle, tentative kisses on Peter's neck in addition.

Neither one of them had mentioned it since, but it'd undoubtedly been on both of their minds. "That was the most fun I've had in a while," Neal whispered.

Peter smiled at the younger man and nodded, knowing that was true. "I loved how happy you were. I love the way you acted with me." He lifted Neal's hand and gently kissed Neal's knuckles. "If I could make you laugh and smile like that every day for the rest of my life, I'd consider myself very lucky." Neal didn't know how to respond to that. He wished he had something to say, but he just stared at Peter. Fortunately, Peter could see how he was affecting Neal without needing words. "You're a good man with a great personality, beautiful eyes, a beautiful smile, and a laugh that makes my heart skip a beat or two."

Neal laughed quietly and Peter figured it was a nervous reaction to being complimented so much. "I didn't think anyone really paid attention to those things."

"Why not?" Neal shrugged. "Neal, I know how low your self-esteem is, but I wish you could see just how beautiful you are as a whole to me. There isn't one thing I don't like about you." When Neal laughed this time, Peter knew it was a nervous and doubtful laugh. "Unless you killed or raped someone…" Neal's eyes widened and Peter chuckled. "Those are the only two things that would break this whole thing. There really isn't anything you could do or say that would make me want to lose this attraction to you."

The younger man wanted to tell Peter everything right then and there just to prove that Peter couldn't possibly love him. All he'd have to do was pull up his shirt and lower his pants just enough to show Peter his hips. He wouldn't even have to reveal his legs because Peter should be disgusted by what he did to his midsection. "They're things I haven't talked to anyone about."

Peter nodded. "I won't force you to tell me, but I'll definitely encourage you to if or when you feel comfortable."

Neal was trying to understand why Peter wanted to try. After everything he'd been through with Damien, all of the pain and suffering, what exactly was Peter expecting of him? He refused to hurt Peter the way Damien had. The one thing he swore he'd never do to Peter is cheat on him. If Peter were to become his boyfriend, he wouldn't cheat on Peter. He hadn't cheated on the man who told him to kill himself. That was a stupid mistake, but Peter isn't a mistake. Peter's a good man and he's done wonderful things for him.

Glancing down towards his feet, he slowly looked at his pants and trailed it from the bottom all the way up to his thigh. What lies beneath his pants was something he was ashamed of, something he didn't think anyone would ever want to see. Hell, he's gone out of his way to buy boxes and boxes of band-aids because that seemed normal enough to not raise a whole lot of concern. His legs were covered in several band-aids because he didn't want anything lying around for Peter to find. He hid the band-aid boxes in the bathroom and figured Peter would never find the whole stash of them. Whenever he cuts himself, he'll have a whole supply right there to use. It was better than allowing his blood to latch onto his pants and dry.

Neal shuddered when he felt the phantom pain of trying to gently separate his pants from the wound. He'd eventually needed to force the pants away from the wound and that only resulted in more bleeding. Instead of buying a whole slew of things Peter would become concerned about, he decided band-aids would do the trick for now.

He didn't know how he'd ever be able to tell Peter about his addiction to causing himself pain. Granted, Peter stopped him without knowing it from time to time, but he didn't know what Peter would do once he realized Neal enjoys hurting himself to the point where he's bleeding excessively. He was used to the water being a slightly light shade of orange after cutting himself, but it'd gotten darker and redder the more he cut himself lately.

The previous night, he'd been in the shower and sliced across his leg and thigh just to watch the blood stream down his skin and eventually drip into the water. It fascinated him, watching his blood drain like that.

With thoughts like that one in particular, he knew it would be awful if he told Peter. He could admit that what he's done to himself is wrong, but he couldn't admit to not liking it. He likes watching himself bleed, he likes feeling the pain, he likes to hurt himself, but the one thing he didn't like was the fact that he was leaving scars on his body. The more he cut, the more he scarred himself. In a way, he did like his scars, but he got himself into certain depressive moments when he found himself so disgusting because of them.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you," Neal admitted. He glanced at Peter and knew he'd hurt the older man a little. "It's not that I don't trust you. It's just that I… I don't want to lose you, but I can't be with you."

"Am I causing the problem?" Peter asked hesitantly.

"No," Neal whispered. None of this was Peter's fault and he knew that. Even if he wanted to tell himself it was Peter's fault that he'd cut himself so horribly in the last two weeks, he couldn't put the blame on Peter. Peter didn't force him to cut himself nor did he ask that Neal do that. Neal did that to himself. "I've caused all of my problems myself."

•◊•

Peter sat down on the couch with Neal to eat dinner with him since Neal seemed inclined to do everything alone after they'd gotten home from work. He'd gone to his classes, but they'd let out early tonight, so he was home to eat dinner with Neal. He was really hoping for some lively conversation and a little excitement since he doesn't really have a chance to share dinner with Neal most nights unless Neal isn't hungry and waits until Peter comes home before cooking them both something. Neal seemed really upset and Peter didn't entirely understand why.

"Can I ask you something?" Neal glanced at him warily. He didn't nod or shake his head, but Peter decided to ask anyway. "Are your secrets the only thing stopping you from being with me or is it just me that you don't want to be with?"

"I want to be with you," Neal whispered honestly, frowning. "It's just in your best interest that we don't get together."

Peter's brows furrowed. "It's in _my_ best interest? I'd really like to be kissing you or holding you right now, but I can't—because you won't be my boyfriend." Neal didn't answer, but he did look away. "I'm not trying to pressure you into a relationship. I just don't understand why you want to be with me, but won't allow yourself to be with me."

Neal swallowed and whispered, "Because my life is really fucked up and I don't want to drag you into it."

"You're living with me in my apartment," Peter said quietly. "You're sleeping on my couch even though I know you wish you could sleep in my bed with me. You eat your meals with me. You work with me. You—"

"Okay. I fucking get it," Neal snapped. Peter remained silent as he watched Neal tense up beside him. "Things have been better since I started living with you, but the life I'm living inside my head is what will damage any relationship I consider entering. I'm just not starting anything with anyone."

Peter sighed quietly and whispered, "Is one reason you won't let yourself be with me because you think I'll put you out on the streets if things don't work out between us?" Neal didn't answer, but that was answer enough. "Neal, I care about you so much. Whether or not we're together as a couple, I would never put you out on the streets. Even if we date, break up, and you end up marrying an asshole down the road, you'd always be welcome to stay here with me."

"Do you just assume that I'll make all the wrong choices for the rest of my life?"

"I wasn't saying that at all," Peter said, sounding a little surprised.

Neal glared at him and said, "Then why do you assume I'd marry an asshole? I dated an asshole and he made me miserable, so why would I ever want to marry one?" Peter bit his lip. He hadn't meant to infer that, but he could kind of see why Neal was upset with him. "The last thing I ever want to do is subject and submit myself to someone who asks me to ki—" Neal cut himself off with a gasp as he realized he was just about to tell Peter about how terrible his last boyfriend was. He didn't want to start talking about how the man asked him to kill himself because that would lead up to every single time he cut himself. He definitely didn't want to reveal any of that to Peter. No matter how much he trusts Peter, he doesn't want Peter to look at him and think he's weak or pathetic.

Peter's brows furrowed and he whispered, "What did he ask you to do?" Neal was silent and Peter watched him struggle. Neal seemed like he wanted to tell Peter, but he was afraid to. "Neal, please," he pleaded. He was honestly concerned about Neal considering Neal's past and only relationship had been with someone Neal now considered an asshole. He kind of wanted to know what happened so he made sure he never repeated that mistake and hurt Neal again.

"He…" Neal cleared his throat as tears welled up in his eyes. He wasn't looking at Peter and he didn't think he'd be able to. "He asked me to…to kill myself," he whispered.

The older man's jaw dropped and he stared at Neal in horror. He couldn't imagine why anyone would ask their significant other to do such an awful thing—let alone why someone would ask _Neal_ to do that to himself. "Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry, Neal," he said, sounding truly apologetic even though he had nothing to do with the situation at all. "I'm so glad you didn't listen to—"

"I attempted suicide," Neal said abruptly. He figured it'd be wrong to stop talking about what happened now that Peter knew a little. He might as well inform Peter of how stupid he felt. Despite wanting to be honest with Peter, he still couldn't bring himself to look at Peter. "I tried to hang myself in my closet with him watching me. He sat on the end of my bed and encouraged me to go through with it." Peter blinked quickly as his own tears were coming on now. He felt so awful and wished he could kill the son of a bitch who told Neal to kill himself. "He said: Come on, baby. Just do it already." Peter reached out tentatively and took Neal's hand in his own, intertwining their fingers. "He kept saying I'd do it if I really loved him and he told me how awful and worthless I am. I don't deserve to be alive."

Neal broke down despite trying to steel himself against his past. Peter quickly moved their dinner off of their laps and pulled Neal against him, holding him close. "You deserve to be alive," Peter whispered to him repeatedly, rubbing his back and kissing his hair. "Everything he said to you was wrong. He's an asshole and he didn't love you if he asked you to prove your love to him by ending your life." He couldn't help the fact that listening to Neal sob because of what he'd gone through made him cry as well. "I would _never_ ask you to do that," he said thickly. "That's so fucking awful and you didn't deserve that."

The younger man was gripping Peter's shirt tightly in his left hand as he cried against Peter's neck. "I did. I did deserve that," Neal said miserably. "If I weren't such a shitty boyfriend, I would've been able to kill myself."

"No," Peter said roughly. "What he did to you was wrong." He realized that Neal was really traumatized by that experience and couldn't imagine how Neal felt after surviving. "He had no right to tell you to kill yourself, Neal. If he loved you, he wouldn't have asked you to do that."

"If the rod hadn't broken," Neal croaked, "I wouldn't be here right now."

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal tightly. He couldn't imagine living with that weight on his shoulders. Damien was an asshole, but not nearly as much of an asshole as Neal's ex-boyfriend. Damien at least claimed to love him, but Peter had never been asked to prove his love by ending his life. "I know he hurt you," Peter whispered, "but I'm glad you're still alive, Neal."

Neal wasn't used to hearing things like that. Of course his mother told him repeatedly not to listen to Vincent when Vincent said he wished Neal were dead, but she couldn't really stop anyone's words from hurting Neal deeply. His mother loved him even though Vincent treated him like absolute shit. She'd told Neal once or twice that she'd leave with him because she didn't want him to be hurt anymore, but Neal refused to leave. He'd wanted his mother to be happy despite the fact that his stepfather wanted him to die. Vincent told him his life wasn't worth living and threatened to kill him repeatedly. His boyfriend told him he was a piece of shit and should just kill himself because everyone would be happier without him.

For the longest time, all Neal believed was that he's a burden. He attempted suicide repeatedly because he wanted to stop bringing so much misery to the people he loved. "My mom's the only one who ever said that," Neal whispered against Peter's skin.

"Neal, your life is beyond worth living. I wouldn't have a best friend if you succeeded in killing yourself." Neal was honestly surprised by that. Peter considers him his best friend? He'd never been told that before either. "I love having you in my life and I wish I could've met you before you met him."

The younger man let out a very watery laugh as he whispered, "He's actually older than you." Peter's brows furrowed as he wondered how old Neal was when he'd dated this asshole. "I met him when I was fifteen. I was doing volunteer work at his workplace, so…we started talking. When I turned sixteen, he asked me out." Peter listened to Neal intently because he wanted to make damn sure nothing like this ever happened again. "We dated for about eight months before he began to pressure me into killing myself."

Peter really wondered how old this guy was if he were dating a sixteen year old _and_ is several years older than himself. "How…old was he when he dated you?"

"Twenty-eight. He's thirty-one now."

Peter's jaw clenched as he thought about a twenty-eight year old telling a sixteen year old to kill himself. No wonder Neal felt obligated to end his life. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart." One thing that relieved Peter was that Neal is still a virgin. The man who is eleven years older than Neal hadn't been able to pressure Neal into sex. For that, he was grateful. "You don't deserve to be treated that way no matter how badly you believe you do."

Neal shrugged before whispering, "It doesn't matter what I believe. The kids I went to school with, my stepfather, and my ex-boyfriend all told me pretty much the same thing. I've tried to kill myself repeatedly in the last few years. As you can see, it hasn't worked."

"Have you tried to kill yourself since you met me?"

Neal shook his head and Peter was relieved by that. "The day I ran away from home, I thought about killing myself. In a way, you kind of stopped me." Peter was genuinely surprised by that because he didn't know what he'd done. "You called me and gave me a second option. Even if you didn't let me live here, you got me away from there."

Peter watched Neal as Neal sat up a bit. He didn't want to let go of Neal though. "I'm sorry that your first relationship was so awful," he said sincerely, looking at Neal's face when Neal finally decided to look at him. "I'm still not trying to pressure you into anything, but I can promise you that I'd never do anything to hurt you if you were with me. I care about you so much, Neal. The very thought of losing you hurts me deeply."

Sniffling a bit, Neal whispered, "You're not just saying that so you can get in my pants?"

The older man gave Neal a soft smile and said, "Not at all."

"Why do you want me so much? I'm nothing like Damien."

Peter lifted his left hand, resting it against Neal's cheek and he tangled his fingers on his right hand in Neal's hair, gently stroking the softest hair he'd ever touched. "You're right. You're nothing like him." Neal leaned into Peter's palm and stared into his eyes. He wants to be with Peter, but he's afraid of eventually revealing that things that were said or done to him hurt him a lot more than he let on. "You're so much better than him, Neal. You're so sweet, gentle, and let me tell you how much I appreciated you jumping into the fray to protect me from that bastard." Neal blushed a little and Peter grinned at him. "Living with you has made me happy. Dating you… That would be really special."

"What if I have other secrets I can't share?"

Shrugging, Peter whispered, "I have secrets, too." He gave Neal a small smile and said, "I guess we'll just have to unravel our secrets with each other in time."

Neal whispered, "Do you really want to be with me?"

He could hear the skepticism in Neal's voice as well as the nervousness. Neal hasn't dated anyone since his first boyfriend and that relationship had been awful. He completely understood why Neal was reluctant to put himself into another situation like that with a man, but Peter hoped Neal knew him well enough to know he'd never do any of that to Neal.

Leaning towards Neal slowly, Peter pressed his lips against Neal's and gave him another kiss. Neal allowed him to do that and returned the kiss as well. It made Peter incredibly happy to have this young man kiss him. "Yes," he finally whispered when they parted. "Yes, I do."

Neal hesitated for a few moments before whispering, "I'm willing to try this with you."

And it made them both happy. They finished eating their dinner and, after talking a little more about things that made them comfortable or uncomfortable, decided it was time for them both to go to sleep.

As Neal was fixing up his blanket and readjusting his pillow, Peter watched him from his bedroom doorway. He wanted to ask Neal to join him, but he didn't want to push all of this onto Neal so soon. It would be really nice to hold Neal against him though. "Would you be interested in spending the night in my room?" he asked quietly, watching Neal intently to gauge his reaction.

When the younger man looked at him, he whispered, "I'm not ready for sex."

Rolling his eyes, Peter said, "Why is it that you always think I'm asking for sex?"

"Maybe it's because you admitted you wished you were having sex with me when Damien was with you."

Before Peter could respond to that, he paused. Neal was right. He'd admitted to Neal that he wanted to have sex with him. He was a little doped up in the hospital at the time, but he meant it all the same. "Touché," he said quietly. "Despite that, I'm just asking if you want to sleep in my bed with me instead of sleeping on the couch." Neal glanced down at the couch and Peter smiled a little. "Mozzie can join us."

That seemed to be a deal breaker right there. Neal leaned forward, picked Mozzie up, and headed over to Peter with Mozzie against his chest. Peter thought he was so adorable. He just smiled and rested his hand on Neal's lower back, guiding him into the bedroom. "You sleep on the right side of the bed, so do you want me on the left?"

Peter raised an eyebrow. "How do you know which side I sleep on?"

Neal rubbed Mozzie's head a little before murmuring, "Because you were sleeping in here when I was cleaning the bloodstains out of the rug." Peter tensed a bit and Neal felt bad for bringing that up. "I checked on you a few times just to make sure you weren't bleeding through your bandages, too…"

Sensing Neal's uneasiness, Peter kissed Neal's cheek. He really appreciated that Neal had taken care of him when he'd been doped up on pain medications and needed to get some rest. Neal changed his bandages for him while he was sleeping and he'd gotten the blood out of the rug. "I appreciate it, sweetheart." Neal smiled and then his smile fell when he watched Peter begin to strip. He knew Peter slept in his boxers, but he himself didn't feel comfortable doing so. He didn't want Peter to see his scars and cuts. Peter glanced at him as he was setting his clothes on a chair in the corner of the room and he realized what the issue was. "Shit. I'm sorry. Do you want me to put my clothes back on?" Neal shook his head and bit his lip. "You don't have to strip. I have some pajamas you could put on if you'd like."

Neal shook his head and said, "These are your pajamas that I'm wearing." Peter chuckled and didn't realize that. He was so used to Neal being here that it just felt normal to share his clothes and not call them specifically his clothes anymore.

Peter smirked and lifted the blanket, sliding into bed. Neal eventually got onto the bed as well and laid on his back. Peter raised an eyebrow as he watched the younger man squirm a bit. "Can I do something to make you more comfortable? I'm very open to whatever sleeping arrangement you find comfortable."

The younger man glanced at Peter and his eyes drifted down to Peter's very, very gorgeous chest. His mouth dried almost instantly and he was harder than hell now. He'd never gotten this hard around his first boyfriend. That was another indication that Peter is special. "We're just starting our relationship…" Neal whispered.

Shrugging, Peter said, "You've been my best friend a lot longer." After hesitating, Neal shifted onto his side and gently pushed Peter's hip so Peter was lying on his back. Peter smiled as he watched Neal get comfortable with him. He loves Neal so much, especially after hearing about how suicidal Neal was as a result of what he went through with his ex, his stepfather, and others he went to school with. He watched Neal shift Mozzie to place the little bear behind him and Peter reached out, grabbing the teddy bear. Neal stared up at him with wide eyes and was entirely surprised when Peter set Mozzie on his chest under Neal's arm. "You've slept with Mozzie since you were five years old. I don't want that to change," Peter said softly.

Neal's appreciative smile made Peter's heart pound. Neal rested his head on Peter's bare chest and held Mozzie against him. Peter twisted a bit without jostling Neal around too much so he could turn the light off. When he relaxed, Neal shifted again to get closer.

Peter held the younger man and closed his eyes. He listened to Neal breathe evenly and tried to synchronize their breathing without really trying. The longer he listened to the younger man, the more familiar he was becoming with Neal's sounds. Neal sounded so content with him and Peter was thrilled by that.

As Peter was about to fall asleep, the last thing he comprehended was a whispered, "I love you," with a gentle kiss against his skin.


	6. Chapter 6

Peter woke up the following morning and was sincerely glad to feel Neal against him. They'd moved around a little in their sleep, but Neal was pressed up against him with Mozzie in between them. He smiled to himself and stroked Neal's back slowly, listening to him breathe. It was a soothing and pleasing sound considering everything Neal revealed to him the previous night. He could be lying in bed alone, but Neal survived his own suicide attempt and was able to go on with life. For that, Peter was grateful.

Neal shifted a bit and Peter figured he was beginning to stir. He smiled and tentatively rubbed his leg against Neal's. Much to his surprise, Neal's eyes flew open and he gasped as though he were in severe pain. Peter stared at him concernedly and was unnerved when Neal abruptly moved away from him and practically propelled himself out of the bed.

Resting Mozzie on the pillows, Peter slid out of bed and headed towards the bathroom where he could hear the water running in the sink. He attempted to open the door, but it was locked. "Sweetheart, are you okay?"

"Yes. I'll be out in a second." He heard the toilet flush twice and then Neal washed his hands before finally unlocking the door, opening it and giving Peter a noticeably forced smile. "Sorry. I panicked because I forgot where I was. I thought last night was a dream." In reality, Neal just lied to his very new boyfriend. He'd felt blood on his leg when Peter rubbed against him. The fabric of his sleep pants opened a cut that was just beginning its healing process. He quickly rectified the problem, flushed the evidence down the toilet, and hoped Peter bought his lie.

Peter glanced at Neal's leg and asked, "Did I hurt you?"

Neal shook his head. "I was just...startled. I thought I imagined going to bed with you, so..."

Nodding, Peter apologized. "I'm sorry for startling you." Giving Neal a small smile, he said, "Last night was real. We have feelings for each other and finally got together." Neal gave him a genuine grin as Peter stepped closer to him and slid his arms around Neal's waist. Peter could see fear in Neal's eyes alongside the happiness Neal was feeling. If Peter could, he'd make it a point to make Neal smile as often as he could. "I don't understand how you're always so damn beautiful," he said softly as he rubbed the small of Neal's back.

"I'm not beautiful," Neal muttered, dropping his gaze to the floor.

Peter watched him and it hurt to know Neal, the most gorgeous human being he'd ever seen in his life, thought he wasn't attractive. It was sadly apparent that Neal had never been complimented by his previous boyfriend. If anything, Neal was probably insulted quite a bit. The man asked Neal to end his life, so God only knows what this asshole said about Neal's appearance.

Sliding his left hand back to Neal's front, he lifted his hand and gripped Neal's jaw gently, lifting Neal's head slightly until Neal's eyes met his. "No more of that," he said, hoping he could break Neal away from his habit of doubting and degrading himself someday. "You're with me now," he whispered. "I'm not going to do what your last boyfriend did."

Frowning, Neal said, "I've spent so much time believing everything he said about me." It also didn't help that he does find himself disgusting because of all of his scars and cuts. Peter was complimenting the parts of Neal that he could see and Neal was afraid of what Peter would say if he ever showed Peter the parts of him that he normally didn't see. "He called me stupid, repulsive, and insignificant—among other things and I've just…spent the last three years of my life believing that."

Peter nodded as anger welled up deep inside of him. If he ever met Neal's ex-boyfriend, the very first thing he'd do is punch the fucker in the face. "Well, I'm not him. I view you differently." He could see the doubt in Neal's eyes and knew it would take time for him to get Neal to emotionally trust him. Neal, in general, does trust him, but he's emotionally troubled as a result of everything he's been through. In all honesty, Peter couldn't blame him at all. He was fairly certain he'd feel the same way Neal feels if he dealt with the kind of man who insulted him for eight months and proceeded to ask him to hang himself while watching. "To me, you're beautiful, sweet, generous… I really can't put into words just how highly I think of you." Neal was blushing immensely and Peter thought that was really sad. "There's nothing I don't like about you. Your personality is spectacular, you're funny, and you're physically attractive."

"My personality is only good if I take my antidepressants."

Chuckling when Neal gave him a lopsided smile, Peter said, "I'd take you just the way you are—antidepressants or not."

Neal shook his head. "I need to be on them or I'll probably commit suicide. It took a lot to keep going when I was in the withdrawal phase."

Peter frowned and said, "I'm not going to take your antidepressants away. If you ever run out of money, I will pay for them without hesitation." He kissed Neal's forehead and loved the genuine, little smile Neal gave him. "I want you to be happy. The last thing I want is for you to feel the need to commit suicide. Your life is worth living and I want you to live it—preferably and hopefully with me."

"I really appreciate you, Peter," he whispered. "I don't know how I ever got lucky enough to have someone like you in my life, but I'm eternally grateful. Even if things between us don't work out in the end, you've given me true happiness for the first time."

Peter grinned at him. "I want you to be happy. My goals include graduating college, being with you is something I just accomplished, getting married, and keeping my lover happy." Neal looked so happy and Peter never wanted to do anything to make him look any other way. He's seen Neal cry way too much and he hoped he never pushed Neal in a suicidal direction. Neal means so much to him and he wants Neal to stay here, with him and in the world of the living. "I'd be really grateful if those last two goals also pertained to our relationship."

Neal's eyes widened and Peter's heart clenched tightly when Neal whispered, "You want to marry me someday?"

If he could kill anyone without being arrested, he would kill Neal's ex. Before, Damien would have been his target, but Neal's ex was awful. "Of course," he said softly. "I mean, I know we just got together, but there's just… There's some connection between us and I could feel it the first time I met you in person."

The younger man looked a little nervous as he said, "I didn't think anyone would ever actually want to marry me…"

Peter nodded because he'd already figured that out himself. "Well, I do. I'm with you and I want our relationship to be meaningful." Neal bit his lip and Peter knew he wanted to say something, but was nervous to do so. "Whatever's on your mind, feel free to talk, sweetheart."

"Did you ever say these things to Damien?"

The fear in Neal's voice indicated that Neal's ex didn't let him talk about any other men in their lives at the time. Peter assumed Neal's ex controlled the entirety of their relationship considering the age difference and the man's ability to manipulate a young mind. "Honestly, no. When we got together, I wanted things to go in that direction, but I didn't feel this way about him as I got to know him better. I don't like the person he is and I don't think I'd be able to fully commit myself to someone like him."

Neal nodded. "I'm sorry that he was terrible to you, too. My ex isn't the only asshole here. You've let me open up about him, so I hope you feel like you can talk to me about Damien if you want to."

Smiling softly, Peter kissed Neal's forehead again. "I know I can talk to you about anything. I trust you with my past and with the secrets I intend on revealing to you someday."

"Are those secrets…really bad?"

Peter gave him an uncertain look. "It depends on your point of view, I suppose. A couple of them are definitely, definitely bad. The bad ones are the things I've never shared with anyone." Neal's eyes widened a little and Peter nodded. "If I open up to anyone about them, I want it to be you. Of all the people I've ever met in my life, I think you'd understand things better."

"Have you ever cut yourself?" Neal asked abruptly. It sounded like a question he didn't want to ask, but felt the need to ask at the same time.

Shaking his head, Peter said, "No. I honestly never thought about doing that." Glancing at Neal, he could see the uneasiness in Neal's posture. "Have you?" Neal looked away from him and Peter nodded. "As long as you're not doing it now, everything's fine. If you're doing it now, then I need to step it up a bit."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," Neal said, breaking all contact with Peter immediately as he went over to the couch. Peter watched him and wondered if Neal felt like he couldn't talk about this. He wasn't going to push Neal to open up, but he does want to know why Neal hurt himself in the past. As for whether or not Neal was still harming himself, he couldn't truly tell. For all he knew, Neal might just be ashamed to admit that he intentionally hurt himself.

As far as Peter knew, it didn't seem like Neal was cutting himself, but he hadn't been around anyone who did that to themselves before, so he wasn't quite sure what to look for in a person who has or still does cut. If Neal were still cutting, Peter would have to help him stop somehow. He didn't like the idea of hurting his own body and he really didn't like the idea of Neal hurting his body. In fact, it hurt his heart to think Neal had to resort to cutting his own body to make himself feel better. "I'm not going to make fun of you or belittle you if you admit that you have cut in the past."

Neal's back tensed immensely and Peter's brows furrowed because he didn't understand. "I said I don't want to talk about it anymore," he bit out. Neal was afraid to admit to it. Peter had no experience with it and he didn't want to share his experience because he didn't want to scare Peter off. Peter apologized quietly a little ways away from him and Neal ignored him. He was stuck in a loop, thinking about the worst scenarios he could imagine if he were to tell Peter about just how much he hates himself.

He could imagine Peter beating him. He could imagine Peter insulting him and screaming at him. He could imagine Peter shoving him out of the apartment. All he could see were scenarios in which he would be abandoned. It terrified him to think he would be alone again if he lost Peter. Even though Peter said he was always welcome to live with him, he honestly believed Peter would kick him out. He had nowhere else to go if Peter made him leave. He couldn't go back to his mother unless he felt like he could take Vincent's verbal and physical abuse daily. He has no other friends, so he had no one to crash with temporarily. The only other person he could live with would be his ex, but he would need to grovel at his feet and hope he would be allowed inside.

Of course there was the route of not living with anyone at all and just ending his life in some fashion. He had a lot of options when it came to deciding on how he wanted his life to come to an end. He had more options to consider for suicide than he did for living.

"Whatever you're thinking about, stop it right now." Neal startled and was surprised to see Peter on his knees in front of him. He blinked rapidly and realized he'd been crying. "Don't think about things that hurt you, Neal. You aren't alone and you never have to be alone again. For as long as I live, I'm happy to be your home."

Peter gently wiped Neal's tears away and Neal whispered, "I didn't mean to cry…"

"I know. I didn't even realize you were crying until I came over to sit with you." Neal closed his eyes and held his head in his left hand. "You were crying silently and I knew you were hurting yourself. There's no reason to worry about anything. I'm not going to let anything happen to you, Neal." He stroked Neal's hair after clearing Neal's tears away. "Your past is your past and I, unfortunately, can't change it, but please don't let your past affect your future."

Without thinking, Neal whispered, "What if I'm not supposed to have a future?"

His eyes flew open when he realized he'd voiced his thoughts aloud with Peter in his presence. Glancing at Peter, he could see the pain in Peter's expression. "Neal, I don't want you to kill yourself," he said brokenly. "I don't want my last moments with you to be in front of a casket." Neal watched Peter break down a little in front of him and he was awed by it despite the circumstances. He didn't think anyone would care if he just…vanished, but here was one person who desperately wanted him to live. "I know I have no control over your life or what you intend to do in the future, but I will do anything I possibly can to prevent you from committing suicide."

Neal found this really fascinating and heartbreaking at the same time. Peter, not even twenty-four hours into their relationship, was telling him that he didn't want to live without him. He never thought anyone would feel that way about him, but it hurt him to see how much this hurt Peter. He'd made Peter cry the previous night while talking about his ex and he didn't like that he was making Peter cry now. "I'm sorry," Neal said sincerely as he pulled Peter into a hug. He never thought about things like this because he never thought he'd voice his thoughts to anyone who would care.

Peter held Neal tightly and tried to stop crying. It was killing him inside to think about what was going on in Neal's mind. Neal had been hurt so much in the past and he completely believed his future would include an equal amount of hurt. Peter, while knowing that their relationship wouldn't always be full of happiness, wanted to do anything and everything he could to keep Neal happy. He wanted to give Neal a reason to live. He wanted Neal to have incentive to finally stop thinking so negatively about himself personally as well as about his own life. "I don't want to lose you forever," Peter whispered. "If you ever feel suicidal, please come to me. Please don't run away and do something terrible to yourself." Neal was rubbing Peter's back gently as Peter continued to cry and plead with Neal. "Please let me help you."

Neal was blinking back his own tears as he whispered, "You're the only one I can go to. You're the only person in my life that I trust." Aside from his mother, of course, but he couldn't be around her very much considering Vincent is her husband. He never felt like he could tell her that her own child thought about taking his life. He couldn't tell the woman who brought him into this world that he wanted out. "I'm sorry for hurting you, Peter. Thank you for everything you said." To emphasize his gratitude, he kissed Peter's neck and squeezed him a little tighter.

"I know what I just did was pathetic, but I really don't want to lose you," Peter murmured. "You've been my world since I met you." He pulled back a bit and looked at Neal's face, seeing the apology in Neal's eyes. "Please promise me that you will talk to me before thinking about suicide."

"I promise, Peter," Neal said sincerely. He still didn't feel like opening up about his habit of cutting himself, but at least he knew Peter was more than willing to let him talk about his suicidal intentions if he has any more of them while they're together. If Peter could stay with him and allow him to openly speak about his suicidal thoughts, perhaps he would someday be able to show Peter his skin. For the time being, he'd just take Peter's feelings into consideration the next time he thought about implying he wants to die.

•◊•

A month into their relationship, Neal went out to visit with his mother later in the day while Peter was supposed to be in class. Peter left at his usual time and pretended to leave for class, but he'd waited for Neal to shower and leave as well before finally going back into the apartment.

He was concerned because Neal had been acting erratically lately and was going out of his way to 'forget' to check his phone. When Peter glanced at it once, he saw a text message from someone Neal listed as 'Asshole.' He didn't know if that referred to the ex-boyfriend or the stepfather, but the message unnerved Peter upon reading it. What he read had been: _I wish you'd just die already, you worthless piece of shit._

Neal took his phone with him because he was making last minute arrangements with his mother, so he was going to call her while walking the short distance to wherever it was that he wanted to go. Peter, deciding to play detective while his boyfriend was out, went into the bathroom. He glanced into the shower and stared at it intently, scrutinizing the entire thing for any traces of Neal's blood. He didn't find anything and there was nothing on the floor either. The next thing he checked was Neal's razor. He didn't understand why Neal kept it in the shower with him unless he was cutting himself, but Neal hadn't left behind any of his skin that he may have cut.

If there weren't droplets of water on the floor of the bathroom, Peter would think Neal was trying desperately to cover something up. He glanced at the toilet and opened it up just for the sake of checking things out. Neal's flushed the toilet twice a lot lately. If Neal was having stomach issues, then that was fine, but Peter didn't think that was the case. When he lifted the lid, he found a little piece of paper. Reaching in to grab it, he knew it was what covered the sticky ends of a band-aid. "He's flushing them down the toilet," Peter whispered in horror.

Neal was honestly trying to make it seem like everything was fine, but Peter was beginning to catch on. Maybe Neal wasn't hurting himself too much… After all, only one little paper had come back up after Neal flushed the evidence. Neal was trying to hide all of this from him and he wondered where the hell Neal was getting band-aids from. He wasn't leaving any traces of anything in the garbage, so, after throwing the little paper away and washing his hands, Peter had to search the bathroom to see if he could find Neal's band-aids.

As he was glancing behind the little cabinet that he stored their towels in, he rested his left hand on the wall and was surprised when it fell into the interior structure of the wall, landing on something to keep it from falling. Glancing at the open area of the wall, Peter's brows furrowed. The wall hadn't been like this before Neal began to live with him. He peered into the hole in the wall and saw a whole row of boxes of band-aids lined up across the apartment building's internal structure. Those boxes were off to the right. Flattened boxes were to the left.

Reaching in to grab the nearest box, he realized Neal used it recently. He'd more than likely used it before leaving this morning because his blood was still slowly sliding down the front of the box. He found it really disturbing that there was a lot of blood on the box in general. To him, it seemed like Neal had been trying to stop the bleeding with his hand and used that same hand to retrieve the band-aids.

All of this was making him sick. He didn't look at Neal's bank account nor did he ever ask about things Neal went out to buy while alone, but he could see that Neal had been stocking up on band-aids for quite some time. Six boxes were flattened and he had ten lined up on the other side, waiting to be used.

He didn't understand. Was he adding to Neal's misery? All he'd done lately was try to make Neal feel loved. He took him out on dates, ate romantic dinners with him in the apartment, and they laid in bed together for hours just to talk to each other about random thoughts or feelings they had if they didn't talk about their pasts. Not once did Neal ever indicate that he was cutting himself to the point where he bled excessively and apparently needed a lot of band-aids to stop whatever bleeding he started on his body.

He sat down on the floor and held the box in front of him, staring at Neal's blood. He wished he knew that Neal was hiding things in the walls to avoid being caught. Hell, he wished Neal would've just told him outright that he's hurting himself so Peter could try to eliminate the problem or at least remove Neal's means of inflicting harm upon himself.

The one thing that was bothering Peter the most was that he didn't know if he should or shouldn't confront Neal about this. For one, he'd been deceptive by kissing Neal goodbye and waiting around a corner he knew Neal wasn't going to use to leave the building. He'd lied about going to his class and he was skipping said class so he could snoop on his boyfriend. In a way, he felt like he was invading Neal's privacy. Neal didn't want him to know about this for whatever reason and he wasn't quite sure how to approach the situation with Neal himself.

It was considerably easy to sit here by himself and think about how terrible Neal must be feeling if he hurt himself so much. He could sit here and think about the fact that Neal feels the need to hurt himself even though they're together. He'd tried to give Neal opportunities to talk if he wanted to, but Neal refused to further the conversation about cutting. If Neal hadn't asked him about whether or not he'd done it in the past and then acted irritable when Peter questioned him in return, he wouldn't have even considered that Neal was doing any of this.

Now that he knew, things were beginning to click into place. Every single time he touched Neal's leg, reached out to grab Neal's leg, or playfully kicked Neal's leg, Neal was in an immense amount of pain and always retreated to the bathroom. He felt awful because he didn't realize he was truly hurting Neal—even though Neal wouldn't have been hurting if he hadn't hurt himself in the first place.

As he was sitting on the floor and staring at the bloodied box of band-aids, his phone went off. Reluctantly, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and groaned before answering the call. " _Hey, baby._ "

"What do you want, fuckface?"

Damien was on the other end and he chuckled. " _I was just thinking about you and about how long it's been since we last saw each other…_ "

Peter made a mock thoughtful sound and snapped, "Well, perhaps it's been so long because you fucking raped me again while we were supposed to have simple sex."

" _Oh, baby. You still think I raped you even after all of this time?_ "

"Of course I do. You raped me for six years before you began to cheat on me." He rubbed his thumb over the box in his hands and thought about Neal. "I was weak because I thought I loved you, but I don't love you. In fact, I fucking hate you."

Damien made a pleased sound that disgusted Peter. " _Baby, you know I love you with all of my heart and dick._ " Peter rolled his eyes. Damien was never one for anything romantic. Everything had to be sexual when it came to him. " _Come on. You know you want me inside of you again, Peter. It's never been rape because you always consented._ "

Peter made an incredulous sound. "Why would I ever want to have sex with you again? You have raped me every single time we fucked since the first night and I was stupid for submitting to you. You didn't like being the submissive one, so you decided to go to extreme measures to be the dominant man in the relationship." Damien chuckled and Peter angrily said, "You already got what you wanted. You took all of my virginity and had a fucking idiot for a sex slave for the last six years. What else could you possibly want?"

" _I really don't appreciate the tone of your voice, baby._ "

"And I should give a fuck because…?"

" _Because I'll break your little fucker's neck if you don't come back to our apartment._ " Peter's eyes widened. It was one thing for Damien to threaten him, but he didn't want Neal brought into this. " _If you want to call everything I do to you rape, then fine. Come over here and let me rape you or I'll go after your virgin princess._ "

Peter snarled, "Don't you dare go near him. He hasn't done anything wrong. What he did to you was done to protect me. He knows you're an asshole, so he didn't want to let me suffer anymore."

Damien was making babyish sounds on the other end that pissed Peter off considerably. " _Cry me a God damn river. Get the hell over here right now. I want to shove my dick so far inside of you that you'll rip apart at the seams and—_ "

Peter hung up on him. He realized he shouldn't have answered in the first place, but he wanted to fight back against Damien now that he has Neal. Neal makes him feel better than Damien ever made him feel—and he and Neal haven't even had sex yet since getting together a month ago.

He stood up quickly, counted the number of remaining band-aids in the box, and placed the box back in its original place so Neal wouldn't know he saw everything. He knew he had no right to call Neal out on this while he was holding back from revealing to Neal that Damien had been raping him. Damien, naturally, didn't see it that way because Peter came to him, but Peter spent so much time living with Damien and being raped by him continuously. It'd become something…familiar. He never liked it, but he never stopped it either. What would Neal think of that?

Fixing the panel Neal created in the wall, Peter took a step back and stared at the wall in horror. He never realized that Neal had done any of this because it blended so perfectly. For a few moments, he wondered how the hell Neal knew where it was all the time, but then he realized there was a very, very small mark at the center of the panel. "You sneaky son of a bitch." He had to admit that Neal was very intelligent. He never would have noticed the panel embedded into the wall if he hadn't placed his hand over it and pushed it in. While he didn't particularly approve of what Neal was doing, he realized Neal was probably an expert at this because he'd been doing this for a long time.

Upon realizing that, Peter didn't know what to think. How badly was Neal injured if he'd been doing this for several years? He couldn't even imagine how much Neal scarred himself. He couldn't imagine all of the nerves Neal damaged in his leg—or his legs. In all honesty, he had no idea if Neal's leg was the only outlet Neal used for his self-inflicted harm. It hurt to think Neal was going out of his way and creating little cubbies in walls to hide evidence of what he was doing to himself. Whether it was because Neal was used to having to hide this or he didn't want to hurt Peter, Peter didn't know. He wished Neal would talk to him about this.

All of this explained so much. He'd found a very bloody towel in the laundry basket and Neal told him it was from cleaning the rug and his pants the day Peter had been assaulted by Damien in the apartment. Peter now realized that Neal lied to him. He honestly didn't give it much thought because he hadn't considered that Neal was hurting himself.

Now that he knew about Neal's stash of band-aids, he could keep track of just how much Neal was hurting himself by watching his supply of band-aids slowly decrease. At least he hoped it was a slow decrease…

He would wait and see if things got better once Neal came home from talking to his mother. If Neal continued to harm himself, he would have no choice but to finally confront him and make him confess. He didn't want to resort to that, but he wasn't going to have Neal lie to his face now. The lying Neal's done already was bad enough and their relationship is still slightly new. He didn't want Neal to leave him, but he didn't want Neal to keep hurting himself either.

In the next day or two, he would watch Neal's supply. If Neal used more than a handful of band-aids after one of his showers, Peter knew things were severe and that he desperately needed to intervene before something terrible happened to Neal.

For the time being, he decided being late to class was better than sitting in the apartment with his thoughts. He washed the blood off of his hand and made sure everything was the way it'd been before he found the hole in the wall.

Sighing as he glanced at the wall sadly, he finally turned and left to go to his classes.


	7. Chapter 7

Friday morning, Peter woke up before Neal. It'd been two days since he discovered that Neal was harming himself and trying to hide it, so he was going to see how many band-aids were left in the box Neal was using. He'd had twenty left out of thirty total the last time Peter checked. He glanced at Neal just to make sure he was still asleep. Neal seemed like he felt a little better after coming home from seeing his mother and Peter thought about asking if the stepfather or ex-boyfriend was the one texting him and making him miserable. He hadn't asked because he hoped Neal would come to him. Thus far, Neal wasn't coming to Peter about _anything_ that hurt him.

Sliding out of bed, he left Neal and made his way towards the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it. He moved to stand in front of the wall where the panel was and he gently pushed the panel in and proceeded to glance at the boxes on the right. His jaw dropped when he realized Neal had gone through an additional two boxes—with thirty band-aids each—in two days along with the twenty he initially had left in the first box. He glanced at the structure Neal placed everything on and he could see just how bloody it was. The outside of the recently flattened boxes and the one Neal just opened had blood all over them, too.

If Peter didn't know about this stash of his, he never would've thought Neal was cutting. Neal never left a single drop of blood anywhere or a piece of skin in the razor because he still didn't want Peter to know. This hurt Peter a great deal and actually pissed him off a little. He wished Neal would talk to him instead of torturing himself and keeping his thoughts to himself. They're in a relationship now and it is fairly new, but Neal's already opened up about some things, so why couldn't he open up about this? This was severe and obviously out of hand considering Neal went through eighty band-aids in two days. He was expecting maybe _ten_ to be used—not _eighty._

This was going to end and he realized he was going to have to end it if he wanted Neal to stop hurting himself—or at least talk about why he does it. Peter doesn't understand that mentality, but he'd like to understand his boyfriend better. The last thing he wanted was for Neal to end up cutting himself wrong and bleed to death. He shuddered at the thought of coming home from his classes to find Neal in a pool of his own blood in their bathroom. He's afraid of losing Neal and this definitely wasn't helping his case of anxiety regarding Neal's life. If intentional suicide didn't get him, unintentional suicide just might…

Reaching into the wall, he pulled out all of the flattened boxes and turned to set them on the sink countertop. He then proceeded to remove the remaining eight boxes of band-aids before fixing the panel. Neal wouldn't know he was here until he pushed the wall in. If Neal didn't talk to him after this, Peter regretted that he would need to force Neal to talk to him. If he needed to get Neal help, he would pay for anything Neal needs. He just didn't want to allow Neal to continue harming himself. He didn't like the idea that Neal had to cut into his own skin—and quite a bit apparently—in order to feel better, relieved, or _something._ That inability to describe the feelings Neal has been experiencing is exactly why Peter wants Neal to talk to him. He wants to understand this. He wants to understand Neal.

After moving the flattened boxes and the unopened boxes into the kitchenette, hiding them in the little cabinet below the sink, he headed back to bed. Neal was lying on his right side and still very much asleep when Peter laid down behind him. He stared at Neal and found himself slightly afraid of the confrontation that was likely to ensue. Neal would realize Peter found out, he'd probably panic, and then he didn't know where things would go from there. Neal could become extremely emotional, he could get angry and become physical, or he might actually be calm enough to finally talk.

For the time being, he just stared at Neal sadly. He felt awful for being unable to make Neal happier. If Neal were resorting to harming himself, he felt like he wasn't doing what he should be doing for Neal. Neal always seemed so damn happy when they did things together, so Peter had no idea why Neal would continue to harm himself. If he isn't the problem, he figured Neal's stepfather or ex was doing something to upset Neal enough to lead him to this. If that were the case, he'd do everything he could to get one or both of those assholes out of Neal's life permanently.

An hour and a half later, Neal shifted onto his stomach. That was how he knew Neal was awake. He was lying on his side beside Neal and hadn't moved since coming back into the bedroom. Despite wanting to tell Neal about the fact that he now knows everything, he was going to play this out normally. This morning would start out like any other morning. He was giving Neal one last chance to open up to him before allowing Neal to figure out on his own that Peter already knows. "Hey, you," he whispered.

Neal rolled a bit to lie on his left side and he smiled at Peter sleepily. "Good morning, handsome." Peter didn't understand why Neal looked so happy. He felt like Neal had been faking it the whole time because Neal was hurting himself in a way that made Peter sick to think about. In the last two days, he thought about cutting himself once or twice just to see how Neal felt, but he couldn't even bring himself to do that. He didn't like the idea of harming himself, but he really didn't like the idea of his lover self-harming. "Watching me sleep again?" he teased quietly. Peter just smiled at him and his heart fluttered when Neal shifted closer to kiss him. He didn't understand this. How could Neal seem so happy and act this way with him if he hurt himself? "How'd you sleep?"

"Pretty good," Peter said quietly. Lying there quietly, he contemplated whether or not he wanted to push things along a little faster. The quicker Neal discovered that Peter took all of his band-aids, the quicker it might be for Neal to come clean—or act aggressively. He regretted what he was doing, forcing the issue to move along, as he reached over a bit and hiked Neal's right leg up and over his hip, watching Neal's reaction. This was the leg he was cutting into and Peter wanted to know if Neal could hide his pain very well considering how much he cut himself.

Neal made a pained sound and covered it up by pretending he was sighing shakily, whispering, "Trying to steal my virginity from me already this morning?"

Peter watched Neal's eyes and he could see just how much pain he was causing Neal physically. Neal's jaw was set firmly and his entire body was tense. "I just like having you close to me." He kissed Neal again and knew Neal was going to give in very quickly. Neal was trying to pretend he wasn't hurting and Peter honestly didn't like that he was hurting. He didn't like that he was the one hurting Neal, but he needed Neal to explain this to him and help him understand. He needed Neal to stop lying to him and pretending everything is okay if it's not. He couldn't make things better if he didn't know what was bringing Neal down enough for Neal to cut himself with the intention of bringing on his own pain.

"I need to shower," Neal said as normally as he could manage. He pecked Peter's lips and withdrew his leg very quickly. Despite moving as fast as he had, Peter caught the intense pain on Neal's face that he masked moments later. "After I get out, I can help you with breakfast. Does that sound okay?"

"Sounds perfect," Peter whispered. "Don't take too long."

He watched Neal slide out of bed and was able to see the tension in Neal's back as he left the room. Now that he thought this through… If Neal cut himself in the shower and got out, expecting to have his stash of band-aids, he'd find nothing there and be unable to stop his bleeding. Peter felt guilty as he slid out of bed and dressed himself. If he had to help Neal stop the bleeding, he wanted to be close by. He also wanted to see if he could hear Neal reacting to his lack of supplies.

After getting dressed, he went out into the living area and sat on the couch, turning the television on and turning it down a bit. He was waiting for Neal to turn the shower on and he hadn't yet. A few minutes passed and he could hear Neal slamming doors to the cabinet under the sink as well as the towel cabinet. In a way, Peter was relieved that Neal looked before getting in and harming himself. He could hear Neal moving around frantically in the bathroom and knew that Neal would come out any moment now.

Everything was quiet and then he heard things slamming in the bathroom a little louder. Neal was getting desperate and hoping his band-aids would just appear in one of the places he was looking. Little did he know, they weren't in that room for him to find. Staring at the bathroom door, he waited until everything was silent. Neal still didn't run the shower.

Moments passed before Neal was unlocking the door and coming out with tears in his eyes. He immediately stopped and stared at Peter and Peter didn't look away from him. He turned the television off and just waited. Neal was now aware of his knowledge of the situation and Peter wanted to see what Neal was going to do or say now. He wanted to see if Neal planned on lying to him even now. "How did you know?" he whispered thickly as he gasped quietly while crying.

"I didn't know until two days ago," Peter said quietly in response.

Neal's eyes widened as he incredulously said, "You knew two _days_ ago?" Peter nodded slowly. The surprise in Neal's eyes and voice was killing him inside. Why would Neal not expect him to care? Peter loves him and he honestly hoped Neal knew that by now. "How?"

"That doesn't matter. How I found out should not be your biggest concern right now. I waited two days because I wanted to see how bad this is." Neal shut his eyes tightly and Peter figured he was bracing himself for something awful. "You tipped me off when you asked if I ever cut myself. The way you acted when I asked you that same question is how I knew you'd done it before. I just didn't realize you were still doing it until I stumbled upon your little cubby in the wall." Neal began to sob, lifting his hands to cover his face, and Peter wanted to hold him so badly. He hates seeing Neal cry, but Neal needs to understand that he's not alone, that he has a boyfriend who will be there for him. "You're a very smart man," he said loud enough for Neal to hear him through his sobs. "I just don't understand why you're doing this to yourself."

Lowering his hands, Neal looked like he wanted to be held and Peter would gladly hold him if Neal came to him. Neal needed to start this conversation, to start this interaction. He was only the catalyst in all of this by removing Neal's band-aids from the spot he never thought Peter would find, so Neal had to react in his own way. Peter didn't want to force him into anything or make him uncomfortable, so he was letting Neal control this right now. "I feel so God damn stupid," he whispered miserably.

Peter shook his head and rose up from the couch. "You're not stupid, sweetheart."

"Hold on," Neal said abruptly, wiping his tears away angrily. "You knew already. You intentionally hurt me this morning?" he asked incredulously. "Why would you do that to me?"

Peter still regretted doing that to Neal. He didn't like the idea of causing Neal pain, but Neal needed to let someone in eventually and Peter wanted to be the one Neal let his walls down with. Right now, Neal seemed like he was about to go into hysterics and Peter sighed quietly. "Because I wanted you to open up to me. I don't like that you hid this from me. I don't like that you're causing yourself pain and damaging your body, Neal."

Nodding as tears slid down the sides of his face, he darted back into the bedroom. Peter's brows furrowed and he followed the younger man. As he stood in the doorway of their bedroom, he watched Neal pull a few of his belongings out of spots he'd purposely placed them in with the intention of staying here in the long term and he began to throw everything into a bag he'd bought at some point. "I can't be here anymore."

Peter didn't want Neal to leave. He doesn't want Neal to be alone. As Neal was about to rush past him, he moved and stood in Neal's way. Neal actually bumped into him and stepped back to look up at him fearfully. "You're not going anywhere. I didn't ask you to leave. I didn't order you to leave. Did I say anything about wanting you to get the hell out?" Neal shook his head and Peter watched him cry silently. "Put everything back. I'm not letting you leave just because I know you cut yourself. The only way I'll let you out of this apartment is if you tell me you don't want to be with me—in a relationship with me. If you say that, I'll step aside."

The older man could see the fear slowly morphing into anger. However, he could see through Neal's anger. Neal was playing him. "I don't love you. Get the hell out of my way." The tremor in his voice betrayed him and Peter knew this was another lie.

"I still love you, but I won't force you to stay." He moved aside and Neal immediately rushed past him and went straight for the door. Peter just watched him sadly. He knew he should stop Neal and he desperately wanted to, but he didn't want to be the bad guy here. Neal's ex controlled him and Peter wondered if that was why Neal began to cut himself. He'd never know the answer to that now.

As Neal's hand rested on the doorknob, he froze. Peter watched him and said nothing. He'd already said what he needed to say. He told Neal he loves him and he said it because he wants Neal to know he doesn't resent him for this. He's not angry. He just wants Neal to make him understand, to explain all of this to him. He wants to know how Neal feels and thinks before and while he cuts. Above all of that, he wanted to know if he could help Neal in any way.

Peter's brows furrowed when Neal let go of the doorknob, leaned against the door, dropped his bag, and began to sob while sliding down the door until he was sitting. Instead of waiting for Neal to physically make a move towards him, Peter understood this as an emotional step towards him and Peter was making his move towards Neal.

Crossing the room quickly, Peter dropped to his knees and held Neal when Neal jumped towards him and wrapped his arms around him. Peter let him cry without saying a word. If Neal needed to cry, then he needed to cry. He figured Neal had been controlled by his previous boyfriend and he himself knows how it feels to be controlled because of Damien, so he wasn't going to do that to Neal. He's never felt like this about anyone. Upon seeing Neal in person, he felt something very strong. He never felt like that with Damien or any crushes he had briefly throughout his life.

"I don't want to go," Neal stammered. "I love you. I love you, Peter." Peter smiled a little as tears welled up in his own eyes. He held Neal and remained silent. Neal knows Peter loves him. He said so before Neal attempted to run out on him. When Neal curled up against him closer, Peter was careful. He didn't want to hurt Neal's leg intentionally. Upon glancing at Neal's right leg, he watched it twitch twice. He'd felt Neal twitch in bed, but he didn't understand why until he realized Neal probably damaged his nerves severely. "I'm so ugly and disgusting and repulsive and—"

"Honey, do you realize you just used three different words that are synonymous for each other?" Neal stopped and sniffled against Peter. "You are _not_ ugly. You are _not_ disgusting. You are _not_ repulsive. Not to me."

Neal began to tremble and Peter knew this was an internal demon Neal was facing. He didn't know what Neal was holding back at the moment, but it was hurting him very deeply and frightening him at the same time. "My legs…" He swallowed hard and whispered, "From my stomach to my ankles, I'm covered in cuts and scars." Peter imagined how that looked and it was breaking his heart. "I can't give you intimacy. I can't take my clothes off. I can't give you anything worthwhile." He croaked, "I'm worthless," and Peter wanted this to end. He wanted Neal's suffering to end. If he could convince Neal that Neal is worthwhile, perhaps Neal would start to believe that himself.

"You're giving me intimacy right now," Peter said softly. "You're talking to me and I'm holding you. While you're unfortunately upset, this is intimate because you do love me, Neal." Neal pulled back a little and looked at Peter's face. "You are the most meaningful thing you can give me. I'm not asking for anything more than you, sweetheart." He kissed Neal's forehead and whispered, "If you never want to take your clothes off, I completely understand." Part of him wanted to see the damage Neal's done to himself. He'd imagined quite a bit in the last two days, but this was obviously worse than he realized. "I'm in love with you. I'm not in love with you because of your body or because of what you can offer sexually. I'm in love with you because I love who you are. Your body is part of who you are. Your scars and cuts are on your body, so they, by default, are part of who you are." Neal began to cry again as he rested his head on Peter's shoulder. Neal wasn't crying now because he's upset. He's crying because he knows what Peter is saying to him. "I won't judge you, Neal, because I love you so much."

They stayed there for quite some time—until Neal calmed down and decided he was going to get up. He grabbed his bag and went back into the bedroom, dropping his bag in front of the dresser he and Peter share. "I didn't even grab Mozzie," he whispered as he looked at the teddy bear lying on the bed. "I knew I couldn't leave." Peter hadn't thought of that before. Neal loves Mozzie and he would never leave the little bear behind. He went back into the house he'd been abused in just to retrieve the bear, so Peter knew Neal wouldn't have left Mozzie unless he planned on staying. "Peter, you think I'm beautiful because all you can see is my face and the shape of my body. Under my clothes, I am repulsive. If I show you and you throw up or shy away from me, I'll understand."

Peter watched Neal turn around to face him and he saw the sadness and pain in Neal's eyes. He wholeheartedly believed one's eyes reflected their innermost feelings and he knew that was true when he looked into Neal's eyes. "If you show me what you've done to yourself, I'm not going to throw up or shy away from you." He wouldn't do anything to make Neal feel worse than he already feels. Lifting his shirt a little, he pointed out a few tiny scars Neal hadn't noticed before. "I got these from Damien one night. He was off of his antidepressants, going through withdrawal, and getting drunk. At the time, he was carrying a pocketknife and he brought it into bed." Neal listened because he knew Peter was opening up. He knew Peter was giving him a reason to trust him. "While he was fucking me, he cut me. I know it's not the same thing, but I have a couple scars from cuts myself. I hate them, but could you still love me now that you know about them?"

Laughing mirthlessly, Neal said, "If you despise the scars he gave you, just wait until you see the scars I've given myself." Peter frowned at him. He wasn't going to force Neal to remove his clothing. If he and Neal ever decided to have sex, he'd probably have to pull Neal's pants down to a certain point for access. If he had to do that, he'd do it. That wasn't important though. The important thing is that he'd do anything for Neal as long as Neal tried to stop cutting after this. If Neal wanted to hide his body from him for the rest of their lives, so be it. He was not going to force Neal to do anything he didn't feel comfortable doing.

"You never have to show me them if you don't feel comfortable doing so."

They stood in silence for several minutes and Neal looked away, finding himself lost in his own thoughts. Peter just watched him and wondered what he was thinking about. He wished his could hear Neal's thoughts just so he could prove Neal's negativity wrong. He looks at Neal and sees someone full of potential, someone full of love, and someone he could be with for the rest of his life. "Can I show you?" he eventually whispered, lifting his gaze to meet Peter's eyes directly. Peter could feel the immense shift in Neal's trust at that moment. Neal had never shown anyone his scars from what he could tell. The fact that he was now willing to expose himself and put his heart on his sleeve without knowing for certain how Peter would react was not lost on Peter.

Peter gave him a small smile and said, "I'm not telling you whether you can or can't. I love you and it's your decision to make, Neal."

After about a minute, Peter watched Neal grab the waistband of his sleep pants. Neal froze because he was having second thoughts. He was so concerned because Peter is one of the best things he's ever had in his life and he doesn't want to lose what they have before they have the chance to finally begin without lies. When he looked at Peter again, he slowly removed his pants. Peter watched in masked horror as Neal revealed his hips, a sliver of his stomach, and his thighs. Neal looked up at him again and Peter was trying so hard to keep himself from giving Neal a negative reaction. When Neal saw that Peter wasn't revolted by him, he continued pushing his pants down until they were on the floor and he had to step out of them. Lifting his shirt and pulling it off, Peter could see how badly Neal damaged his stomach and his hips. Neal's legs terrified him because he couldn't imagine the pain Neal felt upon making each and every one of those cuts. There were _so many_ cuts—crisscrossing, diagonal, horizontal, vertical… His cuts and scars went in every possible direction. He was also covered in band-aids and his skin was slightly red because some recent blood dried on his legs.

"Say something," Neal whispered fearfully. His eyes were welling up with tears again. In all of the scenarios he'd imagined, Peter's silence was definitely not in any of them. He wanted to know what Peter was thinking before he could get carried away and drowned by his own interpretation of the situation. "Peter, please say something." Peter's eyes were roaming over his skin and Neal couldn't figure out what he was thinking just by looking at him. Peter had a wonderful poker face, but Neal wanted some kind of response. At this point, Neal would have _welcomed_ Peter vomiting because that would have been better than absolute silence and a poker face.

Just as Neal was scrambling to collect his clothes and put them on, Peter made him stop, let Neal's clothes fall to the floor again, and he took Neal's hands in his own. Neal stared up at him and immediately thought Peter was going to assault him like he'd imagined in one of his scenarios. Instead, Peter surprised him by whispering, "I love you, Neal Caffrey…" Peter didn't break their eye contact, so Neal knew he was being sincere. That meant a lot to him considering how much he's tortured himself while thinking about how this moment could have gone. "I don't know if you'll answer, but how long have you been doing this?"

Neal swallowed as he whispered, "Three years." His tears began to escape again as he stared up at Peter miserably. "I can leave if you don't want to look at me ever again. I would completely understand." Peter shook his head and let go of Neal's right hand, lifting his left so he could wipe Neal's tears away. "Peter, don't make me stand here like this. Please just tell me to grab my things and leave."

Peter stared at him in silence before whispering, "What if I don't want you to leave?" He caressed Neal's cheek and Neal leaned into Peter's palm, closing his eyes. "I said I love you. I wasn't lying then and I'm not lying now." He kissed Neal's forehead and then rested his head against Neal's. "I want to understand. I want to know why you hurt yourself so much. You're such a beautiful man—internally and externally—and I think you're so smart, so funny, and so adorable. I don't understand why you would do this to yourself."

"Because I hate myself," Neal said brokenly as he opened his eyes and Peter pulled away so they could look at each other. "I have wanted to die since the first time I attempted suicide. I've attempted it several times since then." Peter nodded slowly, letting everything sink in as Neal continued to talk to him. "When I came out to my stepfather, I thought he would accept me and love me like he did when he thought I was straight. I was dating Matthew at the time and I thought about bringing him over when my parents were around so they could meet him." Neal cleared his throat and said, "I came out to him and he beat the shit out of me. I couldn't go to school for two weeks because he fucked me up so much."

Peter's poke face shattered as he stared at Neal in horror. "You never deserved to be treated like that—and especially not for telling him who you really are and what you love."

Neal shrugged and said, "I'm so used to being put down and treated like shit. I got to a point where I started treating myself the same way everyone else treats me so it didn't hurt as much."

The older man tentatively pulled Neal into a hug and whispered, "Treat yourself the way I treat you, honey." He kissed Neal's cheek and sighed quietly. "I'm so sorry for everything you've been through." Neal watched Peter take a step back without separating their hands. He looked at Neal's body and Neal could finally see how much all of this hurt Peter. Meeting Neal's gaze, Peter whispered, "I'll never treat you the way you were treated by your ex, your stepfather, or the kids you went to school with." Peter just realized that Neal gave him the name of his ex. Matthew. He could probably track this asshole down if he tried hard enough. "I love you and I don't… I don't want to let you leave unless you're not interested in being with me anymore."

"I want you more than I've ever wanted anything before," Neal said immediately. "And I rarely _want_ things…"

Smiling softly at the younger man, Peter whispered, "I want you just as much, Neal. There's no reason for you to ever run away. I… I'm admittedly afraid of hurting you. I didn't imagine it being this…severe." His smile fell when Neal nodded and looked down at his own legs. "How badly did I hurt you when I grabbed your leg earlier?"

Neal shrugged before whispering, "Pretty bad." He shifted his leg to show Peter how many band-aids were covering the area Peter grabbed and Peter's heart hurt. "I deserved it. Thinking I could keep this from you was incredibly stupid."

"No," Peter whispered. "It's completely human of you." He squeezed Neal's hands and waited for Neal to look at him again. "It's as human as me asking if you think you're capable of stopping." He tried to come off as gentle rather than forceful. He also didn't want to be demanding. If Neal couldn't stop immediately or soon, he was going to find ways to help Neal get away from this self-inflicted misery.

The younger man hesitated and then he whispered, "I love you. You make me so happy." Peter couldn't smile at that because he felt like a 'but' statement was coming. "You're also the reason I can stop from time to time. Lately, it's been difficult for me to resist cutting myself and it's not your fault."

Neal stopped speaking, so Peter decided to ask, "Who's been texting you such awful things?" Neal looked up at him in surprise and Peter added, "Your phone was on the couch when you went into the bathroom one night. It lit up and I saw something that didn't make me very happy." Neal began to blink back tears and Peter didn't want him to cry again. "Sweetheart, it's okay. We don't have to talk about this right now if you don't want to."

"That fucking asshole is trying to come back into my life again," Neal said angrily. "He thinks I'm incredibly stupid—and stupid enough to take him back just because he sends me pictures of his dick and says he 'loves' me." Peter's eyebrows rose to his hairline. How the hell had he missed those kinds of messages? "I haven't responded to him once, but he knows I've seen every message." Abruptly, Neal moved away from Peter. Peter was honestly shocked that Neal wasn't considering throwing his clothes back on. Instead, Neal went to the nightstand on his side of the bed, grabbed his phone, unlocked it, and brought it back to Peter, immediately handing it over to him. "Just read all of this, please."

Because Neal asked it of him, he did. He read so many terrible things that made him want to demand Neal give him a last name so he could find this asshole. Neal hadn't lied when he told Peter he didn't respond. This jackass was essentially talking to himself since Neal wasn't replying. He kept asking Neal to reply, kept asking Neal to kill himself, asked Neal for pictures of his face and dick, and repeatedly told Neal he loves him and wished Neal would kill himself to prove his love.

Something dawned on Peter then and his anger simmered slightly. Neal wasn't blocking this asshole and he was very capable of doing so. "Do you still have feelings for him?"

When Neal smacked the phone out of Peter's hands and let it fly across the room, Neal growled, "How could you possibly think I would love someone who wanted me to _die?_ " Peter swallowed hard. He'd really struck a nerve and he hadn't meant to. "You're a God damn hypocrite, _baby._ " Peter's eyes widened when he realized Neal must have seen something Damien sent him. He wasn't replying to Damien, but he realized he'd kept this from Neal, which was very capable of shattering Neal's trust. "He wanted to watch me kill myself. He would have gotten off on watching me hang in my closet. Would you love someone who wanted to jerk himself off as he watched you slip a noose around your neck and encouraged you to drop so it would strangle you to death?"

Peter didn't realize it was like that. Neal never mentioned that his ex was masturbating while Neal attempted suicide. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I… I didn't realize…"

"Do you still have feelings for Damien? You read his messages when he sends them to—Hell, I heard you on the phone with him at fucking midnight not too long ago, so don't you dare think you can criticize me."

"I hate him," Peter said fiercely. "He did things to me that make me hate him, Neal. I'm sorry for asking such a stupid question. It was wrong of me to ask you that considering I won't block my ex." Neal moved to grab his clothes now and Peter grabbed him, whispering, "Please don't. You know how I feel about you. You've shown me something you've never shown to anyone else and I—"

"Maybe it was wrong of me to trust you."

Peter looked so hurt by that and then he said, "I'm sorry. If I block Damien, will you block Matthew?" Neal's tension seemed to vanish immediately and he nodded. Pulling his phone out, Peter read one last asinine text message that Damien sent him before standing in such a way to show Neal his screen as he blocked Damien. "I won't delete any messages in case you ever want to question me. As a matter of fact…" Neal watched Peter remove the lock code on his phone and Neal stared up at him with wide eyes. "You're welcome to check my phone at any time. I love you and I want nothing to do with that jackass ever again. I'm not going to let him come between us and destroy us. He has no right to do so."

Neal was frozen as Peter moved to retrieve Neal's phone, bringing it back to him. He held the phone towards Neal and watched Neal take it from him. The second he unlocked his phone, he blocked Matthew as well. Glancing up at his boyfriend, he whispered, "I don't want to remove the lock for personal reasons, but my code is seven-three-eight-three-seven. I changed it when we got together because…because your name is my passcode." Peter stared at Neal in awe. "I love you, too. You can check my phone if you want to."

After several moments, Peter took Neal's phone and set both of their phones on the top of their dresser. "They're out of our lives for good now." He moved towards Neal, gently held his hips, and proceeded to kiss him lovingly. His heart skipped a beat when Neal's arms slid around his neck. Neal put his all into kissing Peter and Peter could tell. Neal was always sincere when they kissed. Upon separating, Peter whispered, "Is he the reason you've cut yourself so much lately?"

"Yes," Neal admitted. "You saw what he was saying to me. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to think I'd…" Peter nodded, understanding what Neal wasn't saying. "I hate him, Peter. You and I have been together for just over a month now and all you've done is treat me like royalty. Even though I feel like I don't deserve it, I—"

"You deserve nothing less," Peter said immediately. "I want to give you everything I possibly can, Neal. All I want is for you to be happy and I would love it if you were happy because of me." Neal looked at him in such a way that Peter knew he was capable of making Neal happy—that he does make Neal happy. "When I told you I look forward to marrying you, that was my way of telling you I am committed to you. Only you, Neal." Tears were welling up in Neal's eyes as he gave Peter a small smile. Neal's eyes conveyed to Peter how appreciative he is, how happy he is. Carefully, Peter slid his left hand over Neal's stomach. His fingers traced scars on Neal's skin and Neal was watching Peter touch him. "Only you," he whispered.

Neal couldn't help the fact that he was crying as he watched Peter slowly drop to his knees. Peter was looking at his scars, looking at his cuts, and he was gently gliding his fingers over the scars. He was avoiding any area that looked new and he definitely strayed from the band-aids because he knew how much he could hurt Neal by touching them. "I never thought anyone would love me when I began to scar myself," Neal said through his tears. "The more I did it, the more I believed I was slowly digging my own lonely grave." Peter looked up at Neal's face, rubbing his thumbs over Neal's bare thighs gently. "I felt better when I cut myself because I was miserable. Matthew and my stepfather tormented me, but I truly tortured myself. No one made me cut myself. I did all of this to myself."

"Will you try to stop now that you've blocked him on your phone?" Neal remained silent and Peter continued with, "I know things may not change overnight. I… I want to help you, Neal. You told me I stopped you when I wasn't aware of what you were doing to yourself. Now that I know, can I try to help you stop…permanently?"

The younger man nodded and sobbed. Peter rose to his feet and held Neal against him, rubbing his bare back. "I never thought anybody would care about me so much," he admitted. "I thought everyone wanted me to die, but you… You keep giving me a reason to stay alive."

Squeezing Neal gently, Peter hoped he was conveying his love to Neal. Neal pulled away and looked up at him, immediately flashing such a beautiful smile that made Peter's heart melt. All he wanted to do was spend his life with this man. In his opinion, a lesser man would have sent Neal away immediately upon seeing how much he'd scarred himself. But Peter… Peter couldn't bring himself to ask Neal to leave and never come back. Asking Neal to leave would kill him inside. As long as Neal stayed with him, he would do everything he possibly could to make Neal happy, to encourage Neal to refrain from hurting himself more.

Neal's smile is such a treasure to him and he never wanted anyone else to smuggle it away and hide it from the world. As long as Neal wanted him, Peter would make him smile. Peter would make him laugh. Peter would do everything within his power to make Neal feel cherished and strive to make Neal feel like he is the happiest man alive.

Both men simultaneously initiated a kiss after staring into each other's eyes and seeing the devotion there. Neal was putting so much trust in Peter while knowing Peter could turn on him at any point and destroy him without putting tremendous effort into doing so. For Neal, this was his biggest leap of faith. He'd never trusted anyone the way he trusts Peter. He let Peter see him as exposed as he possibly could be and Peter hadn't done anything Neal expected. He'd reacted _better_ than Neal anticipated.

As they continued to kiss each other passionately, all Neal wanted to do was give his love to Peter. If Peter could love him after seeing the physical evidence of his hatred for himself, Peter could love him for the rest of their lives—or so he hoped. While Neal thought it was wonderful to have someone love him unconditionally, Peter was considering the many ways he can show Neal he loves him without having to say a word. He never wanted Neal to doubt him for a second. After exposing himself, essentially wearing his heart on his sleeve with a neon sign attached to it, Peter never wanted to do anything to cause Neal pain.

They broke their kiss only when they were breathless, panting quietly. They breathed against each other and it felt so perfect. Neal stared into Peter's eyes and Peter's gaze never left Neal's. They could both see how much love the other man possessed and was willing to give.

Nuzzling his nose against Neal's, Peter whispered, "I want to keep you alive."


	8. Chapter 8

Another month went by since Neal revealed himself to Peter. Things were actually going fairly well. Peter only caught Neal cutting twice and Neal confessed to Peter that he'd done it once more. Since that third time, Peter started getting up with Neal to shower with him. Of course he'd asked for Neal's permission before doing so because he knows Neal is a virgin and assumed Neal hadn't exposed anyone to his entirely naked body. Much to his surprise, Neal actually welcomed him into the shower. If Peter wanted to be completely honest with himself, it seemed like Neal had gotten a lot happier since he joined Neal in the shower. That wasn't how he expected Neal to feel, but he wasn't going to complain. If he made Neal happy, he wasn't going to do anything to shatter that happiness.

"Did you ever shower like this with Damien?" Neal asked curiously as he glanced up at Peter. They'd been talking about their exes quite a bit, so he knew he could ask Peter questions as well as Peter knew he could ask Neal questions. From time to time, they had things they wondered about and waited for a decent time to bring their curiosity up.

Peter chuckled. "Do you think I ever felt like showering with him this way?" he asked as he slid his hands over Neal's stomach and kissed Neal's shoulder. He wasn't pushing for anything sexual and he didn't touch Neal sexually. All he's done in the shower is trace Neal's scars and occasionally kiss them. Neal thought Peter was overdoing it a little, but the last thing he wanted to do was tell Peter to stop giving him so much affection. "I loved him once, but he became someone I couldn't love for the rest of my life." Kissing Neal's neck, he added, "You've been someone I could love since the moment I met you. I think I know you well enough to know you won't turn into an asshole."

Neal smiled a little bit. He turned around and kissed his boyfriend, loving the way Peter's arms slid around him and held him close. "I never want to become that," he whispered. "I can promise you that I won't become that monster. I can promise you that I'm not going to cheat on you at any point either."

That struck a nerve within Peter, but it wasn't Neal's fault and he wasn't going to make Neal feel bad for bringing that up. Neal knew how much Damien hurt him by cheating, so it wasn't his intention to bring it up and cause more pain. "I believe that," Peter said softly. "You don't seem like the cheating type."

"I didn't cheat on Matthew even though I had so many reasons to." Peter nodded because he understood that. He had many reasons to cheat on Damien as well, yet he hadn't done that. "I didn't love him at all. I didn't know how love felt until I began to fall in love with you. Even though I was with Matthew before you, you're the first man I've loved."

"If I don't fuck things up, I hope I'll be the last man you love." Neal's brows furrowed as he stared at Peter. He didn't know why Peter assumed he'd make a mess of things. "If I ever do something that makes you feel like cutting yourself, please just tell me, okay? No matter what I do or say, I love you so much."

Neal still didn't understand. "Why do you think you'll fuck things up?" Peter shrugged and Neal watched him look away. There wasn't a whole lot to look at in the shower, so Neal knew something was bothering him. "Hey," he whispered, caressing Peter's cheek the way Peter always caressed his. "You're wonderful, Peter. You make me so happy—and I hope I make you just as happy." Peter shrugged and Neal's heart felt like it was clenching tightly in his chest. "What happened?"

Again, Peter shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

The younger man looked so hurt as he watched Peter suffer in silence. "Yes, it does," Neal said sincerely. "It hurts you, so it matters."

Sighing, Peter whispered, "The one time I mentioned how I wanted a family in the future, he told me he didn't feel the same way and that was when he began his cheating streak." Neal looked so sympathetic when Peter looked at him again. "I don't want to say something that makes you want to cheat on me."

"I can't think of a single thing you could say that would make me _want_ to cheat on you, Peter. If we're being completely honest right now, I'd like to start a family someday, too." Peter stared into his eyes and Neal didn't break eye contact with him. He wanted Peter to know he meant this. "Assuming you stay with me, I'd prefer to start a family with you, Peter. When I look at you, I see daddy material."

Peter chuckled and whispered, "Really?"

"Look at the way you've been with me since I moved in here with you. When I showed you Mozzie, you didn't laugh at me or ridicule me. You told me recently that you think I'm adorkable when I show you just how much Mozzie means to me." Peter snickered a bit at Neal's word choice and Neal smiled at him. "If you can love a child the way you love me and Mozzie, I know you'll be a good father. Sometimes, I know you treat Mozzie like he's your baby."

"How do you know that?"

Softening his smile, Neal whispered, "Because I've seen you hold him against you. I've seen you look at him lovingly. I've seen you treat him as though he were real. If you're like that with a teddy bear, I can only imagine how sweet and loving you would be to a child of your own."

Peter kissed Neal's forehead. "I love Mozzie. He may be a teddy bear, but he's your teddy bear and he's been there since you were just a little boy." He lifted his left hand and stroked Neal's wet hair. "Maybe we can have a little boy of our own that Mozzie can love as much as he loves you."

Neal loved this about Peter. Not only did Peter treat him wonderfully when they spoke about the teddy bear, but Peter indulged him and engaged in a conversation with him as though Mozzie were alive. "If we have a little boy together, I'd be happy to pass Mozzie onto him. I always thought about having a little boy when I got older and could afford to go through with the adoption process."

"Oh, thank God." Neal's brows furrowed as he stared up at Peter. "I'm so glad you said you wanted to adopt. I know it'd be wonderful to have a child through surrogacy, but—"

"There are so many children put up for adoption," Neal whispered. "If I could adopt them all, I certainly would. Those children deserve to be loved. Like you said, it would be wonderful to have a baby genetically related to one of us, but I think adopting would be a much better choice."

Peter was so awed by Neal in that moment. He was seeing a side of Neal that he knew Neal suppressed. Obviously, Matthew never put these thoughts into Neal's head. Matthew probably squashed those thoughts before Neal could even consider them. "I think I just fell in love with you harder." Neal blushed and Peter kissed him sweetly. "You're such a beautiful man, Neal." What made Peter considerably happy is that Neal was thinking about adopting a child with him, which meant Neal was making plans for a future—wanted to have a future. Perhaps this was incentive enough to make Neal stop considering suicide.

"I was with Matthew so much longer than you and I have been together and we never once thought about having children together. You and I have been with each other romantically for two months and we're already discussing things we want to do in the future. First, you said you look forward to marrying me. Now you're telling me you want to have a baby with me."

"I would be so honored if you married me and started a family with me." He thought it was amazing how he and Neal could talk about this so easily. Damien and Matthew were not father material and neither of them really wanted to have a child in the future. He and Neal were completely different in comparison to their exes. What was even better is that he and Neal could talk about this in the shower while they're both naked. They were exposing themselves physically to each other and were now exposing their thoughts just the same. "God. Neal, you're incredible."

Neal kept blushing and, upon glancing down for a split second, Peter could see that Neal was getting an erection. He knew Neal tried so hard to keep himself from having an erection while they were naked together and he didn't really know why. He didn't try to hide his own erection at all. He just let it happen. Then again, Neal's a virgin, so he probably feels embarrassed. "You're the incredible one," Neal whispered. Peter glanced down again and saw that Neal's erection was slowly becoming flaccid. Again, Neal was trying to stop himself before he was fully erect.

"Can I ask why you won't let yourself have an erection with me when we're in here together?" Neal's blush wasn't a result of Peter complimenting him now. He was blushing harder and actually turned around to grab some soap. Peter rolled his eyes as Neal obviously avoided the subject. "You and I are both men, Neal. Look at me." He knew Neal hadn't looked down at him yet, which was surprising all in itself because he thought Neal would be at least a little curious. "Hey, honey. Are you o—?" "I'm still not ready for sex. I don't want you to think I am," Neal said quickly. Peter stared at his boyfriend's back for a few moments before kissing the back of his head. "Neal, it's a natural side effect of being a man. If you really want to be embarrassed, let me tell you that you more than likely had erections when you were younger—like, as a baby and toddler."

"That's not true."

"God damn." Peter hadn't meant to say that aloud, but he said it nonetheless. He didn't realize how sexually naïve Neal is. He wasn't going to put Neal down for it, but damn. Neal turned slightly and looked hurt. "Sorry. That wasn't really appropriate for me to say. However, I'm not lying about the erections you had when you were younger. They're just part of being male, Neal."

"You think I'm incredibly stupid, don't you?" Peter's brows furrowed. "You know, I was never taught anything about sex. The schools I went to were probably supposed to teach us, but they didn't. My stepfather definitely wasn't going to talk to me about sex and I really doubt my mom would feel comfortable talking to me about it."

Peter shook his head and said, "I don't think you're stupid. There was a time when I didn't know any of this either." Granted, that was when he was a pre-teen, but he was trying to make Neal feel a little better. "If I have to teach you about sex, I really don't mind, Neal."

Neal turned away again and muttered, "Why would you want to have sex with a virgin?"

He thought about commenting on how he and Damien were both virgins once, but he decided going that route wouldn't be fun. Damien hadn't made his first experience with sex a very good one—either time. The first time he fucked Damien, he didn't feel an emotional connection to Damien. The first time Damien fucked him, it'd been rape. He was Neal's age the first time he was raped by Damien. "Well, you have to lose your virginity at some point. At least you know I have no intention of hurting you."

They finished their shower and got out together without saying another word to each other. Peter kept glancing at Neal from time to time, but Neal wasn't looking at him. He didn't say anything until they were in their bedroom. "I really have no idea what sex entails, Peter. I obviously know how it works. I just…don't know how things…" He trailed off and Peter knew he felt embarrassed again. "I know your penis goes inside of my ass, but I have no idea what it'll be like. I have no clue when it comes to this. What position am I supposed to be in for you? What am I supposed to do to please you? What am I—?"

"You can choose the position and you please me just by breathing," Peter interjected. "There's no need to get yourself all worked up right now, lover. I want your first time to be better than mine."

Neal looked at him and asked, "Damien didn't make it good for you?"

Peter frowned. He really didn't want to admit to the fact that he willingly let Damien rape him for six years. He wanted to help Neal work through his own issues and concerns before dropping this bombshell on Neal. "It was terrible. I don't want to talk about it right now, but I promise I'll tell you about it someday." He knew he could trust Neal and he wanted to tell Neal. Now just wasn't the right time to tell his virgin boyfriend about how awful it felt when Damien was inside of him. "I'm going to do whatever I can to make it good for you. You deserve to be treated like the prince you are." He'd made it good for Damien and Damien eventually told him that, but Damien just wrecked the mood the very first time they had sex. The way Damien spoke to him nearly made him go flaccid while he was inside of Damien.

It made Peter angry to think about how long he stayed with someone who definitely doesn't deserve the love he gave willingly. When he fucked Damien, he'd once considered it making love to Damien. That lasted about five minutes into their sex before Damien was saying things about being Peter's whore, his slut, his cumhole, and a bunch of other ridiculous, vulgar things that Peter didn't appreciate. Damien eventually turned out to be a whore or a slut, but that wasn't the point. Peter didn't appreciate that Damien ruined lovemaking for him. After that started, it'd just been fucking, which eventually evolved into rape when Damien got tired of being the one getting fucked.

"Peter, don't think about him. I'm sorry for how he treated you, but don't let him hurt you anymore." He didn't know what happened and he didn't want to make assumptions. Damien is a bastard, but Neal would've thought that Damien treated Peter better. He stopped considering that when he realized he'd walked in on them having sex—awful sex. The sounds Peter made were sickening. Damien let it be known that he doesn't love Peter just by treating him so terribly in bed. "I know you'll do the best you can."

Peter was still fuming in silence and he was trying so hard to avoid snapping at Neal. This wasn't Neal's fault by any means and Neal didn't deserve to be yelled at for something he didn't know about. Peter felt like going to Damien's apartment just so he could beat the shit out of him, and then he'd turn Damien in to the police. He realized they'd stopped looking for him very soon after Damien last raped him and that pissed him off. They didn't realize they were letting a rapist roam around freely just because they thought he'd only physically assaulted his boyfriend and because they apparently had more important people to go after.

Neal was staring up at his boyfriend concernedly. Whatever Damien did to Peter hurt him immensely and Neal could see that very clearly. As he opened his mouth to tell Peter everything was going to be okay, Peter let out a sound of fury and punched the wall right beside Neal's head. Neal was honestly afraid to move and he just stared at Peter with wide eyes. The first thing he heard from Peter sounded like: "I fucking hate you." Neal didn't know how to take that and he wasn't entirely sure if that was directed at him. For all he knew, Peter was remembering what Damien did to him and said aloud that he hates Damien.

When Peter blinked a few times, he looked at Neal and saw the fear in his eyes. He'd seen red for a moment and didn't understand why Neal was looking at him like that. Then he realized his fist was embedded into the wall right beside Neal's head. He gasped and pulled back. "You didn't hit me," Neal assured him quickly. He was breathing frantically and Peter felt awful for doing that to Neal. He knew Neal had been abused, so he really loathed himself for nearly hitting the younger man. "I'm so sorry, Peter."

"Why the hell are you sorry?" He hadn't meant to snap at Neal, but he did and he made Neal flinch. Groaning, Peter said, "I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. I'm so pissed off when I think about Damien and I should control myself when I'm with you because you've done nothing wrong."

"Well, that's a relief," Neal said, laughing nervously. Peter gave him a questioning look. "You said you hate—"

Peter's eyes widened and he hurriedly said, "That wasn't directed at you. I don't hate you. I hate him." Neal gave him a small smile and Peter was glad Neal realized it wasn't a statement meant for him. "I'm so sorry for coming this close to hurting you. Please don't ever think I'm angry with you or that I hate you. If I have an outburst like that again, you did nothing wrong."

Neal nodded and glanced at Peter's right hand. "You're bleeding."

Upon realizing that, Peter accidentally joked, "I hope we have enough band-aids for that." He saw Neal tense up without having to look at him. Shutting his eyes tightly, Peter cursed himself. Well, Neal forgave him for nearly punching him. He didn't think Neal would forgive him for teasing about the band-aid situation. He felt like an asshole and would totally agree if Neal called him one.

He knew Neal wanted to say something and he would've welcomed whatever Neal wanted to yell at him because he knew his joke was insensitive and he hadn't thought it through beforehand. Neal just proceeded to storm out of the bedroom and left Peter alone.

Peter was beginning to assume Neal wasn't going to come back until he opened his eyes and realized Neal was standing in front of him. He watched Neal take his hand and take care of him. "I'm pissed, but I love you," Neal muttered. Peter nodded and just let Neal go about cleaning him up and wrapping his knuckles gently. "I'll let you off the hook this time, but I swear I won't hold back the next time you make a joke like that. It wasn't funny at all."

"I know. I realized that as soon as I said it and I'm so sorry." Neal waved it off before setting aside the washcloth he'd brought into their room and gave him a kiss. He felt grateful to have such an understanding and patient boyfriend. "I love you, Neal."

"I love you, too, Peter," Neal said almost instantly. "I'm not going to hate you for that. I'll get pissed, but I'm not going to hate you because of a stupid comment."

Peter nodded, knowing how true that was. Neal isn't a very hateful kind of man. He has every right to hate Matthew, but, aside from him, Neal doesn't hate anyone specifically. "Thank you for not hating me, sweetheart."

Neal smiled a little and said, "Don't be an ass next time and you won't have to thank me for that."

They finally dressed themselves, but Peter was always surprised when Neal just pulled a shirt and boxers on before getting onto their bed to relax. He felt so comfortable with Peter now and Peter liked that. He doesn't like Neal's scars or the healing cuts, but it was nice to know Neal didn't feel like he had to hide his body anymore.

Peter chose to forgo putting a shirt on, only pulling on his boxers, and joined Neal on their bed, lying on his stomach beside Neal's outstretched legs. "Hey, gorgeous," he whispered sweetly, smiling up at Neal.

Tentatively, Neal nudged Peter with his knee. He was being careful so he didn't hurt himself and Peter understood. "Hi, handsome." Peter outstretched his hand and Neal didn't hesitate to take it and intertwine their fingers. "Going back to the conversation we were having in the shower, can I ask you something?" Peter wanted to tell him no, but he nodded anyway. "How many kids do you want to have with me? Like, I just started thinking about how many little ones we could have running around in here, but I want to see what you think."

That wasn't the question Peter thought Neal was going to ask, but he certainly liked this question more. "Definitely not one," Peter said. He teased Neal and added, "We don't need another only child in the apartment." Neal gave him a wry smile and kicked Peter's hip gently. "I think two would be good. We don't need a whole host of children even though I wish I could adopt all of them just like you do. Fortunately, there are straight couples who can't conceive together and would love to adopt some of those children."

"Straight couples are the ones who gave them up in the first place," Neal said bitterly. Peter realized this meant something else to Neal and he was curious. "I knew someone who was in foster care because his straight parents gave him up. I don't know what ever happened to him, but he always sounded suicidal."

Peter nodded and said, "Well, let's hope things are going well for him. Suicidal people can have their minds changed if they're given the right reasons." Neal's expression softened and he smiled at the older man. "That's what I love to see," Peter whispered as he squeezed Neal's hand gently. Neal blushed and looked away, so Peter decided to play with him a little. "Oh, come on. Don't take that beautiful smile away from me!" He sounded so dramatic and Neal giggled. He actually _giggled._ Peter stared up at him in awe. "Oh, my fucking God. That was adorable. Do it again."

"What?" Neal asked as he chuckled a little.

"You giggled. Can you please do it again?"

Neal raised an eyebrow and said, "I don't think I can giggle on command."

"Oh? We'll see about that." Neal's brows furrowed as he watched Peter move quickly and begin to tickle him. He started laughing and writhing around as Peter's fingers moved all over his sides and stomach. Neal hadn't felt like this since he was a little boy. He could remember his dad tickling him just like Peter was and he instantly fell back into that memory. He figured he had to be at least four years old since he and his mother left when he was five and a half. He'd giggled for his father then and he was giggling for his boyfriend now.

The sound made Peter incredibly happy. He tickled Neal until Neal started to cry and then he let up. He'd gotten quite a few giggles out of the younger man to satisfy him for the moment. Neal was breathless as he laid on his back, staring up at Peter. He was smiling and blinking his tears away.

Peter could see that he sparked some deep happiness within the younger man and it made him wonder what he'd made Neal think about. "Thank you," Neal whispered breathlessly as he reached up to stroke Peter's jaw.

"Oh, sweetheart… There's no need to thank me. Your giggles were thanks enough." He couldn't take his eyes off of Neal and Neal wouldn't look away either. "Did I bring back some nice memory?" Neal nodded and Peter gave him a small smile. "Is it okay if I ask what was going on?"

"It was before my mom and I ran away. My dad was playing with me in the living room. I'd been sitting on the floor and playing with my toy soldiers that I was given for my birthday." Peter smiled and laid on his side beside Neal. He took Neal's hand and loved the way Neal instantly intertwined their fingers. "I'm an only child, so I didn't have a brother or sister to play with. It was kind of lonely and I think he noticed, so… He came into the living room and told me that the tickle monster was coming."

Peter grinned. "That's adorable."

Neal closed his eyes and Peter just watched him continue to smile. "He tickled me on the floor, then put me on the couch and tickled me some more. What I remember most vividly is him holding me in his arms next while tickling me. I remember thinking he was going to drop me, but it was so much fun." Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal's skin and just watched his lover in silence. "I loved being held by him." When Neal opened his eyes, he looked at his boyfriend and said, "You hold me the way he did before. Maybe that's why I feel so comfortable when I'm in your arms."

"I love holding you, so I'm more than happy to open my arms up for you at any given moment." Neal twisted a little and laid on his side in front of Peter, scooting a bit to kiss him. "I don't want to ruin the moment, but can I ask you something?" Neal didn't hesitate to nod. "You told me he loved you immensely even though he was hurting your mom. Do you ever miss him?"

"Of course," Neal whispered. "The last time I saw him, he kissed me good night and knew my mom was going to tuck me in. He was kind of drunk, I think, so mom and I left that night. I haven't seen him since." Peter nodded and Neal sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if he ever wanted to get in touch with me—if he ever wanted to get to know me. I walked back there once and he wasn't living there anymore, so I don't know where he went. I'm going to be twenty-one soon, so it's been almost sixteen years since the last time I saw him."

Peter asked quietly, "Do you want to see him again?"

Neal shrugged. "It honestly doesn't matter. He probably has a new wife—maybe even a new family. I mean, sure, it'd be nice to know where his life went after his wife and only child ran away, but I highly doubt he'll want to see me again. Mom contacted him once and told him I was the reason she ran away. She told him that I loved her and didn't want to see her get hurt anymore." Neal frowned and whispered, "He kept trying and trying to call her, but she never picked up. After two years, he stopped calling."

"I have a friend who could find him for you if you ever want to see him again," Peter offered. He made a friend with someone he met in his first couple of semesters in college and they were still good friends even though he went on to graduate school for his photography and their paths changed entirely. "She and I took art classes together before I decided I was definitely going to specialize in photography. She, however, was determined to join the FBI."

Neal's eyes bugged out as he said, "Holy shit. You have a friend in the FBI?"

Chuckling, Peter nodded. "Yeah. She's pretty great. We still keep in touch from time to time and I could probably introduce you to her eventually. She was given a spot in a New York office after spending time in DC." Neal looked really impressed and Peter realized it'd been at least a year since the last time he spoke to her. "Her name's Diana—and she's a lesbian. Because she and I were both in homosexual relationships when we met and we were taking the same classes, we instantly clicked."

"That sounds really nice," Neal said. "I think I'd like to meet her."

"She'd like to meet you, too," Peter replied moments later. "She met Damien and told me flat out—in front of him, mind you—that she hates him. She really didn't like the way he treated me, so I'd love to introduce her to you just to show her that I actually do have good taste in men."

"You think I'm a good taste?"

Peter smirked at him and whispered, "I don't know yet, but I'm pretty sure you are." He shook himself out of that, realizing he'd made a sexual comment to Neal. When Neal winked at him, he realized Neal meant for it to come off that way. "Wow. Mister 'Need to Hide My Erection' said something provocative." Neal blushed and grinned at him. "Your skin tastes good, so I can only imagine the rest of you will as well."

"You're making me want to beg you to fuck me."

Raising an eyebrow, Peter said, "Really?"

Neal nodded and said, "I've never been so turned on before."

"Yeah, but that's because you constantly force your erection to fuck off," Peter said with a small laugh. Neal chuckled. "Neal, if you get hard, it's natural. I'm not going to complain. You have yet to complain about me."

"I haven't looked at you."

"Oh, come on. How have you not taken at least one look?"

Neal blushed harder and said, "I'm the biggest virgin of all time. Seeing Matthew for the first time was traumatizing in more ways than one." Neal glanced down towards Peter's groin, but Peter's boxers were on. "I mean, I kind of want to look at you, but I didn't think I'd be allowed to." Peter just stared at him in silence and Neal bit his lip. "I'm sorry. I'm really not good at this relationship thing…"

Peter asked, "Do you want to take your first look?" Neal was biting his lip again and Peter reached out to pull his lip away from his teeth. "You don't have to be so afraid to ask. I've seen you and I think you're gorgeous."

Neal's eyes drifted over to Peter's lower half again, Peter was watching him, waiting for some kind of answer. He wasn't going to do anything unless Neal asked him to. "You really don't mind…showing me?"

The older man shrugged. "I feel comfortable being naked around you. If you'd let your virgin eyes lose their little flowers, I'd be more than happy to walk around naked all the time." Neal rolled his eyes and Peter grinned. "Want me to get undressed?" Neal hesitated and then he nodded eagerly, looking up at Peter's face. Peter wasn't sure if he should think this was sad or funny. He still went through with it though and shifted around until he'd removed his boxers. Neal's eyes were still on his face and Peter said, "Hon, you can look if you want to."

Slowly, Neal shifted his gaze and he actually looked. Peter took a little thrill in the way Neal's jaw dropped and his eyes widened a little. "Holy shit. You're huge." Peter rolled his eyes. "You're really hard, too." Peter watched Neal sit up a bit and he was curious, waiting to see what Neal was going to do. "You don't have any STDs or other things, right?"

"Surprisingly, I don't. Considering how much of a whore Damien is, I don't know how I didn't get anything from him, but I guess I'm lucky." Neal nodded and Peter watched as Neal lifted his hand and tentatively reached out to touch him. Peter had to refrain from moaning when Neal's fingers wrapped around his length. Neal's face was full of fascination and curiosity, which meant Peter still felt conflicted about how he should feel about all of this.

"Can I…?"

"Can you what?"

Neal swallowed hard and whispered, "Can I give you a blowjob?"

Peter shook his head. "No. I don't want you to force yourself into doing that just yet. You've never done it before either, so…" Neal frowned at him and Peter had to set his jaw firmly when Neal's fingers tightened and loosened around his length alternatively. "Don't do that if you're not going to finish what you've started."

"I want to give you a blowjob." Peter shook his head again and knew he was frustrating Neal. "I don't think a handjob will satisfy you. You're hard and I want to… I want to see you come."

Raising an eyebrow, Peter teased, "I'm surprised you know what come is." Neal glared at him and squeezed him really hard. Peter made a quiet sound and said, "Okay, okay. Got your message loud and clear, my love." Neal's expression softened and Peter went on to say, "You'd be surprised by how easy it'd be to come if you just touch me with your hand. I've imagined how it'd feel to have your hand on my skin and I can tell you right now that this feels a hell of a lot better than I imagined it would."

Neal began to move his hand as he stroked the older man's length. Peter shuddered when Neal ran his thumb over the slit. "I could blow you. It can't be that hard."

"Ugh," Peter groaned. "Neal, stop." Neal removed his hand and the way he was sitting now, on his knees with his hands in his lap and his head bowed, made Peter sick. "I'm not him. I'm not with you for sexual purposes. I'm with you because I want to spend my life with you." He sat up straighter and made Neal at least move his hands out of his lap. "You're not a slave. Don't sit like that," he snapped, startling Neal. Neal hadn't realized he was sitting in a way that offended Peter. "Did he make you sit like that when you did something that made him unhappy?" Neal hesitated and then he nodded. It was something he did so much with Matthew and it was engrained into him now. "Honey, you're with me. There is absolutely no reason for you to ever submit yourself to me."

"But you—"

"I can top and I can bottom. I'm not solely a top, Neal." Neal swallowed again and Peter decided to tone down his own hostility. "I'm your boyfriend. I don't want someone who will get on his knees and bow to me as though I'm his master."

"I'm sorry," Neal whispered, closing his eyes. "Matthew really fucked me up…"

Peter shook his head and leaned forward, kissing Neal's cheek. "You're not fucked up. If anyone's fucked up, it's him. He made you act a certain way and I wish I could beat the shit out of him for doing this to you." Neal met Peter's gaze and Peter could see how surprised Neal was. "I don't like anyone who hurts you. He hurt you so much and I wish I could meet him so I could punch him, break his nose, and maybe even knock a few teeth out in the process."

Neal made a quiet sound and looked away. "That's not you," he whispered. "You're not that kind of man, Peter. Don't turn into Damien." Peter's jaw dropped at the comparison. "He beat you up. Matthew isn't even worth your time."

"I wouldn't beat him up just because he screamed the wrong name in bed or did something disappointing. I'd beat him up for causing you so much grief, for torturing you, for almost killing you. He manipulated you and you nearly killed yourself. He's responsible for that—for your suicide attempts and the cuts on your body." Neal looked at Peter, wishing he could show Peter just how much he appreciates Peter's words. "He hurt you so much and I hate anyone who hurts you. You are the sweetest man I know, Neal, and I don't even know how that's possible considering you've been treated horribly and went through some really rough times."

Breathing shakily, Neal whispered, "If we ever see him, I call the first punch." Peter looked a little stunned and then he was amused. "After that, he's all yours. I just want to hit the asshole once."

Peter scoffed. "He's lucky you're a wonderful man because I won't be nearly as merciful."

Neal decided the conversation needed to end there. He didn't like talking about Matthew and he really didn't like hearing Peter sound so angry and resentful. Granted, he admired it at the same time, but he didn't want Peter to become someone abusive.

Much to Peter's surprise, Neal began to remove his own boxers. Peter's brows furrowed as he watched Neal toss them aside and then shift so that he was hovering over Peter. "I'm incredibly lucky to have you in my life, Peter Burke."

Peter gasped when Neal laid down on top of him, pressing their naked bodies together. He wasn't going to complain because it felt so good, but he wasn't expecting this. A moan even managed to escape his lips as Neal began to rub himself against Peter. "Jesus, Neal…" Neal stopped and just laid his head beside Peter's, closing his eyes. Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and gently stroked Neal's bare back. "I promise I will make your first time good when you're ready. You deserve nothing but the best, Neal."

"For my twenty-first birthday," he whispered against Peter, "I want to lose my virginity."

Peter hesitated and thought about it for a few moments. If that's what Neal wants, he only had a few months to teach Neal whatever Neal wants or needs to know. "I… I guess that's reasonable," he said quietly. "We'll get you comfortable with all of this in the next few—"

"No," Neal said instantly. "You didn't have training before having sex for the first time. When we have sex, just have sex with me. You just fuck me and I'll adapt."

After a few moments, Peter said, "I'm going to make love to you on your birthday—and every time thereafter. I want this to be passionate. You're not just a nice piece of ass." He felt Neal smile against him. "I love you. We'll do this the right way. I'm not going to fuck you. I'm going to make love to you."

"That sounds much better," Neal murmured, pressing a gentle kiss against Peter's neck. "And I can't wait."


	9. Chapter 9

Peter decided to do some shopping early. He was letting Neal sleep because Neal was exhausted after coming home following his visit with his mother. Peter hadn't asked questions and Neal didn't offer an explanation. As soon as Neal had come home in tears, Peter was worried. The only thing that relieved him was that, rather than locking himself in the bathroom, he went right to the couch, laid down, and buried his face against Peter's stomach while clutching Peter's arm. Peter had no idea what was wrong, but Neal did come to him for comfort, so that was nice. He'd wanted to go with Neal to see his mother, but Neal said he wanted to tell her about their relationship first, so he let Neal do as Neal wanted without questioning him. It unnerved him a little to realize Neal went to talk to his mother about their relationship and returned home in tears, but he figured Neal would open up about what happened eventually.

He made sure he turned up the volume on his phone in case Neal needed to get in touch with him before he got home. His biggest concern was that Neal may harm himself since he's alone. It would be the perfect opportunity. However, he didn't tell Neal where he'd hidden the band-aids. He didn't even say he kept them.

With the progress Neal's made lately, Peter was still proud of him. It would take time for Neal to get through this, but he'd be there to support Neal through it all. They'd been in the shower recently and Neal hadn't been feeling very well emotionally, so Neal got in with Peter and Peter was surprised when Neal went straight for his razor. Gripping Neal's hand gently stopped him and reminded him that he wasn't alone anymore. It was slow progress, but it was better than no progress. Neal wants to try and that was important. If Neal didn't want to try, things would be a lot harder.

As he went down an aisle full of snacks, he smiled a little and picked up a few tins of Pringles—the pizza flavored kind. Those were Neal's favorite and he wanted to do some little things for Neal because he knew little things went a long way with the younger man. He went about getting them the usual foods they ate for dinner and seemed to enjoy, some ice cream, and then found himself surrounded by a plethora of artificial flowers.

After nearly three months of being together, he'd figured out what Neal's favorite kind of flower was. While he figured buying a real bouquet of flowers would be nice, buying an artificial bouquet would probably last longer. Neal loves daisies. He didn't know why, but he admitted that he always loved them. After working to extract a few more details from Neal, they both figured that Neal loved them because they were flowers his mother planted with him when he was young. Daisies represent loyal love, beauty, and innocence—among other things, but Peter figured those three representations said enough about Neal.

"Peter Burke?" Peter perked up a bit when he heard the voice that called him out. "Oh, no way! It's been a few years since I last saw the likes of you."

Turning around, Peter grinned at an old friend from college. They'd gone on to college together until about three years ago and then he'd dropped out while Peter continued on. "Well, hello there, stranger. It's definitely been a while."

Chuckling, the man glanced at the flowers Peter was eyeing prior to him interrupting Peter's thought process. "Damien likes daisies? Huh, never would've seen a guy like him interested in such a girly flower." Peter grimaced and the man swiftly apologized. "Sorry, sorry. I'm glad you guys are still together and that you're still the romantic sop you were back in college."

"These actually aren't for…Damien." The man looked surprised and Peter shrugged. "Damien wasn't the guy for me. I met someone else a few months ago and we've been together for three months now." Peter smiled to himself a bit as he glanced at the daisies before meeting his friend's gaze. "And don't be an ass about the flowers. My new boyfriend is such a sweetheart. We've only been together for three months, but I know he's the one."

Raising an eyebrow, the man said, "Really? You were with Damien for years. I thought he was the one for you." Peter shook his head and the man made another sound of surprise. "I had an ex who liked daisies. He was kind of a pushover, but I got him a couple when we got together. I've really been missing him lately."

"Why'd you break it off if you miss him so badly?"

Rolling his eyes, the man said, "His mommy didn't like me very much and he broke up with me because he's a momma's boy." Peter made a face and the man chuckled. "He was nice though and did things I asked of him. I just wish I'd gotten to bed him before he left me for good." Shaking his head, he added, "I honestly never expected him to leave me."

Peter looked a little sympathetic, but he really wasn't at the same time. This man kind of sounded like Damien to him and Damien was the furthest thing from being a good lover. "The good ones tend to get away sometimes, I suppose."

"I wouldn't call him good. He was a little psychotic and emotionally fucked up." Shuddering, he added, "Maybe he would've been good in bed, but that would've been his only redeeming quality."

This conversation was beginning to disgust Peter. Fortunately, his phone went off before he had to continue the conversation. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he glanced at it and saw Neal's beautiful face. "Boyfriend's calling. Hang on a sec." The man nodded as Peter answered with, "Good morning, sweetheart. I thought you'd be asleep a little longer."

Neal chuckled quietly. " _I've been awake since you left. I woke up as soon as you got out of bed, but I know you tried really hard to let me sleep._ " Peter smiled as he listened to the most soothing voice he'd ever heard before. " _Did you go to the store?_ "

"Yeah. I went to the small store a few blocks away. I'm just picking up a few things and then I'll come home." Neal made a sound of pain and Peter whispered, "Are you okay?"

He heard Neal let out a shaky breath and was instantly concerned. " _I'm okay. I ripped one of the band-aids off and it hurt because I left it on when I got into bed with you last night._ "

"Shit. I'm sorry, sweetheart. There's… There's more in the cabinet behind the cups." Neal made a sound of acknowledgement and Peter felt the need to add, "There aren't many, so don't get any ideas, okay?"

Neal groaned and said, " _Peter, thank you for worrying about me, but I promise I'm not going to cut myself. I'm really trying to stop._ "

The man in front of Peter glanced at his watch and said, "I've got to go, Peter, but it was nice seeing you again."

Neal gasped and practically screamed, " _Who the hell are you with?_ "

Peter held up his hand to ask the man to wait a moment. "I'm with an old friend, honey. He and I went to college together for a few years." He could hear Neal crying and urgently asked, "Honey, what's wrong? If you think I'm seeing another guy, I'm not. I promise." Neal just kept crying and it was breaking Peter's heart. "I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong, lover."

" _He's your_ friend?" Neal asked accusingly. " _How could you fucking do this to me?_ " Peter was so confused as he listened to Neal on the other end. " _I trusted you!_ "

"Honey. Honey, relax. Tell me what's going on? What did I do?"

Neal made such a tortured sound that nearly killed Peter inside. " _Peter, that's him. That's Matthew._ " Peter's jaw dropped and he glanced at the other man standing in front of him.

Peter threw his phone down and grabbed the other man, snarling, "You're Neal's ex? You're the Matthew he was with?" The man raised an eyebrow, wondering what Peter was going on about. "You're the one who wanted to watch him die?"

"Holy shit. You're dating my leftovers?" Matthew asked incredulously. "Dude, the bro code is still in effect even though we haven't seen each other in a few years."

The fact that he knew Neal's ex-boyfriend made him feel awful, but he couldn't believe he'd never known what kind of man Matthew was. He never knew the man in front of him would be the one to ask an underage boy to kill himself while he masturbated. "How could you do that to him?" Peter growled. "He was just a kid! You sick fuck! How could you jack off to him trying to asphyxiate himself?"

He threw Matthew down onto the ground and began to punch him—in the face, the gut, pretty much anywhere he could possibly hurt the other man. Part of him was grateful for the fact that it was very early in the morning, so there weren't very many people around to witness him beating the shit out of the man who would've been responsible for Neal's death if Neal had been able to hang himself successfully three years ago.

Vaguely, Peter could hear Neal screaming his name through the phone, but he was too focused on making this monster suffer. He didn't want to let Matthew walk out of this store unscathed after everything he'd put Neal through. He conditioned Neal to make Neal act like a slave and Neal eventually listened to every word Matthew ever said to him because he didn't know any better, which nearly led to Neal's assisted suicide since Matthew encouraged it and was willing to watch.

Before Peter knew what was happening, he was on his back with someone on top of him weighing him down. The weight above him was trembling and whispering, "Stop. Stop. Please stop." Peter exhaled and wrapped his arms around the man above him. He sounded out of breath and Peter felt bad because he knew he'd just made Neal run about three blocks rather quickly so he could stop him.

Peter slid his hand up and down Neal's back, whispering, "I'm so sorry for scaring you." He was definitely not going to apologize for anything he'd just done to Matthew, but he was apologetic because he made Neal run here and he'd upset Neal while on the phone. "I'm done. I'm calm. It's okay, Neal."

Neal got off of him and glanced at Matthew, There was so much blood on the floor and Matthew was unconscious. "We need to call for an ambulance."

"Let the fucker bleed to death," Peter snapped. "After what he did to you, why would you want to save him?"

"Because we're all human beings!" Neal screamed at him. "He hurt me, but he's still a human being." Peter didn't understand why Neal was acting like this as Neal frantically called for an ambulance. He was on his knees beside Peter, holding his hand as he described the state Matthew was in. He gave his number to the woman on the other end of the line just in case they needed to contact him and he hung up. Neal made no move to get closer to Matthew and Peter was actually pissed at Neal for getting help for the man who wanted to watch him commit suicide. "How badly did you hurt yourself?"

Peter blinked because he honestly didn't know. His face hurt, his hands hurt, and his knees hurt, but he'd been so enraged and hadn't registered most of what happened in the few minutes he'd spent assaulting Matthew. "How bad do I look?"

"I think your nose is broken. Your knuckles look broken, too." Peter sighed and shook his head, closing his eyes. "Peter, I don't want to lose you. This is bad. This is really bad."

"He knows I know about what he did to you. He knows I'll use it against him. Maybe he'll drop the charges." Neal didn't want to bank on that because he knows Matthew is a pompous jackass who doesn't like giving in to others' demands. "Neal, he initiated a relationship with you while you were underage. He tried to initiate sex with you when you were underage. He could go to prison for what he did."

"So can you," Neal said brokenly. "This wasn't just a misdemeanor like what happened between you and Damien in the apartment you two shared."

Peter nodded as Neal began to cry. "I'll… I'll pay my way out of this somehow. I won't leave you alone, sweetheart." He held Neal against him as Neal cried. His only regret was that he'd caused Neal pain. It wasn't physical pain, but Neal was hurting nonetheless. He tried to calm his boyfriend down until the police and paramedics came running down the aisles to the exact location Neal described within the store.

Letting go of Neal, Peter rose to his feet and didn't resist when he was handcuffed. He glanced at Neal, met his eyes, and silently promised Neal that he'd come home to him very soon. He mouthed his love for Neal and hated the fact that the last thing he heard was Neal sobbing before he was dragged away while being told what the charges were against him and what his rights were.

He silently vowed to Neal that he would find a way to get out of this quickly so he could go home to him. The very last thing he wanted to do was leave Neal alone for a long period of time. That wasn't fair to Neal and he wished he'd considered that before assaulting Matthew. While he was satisfied after beating Matthew into unconsciousness, he hadn't considered what the consequences of this whole ordeal would be for him—and for Neal.

•◊•

Exactly thirty days following Peter's arrest, Neal found himself pacing as he waited for some word regarding what was going on. When Peter had been able to call him, he told Neal he was going to be in jail for at least thirty days and promised he'd try to get out as soon as he could. He also informed Neal that his father is a lawyer and would find a way to bail him out of this.

He hadn't heard from Peter since that afternoon, but Peter's father called him and asked that he come down to the police station, so he'd done just that and arrived early. He'd brought all of his money in cash because he wanted to try to pay for Peter's bail, but he felt like he didn't have enough.

"Neal Caffrey?" a soft voice called out behind him. Neal froze and turned to look at a man who resembled Peter, but a slightly older version of Peter. The man came closer and gave him a small, forced smile. "I'm Jonathan Burke, Peter's father. He asked me to make sure you were here, so I'm glad you came."

Neal swallowed hard and whispered, "I have six hundred dollars to offer. I'll do anything to get him out."

Jonathan raised an eyebrow at the young man his son described to him in great detail. There was something Peter hadn't told him about his boyfriend, but he hadn't pushed Peter to reveal more than was absolutely necessary. "Peter would be very disappointed in me if I made you pay for his release, son." Neal frowned and lowered his gaze to the floor. "Besides, it wouldn't be enough to get him out." He could see that he'd hurt the young man's feelings and he kind of regretted that. "His bail is slightly over ten thousand dollars because he was sentenced three years with an additional fine of five hundred dollars." Neal gasped and looked like he thought Peter wasn't going to get out today. "I bailed him out, but I let him sit in here for a month because the little jackass needs to learn that violence doesn't solve all of his problems."

"How much did he tell you?" Neal asked cautiously.

"I know about the domestic issue between him and Damien in what used to be their apartment, I'm aware of what Damien did to him in the apartment you're sharing with my son, and I'm also very aware of why he assaulted your ex-boyfriend." Neal's face heated up under Jonathan's scrutiny. "I don't know the specifics, but I know there are things he isn't telling me about you. I've retaliated against your ex-boyfriend's lawyer and they've dropped the issue and even lobbied to get him out of jail as well."

"How did you do that?"

Jonathan gave him a wry smile and said, "Because he could get into serious trouble for taking advantage of a minor. Your mother knew about your relationship with that man, correct?" Neal nodded, swallowing hard. "I would have asked her to testify for you and he backed off then."

Neal closed his eyes and whispered, "I'm so sorry for getting him into trouble, Mister Burke."

Shaking his head, the older man said, "He got himself into trouble. It was no fault of your unless you asked him to assault the other man." Neal shook his head frantically in the hopes that Peter's father wasn't going to try to pin this on him somehow. "Peter told me you're a good man and I hope he's right." Neal didn't know how to respond to that because he'd spent the last month thinking he wasn't worth Peter's time. Peter was put into jail for thirty days because of his past and he regretted reacting to Matthew's voice because he knew Peter would do whatever he could to cause Matthew pain after everything he told Peter.

"I love him," Neal whispered. "I feel awful because I believe I'm at fault. I wish I hadn't told him about my ex-boyfriend because he wouldn't have done any of this…"

Jonathan shook his head. "I know he loves you, Neal. He talks about you in a way that he never once spoke of Damien." Jonathan looked him over and said, "He begged me to be kind to you." As he stepped closer to Neal, he intimidated Neal. "Let me tell you this, young man. I didn't like Damien after everything he did to my son. If you ever hurt him, I will rain holy hell on you." Neal was trying very hard not to crumble beneath this man's glare. "You look like you're financially unstable and have no experience with the system or anything it entails. I could destroy you in a heartbeat."

If Neal weren't able to control himself and his bodily functions, he knew he would've soiled himself because Peter's father scared him shitless. His mouth dried and his heart was pounding in his chest as though it wanted to burst right out of his body. He wanted to answer Peter's father, but he knew he wasn't going to be able to speak without stammering like a fool. "Mister Burke?" Jonathan glanced at the woman who'd called out for him and he nodded, approaching her so he could pay for Peter's bail.

Neal had to take a seat because he was sure he would've collapsed now that Jonathan's gaze was off of him. He had no idea how this man had raised a man like Peter. Peter's father terrified him and threatened him, but Peter never treated him as though he were a petty, pitiable, and brainless fool. He felt awful and was tempted to run away and never look back.

What stopped that urge was the quiet "Neal?" he heard. Glancing up, he saw Peter looking a bit scruffy and like he'd lost a little weight while behind bars. He was dressed decently and Neal rose to his feet as Peter raced over to him. Jonathan watched his son dart over to Neal in curiosity. Peter wrapped his arms around Neal, lifted him, and spun him around before setting him down to kiss him. "Oh, God. I've missed you so much," he whispered. Neal was breathless as he stared at his boyfriend. "I know I look like shit right now, but I promise I'll shave and shower as soon as we get home."

"I missed you," Neal said brokenly. He let his walls crumble now as he embraced Peter tightly, kissing his neck. "I missed you, Peter. I'm so glad to see you again." Peter was smiling a little as he rubbed Neal's back. "I didn't know when I'd get to see you again. You didn't tell me when you were in court and requested that I not be allowed in to visit you here."

Peter nodded as he pulled back. He knew that would hurt Neal, but he caressed Neal's cheeks as he whispered, "I did that because I didn't want you to be here and blame yourself. I knew I was going to be charged and sentenced. I didn't want you to be there to hear everything." He rubbed his thumbs over Neal's cheekbones and lowered his voice so only Neal could hear him. "Have you cut yourself since I was taken away?" His only concern had been that Neal hurt himself or that Neal may have even killed himself, so seeing Neal here was such a relief to him.

"That's not important," Neal said sadly. "I'm sorry that you were in jail. I'm sorry for getting you into this and—"

"How badly have you hurt yourself since I last saw you?" Peter interjected. Neal shut his eyes tightly and rested his head on Peter's shoulder as he cried silently. He grabbed Peter's left hand and moved Peter's hand over his body to show Peter just how much he'd hurt himself without actually having to show him. He dragged Peter's hand over his stomach, up and down and across his hip, and over his thigh. "Oh, honey…" he whispered brokenly. "I'm so sorry."

Neal gasped quietly against Peter and Peter could feel his father's eyes on them. "I was so afraid that you'd be locked up for years. I'm so sorry for telling you about him. I'm so sorry for telling you he was there with you."

Peter kissed Neal's neck and hushed his boyfriend gently. "You did nothing wrong. I did what I did by my own choice. You didn't ask me to assault him in the store. That was my choice and I don't regret hurting him after everything he put you through as a teenager."

Jonathan brushed past them and made them separate a bit as he grabbed Peter's arm and dragged him along. Neal didn't know if he were supposed to follow until Peter dug his heels into the floor and waited for Neal to come with them. Neal felt so terrible and knew Peter's father was blaming him for Peter's arrest. Once they were outside of the station, Jonathan gave Neal a look and Neal backed off immediately so Jonathan could speak to his son privately.

"What the hell were you thinking? Is he worth jail time?"

"Yes," Peter said fiercely.

Jonathan glared at his son. "I know you went to school with Damien for quite some time, but where did you pick this little whore up?" Peter stiffened in front of his father and Jonathan glanced over Peter's shoulder at Neal. He was trying to analyze Neal even though Neal wasn't looking at them. "He's got to be toying with you, Peter. How much have you paid this peasant boy for sex?"

"Dad, what the fucking hell?" Peter snapped. "You've never been this way before. Why the hell do you think Neal's some cheap whore I picked up off of the street or ordered online?" Jonathan looked at Neal and then he gave Peter a look as though it were obvious. "What? I can't actually find a nice guy who genuinely loves me. You know Damien was terrible to me."

"I think you rebounded off of Damien rather quickly."

"Because Damien treated me like shit. Neal was the one who took care of me. He's the one who saved me from Damien when I was hospitalized." Jonathan looked surprised by that because he didn't think Neal was capable of harming a fly, let alone an actual human being. "He's intelligent and was trained to use objects within his reach as weapons. He threatened Damien and sliced across Damien's back when Damien made unpleasant comments before leaving." He gestured towards Neal and fiercely whispered, "He's the love of my life, dad. He protected me, cut Damien, and cared for me when I was in agony. I don't recall seeing you in my apartment to change my bandages or to clean the bloodstains out of my floor." Jonathan's glare softened as Peter whispered, "Do you think a whore or a peasant boy would have done all of that for me? He didn't have to stick around. He didn't have to attack Damien for what Damien did to me. He didn't have to take care of me for a few weeks and essentially nurse me back to health."

Jonathan looked at Neal and could see the way Neal was looking at Peter now. He knew Neal was looking directly at Peter because he could see love and devotion in the young man's eyes. Neal looked at Peter as his wife once looked at him. For the last several years, he felt like Peter was too blind to see that Damien wasn't the right man for him, so he felt like he'd once again chosen poorly. "He doesn't look like a man capable of attacking someone else."

Peter laughed. "Take him to spar with you someday. He used a knife as though he were using a sword. Whoever taught him was skilled and passed that on to him." Peter looked over at Neal and smiled softly at the younger man. "I love him with all of my heart and I can't dream of not being with him in the future. He's the one I want to marry and start a family with."

"And you don't think these thoughts are premature?"

"Oh—says the man who prematurely ejaculated into my mother and created my brother when the two of you were seventeen." Jonathan bristled at that, but he couldn't really argue his point with Peter. "I'm twenty-six. I know Neal is exactly what I want in my life, dad. Damien wasn't the one—and is far from ever being the one for me. Neal is the sweetest, kindest, most sensitive soul I've ever met."

Jonathan sighed and gestured for Neal to join them. Hesitantly, Neal moved to stand behind Peter. The older man could see how much he intimidated his son's boyfriend and Peter was right when he said that he'd never been like this before. After the way Peter had been used and abused by Damien, Jonathan was a bit defensive and wanted to scare anyone who thought they could break his son's heart again. He loves his Peter and doesn't want him to be hurt again. "Peter's convinced me to go easy on you, son." Neal was pale and Peter was concerned when he realized that. "You can speak up, Neal."

"I—" Neal's body jerked and he quickly covered his mouth. Peter grabbed his arm and looked worried. Neal looked like he was going to be sick.

"Jesus Christ, dad," Peter said exasperatedly. "What the hell did you say to him before I was released?" Jonathan looked apologetic when he realized the extent to which he'd intimidated the younger man. Peter had to quickly lead Neal to the nearest trashcan where he dry heaved because he'd been too worked up to eat prior to coming down to the station. Peter rubbed his back and tried to calm him down while Jonathan watched. "I want you to tell me what he said to you," Peter whispered. "I've never seen anyone get sick like this because of something he said, but I'm not going to let him treat you like shit just because Damien hurt me."

Neal gripped the arm Peter wrapped around him and held onto him tightly, breathing heavily. "I don't know if I can deal with that look of disapproval," Neal whispered. "He doesn't like me. I know he doesn't. He knows I have no money—that I can't offer you anything…"

Peter hushed him and kissed his hair. "Neal, stop. Relax, sweetheart. You've given me yourself and that's the best thing you can offer to me." He kissed Neal's shoulder and added, "Don't let him get to you. He'll stop bullying you now because I won't let this continue."

Once Neal relaxed, Peter helped him straighten up and held him close as they approached Jonathan. Peter was glaring at his father and Jonathan took that as his cue to say, "I'm sorry, Neal. I didn't mean to upset you enough to make you sick."

"It's okay. Just have a weak stomach," Neal said quietly. Peter gave Neal a sad smile and Jonathan could see the way Peter looked at Neal. Peter's eyes held as much love and devotion as he'd seen in Neal's eyes not too long ago.

"Would you like a ride back to the apartment?" Neal was going to shake his head, but Peter answered for them both since he wasn't able to drive them home and he didn't want Neal to walk if he still felt sick. Jonathan led them to his expensive car and Neal, once again, felt like he was going to be sick. He realized just how wealthy Peter and his father were, which meant he felt inadequate as hell. All he had were the paychecks he was getting because of the work he was doing with Peter. He was saving up because Peter never let him spend money on him, but he still felt terrible about being unable to provide for Peter the way Peter's provided for him.

Neal figured that he'd probably be able to provide for Peter equally if he'd gone to college and worked towards getting a degree in something rather than not even bothering to apply for a single college because Vincent told him he'd never amount to anything just like Matthew had.

Peter sat in the back of the car with Neal and held him close. He knew something was really wrong—aside from the fact that Neal nearly admitted that he'd been cutting himself since Peter was arrested and locked up. Jonathan silently drove them to the apartment and occasionally glanced back to check on Neal. The younger man's eyes were closed as he leaned on Peter's shoulder and he didn't feel inclined to open his eyes and meet Jonathan's piercing glare again.

When Neal thought about meeting Peter's father, this certainly hadn't been a scenario. He'd imagined a sweet man, a man as sweet as the son he'd raised, but he'd been welcomed by a man who seemed to resent him without knowing a single thing about him. "He'll warm up to you," Peter whispered in his ear. "Don't worry, sweetheart. I love you and he will, too." Neal nuzzled his face against Peter's shoulder silently and Peter whispered, "You and I need to discuss things when we get home." He was so afraid of touching Neal because he didn't want to hurt him, but he desperately wanted to see how badly Neal hurt himself because then he could see just how much Neal blamed himself.

"You're going to hate me when I show you," Neal whispered.

Peter really didn't like how that sounded. He could imagine quite a bit, but he didn't want to allow himself to think Neal severely injured himself. Apparently, he should have thought that way to prepare himself for this. "No matter what, I'll never hate you," Peter promised as he kissed Neal's hair. "I couldn't possibly hate the man I love with all of my heart."


	10. Chapter 10

Both Peter and Neal believed Jonathan was going to drop them off at their apartment building and head to his own home, but Jonathan invited himself into their apartment. Neal wanted to show Peter how much he'd hurt himself because Peter is the only one he can be open with in regards to his habit of cutting himself, but he couldn't do so with Jonathan around. His own mother didn't realize he was still harming himself nor did she know just how badly he's continued to do so. Peter had to force him to open up, but the admission and revealing of his self-inflicted hatred actually helped in a way. He'd kept all of this pain to himself, but Peter was willing to share his pain and do whatever he possibly could to lessen it.

As soon as they were in the apartment, Peter said, "Neal and I need a few minutes." Jonathan nodded and watched the two of them head into the bathroom together. As soon as Peter locked the door, he glanced at his boyfriend and whispered, "Show me how bad it is." Neal began to blink back tears, but he did as the older man asked, lowering his pants to his knees and lifting his shirt up to reveal his stomach and hip. Peter stared at Neal's body in absolute horror. Neal was still bleeding, which meant he'd cut himself again this morning and didn't have time to stop the bleeding before heading down to the police station. "Oh, Neal…" Neal began to cry silently and Peter kissed his forehead. "Okay. Let's get you cleaned up, sweetheart." Neal stripped entirely and let Peter help him. He let Peter gently wash away the blood, disinfect all of the new cuts with a great deal of peroxide Peter bought recently, and wrap him up with excess bandages from Peter's last hospital stay.

"I'm so sorry. I tried and I lasted a week. I've done this nonstop since then and…and…" Peter could see that Neal felt awful. He wasn't going to yell at Neal for hurting himself because he knew that would only make things worse. Neal needed support. If he wanted to be screamed at and beaten, he would have gone back to live with his mother and his stepfather. Since Neal chose to stay with him, Peter knew he needed to find a calm way to go about things. "Peter, I'm so sorry. I fucked up so much. You were in jail and… Nothing else really matters. You were in jail because of my ex—because of me."

Shaking his head, Peter lifted his hands to caress the sides of Neal's face, whispering, "I put myself into jail, honey. I never once blamed you or regretted my decision." Neal didn't understand how Peter couldn't blame him. He was used to being blamed for problems he hadn't created and he felt like he'd honestly created this one, so he blamed himself entirely. "He was in the hospital for a week. He's been torturing you for three years. I don't regret beating the shit out of him for you."

"But now who's to say you won't beat the shit out of me?" Neal whispered abruptly. Peter stared at his boyfriend and he was shocked by the younger man's question. "He was your friend until I told you he was my ex. I'm your boyfriend, but what if Matthew or Damien tells you something that makes you want to hurt me?"

"I would never—"

"You weren't a violent man before I talked about my ex. Even when you were with Damien, you weren't this violent." Peter frowned at his boyfriend because he knew he'd frightened Neal and Neal's had to live with this in silence for the last thirty days. "I could never hurt him even if I tried to—and it's not because I love him. I honestly didn't expect you to beat the shit out of him whenever you finally met him, but you did."

Peter nodded and said, "Because I hate him. After everything he's done to you, he deserved it all."

Neal couldn't help crying harder as he said, "You're going to hate me someday and you'll say exactly what you just said after you kill me."

Eyes wide, Peter asked him, "How could you possibly think I'd hate you or murder you?"

"I turned you into an abusive man. You justified your actions by telling me you did it for me. Someday, you're going to hit me, beat me, and strangle me…" Peter couldn't believe Neal thought this poorly of him. "As I'm lying lifeless on the floor, you'll justify it by telling the police I did something terrible to you—to hurt you." Glancing at his lower half, he whispered, "This could make you want to hurt me. You're disgusted with me and I wouldn't be surprised if you wished I were dead right—"

"Why are you putting such awful words into my mouth?" Peter snapped at him. Neal flinched, but Peter was really upset and they obviously had to discuss things. He didn't like all of these negative thoughts nor did he like how dark they were. "When did I ever say I wanted to hurt you? When the hell did I ever say I'm disgusted by you?" Neal stared at him wordlessly as his lips trembled. "Neal, he almost made you commit suicide. He almost raped you when you were vulnerable. Why the hell would you think I'd ever hurt you when I beat the hell out of the man who has tormented you for so long?"

"My dad was a cop and he went after someone who tried to rape my mom once." Peter's expression softened a little as he listened to Neal. "It was just before she'd gotten pregnant with me. He beat the man who tried to hurt her and ended up killing that man. After he'd successfully gotten revenge, he turned on my mother." Peter looked sympathetic as he considered what Neal was saying and applying it to their relationship. "I was conceived because he drunkenly beat her into unconsciousness and raped her. All she did was give him the wrong beer and he almost killed her. He made me, but he almost killed her." Neal loathed his father for treating his mother the way he had. Watching his dad beat his mom several times a day for no reason wasn't an ideal childhood for Neal. "She never had a job before she was pregnant and she's never gotten a job because of the way my dad treated her. She was trapped in her own home for nine months and gave birth to me in our living room."

Peter whispered, "Neal…" and Neal shook his head.

"She told me when I was eighteen that my dad made her walk around the house naked while she was pregnant because he wanted easy access whenever he wanted to have sex with her." Peter couldn't imagine how Neal's mother felt during that point in her life and he felt bad for Neal because Neal grew up watching his mother suffer. "Before he killed the man who tried to attack my mom, he never hurt her and they'd been together for two years. My mom was seventeen when she had me and my dad was twenty-three. He never hurt her until he killed a man. After murdering that man, my mom suffered. I don't know how I'm the way I am right now because she was beaten even while she was pregnant. My mom never did anything to provoke being hurt. My dad changed when he killed that man, Peter, and I'm afraid of history repeating itself—with you turning into him."

As much as it hurt to listen to Neal tell him all of this, he understood Neal's perspective. "Neal, I love you. I can't imagine hurting you." He rested his left hand over Neal's chest and whispered, "I love you. I refuse to put you through that again and I'm sorry for making you so afraid."

Neal wanted to believe Peter, but he didn't think he would succeed in convincing himself to believe the other man right now.

•◊•

The next time Neal went to see his mother, he asked if Peter wanted to come with him. Of course Peter agreed and said he'd do anything for Neal, but Peter didn't imagine staring at Neal's beautiful mother and imagining everything she went through. She was put through hell before she had Neal and she was put through hell after she had Neal because she didn't want to take Neal away from his father. He respected her because of everything she'd done for Neal. She tried to protect him when he was inside of her and she'd done what she could to keep him safe until they ran away.

"Peter," she whispered when Neal got up and went to refill their drinks. He glanced at Neal's mother in question and she said, "I hope you know how happy you make him. He practically bounces off of the walls whenever he's told me about you." He smiled a little and was relieved when she returned his smile. She reached out and rested her hand on top of Peter's. "Neal's happiness has always been important to me. I don't know how much he told you about his past, but I've always wanted him to be happy. When he told me he's gay, I told him I didn't care because he's my baby. My husband didn't give him that same respect and I…" She trailed off and turned to look at her son. "I know he let himself get hurt because he wanted me to be happy, but I prayed and prayed until my wish that he finally found peace and happiness was granted." Peter wasn't quite sure what to think of that considering Neal's a self-harmer. "I've never seen him so happy. He never even talked about his little racecars and LEGOs the way he talks about you."

Chuckling, Peter said, "I love your son. I've been with him for six months and I don't regret a moment of it." He watched Neal now and he focused on Neal's left hand. He could imagine putting a ring on Neal's finger, binding them together through marriage. "He makes me happy and he's a wonderful man." Looking at Neal's mother again, he said, "Natalie, he's told me a lot about what happened before the two of you left his father." She didn't seem all that surprised and Peter wondered if she hoped Neal would talk to someone about everything that happened. "I just want to thank you for everything you did for him. You kept him alive before he was born and I know you tried to make him happy even when his father was abusing you."

She smiled sadly. "I still remember the last day we spent with his father. I knew Neal was a sweetheart before that night, but he proved to me that night that his heart is overflowing with love. He's the one who packed our things and had everything ready so we could make a quick escape." She squeezed Peter's hand gently as Neal was returning to their table. "I hope you love him as much as I love him. After everything he's been through, I can guarantee you'll never find someone who will love you more than Neal loves you."

Neal stopped beside the table and saw the way his mother was smiling at Peter and then at how she was holding his hand. He couldn't help smiling a little himself before sliding into the booth to sit beside Peter again. "Should I ask?"

Peter and Natalie both chuckled. "We were just getting to know each other a little better, baby. Peter is living up to everything you told me." Neal gave Peter a shy smile before Peter kissed his temple. Natalie squeezed Peter's hand one last time before letting go. "I know I've said this every single time we met in the last few months, but I'm glad you're happy, Neal."

Leaning against Peter, Neal whispered, "He's everything I want." They'd gotten through the hurdle of Neal believing Peter would abuse him and things were getting back on track. Neal, in the last two months following Peter's release from jail, only cut one more time and he'd stopped ever since. Peter was very proud of him for that and he was encouraging Neal as much as he possibly could without seeming overbearing.

They discussed a few more things before Natalie said Vincent was wondering where she was. Sliding out of the booth, Neal hugged his mother instantly. "I'll come see you next week, my little love." Neal smiled against her and she knew it. "I wouldn't miss your birthday, sweetie."

"I love you, mommy," Neal whispered. Peter knew Neal tried to keep that as quiet as he possibly could because he was a little embarrassed about calling his mother 'mommy' as a twenty year old. In all honesty, Peter thought it was adorable. "I'll see you next Sunday."

"I love you, too." She kissed his cheek before letting him go and she briefly hugged Peter before leaving the two men.

As Neal and Peter were leaving a few minutes later, Peter took Neal's hand in his. Neal glanced up at him and smiled such a beautiful little smile. They left the little café they'd gone to and walked back to their apartment. Before they'd gotten into the apartment building, Peter asked, "Do you still want to lose your virginity for your birthday?" Neal nodded and Peter could see the eagerness as well as the anxiety in Neal's eyes. "You're sure you want to give it to me?"

Neal nodded again. "I didn't want to give my virginity to Matthew. He didn't deserve it." Rubbing his thumb over Peter's skin, he whispered, "Losing my virginity and giving it to you would mean the world to me."

"I just don't want you to look back on this and regret it someday," Peter said solemnly. "If you want to save yourself until you get married, I would completely understand."

Neal paused and pulled Peter back to him. "Are you trying to tell me you don't want to have sex with me?" Peter shook his head and Neal said, "I'm calling bullshit. Why are you asking if I'm sure about this? I've only been thinking about this for the last several months, Peter." Peter frowned at him. "If you'd rather not have sex with me, then fine. Don't ask leading questions if you're not planning on going through with any of this."

Peter replied, "I'm not saying I don't want to do it. I'm… I'm afraid of doing it." Neal's brows furrowed as he stared up at Peter. "I think this is a conversation you and I need to have in private." Neal nodded and followed Peter up to their apartment. After Neal locked the door, he went into the bedroom where Peter was now sitting on their bed. "Remember how I told you I had secrets?" Neal nodded as he paused in the doorway. "I've never told anyone about this, but I trust you, Neal, and I feel like you should know."

Taking a seat on the bed and crossing his legs in front of Peter, Neal whispered, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Sighing, Peter shook his head. "I need to. If I waited until I wanted to, it'd never happen." Neal looked at his boyfriend concernedly as Peter bowed his head. "I told you that Damien didn't make my first time good for me. Well, I didn't explain why." Neal scooted closer and took Peter's hands in his, giving him assurance that he's willing to listen. "When I was twenty, I'd been with Damien for two years. For two years, I'd been the one fucking him and I made it as good as I could every single time in those two years."

Neal could see the frustration building up within Peter and he squeezed Peter's hands, whispering, "Take it easy. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere." He lifted Peter's hands and kissed his knuckles, which seemed to help and Neal was grateful for that.

"For what should have been the third anniversary of our relationship, I gave him an array of things he liked. In return, he…" Neal glanced at Peter's hands as they tightened their grip on him. He immediately knew this was the reason that Peter punched the wall without explanation. Clearing his throat, Peter whispered, "In return, he raped me." Neal's heart broke as he watched Peter, his strong boyfriend, fall apart just a little. His walls were still up, but Neal knew how much this was hurting him. "I thought he was just being playful when he tied me to our bedpost and I didn't think he was going to try to fuck me. Damien wanted to overpower me and he got what he wanted. He'd tied me up so perfectly and raped me."

"I don't understand," Neal said apologetically. "How was this…rape?"

"Because I told him I didn't want him inside of me and he didn't listen to me when I told him to stop." Peter lifted his head and looked at his boyfriend's face. "I couldn't fight back. All I could do was lie there on my stomach and take it. He never once used lube to get me ready for him. He'd slick himself up and go right into me. After the first time, I tried to get away from him, but he caught me and only made things worse. He began drugging me then." Neal was staring at Peter's face and hoped he looked as understanding as Peter needed him to be. "For the next two years, he continued drugging me into submission. The next four years, I willingly submitted myself to him. I was tired of feeling terrible as a result of the drugs he gave me and I was sick of bleeding every night because he tore my ass up. The scars I showed you were from one of the nights I tried resisting."

"Peter, I'm so sorry," Neal whispered. Peter could see the tears welling up in his boyfriend's eyes and he appreciated that, but he didn't want Neal to cry.

Sighing again, Peter whispered, "I have other scars you haven't seen. I have internal scars because of what he did to my insides." Peter watched Neal's eyes close as tears slid down his cheeks. "He abused me, raped me, threatened me, and used me for six years. Until the day I met you, I hadn't been strong enough to break away from him because I wanted to think he could change and because I thought I honestly loved him." Rubbing Neal's hands gently, he added, "Of course I didn't break away completely as you know, but I have finally broken away. You severed my connection to him immediately after you saved me from him. As soon as I met you, I knew there was something special here. You were worth ending that relationship because I wanted to be with you, Neal."

Neal let out a shaky breath as he opened his eyes and looked at Peter. "I'm grateful for that. I love you, but I'm so grateful that you're not in that situation anymore." Peter gave him a small smile even as Neal continued to cry. He loved this overly sensitive man to death and this was exactly why he chose to reveal this secret to Neal. He knew Neal's a kind and gentle soul. Neal wouldn't criticize him or make him feel inferior. Neal brought himself to Peter's level and imagined how it would feel if he were in Peter's position. "I'm so sorry for what he did to you. Y-You… You're amazing, Peter. You didn't deserve that."

Peter nodded and slid his left hand out of Neal's so he could lift it and stroke Neal's cheek. "You have no reason to be sorry. Don't apologize for the wrongs he committed. I can't change what happened to me, but I can change the way I live my life from this point on." He wiped Neal's tears away gently and whispered, "I can't change my emotional scars the way you can't change your physical scars. If you want to think about this morbidly, we are two really fucked up individuals. However, I think we're the perfect match because we can understand each other."

"I agree. If our scars are one thing that brings us closer, so be it. I've trusted you with my scars and you've trusted me with yours." He leaned forward and kissed Peter passionately for a few moments. "Thank you for telling me, Peter. I genuinely appreciate how much trust you've put in me by telling me this."

Smiling a bit, Peter said, "There's no one I could trust more than I trust you."

•◊•

A few nights later, Neal found himself sitting at a fancy restaurant with his boyfriend and his boyfriend's father. Peter gave him clothes to wear and Neal felt really out of place as he sat beside Peter. Jonathan was sitting opposite them and occasionally gave Neal a critical look that Neal saw each and every time. He didn't know if he were doing something wrong, but he didn't want Jonathan to convince Peter that their relationship isn't worthwhile. It'd be pretty awful if they broke up just days before Neal's birthday, too.

"So, Neal…" Neal immediately looked at Jonathan without speaking and the older man continued by asking, "What are you currently studying in college? I assume you're going to the same university my son is at."

Neal swallowed hard and Peter watched him, knowing how embarrassed he felt. Neal wanted to go to college, but he never pursued it because of the costs. Vincent didn't want to pay for him to go and he didn't want to be in debt for the rest of his life. "I'm not enrolled in college," he finally whispered. Peter glanced at his father very briefly and noticed the disapproval immediately.

"He's very intelligent," Peter said, defending Neal. "He and I met at work. He's the subject of my project due in two semesters." Jonathan nodded, but the look of disapproval had yet to vanish.

"Intelligent men go to college," Jonathan muttered under his breath before cutting into his steak.

Neal swallowed once again and Peter could see how much this was upsetting Neal. "Dad, he couldn't afford it, okay? His stepfather—"

"Ah. And he also comes from a broken home." Neal's jaw tensed and Peter, whose right hand was holding Neal's left, noticed how Neal's hand tightened around his. He wasn't going to complain, but he knew Neal was bound to snap eventually. "Where do you find these boys, Peter? You can't honestly tell me he isn't from the nearest corner on your block."

Neal shoved his chair back and Peter held onto his hand tighter as Neal stood up. "Let go," Neal said through his teeth. Peter was pleading with his eyes, pleading for Neal to stay. After a few moments, Neal took his seat again and stared at his plate angrily. "Yes, I'm poor. Yes, I'm from a broken home," he snapped at Peter's father. "If I could've gone to college, I would have. I wanted to be an art teacher—or an art professor." Peter hadn't talked to Neal about college because he didn't want to pressure Neal or upset him. If Neal desperately wanted to pursue his goals, Peter would gladly pay for him. "I don't know why you insist on ridiculing me and making me feel like an ignorant fool. At least I don't beat the hell out of your son and make him feel terrible." Jonathan looked slightly taken aback by Neal's anger, but Peter knew he was impressed. "I love Peter. I'm not with him because he comes from a wealthy family. My stepfather comes from wealth and he's been my stepfather for a decade. I haven't seen a penny from that fucker and he stole the money I made when I started my job with Peter."

"And you—"

"Hang on. I'm not done," Neal interjected, finally meeting Jonathan's gaze. "Your son saved me from committing suicide," he admitted. "I'm on antidepressants and I was forced into withdrawal because my stepfather thought it'd be fun to stop paying for my prescription." Peter watched Neal silently because he knew Neal had been holding back from saying anything to Jonathan. "Peter, the beautiful soul that he is, came for me when I called him. He picked me up because he knew something was wrong. I'd run away from home and Peter was determined to take care of me. He paid for my medication and I eventually told him why _I_ couldn't afford it. Even when I tried to pay him back a little after that, he refused to take my money." Glancing at Peter, Neal's expression softened—as did his voice. "Peter helped me set up a bank account and he's helped me finally earn money so I can pay for my own things. If Peter hadn't spent twenty-five dollars on my medication, I wouldn't be here to have this conversation with you about him." He was focused on Jonathan again and whispered, "Your son saved my life. I would never ask him to do anything for me unless I absolutely needed to. Peter's given me hope and I want to start a new life with him."

Peter was smiling at his boyfriend. He leaned over and kissed Neal's cheek before resting his forehead against the side of Neal's face. "I didn't realize you came from…that kind of home life."

Neal sighed and Peter straightened up. "My family is broken because my father is an abusive man. He never once abused me, but he nearly killed my mom." Peter realized his father was actually sympathizing for Neal and he figured he would. Jonathan's own father was abusive, but Peter hadn't told Neal that. "The night my mom came back from the hospital, I told her it was time to leave. I'd packed things up when my dad was too drunk to care about what I was doing, so I was ready to go. We ran away when I was a little over five years old. I knew at that age that my mom would have been killed if I didn't tell her we needed to go."

"I'm so sorry," Jonathan said sincerely.

Shaking his head, Neal said, "It's not your fault. I'm just pouring my heart out for no reason."

Jonathan shook his own head and said, "You've been through quite a bit from the sounds of it." Neal nodded slowly and Jonathan added, "I apologize for how judgmental I have been since meeting you." Neal didn't respond. "Do you think we could start this over?" Neal looked at him and raised an eyebrow. Jonathan reached across the table and softly said, "Jon Burke."

Neal humored Peter's father and reached out, taking Jon's hand to shake it. "Neal Caffrey."

Peter was relieved as he watched this exchange. This was the man he was raised by. The arrogant, snobby ass wasn't who his father is and he was glad to see him treating Neal a little better. "If you ever need anything, you're more than welcome to come to me, Neal."

Shaking his head, Neal said, "What I need is something money can't buy." He glanced at his boyfriend and said, "Besides, I already have everything I need." Peter grinned at him. Jon could see that their relationship was genuine and he could see that he'd been wrong about Neal. He was just concerned about his son and didn't want Peter's heart to be broken again—nor did he want someone to deceive and rob Peter.

As Neal kissed Peter, Jon felt something stir within himself that he hadn't felt in quite some time. It was a feeling his wife had given him before she'd died. Watching the two men in front of him made him realize that they really were in love.

When Neal excused himself and went into the bathroom, Peter whispered, "Thank you." Jon gave him a small smile in response. "I love him and he loves me. He's never done anything to make me doubt him nor has he done anything to lose my trust." He glanced at the bathroom door for a moment before looking at his father. "His birthday is in a few days and I got him something that I thought was kind of special. I just feel so lame at the same time."

"Please just tell me you didn't buy an engagement ring, Peter Michael."

Rolling his eyes, Peter said, "I love him, but we aren't quite ready for that just yet." Jon sighed in relief. "At least we won't need a shotgun wedding," he teased. "Neal can't get pregnant."

Jon thought about that for a moment before asking, "Peter, has he had sex yet?" Peter looked taken aback by the question. "I've seen your sexual hunger while you were with Damien and it was considerably obvious that Damien was sexually active as well." Peter's face heated up. He was really glad Neal wasn't here for this part of the conversation. "When I look at Neal, he seems so innocent."

"I swear to God, if you tell him we discussed this…" Jon nodded, furrowing his brows. "Neal's a virgin. He narrowly escaped his last relationship with his virginity intact and I'm very proud of him for being able to wait until he thinks he's with the right person."

"So what you're saying is…"

Peter rolled his eyes once more as he said, "We made plans for his birthday." Jon looked amused. "That's only part of the gift and that's the latter half of it. Before we get into bed, I have something else for him."

"Do you mind if I ask what it is?"

Again, Peter's eyes flickered over to the bathroom door. "I bought him a promise ring." He looked at his father and saw the small smile return to his father's face. "It's really corny, but I think he'll like it and appreciate the sentiment."

As Neal was returning to the table, Jon said, "I'm just glad you're not proposing. Tell me how it goes." Peter chuckled and nodded.

Neal took his seat beside Peter and smiled at Peter lovingly before getting back to his dinner. Peter was staring at Neal endearingly and he couldn't help the fact that he would love to propose to Neal. He and Neal already spoke about marriage and starting a family together, so maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea. If Neal accepted the promise ring from him, it was kind of like an unofficial engagement…

He wanted everything to be perfect though. Neal deserves the best and he was determined to give Neal the best engagement and wedding that he possibly could when the time came for those things.

For the moment, he'd be content with giving Neal a promise ring in a few days.


	11. Chapter 11

Neal woke up to the smell of a cake. He smiled into his pillow because he knew Peter was baking—baking for him, for his birthday. He hadn't asked Peter to do that, but Peter told him he was doing it anyway. That meant a lot to Neal because Matthew had never done that. They'd been together for one of Neal's birthdays and Matthew treated it as if it were just another day rather than his boyfriend's birthday. He hadn't even wished Neal a happy birthday.

In a matter of moments, Neal heard Peter come into their bedroom and he couldn't help grinning when Peter pounced onto the bed and laid down behind him, draping his arm over Neal's waist. "Good morning, birthday boy," he whispered sweetly, pressing a gentle kiss against the back of Neal's hair. "You're now able to legally drink our alcohol." Neal chuckled and then he giggled when Peter pulled him closer and began to playfully attack his neck with kisses. Peter loved the way Neal sounded and his heart skipped a beat or two because he was the one eliciting these joyful sounds from his boyfriend.

Neal eventually flipped over and rolled on top of Peter, kissing him fiercely. Peter was taken by surprise, but he didn't discourage Neal. He held Neal's shoulders and moaned into the kiss. Neal, as far as Peter knew, still had his mind set on losing his virginity—and Peter planned on taking it from him tonight. Neal's mother was going to come over around noon, so they had four hours to spend together beforehand and the rest of the night after she left.

When Neal pulled away, both men were breathless. "Good morning," Neal said softly. Peter was holding Neal's shoulders because he didn't want to accidentally hurt him by touching a sensitive area from the waist down. "You know, this is the first birthday I've been excited about in a while," he admitted, "and I'm fairly certain it's because of you." Peter grinned up at him and Neal felt compelled to whisper, "Will you still, you know…?"

"I have a lot of things in mind for today," Peter whispered. "You might want to be a little more specific, honey." He watched Neal blush immensely and this was yet another instance in which Peter didn't know if he should find this funny or sad. He knew Neal wasn't used to being treated this way, so he was really hoping he'd be able to break Neal's lonely cycle. They didn't exactly have any friends to invite over, but Peter considered asking the photography crew to stop by since they know Neal and have all interacted with him at least once or twice since Neal began working with him.

"Tonight, before we go to bed… Well, when we get into bed…" He knew Neal was nervous, but he wanted Neal to be able to put his thoughts into words without interference. "Will you still make love to me tonight?" he stammered.

Peter lifted his left hand to stroke the side of Neal's face gently. "Of course, sweetheart." Relief flooded Neal then and Peter took him by surprise, flipping their positions so he could hover over the younger man. "Have you thought about how you want to do things tonight? It's your birthday and your first time, so I want it to be special."

Neal's hands were on Peter's biceps and he was gently rubbing his thumb over Peter's skin. "Anything you do tonight will be special," Neal assured him. "I've never shared a decent birthday with anyone aside from my mother—and Vincent, at first." Peter frowned and Neal's face heated up. "How are you used to doing things?"

The older man hesitated. He wanted to comment on how he didn't like the way he's done things before, but this was Neal and Neal was open to doing anything. "I don't exactly have the best experience to give," Peter admitted. "When I screwed Damien, he was lying on his back and looking up at me exactly as you are now. When he screwed me, we started off by bending me over the end of the bed and progressed to me getting on my hands and knees on the bed—either way, he was taking me from behind."

"But that wasn't pleasant for you," Neal whispered.

Peter shook his head. "No. It wasn't." After a few moments of silence, he realized Neal was uncomfortable. "If you want a suggestion, I think we should do it like this tonight. Regardless of whether I'm making love to you from the front or back, I will take care of your body. I'm not going to abuse the fact that you're willingly allowing me to make love to you." Neal smiled up at him and Peter was relieved to see that. "For the first time, maybe it'd be best if you looked at me so I can figure out what to do or not to do the next time." Peter tensed and paused before saying, "Assuming you give me a next time after tonight."

Neal's brows furrowed. "Why wouldn't I?"

"If I hurt you too much—"

"Peter, I knew Matthew wasn't going to treat me very well if we ever got into bed together." He lifted his hands to caress the sides of Peter's face. "I love you and I trust you." He was still nervous about tonight, but he trusts Peter. He knows Peter won't take advantage of the situation. "Let's just not drink beforehand though."

Nodding, Peter said, "That sounds like a great idea."

Neal smiled up at him. "I'd like to know how it feels without lowering my inhibitions," he teased. "Once we've been together—physically and relationship-wise—for a while we can partake in some fun, drunk sex, I think." Peter chuckled and shook his head. Neal stared up at his boyfriend lovingly and he was honestly beginning to think this would work out. They'd spoken about marriage and starting a family, but Neal was afraid that it would never go anywhere. As he stared up at the older man, he knew he was wrong. He is willing to give his body and virginity to this man—as willing as he is to someday marry and have children with him.

•◊•

When Neal's mother came over to see her son, she'd been so excited and so sad at the same time. As she stood in their doorway, she hugged her son who was slightly taller than her and she whispered, "You're getting so big and I'm getting too old." Neal chuckled and kissed her cheek. She pulled back to look at him and she couldn't help smiling. "I've brought such a gorgeous boy—no, young man into this world and I'm so proud of him."

Peter was sitting on the couch to give them their moment and he was smiling himself. "Thanks, mom," Neal said softly.

Peter grinned when she made a mock-offended expression. "Mom? _Mom?_ Um, hello, my little love. I am your _mommy._ " Neal's face heated up and she raised an eyebrow at him while smiling. "Oh, am I embarrassing you, baby?"

Neal muttered something under his breath and Peter said, "Hon, you can call her mommy. It doesn't bother me." Neal glanced at him uncertainly. He felt so much like a child sometimes and he didn't want Peter to think he was in a relationship with a five year old. "I'll get to call you daddy someday, so…"

The look Neal gave him made him laugh out loud. "You want children?" Natalie asked Neal, looking excited. Peter gathered from that that Neal always told his mother that he didn't want to have children at any point. That was when Neal believed no one could ever love him or want to be with him for a long period of time. Neal nodded at his mother and Natalie was thrilled by that. "Oh, I'm so glad to hear that, sweetie!"

Neal was crushed in a hug by his mother and Peter kept laughing quietly. "Peter and I plan on getting married before we have children though."

Natalie pulled away and stared at her son once again. "You want to get married, too? Oh, my God." She looked at Peter and teased, "What did you do with my son?" Neal's face heated up as Natalie grinned at Peter. "You've changed his views on marriage _and_ children!" When Peter glanced at his boyfriend after Natalie eventually settled down and was able to contain her excitement as best she could, he knew Neal wasn't upset with him. They were all relaxing together and Natalie asked, "You've been telling me for years that you'll never have kids or get married. Did Peter really change your mind?"

Peter watched his boyfriend nod and he couldn't help smiling a little. "You know Matthew wasn't right for me," he whispered. "He's the reason I didn't want to get married or have children. I thought all guys would be like him, so I chose not to settle for anything permanent—or consider anything permanent, I should say." Neal glanced at Peter and took his hand, squeezing it. "Peter treats me wonderfully and we were talking about the possibility of getting married not even twenty-four hours into our relationship." Natalie was grinning at the two men because she wanted Neal to be happy and to live a happy life. Since he'd met Peter, it seemed like things were finally changing for Neal. "We didn't start a conversation about children until a little bit later, but… Yeah. Peter changed my mind."

Neal's mother looked so thrilled by that and Neal knew it. She'd tried to encourage him to reconsider, but Neal hadn't budged when it came to either of these things. "It's your birthday, sweetheart, but you've given me such a wonderful surprise."

Chuckling a little, Neal teased, "Peter hasn't proposed yet, but I promise I'll let you know when Peter pops the question."

Peter felt the need to tease Neal a little himself. "Oh, I have to propose to you? Damn it…" Neal snickered a bit and Peter leaned over to peck his lips. "I'd be more than happy to propose to you, Neal." As Natalie watched the two look at each other, she could see a kind of happiness she hadn't seen in Neal since he was about five years old. She watched her son initiate a kiss with his boyfriend and it warmed her heart to see him so happy and in love.

The three of them, a little while later, were getting ready to have dinner together when someone knocked on the apartment door. Neal glanced at Peter and said, "I'll get it."

However, Peter protested and said, "You're the birthday boy. I've got it, lover." Neal gave him a small smile before watching Peter head over to the door. He went back to dishing out dinner and kept an ear out for Peter. "Get the hell out of here," Peter snarled angrily moments after opening the door. Neal dropped a plate on the counter and darted over to the door where he saw Matthew with a box of chocolates. "You have absolutely no right to be here."

"I'm just here to say happy birthday to him. You at least owe me that after beating the hell out of me."

"I owe you _nothing,_ " Peter said furiously. " _He_ owes you _nothing._ " Neal bit his lip because he didn't know what to do. Seeing Matthew always terrified him, but he was afraid of Peter losing control again. He didn't want Peter to get arrested again and he knew Jon would blame him for this—again. "You deserved every hit, Matthew."

Matthew shrugged and shoved past Peter. Neal's eyes widened and he darted over to Peter, putting himself between the two men. He grabbed Peter's hands and struggled against him to keep him from getting into more trouble. "Please don't," Neal begged him. He didn't turn to look at Matthew because he was focused on his boyfriend. "I told you he isn't worth it. He's not worth being put into prison, Peter. If you assault him again—"

"Fine," Peter snapped. Neal thought Peter was going to hit him when Peter wrenched his hands out of Neal's. He was glaring at Matthew, but Neal was relieved to see that Peter wasn't attacking him.

"Why are you here?" Neal asked when he glanced over his shoulder.

"I told him I wanted to say happy birthday."

Neal raised an eyebrow. "Why? You've known the date of my birth for six years and never once wished me a happy birthday—in person or over text."

Matthew's jaw tensed and Neal could feel Peter getting defensive. Natalie watched the three men and wished she could make Matthew leave immediately. She'd never liked him and she hated what he did to Neal emotionally and psychologically. She knew he'd cut himself and knew he'd been suicidal. Because she loves her son so much, she pleaded with him to leave Matthew—to cut all ties to him. That started with Neal deactivating his email account that Matthew was aware of as well as deactivating his Facebook account. Neal had been friends with Matthew's friends on the social media site and Natalie discovered that all of Matthew's friends were into drugs when she logged into Neal's account. She didn't want Neal to get into that and knew she had to help him get away from the bastard.

"Well, perhaps I could've texted you if you hadn't blocked me." He glared back at Peter then because he knew Peter was responsible for that. Before Neal and Peter were together, he was able to freely insult, harass, and demean Neal. "I think it's kind of funny that you left me because I was too controlling and too, as you put it, 'fucking arrogant and aggressive.'" Neal swallowed hard and made sure he gripped Peter's arm as tightly as he could because he knew Matthew was going to say something that'd make Peter snap. "Look at the man you're with right now. He didn't want you talking to me, he's arrogant because he thinks he's the alpha male in the room, and he's aggressive in case you couldn't already tell after the incident that landed him in jail."

"You mother fu—"

"Peter!" Neal cried out, shoving him back. Peter was a bit stunned by the force Neal used against him, but that was when he realized Neal was trying to prevent another fight. Natalie watched her son try to reason with Peter using his eyes and Peter understood. "Peter isn't like _you,_ " Neal said after a few moments of silence. "He doesn't want me talking to you because he knows how much you've hurt me with your words—and text messages. He's not _arrogant_ because he _is_ the alpha male in the room, and he's only aggressive because he knows how much of an asshole you are and you're intentionally provoking him."

Matthew snickered and Peter kept his eyes on Neal because he was trying not to fuck up Neal's birthday more than he already had. He had plans for the evening that led to better things, but Matthew was destroying his ability to avoid a confrontation. He wanted to kill Matthew and welcomed a fight, but Neal would more than likely leave him if he ever managed to kill Matthew. After hearing about what started the abuse between Neal's parents, he knew he never wanted to frighten Neal again with the thought that he himself could be abused by a significant other. Peter never wanted to hurt Neal, so he was going to try to avoid giving Neal reason to think he would.

Natalie came closer and said, "Leave my son alone, you sick animal." Matthew raised an eyebrow at her and Neal didn't like the look he was giving her. "Haven't you already caused him enough pain? What more could you possibly want from him? He left you because he was unhappy and—"

Neal's eyes widened when Matthew struck her and, despite trying to stop Peter from attacking Matthew, Neal was enraged. He'd spent so much time trying to make sure his mother was never hurt again and this bastard thought he had the right to hit her. Neal grabbed Matthew violently and shoved him towards the door, snarling, "Get the hell away from my family!" Peter was stunned when he realized Neal just inferred that he's part of Neal's family.

Matthew stood in the doorway and laughed a little, so Neal decided to take it one step further. Instead of directly hitting Matthew, he slammed the door in his face—literally. He heard Matthew's sound of pain when he'd been smacked by the door that was instantly locked moments after closing.

Peter and Natalie were both shocked because neither of them had seen Neal get this aggressive before. "Just you wait," Matthew said. "The next time I see you, your boyfriend won't be around to protect you."

When Matthew was finally gone, Neal sagged against the door. Peter wanted to run to him, but Natalie took that opportunity and he granted it to her because she's Neal's mother. "I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered to him.

Neal had calmed down instantly once he realized he'd shoved Matthew out of the apartment. He straightened up and saw the tears in his mother's eyes. There was also a slightly visible hand mark on her face. Tentatively, Neal caressed his mother's cheek and whispered, "I will _never_ allow another man to hit you."

She smiled up at him sadly because she knew how much her son loved her. He loved her enough to allow Vincent to abuse him and he'd told his mother that they weren't going to run away from Vincent because Vincent treats her as though she's his queen. Neal wanted that for her and he had no intention of separating her from Vincent unless Vincent hurt her. "I know, my little love. I know," she said softly in response. She hugged him and was relieved by how instantaneously he'd returned her embrace.

During their dinner, Neal excused himself to go to the bathroom and Peter was beginning to worry when Neal was in there for twenty minutes. Neal seemed like he was okay and he'd eased into a light conversation with his boyfriend and mother, so Peter didn't understand why Neal was taking so long.

It then dawned on him that Neal was hurting himself. "I'll go check on him," he said abruptly. "Excuse me." Natalie nodded as Peter stood up and went to the bathroom. He didn't knock and he didn't wait outside of the door to eavesdrop on his boyfriend. He pushed the doorknob down and twisted it because he knew the door would open that way and he instantly went into the bathroom, shut the door, and turned to find Neal crying in bathtub. "Neal?" he whispered. At first, everything looked okay. As soon as Peter was close enough he could see the bloody razor in Neal's trembling fingers. Neal cut across his stomach and lower leg several times and Peter felt awful for not coming in sooner. "Neal…" he said, sounding like he was in agony.

"I'm sorry. I tried not to," Neal stammered through his tears. "I legitimately came in to go to the bathroom and I saw the razor in the mirror when I was washing my hands." Peter nodded and tried not to look as upset as he felt. "I kept telling myself not to, but I did. I turned around and grabbed it. I bled on the floor and…and…" Peter glanced at the floor and saw Neal's blood. "I can't make it stop. I'm trying."

Peter's heart was breaking as he looked away from the blood on the floor and proceeded to look at the blood on his boyfriend's body—along with the tears in his eyes. "Fuck. The bandages aren't in here and I don't want your mom to wonder what's going on." He glanced at how badly Neal's stomach and leg was bleeding and decided to hell with it. He kissed Neal's forehead and whispered, "I'll be right back." He left the bathroom and went into the kitchen quietly, hoping that Natalie wouldn't turn around and look at him. Quickly, he opened up the cabinet beneath the sink, grabbed the bandages, and darted back to the bathroom. After shutting the door, he whispered, "Can you get up or does it hurt too much?"

"It hurts," Neal said thickly. "It doesn't ever _not_ hurt…" Peter frowned before stripping his own pants because he didn't want to get blood on his pants. Natalie would see it and wonder what the hell. Neal stared up at him in confusion and watched as Peter grabbed the antibiotic ointment out of the cabinet under the bathroom sink, subsequently grabbing a washcloth that he wet with cool water, and climbed into the bathtub.

"This is going to hurt like hell because you just did this to yourself," Peter apologized quickly. Neal nodded and shut his eyes, tensing his jaw. Peter didn't like doing this, but he did it regardless. He knew Neal could've taken care of this himself, but he wanted to do it for him. Using the washcloth, he gently applied pressure to it on Neal's leg until it finally seemed to stop bleeding. He held the washcloth against Neal's stomach after the bleeding in his leg was under control and waited until his stomach wasn't bleeding anymore.

Neal hadn't made a sound during the whole process because he was grateful for Peter's assistance and didn't want to make him feel bad. He just remained very still as Peter climbed out of the tub, wet the washcloth, and came back to wash the blood away before gently patting the wounds to dry them. He applied antibacterial cream to both wounds and covered them with the bandages he brought into the bathroom before taping them so they wouldn't uncover Neal's wounds.

After Neal was sufficiently bandaged, Peter got out of the bathtub and cleaned everything up, including the blood on the floor and in the bathtub—once he got Neal out. "I'm so sorry," Neal whispered as Peter was wringing the blood out of the washcloth he'd used to clean Neal's cuts before cleaning everything else.

"Don't apologize," Peter said softly. "It's going to take time before your impulse to cut isn't so severe." Neal was frowning towards the floor when Peter glanced at him using the mirror. He knew Neal was upset with himself and Peter, admittedly, was upset with him as well, but he didn't want to yell at him or upset him further. Acting aggressively and negatively wouldn't stop Neal and would more than likely make him do it again. Peter's goal was to get him to stop eventually, so he was trying to go about this as best he could. "Everything's all right, honey. We're going to get through this together." Neal shook his head and Peter watched him in despair. "Yes, we are. I'm not leaving you."

"Then I'm going to leave you," Neal said miserably. "I can't do this to you anymore. I know I'm cutting myself, but I'm causing you pain, too." Peter turned the water off once the washcloth was dripping with clear water. He wrung out the water and then tossed the cloth into the laundry basket before turning to face his boyfriend who was now sitting on the ledge of the bathtub. "This is never going to stop, Peter. This is a curse I've put upon myself."

Peter shook his head before getting down on his knees in front of Neal. "I love you and I don't want to let you go, Neal. I'm not going to throw you out, honey." He stroked Neal's hair and whispered, "We're a couple. We're in this together. You aren't alone anymore, my love." Neal looked at him for a split second before realizing Peter was being honest and then he hugged Peter tightly. Peter smiled, kissing his boyfriend's neck gently. "What do you say we get back out there, eat dinner, make your mom leave, and relax for the rest of the night?" Peter asked teasingly. Neal chuckled and pulled away, taking Peter's hand in his.

When Neal looked up at Peter and Peter met his gaze, Peter could see the gratitude in Neal's eyes, but he never wanted Neal to thank him for loving him enough to go through this with him.

•◊•

After Neal's mother went home, Peter took Neal into their bedroom and sat on the bed with him. Neal was nervously playing with his fingers and Peter just smiled at him lovingly, watching him. He decided that he wasn't going to let Neal's nervousness overwhelm him anymore, so he said, "All right," to gather Neal's attention. Once Neal was focused on him, Peter smiled again. "Before we get into anything physical, I have something for you."

Neal looked at him in despair. "Peter, I told you not to—"

"And I didn't listen to you for once," Peter teased him. "Besides, I've had it for a little while and decided that your birthday would probably be the best time to give it to you." Neal's brows furrowed as he watched Peter flop onto his stomach and lean closer to the nightstand on his side of the bed, pulling the drawer open a moment later to quickly grab something out of it.

When Peter sat up in front of Neal again, Neal whispered, "Please tell me it wasn't expensive—whatever it is."

Peter nodded and said, "It wasn't expensive." Neal let out a sigh of relief until Peter said, "The expensive things have yet to come and I'll try to perfectly time those as well down the road." Neal waited as Peter built up the courage to finally say what he wanted to say. "Neal, we haven't been together for an entire year yet, but I know I want to be with you for the rest of my life." Neal wasn't sure if he hoped that Peter was proposing or not. If he was, he'd definitely say yes. If he wasn't, Neal had no idea what the hell he was doing. "I think it's a little too early to propose to you, but I do love the hell out of you, honey." Neal couldn't resist smiling at his boyfriend. As Peter messed with what was in his hand, he exhaled audibly. "My gift to you is this," he said nervously, second-guessing his decision to do this. He pulled the object out of his left palm and held it up to show Neal. "It's a promise ring. It's not exactly an engagement or anything, but I got it for you and I'm hoping you'll wear it because, to me, it represents commitment—and I'm committed to you as much as you're committed to me."

Neal blinked back tears and Peter thought it was beautiful to see Neal react to a promise ring like this. He couldn't imagine how Neal was going to react when Peter actually did propose to him, but he knew that moment would be special no matter what. "Of course," Neal said thickly. "I love you, Peter." The two men smiled at each other for a few moments before Neal hesitantly lifted his left hand. Peter gently took Neal's hand in his and slid the ring onto Neal's ring finger. "Holy shit," Neal gasped. "It fits perfectly." He looked at Peter in amazement and asked, "How did you do that? I've never worn a ring in my life."

Chuckling, Peter said, "Well, after we talked about marriage, I bought some of those ring finger measuring things and I may or may not have slipped one of the little loops around your finger to get your size while you were asleep…" Neal thought that was really sweet and it was perfect because Peter didn't want to play coy and try to keep it a secret while asking Neal if he could try it out. He hadn't even suggested that he was doing this, so it meant a lot that Peter did what he could to keep this a surprise for him. "I called your mom and she told me she had no clue what your ring size was, so my initial thought was 'fuck' because I didn't know what to do. I found the measuring loops by chance and I'm so glad it worked out. I wanted this to be perfect for you, lover."

"It is perfect," Neal said softly. "Like you said, it's not really an engagement, but it's kind of close."

"Believe me when I say the engagement speech will be a hell of a lot better and well thought out when the time comes," Peter said as he laughed quietly. "I'm going to make sure my proposal and wedding vows to you are perfect and special."

Neal rolled his eyes, murmuring, "Peter, just coming right out and asking if I'll marry you would be extremely special because no one's ever asked me to marry them before. You know I'll say yes no matter how you word it."

Peter shrugged and said, "That may be true, but I want it to be memorable. If you ever end up leaving me, I at least want you to remember how—hopefully—wonderful and extremely heartfelt my proposal to you was."

The younger man smacked his boyfriend and said, "I'm not going to leave you. I'm happy with you, Peter." Peter wasn't entirely sure how true that was considering Neal is still cutting himself… "Earlier wasn't your fault. You listened to me and didn't fight him, so I appreciated that. What I did was done because of how I made myself feel. Being around him makes me feel worthless and no better than the dirt you walk on."

Peter lifted Neal's left hand to his lips so he could kiss the promise ring he'd slipped onto Neal's finger. "You mean so much to me, hon. I'll do everything I can to make you happy."

"Just be yourself with me. You don't need to go out of your way and buy a bunch of expensive shit you know I don't need." Showing Peter the ring Peter gave him, he said, "This is perfect. Things like this are simple, but you know the simple things mean the world and more to me." He whispered, "All I need is you in my life. You're the most important thing in my life, Peter. If I were to lose everything I own right now, I'd still be happy because I would have you. Material things don't mean nearly as much as you mean to me."

The older man was really touched by that and he pulled Neal into an embrace, a warm and loving embrace. "This is exactly why I love you," Peter said quietly. "You're yourself with me, too. You don't ask for things because I have money and you fight me even when I do buy you things sometimes." Neal chuckled because that was true. He didn't like having people spend money on him because Vincent screamed at him whenever he wanted something—something like a new toothbrush or pair of shoes. "Not to ruin the moment or anything," Peter said apologetically, "but Damien used to ask me to buy him expensive things and take him on expensive vacations because he knew I'd do it for him. You know I'd do the same for you if you let me, but that's why you're special. You don't take advantage of my feelings for you."

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter's shoulder and said, "I'd never take advantage of you. I appreciate everything you do for me." He kissed Peter's neck and whispered, "Especially when you bake. Jesus Christ are your cookies good—and now I've discovered that you bake cake to perfection as well." Peter snickered a bit and rubbed his boyfriend's back. "Mom was raving about it for at least five minutes as she was eating it. I didn't want to tell her how much I loved your cake because, honestly, my mom doesn't know how to bake very well. I loved her for baking cakes on my birthday, but they tasted awful."

"Well, from this birthday forward, you will always have a beautiful and tasty birthday cake." Neal was grinning and he knew it. "I liked waking up to bake it for you. I'm just glad you weren't awake when I was messing around with the frosting." Neal pulled back and gave him an intrigued look, so Peter sighed. "I was baking a cake I hoped was perfect, but I had…other things…on my mind as well."

"So that's why it looked like I was cleaning a bunch of dicks off of the counter earlier." Peter laughed and Neal shook his head. "I wondered what the fuck those were," he said as he laughed. "They didn't look like any dicks I've ever seen."

Raising an eyebrow in a teasing manner, Peter asked, "Oh? And how many dicks have you seen, my sweet virgin?"

Neal blushed and said, "Well, of course I've seen my own." Peter chuckled quietly and nodded, watching as Neal shifted closer to him. He quietly moaned when Neal reached over to stroke him. Neal knew exactly where his erection was and he was intent on teasing Peter. "This one is my favorite." Peter began to move his hips a little, rubbing himself against Neal's hand. He was still fully clothed and this felt so good. Even when Neal squeezed him a little, he couldn't resist moaning. "I like how hard and long…and _thick_ this one is," he whispered seductively near Peter's ear, eliciting a shiver from the older man.

Peter groaned as he leaned forward and rested his forehead against Neal's shoulder while Neal continued to fondle him gently. "You're a virgin and you already know how to torture me…" Neal smiled, feeling pretty good about this. All he was really nervous about was the possibility of giving Peter a blowjob. He knew he could probably handle Peter thrusting into him because it didn't take a whole lot of effort for him to lie there while Peter moved, but he was afraid of giving Peter a terrible blowjob.

"Now that you've given me a commitment ring and we've essentially pledged our love for each other—and sexually aroused each other, can we…deflower me?"

The older man was really turned on by that. He wasn't yet over his fear of making Neal's first time awful and painful, but he liked that Neal seemed pretty optimistic already.

Peter moved around so he was laying Neal down onto the bed carefully before hovering over him, kissing him passionately. The moment he pulled away, he breathlessly said, "It would be my pleasure to bring you pleasure, my love…"


	12. Chapter 12

Neal stared up into Peter's eyes as Peter stroked him while hovering over him. They were both completely naked, but Peter was taking this as slowly as he could without frustrating Neal. For someone who was twenty-one and had yet to have sex, Neal was one eager son of a bitch. His hands were on Peter's shoulders and he was thrusting up into Peter's hand. "Have you ever masturbated before?" Peter asked curiously. Neal made a face and Peter asked, "What? It's a legitimate question." Neal rolled his eyes, so Peter added, "Hey, you were the prude in the shower who wouldn't even allow himself to have an erection. You're harder than hell."

"Are you expecting me to be soft?"

Peter was careful to make sure he retracted his hand to swat Neal's ass as soon as Neal lifted his hips again. "I know how these things work," Peter murmured after Neal yelped a little.

The older man was surprised when Neal smacked his ass in retaliation. "So do I…"

Grinning at the younger man, Peter growled, "You're really sexy for a virgin."

Neal raised an eyebrow and said, "Jesus. What're you going to say after I'm not a virgin anymore?" Peter snickered and decided to kiss Neal fiercely rather than answer the question. He kept mentioning Neal's virginity because he wanted to keep it at the forefront of his mind. The last thing he wanted to do was pretend Neal was sexually active and end up roughing him up. Damien hurt him and he didn't feel inclined to do that to Neal. After six years, Peter still felt the phantom pains of being raped. The scars inside of himself and the fact that his fissures occasionally reopened and bled didn't make matters any better.

When Peter grew very silent, Neal watched him concernedly. All of his sexual thoughts disappeared when he realized something was bothering Peter. When he lifted his left hand and stroked Peter's hair, Peter snapped out of whatever he'd gotten lost in. "You okay?"

"I was going to ask you that," Neal whispered, furrowing his brows. "Did I do or say something that hurt you?" Peter looked confused, so Neal expanded by adding, "Peter, you zoned out on me." He rested his right hand over Peter's left and loosened the grip Peter had on his hip. Cuts on his hip were still healing, but he was trying to keep his discomfort and slight pain to himself. "What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything," Peter said. He could see the skepticism in Neal's eyes, but he didn't want to tell Neal he'd thrown himself back into thoughts regarding Damien. "Sorry, honey."

Neal shook his head and asked, "Should we try this some other time?"

"No. It's your birthday and I've been building you up for this. I'm not going to—"

The younger man put his hand over Peter's mouth to shut him up for a moment so he could reassure Peter that they could wait a little longer if necessary, but something triggered inside of Peter when he did that. Peter wrenched Neal's hand away from his mouth, shifted away from him slightly, and then his hand was around Neal's throat. Neal gasped and gripped Peter's wrist. "Peter!" he pleaded. "Peter, don't!"

Peter snarled, "You think it's funny, don't you?" Neal stared up at him sympathetically because he knew Peter wasn't talking to _him._ "Shutting me up, silencing my screams, taking my voice from me… It's not a God damn game!" His fingers tightened around Neal's throat and Neal wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to stop this.

Neal was gasping for breath as he tried to stop Peter. He didn't want to hurt Peter, but he also didn't want Peter to kill him. "Pe-ter," he gasped as tears welled up in his eyes as he tried to pry Peter's hand off of him.

As soon as Neal had finished saying his boyfriend's name, Peter was back with him and his eyes widened as his hand immediately released Neal's throat. Neal coughed a few times and then he was breathing heavily. He lifted his left hand and held his own throat because it was aching. "Neal, I am _so_ sorry," Peter whispered. "I didn't… I didn't mean to…"

The younger man nodded because he understood. "I know it wasn't me," Neal rasped. He cleared his throat and winced in pain. As soon as he'd done that, Peter's hands were on his shoulders. "Was it him?" Peter swallowed hard and nodded as Neal sat up. Peter was straddling him and he knew how terrible Peter felt about what just happened. "Would you like to talk about it? I don't want him to hurt you anymore," he said when he finally felt like he could speak without pain.

Peter began to tremble and he shifted, lying between Neal's legs with his head on Neal's thigh and against his stomach. Neal watched him and stroked his hair. He wasn't expecting things to go this way, but something obviously happened between Peter and Damien and covering Peter's mouth triggered that memory. "I remember him putting his hand over my mouth when he drugged me. I can't remember the rapes very well, but I remember him covering my mouth." He pulled Neal's right leg closer, wrapping his arms around the limb. "He tried to keep me quiet and the drugging eventually became worse. I was nearly comatose several times…"

Neal felt awful even as he asked, "How was he able to do this to you for two years?"

"He never let me leave his side and I was forced to take two years off from college. Someone he was fucking at some point gave him the means of injecting drugs right into me. I don't even know what drugs he used, but I can't remember much about those two years because he never let me come down from the high—not completely, anyway." Neal stared down at Peter sadly. He ran his fingers through Peter's hair and hoped he was soothing Peter somewhat. "I was addicted because of how much he drugged me, but I remember one moment when I came down enough to comprehend what was going on. I promised him I wouldn't fight him anymore as long as he stopped drugging me." Peter kissed Neal's bare thigh and whispered, "I'm sorry for almost hurting you—again. Just… Please, don't ever cover my mouth again…"

"I promise I won't," Neal said softly. "I don't want you to suffer, Peter. I'm sorry for hurting you."

Peter shook his head and sat up. "You aren't the one who drugged and raped me," he whispered. "I may as well just tell you what not to do when we're in bed—if you ever actually trust me in bed after what I just did…"

Neal ran his fingers along Peter's jaw and gave him a small smile. "I trust you. Tell me what not to do."

Sighing, Peter took Neal's hands in his. "Don't punch me—anywhere. Don't grip my wrists and try to restrain me. Don't cover my mouth at any point…" Neal was nodding and Peter watched him, knowing Neal was taking mental notes of what he was saying because he cared so much. "Don't… Don't bite my earlobes. If we switch positions and you're inside of me, do _not_ try to stop my ejaculation unless I expressly ask you to. If I'm giving you a blowjob, do _not_ grip my hair and shove me so your dick is in further than I'm comfortable with."

As Peter stopped after that, Neal gently asked, "Is there anything else?" Peter bristled at that and Neal quickly said, "I'm not trying to be judgmental or critical, Peter. I promise. I'm seriously concerned about doing something that makes you want to hurt me because of him."

"Just don't force me to do something. If I tell you no and you keep going…"

"I won't," Neal insisted. "If I ever do anything and you ask me to stop or tell me you don't want to do it, I will not force you into it. I love you too much to do that to you, Peter." He couldn't even imagine how much Damien hurt Peter if Peter had to expressly ask him not to do certain things that Neal honestly had no intention of ever doing to him. Peter relaxed and Neal sighed in relief. "I'll never do anything like that to you, Peter. I value you and your love far too much."

Both men relaxed together for a little while and then Peter looked at the clock and said, "Fuck!" Neal looked at him concernedly. "Neal, it's almost ten-thirty. I told you I'd—"

"If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen," Neal said softly. "Don't worry. I want you to be okay, my love."

Neal knew it wasn't that simple. Peter wanted to please him and promised he would each time they spoke about it. Peter wanted it to be on Neal's birthday because Neal wanted that initially as well. "If I promise I won't choke you or assault you, can I please make love to you?"

Peter stared at Neal silently as Neal thought about it. Of course he wanted to make love with Peter because he wanted to experience that intimacy with Peter for the first time, but he didn't want Peter to lose himself again. "Peter, I don't think that's such a good—"

"I swear to you," Peter pleaded, "I won't think about him—or anyone else. It's just you and me." Neal smiled at his boyfriend sadly. "I swear, Neal. I swear I won't do it again."

"Don't get yourself worked up over this," Neal whispered. "I know you didn't want to hurt _me._ I'm sorry that he hurt you so much, but I promise I won't do any of those things to you."

It took several minutes before Peter felt comfortable with Neal again and Neal was more than willing to wait. He'd been abused, so he understood that Peter would need time. Granted, Peter was sexually abused to the point where Peter knew it was rape, but Neal understood that Peter would need his own time to heal. Despite having been together for several months by this point, Peter was still affected by everything Damien had done to him in the six years that they were together. It was going to take a lot of time to get Peter through this. Peter is helping him and he wanted nothing more than to help Peter in return. This was just one long exercise of patience and understanding that they were partaking in between themselves.

Peter was lying on his back at Neal's request and Neal was preparing to give his first blowjob. "Neal, don't hurt yourself, okay?" Neal nodded, giving him a small smile. Peter's cock was intimidating, but he was determined to do this. Leaning forward, the first thing Neal did was stick his tongue out and lick around the head, eliciting quiet moans of pleasure from the other man. Neal took his time because he honestly didn't know what he was doing. Peter's fingers were in his hair, but Peter wasn't applying any pressure to Neal's head at all.

Neal slowly took Peter's length into his mouth. Peter's fingers massaged his scalp and Neal actually liked having Peter's fingers in his hair. As he got into a little bit of a rhythm, he was beginning to like how Peter tasted, too, so that helped excite him. "Mmph," Neal groaned when Peter shifted on the bed and accidentally shoved himself further into Neal's mouth.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Peter said apologetically. Neal knew he was just trying to get comfortable and Peter didn't realize the move he made was going to affect Neal so drastically. He didn't stop sucking on Peter, but he rubbed Peter's thighs gently to let him know everything was okay. "Hon, can you look up at me?" Neal did that without stopping and he could see the arousal in Peter's eyes. Obviously, Peter liked eye contact during sex. Neal had no issue with that whatsoever. In fact, it was a pleasant feeling to see his boyfriend so aroused by and interested in him. "God… Neal, you are so hot..." he whispered.

Neal felt himself leaking come and he was half-tempted to stroke himself as he sucked on Peter, but Peter's hands were now over both of his on Peter's thighs. Neal eventually pulled away to breathe and he tentatively asked, "Am I doing okay?"

Peter smiled at him lovingly. "Absolutely." He wasn't going to tell Neal right now that he was using a little too much teeth. He wanted to go easy on his boyfriend because he's very aware that Neal has never done anything like this before. Besides, Peter had been bitten roughly more times than he can count when Damien gave him a blowjob. Neal's teeth gently grazed over his skin and he wasn't going to complain. "Do you want me to get you ready?" Neal nodded. "Have you ever had anything in your ass?"

"No, but I did cleanse like you asked me to," Neal said honestly. "I've never even thought about fingering myself if you want me to be really honest with you." Peter chuckled and Neal's face heated up. "Biggest virgin you know…" he muttered.

"My favorite virgin, who won't be a virgin much longer," Peter said sweetly. Neal relaxed as Peter guided him, turning him around so they were in a sixty-nine position. He knew what Peter was going to do, but he was nervous. "Hon, relax. You're tense." Peter rubbed over Neal's ass slowly until Neal managed to calm down a bit. "Ready?" Neal nodded as he lowered his head to take Peter into his mouth again.

He was not prepared for the sensations that shot through him when Peter's tongue slid around his hole. He shuddered and Peter stopped when Neal let out a sound he'd never heard before. "H-Holy shit," Neal whispered.

Peter was rubbing over Neal's ass again and asked, "Did you not like that? I won't lick you if you don't want me to."

"No. That was good," Neal reassured him. "I didn't expect your tongue to feel so good down there."

Neal heard Peter chuckle. "Just wait until it's inside of you."

"Your tongue or your dick?"

Again, Peter chuckled. "Both, I guess. Just keep in mind that my tongue is slightly smaller." Neal rolled his eyes and, even though he was facing away from Peter, Peter said, "Don't roll your eyes, young man."

Snickering, Neal rested his head on Peter's stomach and said, "Yes, daddy." He felt Peter's cock jump at that and he was suddenly curious. "Want me to call you daddy in bed?"

Peter was hesitant to answer, but he eventually said, "I don't know. I kind of liked it, but I'm only about six years older than you and I know it's weird…"

Neal shrugged. "It's been sixteen years since the last time I called anyone daddy, so it really doesn't bother me." Peter thought this was the strangest conversation he and Neal have ever had. "Peter, it doesn't have to be an all-the-time kind of thing," he said gently. "Besides, I like saying your name. Occasionally, I can throw out a 'daddy,' but I like saying 'Peter' more."

"All right," Peter conceded. He'd called Damien 'daddy' before and he hadn't liked saying it, but he did it for Damien because he did everything for Damien. Now, he wasn't quite sure if he wanted to subject Neal to that. He believed Neal when Neal said it didn't bother him. It's been almost two decades since he'd seen his father. "When you say my name, can I request that you say 'Peter?'" Neal twisted to look over his shoulder and Peter knew what he was thinking. "My full name is what I'm asking for. I don't like Pete or Petey. I have a professor who calls me that and it honestly pisses me off."

"That's fair," Neal said. "Don't call me Nealie." Peter chuckled and Neal smacked his leg. "My mom used to call me Nealie when I was younger. I know I still call her mommy, but I don't like Nealie."

"Awe, but Nealie is so cute."

"So is Petey," Neal retorted, challenging Peter.

A few moments of silence passed between them and then they both laughed a little at the ridiculousness of the conversation during what should be an intimate moment between them. "All right. That's fair," he agreed. "No Nealie or Petey." They just smiled at each other for a moment and then Peter felt compelled to ask, "Are we using a condom? I have a few in the nightstand drawer just in case—not expired ones either."

Neal looked uncertain. "You said you're clean, right?" Peter nodded. "We don't have to use a condom if you don't want to. I know you said you like feeling my skin when we go to bed at night, so I don't see why we'd need a condom. I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of cheating on you because you're everything I want and need in my life."

Peter looked thrilled by that as he said, "That means a lot to me, Neal." It did mean a lot to him. He and Damien used condoms most of the time when they were together, but there were definitely times when they'd fucked without using one, which is why Peter is so surprised that he hadn't gotten any serious diseases from Damien's many, many sex partners. He's gotten himself checked a few times since getting together with Neal because he wanted to be sure that he wasn't putting Neal at risk for anything.

Neal began their sexual activities again when he lowered his head down onto Peter's cock and began to slowly bob his head up and down. Peter held Neal's ass as though it were precious—and he honestly thought it was—while licking around Neal's rim. He liked the sounds Neal was making and the way Neal arched his back and raised his ass a little.

Neal's sounds of pleasure were very feral when Peter's tongue was finally inside of Neal's hole and Peter honestly liked it.

Eventually, both men were ready. Peter's cock was lubricated with Neal's saliva and Neal's hole was lubricated with Peter's saliva and had been opened by Peter's fingers. "I'm scared," Neal admitted as he laid on his back and Peter hovered over him. Peter kissed him sweetly because he knew that very well in advance. He was going into this with Neal knowing that Neal's afraid, but he had every intention of alleviating Neal's fear—or fears.

"It'll be okay," Peter promised. "We're going to take it slow, hon. Just remember that you can tell me to stop or wait at any time and I'll comply without question. Anything you want or need, tell me. Don't hold back or keep quiet, okay?" Neal nodded. "No safe words or any of that bullshit. Stop, no, and wait are the only words I'll respond to immediately."

"What about harder and faster?"

Peter smirked. "Getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we?" He pressed kisses against Neal's forehead, nose, and lips before whispering, "Let's just take this nice and slow. It's not my intention to hurt you. Once your body gets used to being invaded, we can do whatever you want however you want."

Neal nodded and asked, "Should I be doing anything during this or am I just supposed to lie here?"

"Do whatever you want. I can't control your reactions or your feelings. Just…be natural." That didn't exactly comfort Neal because he wanted to actively participate with his boyfriend. "Are you ready?" Neal took a few moments to calm himself, to make sure he relaxed himself to make this easier on them both before he nodded. "Last chance to say you don't want to do this. I can't give your virginity back to you once I've taken it, Neal."

The younger man stared at his boyfriend and said, "Peter, all of your saliva is going to dry up inside of me unless you—"

"Okay, okay," Peter finally conceded. He stroked himself a couple more times before inhaling sharply. Neal was beginning to feel unnerved by how nervous _Peter_ is. The older man has been sexually active for about eight years, yet he was nervous. Neal kept his eyes on Peter's face as Peter pressed his cock against the entrance of Neal's hole. He met Neal's gaze and Neal gave him a reassuring smile.

When Peter began to push in, Neal made a quiet sound that had Peter pausing immediately. "I'm okay. Sorry." Peter kept watching him until he stroked the side of Peter's face. Peter relaxed and began to push into his boyfriend again. Neal was panting even though Peter took plenty of time to open him up. He kind of wished he'd spent time preparing himself for this when he was alone—like when Peter was in class in the evening.

Peter kept watching Neal's face as Neal closed his eyes and parted his lips. "Honey?" Neal lifted his hands and gripped Peter's shoulders, opening his eyes. Peter tentatively pushed into Neal further and further and he could see Neal's pain in Neal's eyes. However, he didn't stop because Neal's fingers tangled in his hair and Neal's legs squeezed his hips. "Oh, God," Peter moaned when he was balls deep inside of his boyfriend. "You feel so damn good." He refocused on Neal and could see how uncomfortable Neal was. "What's wrong?"

The hesitation to answer made Peter extremely nervous because he didn't want to scar Neal emotionally for this—and he didn't know if he already had. "I'm not sure how to describe what I'm feeling," Neal admitted. "I mean, it isn't bad. I just don't know what to say about it that will make sense." Peter's brows furrowed. "I feel…full. It's really strange and it kind of hurts."

"Do you want me to pull out?" Neal shook his head. "What do you want me to do, honey?"

Neal arched up a bit and kissed the older man, whispering, "Make love to me."

Hesitantly, Peter did as Neal asked. He slowly pulled out and pushed back into him. Neal moaned and spread his legs a little further apart. "You okay?" he asked as he kept moving at a decent pace, making sure he didn't hurt Neal more than was necessary.

"Oh, hell yes," Neal groaned. His hands were back on Peter's shoulders and Peter liked the fact that Neal's fingernails were pressing into his skin. Neal gasped when Peter hit his prostate. It felt so wonderful and so strange at the same time. All he knew is that he didn't want this to stop—didn't want these sensations to stop. He'd been so afraid of having Peter inside of his body and now he felt ridiculous for expressing that fear because this was yet another thing that felt right between the two of them. Their first kiss felt right and now their first time sexually felt just the same.

Peter smiled a little as he watched Neal's expression. He looked pleased and like he was in ecstasy. That was his goal for tonight. He leaned forward to kiss the younger man as he continued rocking against Neal's body, taking him. In a way, he was glad he was Neal's first. Neal went through a lot and Peter was grateful for the fact that his sexual life wasn't jeopardized by an awful experience. "Talk to me, lover."

"Feels so good," he panted. He stared up at Peter so Peter could see that he was enjoying this. It still hurt and felt uncomfortable, but he liked everything Peter was doing. "Can I ask you to go harder?"

"Are you sure you want to?"

"Yes," Neal said breathlessly. Peter did as Neal asked and sped up a bit, thrusting deeper into his boyfriend and kissing Neal repeatedly to make sure he kept Neal relaxed with an additional kind of intimacy. As he kissed the younger man, he knew Neal was pouring all of his love into it. Neal's tongue slid into Peter's mouth and Peter was actually impressed by that.

In return for Neal's efforts, Peter sucked on Neal's tongue without pausing in their lovemaking. He wasn't getting rough with Neal, but he was making love to him faster and harder than he'd initially intended. "I love you," he whispered when they separated for breath. He nipped at Neal's throat gently and loved when Neal's back arched and he pressed his sweaty chest against Peter's. "Neal, I love you so much."

Neal passionately whispered, "I love you so much, Peter Burke." He made small noises of pleasure and pain as Peter kissed his throat and, eventually, he said, "Peter. Peter." Peter froze for a moment at the urgency in Neal's voice. "Question—can we flip?" He was staring up at Peter lustfully and Peter was looking back at him curiously. "Can I sit on top of you?"

"I don't know if that's the best idea right now…"

"Please?"

Peter wanted to tell him that he wasn't ready for that yet because this was the first time he's had anything inside of him, but he'd do anything Neal asked of him. Quickly, he rolled them over and found himself staring up at the most beautiful man he's ever seen. He glanced at Neal's midsection and watched Neal's erect cock bounce as Neal began to do so himself. When Neal started to reach for his own length, Peter grabbed his hand. "Don't," he pleaded. "Come without touching yourself." Neal nodded without argument and arched over Peter to kiss him while moving his hips in ways he didn't realize he could.

Nearly thirty-five minutes into their lovemaking, Neal's sounds became very erratic and he kept whispering, "Peter, Peter, Peter. Oh God, Peter." Up until this point, Neal's hands had been planted into the pillows on either side of Peter's head, but Peter wanted to bring Neal closer now. Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and held him close, thrusting up into him because he wanted to bring Neal over the edge. Neal let out a quiet cry, before yelling, "Peter!" He undulated above Peter as he came on Peter's chest.

Peter kept thrusting until Neal was trembling above him and crying. He stopped immediately and made Neal sit up a little. "Holy shit. Did I hurt you?" Neal shook his head. "Sweetheart, why are you crying? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Neal said as he laughed despite his tears. "That was better than I thought it would be." He wiped his face off and stared at Peter with a smile on his face. Peter laughed a little himself, rubbing his hands over Neal's hips and thighs. He was trying to keep in mind that Neal cut himself recently and was healing. "After everything you told me about your first time, I was so scared." He laughed at himself and said, "I was worried for nothing. It was a little uncomfortable to start and then I just…adjusted to you and it felt good to have you inside of me."

The older man was more relieved than he could ever express. He watched Neal cry happily and it warmed Peter's heart. He'd been afraid of making Neal's first time terrible, so this was better than he expected, too. "I'm glad to hear that, honey. I wanted to make you feel good."

Neal rested his hands atop Peter's and smiled down at them. "You forgot one thing though." Peter made a sound of question. "It isn't over until you come, too." Peter rolled his eyes. "Please? I want to feel that, too."

As if Peter would ever deny Neal anything… He scooped Neal's come off of his chest and licked it off of his fingers before flipping them over again. He began to thrust into his boyfriend, trying to bring himself off as quickly as he could. Honestly, Neal made it easy by tightening around him. In a matter of moments, Peter was crying out Neal's name—not for the first time—and spurting his warmth into the younger man's body.

Both men moaned simultaneously. "Can I be completely honest with you?" Neal made an incoherent sound when Peter tentatively separated their bodies and shifted to lie down beside him. "I've been sexually active since I was eighteen years old and I'm certain that making love to you is the best sex I've ever had." Neal's eyes were closed, but Peter saw him smile and watched Neal twist onto his side so he could curl up against Peter. "You're beautiful, you're warm, you're sweet… You told me you love me, kissed me, and touched me lovingly…"

"You made physical love to me," Neal whispered, "and I made emotional love to you."

Peter rubbed Neal's back as he laid on his own back and watched Neal wiggle around a little until his head was on Peter's chest and his right arm and leg was draped over Peter's body. "Happy birthday, my love," he whispered as he rested his hand over the hand Neal placed on his heart.

The last thing he saw before succumbing to his sleep was Neal's small, happy smile.

•◊•

As soon as Peter woke up the next morning, he didn't feel like going to work. In fact, he didn't feel like waking his sleeping angel. Neal was lying on his stomach and they'd somehow switched sides of the bed in their sleep. He wondered how the hell they managed that, but he did like that Neal's promise ring was at the center of his chest now. It felt damn near close to being a wedding ring, but it meant that much already.

While he was smiling at the naked, sleeping man, he startled as his phone began to ring. "Fucking hell," he whispered as he nearly lunged over Neal to grab his phone. He looked at the caller ID and groaned. As he answered, he said, "Good morning, dad."

" _Good morning. I apologize for not coming over to wish Neal a happy birthday, but I remembered that you two had a…busy night._ "

Peter rolled his eyes and slid out of bed, readjusting the blanket so it covered his boyfriend. He didn't bother with getting dressed as he left the bedroom. "Yes, we did."

There was brief pause and then Jon said, " _Well? How did it go?_ "

"He loved the promise ring I gave him. I made him cake and we ate it with his mother. We thought about saving a piece for you, but we ended up sharing the last piece with each other after Natalie left."

Again, there was another pause. " _And the sex?_ "

"Dad, you only recently began to like Neal. I don't think you and I are at that stage where we can talk about my sex life." Jon harrumphed on the other end and Peter rolled his eyes. "You want to hear about my gay sex life because you don't have a sex life of your own?"

" _I'd rather listen to you than your brother._ " Peter tensed because he knew what his father was implying. " _He left his wife and brought his daughter last night, so he's crashing here…_ "

Peter shook his head and growled, "I don't understand why you don't just tell him to man the hell up. He's the pig who cheated on her while she was pregnant." Peter could remember the very last conversation he had with his brother and it wasn't pleasant. "That bastard has the audacity to tell me my sexuality is problematic to society, but he can't keep his holier than thou dick in his pants for two seconds."

Jon sighed. " _I know you two aren't really…close right now, but could you come over and visit?_ "

"Now, why the hell would I want to do that? If I wanted to be criticized for being a—and I quote—cock-sucking ass-eater, I would walk into the most religious area I could find so they can tell me my sexual lifestyle is a sin." Jon sighed again. "I don't want to see him. He's never accepted me for who I am and I don't like the person he's become, dad. I highly doubt he'd want to see me anyway after the way we parted."

" _I think he's changed a little…_ "

"It's been eight years. I have neither seen nor spoken to that jackass since the day I graduated high school." Jon made an understanding sound because he remembered being there when his sons erupted in fury. "If Christopher wants to see me, he can come here and prove to me that he's not as much of a prick as I think he is."

Jon sighed once more. " _You know how he'll feel when he sees—_ "

Peter snapped, "Dad, if he can't accept the fact that his younger brother is gay, I honestly don't care if I ever see him again. I have you and I had mom. I don't need him and I'm not seeking out his approval. I'm happy with my life and he's fucking his up." Neal was standing in the doorway of their bedroom, staring at Peter's tense back as he listened to Peter speak to his father. He knew Peter's brother didn't accept Peter, but Peter hadn't gone into a whole lot of detail about his brother. "You were there that day. You heard exactly what he thinks of me, dad. Mom would have kicked his ass if she were alive to hear that bullshit spewing from his mouth."

Neal didn't like how angry his boyfriend was, so he silently neared him and wrapped his arms around him the second he was close enough. Peter seemed to instantly relax as he rested his left hand over both of Neal's as they rested over Peter's abdomen. "I love you," Neal whispered.

The older man squeezed Neal's fingers to let him know that he felt the same way. "Dad, tell him to grow up. He needs to learn that he can't keep running back to you when he sticks his dick where it doesn't belong. Isn't this going to be the third time he's cheated on Elizabeth?" Peter was quiet for a moment and sighed. "That's unfair. Of course I want to see my niece. I've only seen pictures you've sent me in the last three years."

After a few moments, Peter groaned. "Relax," Neal said softly, kissing Peter's shoulder. He was trying to calm his lover down because he knew how upsetting the situation was between Peter and his brother. He wished he could help somehow.

"I'll come over, but I'm not speaking to him. I'm only going because I want to actually meet Bailey." Peter glanced over his shoulder, placed his hand over the phone, and whispered, "Do you want to meet my niece with me?" Neal nodded. Peter supported him through a lot. The least he could do was visit Peter's family with Peter. "Neal and I have to get ready for work. My classes were canceled, so we could stop by around…six?" He looked at Neal and Neal nodded. "We'll come over around six." Peter was nodding and said, "Okay. Yeah. Okay, dad... I love you, too. See you later."

Peter hung up and tossed his phone towards the couch. "You okay?"

"Not really. I hoped he'd stay away from here because he hates me so much." Neal moved around to stand in front of Peter. His arms were still around Peter's midsection and he was staring up at Peter's face. "I don't care if he slanders me for being gay. I'm going to be the better man tonight and ignore his ignorant remarks. I have never met my niece, but I want to. I'm only going so I can meet her."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Neal said softly. "I'm on your side no matter what."

Peter gave him a sad smile and said, "Well, prepare for war." He kissed Neal's forehead and whispered, "Tonight, we dine in hell."


	13. Chapter 13

The drive to Jon's place was quiet and Neal could feel the tension building up in his boyfriend. He wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to help Peter with this. He couldn't prevent Peter's brother from slandering him—or them—and he didn't know if his own presence would aggravate the tension between Peter and his brother. "Peter, would you rather go without me?" He watched Peter grip the steering wheel tighter and he swallowed hard. "I'm not saying I don't want to go. I just… Would it be easier for you to go alone? I don't want to complicate things."

"No," Peter snapped. Neal flinched, but he didn't say anything. "He's going to see you—that you and I are together. I refuse to pretend I'm straight just to please him. I did that for my parents and they eventually made me realize that I didn't have to pretend anymore." He calmed down and reached over to run his fingers through Neal's hair. "I told my mom first and she responded beautifully even though I was on the verge of tears. Telling my dad scared me because I thought he was homophobic, but he proved me wrong when he told me he didn't have an issue with it because he just wanted to see me happy." Neal smiled a little. "Chris is four years older than me and he can't accept my sexuality. I came out to him when it was the two of us and my dad. He laughed because he thought I was kidding."

"I'm sorry," Neal said quietly.

Peter shook his head. "Don't apologize for things you didn't do," Peter whispered. "My parents love me and accept me. I know my mom would love you if she had the chance to meet you, honey. Before Damien and I got together, I told her what I wanted in a man and she just encouraged me to open up as much as I wanted to." Peter sighed quietly and said, "I realize now that I wasn't describing Damien. When I told her what kind of man I wanted, I was describing you." Neal's brows furrowed a bit. "You're what I've always wanted, Neal. Since I discovered my own sexuality, you're the kind of man I wanted in my life."

When the older man glanced at Neal, Neal smiled appreciatively. "Well, you don't have to look for another man to fit the bill as long as I don't do something that makes you want to leave me." Peter slid his hand over to Neal's shoulder as he focused on the road again. He began to rub Neal's shoulder and Neal knew what he was doing. "I know you love me. I don't doubt that at all. I just feel like I'm going to cause some huge issue that we can't overcome together."

"I don't think so," Peter said softly. "I have no intention of walking away from what we have. I gave you that promise ring for a reason, hon. I'm promising you a future. I'm promising you a future where we're married and have little Burke or Caffrey-Burke children running around the apartment—or house—to drive us crazy." Neal grinned at that. Peter looked over at him and said, "See? You want that future with me, Neal." He slid his hand down to Neal's and intertwined their fingers. "I want to be with you." As he pulled into his father's driveway, he sighed and whispered, "I won't let anyone make me think otherwise."

Both men climbed out of the car and walked over to the front door together. Before Peter could knock on the door, Neal grabbed his hand. Peter gave him a look of question. "Before we go in, I'm here for you," he whispered. "If you're angry or upset, I'm here. You don't have to deal with your brother alone, okay? The two of us can go into a private area and talk your frustrations out—or we can go home and do that, too."

"Thanks, lover. I appreciate that more than I can tell you." Peter initiated a kiss with Neal, sliding his arms around Neal's waist. He loved Neal immensely and was eternally grateful for the headshot that brought them together.

Peter thrust his tongue into Neal's mouth and Neal was a willing recipient—until the door opened and Neal accidentally bit his tongue. Peter made a slight sound of pain and Neal felt terrible. If Peter hadn't kept one arm around him, he'd think Peter was upset with him. "Are you two planning on coming in?"

Rolling his eyes at his father, Peter said, "Yes, dad." He led Neal inside and took Neal's jacket from him. As soon as Peter hung up their jackets in the designated area, a little girl with blonde hair and big, blue eyes came cruising into the hall. Peter turned and Neal watched his face light up as the girl froze and stared at him. "Hi, Bailey," he said softly.

"Who are you?" she asked him quietly.

"I'm your uncle—Uncle Peter. Your dad is my big brother."

She looked up at Neal and her face lit up as she neared him. "You're pretty." Peter chuckled as Neal's face heated up. "Are you a boy?"

"Yes," Neal said quietly. "I'm Uncle Peter's boyfriend." She giggled at him and held her hand out towards him. Neal gave Peter a look of confusion and Peter just encouraged him to roll with it. He took the little girl's hand and she pulled him along, leading him into the living room.

Peter and Jon stood in the hall and chuckled. "She'll warm up to you, son."

"I'm just glad she likes Neal."

The two men listened to Bailey talk about some dolls she had. "This is Ken," she said as she held a Ken doll up. "He looks like you." Peter moved into the living room archway and watched his boyfriend and niece. "He's not as pretty as you though."

Neal reached out and picked up a blonde Barbie doll and said, "This one looks like you," he said animatedly, "but you're definitely prettier." She giggled at him and Peter was mesmerized by their interaction.

"Ken, will you play with me?" Neal didn't respond because he thought she was referring to the doll. He realized she was talking to him when she nudged him and said, "Ken? Play with me?"

Grinning and laughing a little, Neal said, "I'm Neal, sweetheart." She giggled at him again. "I'll play with you though." He handed the Barbie doll to her when she gave him the Ken doll and Peter stood there as he watched Neal play with her. He'd never seen Neal like this before, but that was because he'd never seen Neal interact with a child before. It warmed his heart and excited him when he thought about having children with Neal.

When someone came down the stairs, Peter straightened up and saw his brother. He thought Chris looked like absolute shit—and not because he's bitter since Chris slandered the hell out of him. Chris looked like a drug addict. "I'm surprised you actually showed up."

"I didn't come for you," Peter said quietly. "I came to see my niece."

Chris's brows furrowed when he heard an unknown voice talking with his daughter. "Who the hell is that?" he snarled as he made a move towards the living room. Peter shoved him back and that made Chris angrier. "You're letting some random asshole hang out with _my_ daughter?"

Peter attempted to control himself as he said, "He's my boyfriend and she wanted to play with him." Peter saw the disgust on Chris's face and he didn't particularly care for it. "He isn't going to hurt her, Chris."

"How do you know? Aren't all gay men pedophiles?" Peter bristled at that and wished his father would come back to drag Chris away from him before Peter killed him. "I don't want him near my daughter, Peter. I want him to leave."

"This isn't your house," Peter snapped. "Dad invited us over— _us._ I wanted to see my niece for the first time and I wanted to bring my boyfriend with me." Chris made another disgusting expression, but there was a sound of disgust to go along with it. "My boyfriend isn't a pedophile and gay men aren't all pedophiles either."

Chris shoved past his younger brother and went into the living room, demanding, "Get away from my daughter right now." Neal startled and looked up at him. "Get away from her!"

Before Neal could scramble to get up, Bailey jumped into Neal's lap and said, "Neal is playing, daddy." Neal swallowed hard as he watched Peter's brother. "I like Neal. He's nice. He's pretty, too."

Peter tensed and Chris laughed. "That's because _Neal_ is a _fag,_ Bail."

"Christopher Owen Burke!" Jon snarled as he came into the living room. "We do _not_ use that kind of language within these walls." Neal wrapped his arms around Bailey and thought about taking her into another room to get her away from the three who were obviously going to erupt into argument. "What kind of example are you setting for your daughter? I know I never taught you that word—nor did your mother."

"Dad, you know that's what they are! What kind of man," he said as he gestured at Neal, "lets someone fuck him in the ass for fun?"

"Neal, get Bailey out of here," Peter growled as he glared at his brother.

Neal didn't argue with his boyfriend. He shifted Bailey in his arms and picked her up, taking her towards the kitchen quickly. "My daddy says that word a lot," she said sadly. "What does it mean?"

"It's, uh…" He set her down on the countertop and she stared up at him expectantly. "It's a mean way to describe two boys who are…boyfriends." He had no idea if he made sense to her or not, but she nodded anyway. "What do you think of your Uncle Peter?"

"He's okay." Neal chuckled, but he knew Bailey didn't have the best of impressions just yet since Peter was fighting with her father. "What do you think of him?"

Neal had a lot of thoughts regarding Peter that weren't exactly appropriate to tell a three year old. "He's really, really nice," he said softly as he heard Peter raising his voice in the other room as Chris did the same. He was trying to tune them out and hoped he was distracting Peter's niece. "I think he's cute and I love him." She giggled at him. "You said you think I'm pretty. Your uncle is really cute to me."

Bailey smiled up at him and held his left hand. She was playing with his ring as she said, "He loves you, too." Neal furrowed his brows. "Daddy gave mommy a ring like this because he said he loves her."

Smiling a little, Neal nodded. He couldn't argue with that. "He loves me a lot and I know he'll love you, too."

After a few minutes of talking to Peter's niece, Peter stormed into the kitchen and immediately wrapped his arms around Neal, resting his head on Neal's shoulder. "Dad's talking to him…" He kissed Neal's shoulder and whispered, "I'm sorry for demanding that you leave like that… I love you, honey."

"His name's Neal!" Bailey corrected him.

Peter chuckled and nodded. "You're right. Do you like Neal?" She nodded excitedly. "Neal's going to be your uncle someday, too." Her eyes widened and she looked overjoyed by that. Neal grinned at his boyfriend and kissed him when Peter shifted and leaned towards him. Bailey watched them as they only kissed for a few moments. "I love Neal," Peter told her, "and I'm really glad you like him. I want to marry him and make him your uncle, too."

Neal laughed as Bailey began to clap. Both men felt like she didn't really grasp what he was saying, but she seemed to understand enough. "I love Uncle Neal!"

Peter stroked her hair gently and smiled softly at her before meeting Neal's gaze. He gave Neal a small nod of approval and Neal chuckled quietly before saying, "Uncle Neal loves Bailey, too."

After a few minutes, Peter pulled Bailey off of the countertop and carried her back into the living room with Neal trailing behind him. Jon and Chris were sitting in separate armchairs, but both men looked equally angry as they looked away from each other. When Jon realized Peter, Neal, and Bailey had come into the room, he perked up a bit. "Is that my little princess?" Jon said softly when Peter set Bailey down. She giggled at her grandfather before darting over to him. "It _is_ my little princess! Hello, beautiful."

Chris glanced up at Neal and watched him while Peter was focused on Chris. Neal was smiling at the interaction between Jon and Bailey because he could see how much they loved each other. As Chris was about to say something to Neal, Peter growled, "Don't you dare say one more negative thing about him, Chris."

Neal glanced at Peter in confusion before he looked at Peter's brother. Chris glared at Peter and then said, "Neal, would I be able to talk to you in private?"

Peter was going to answer aggressively until Neal put his left hand over Peter's heart, intentionally rubbing his promise ring over Peter's chest. Instantly, Peter calmed down. He sighed and looked at his boyfriend for a few moments before murmuring, "I'm going to regret that damn ring soon enough." Neal gave him a small smile because he knew acknowledging their relationship using the ring meant a lot to Peter. He rested his left hand over Neal's before pecking his lips.

"Yeah, Christopher," he said a few moments later once he knew Peter wasn't going to explode. Chris stood up and Peter tensed in front of Neal. Neal rubbed the ring over Peter's chest a few more times, kissed his lips, and whispered, "Don't worry. It'll be okay." Peter watched Chris lead Neal out of the living room and he worried. He didn't want Chris to say something that would upset Neal to the point where he cut himself again.

In the kitchen, Chris stood in front of the kitchen window and looked out at the snow that was falling outside. Neal was beginning to feel awkward when the silence continued, but Chris turned a little and said, "I wanted to apologize for what I said about you earlier."

Neal swallowed before asking, "The part about me being a pedophile or when you called me a fag who likes having a dick in my ass for fun in front of your daughter?"

Chris grimaced. "I didn't realize you heard the first part." Neal raised an eyebrow. "Both parts," he admitted. "I know nothing about you, so it was wrong of me to view you in such a negative light."

"Let me ask you this. Why can't you accept that your brother is gay, Christopher?"

The older man was silent for a few moments. "Because I don't want him to die of AIDS or something like that. I went to a religious school that wasn't very…open-minded and I was taught to reject everything regarding the sexual activities of homosexuals. I chose to look at my brother as someone who didn't regret sinning. He went to that same school and somehow believes everything he does isn't wrong."

Neal nodded slightly and said, "Well, I guess that explains why Peter isn't religious whatsoever." Chris sighed. "He's your brother. You grew up with him, loved him, played with him… You only had each other, but you turned your back on him and judged him wrongfully. If you want to go down that religious path, God is the only one who can rightfully judge us. You do not have that same right."

"Don't tell me my judgments were made wrongfully," Chris snapped. Neal didn't flinch because Chris didn't intimidate him at all. Peter only intimidated him because he loves Peter, wants Peter to be happy, and hates when Peter isn't happy. Chris, on the other hand, meant next to nothing to Neal at this very moment. "I'm allowed to form my own opinion and I wholeheartedly believe homosexuals like you and my brother are the reason we have so many problems in the world. Divorce and—"

"This is coming from the man who cheats on his wife," Neal interjected. "You have no right to claim homosexuals make problems in your world when you're the one who can't control himself." Chris bristled at that and Neal knew he was really pushing it right now. "If people get divorced, it's because there are problems within their relationship that can't be resolved or that they don't want to resolve. What Peter and I do in our bed has absolutely no influence whatsoever on what other people are doing."

Chris growled, "Your sins are affecting everyone!"

Neal raised an eyebrow. He knew he was naïve about pretty much everything—up until last night anyway—but he knew that being around Chris for an extended period of time would be toxic. "You know, it's a wonder why Peter hates the very thought of you." Unbeknownst to Neal, Peter had come into the kitchen and was standing a short distance away from his boyfriend. "Peter's a wonderful man and it's a damn shame you can't see past the fact that he's gay." Chris chose to say nothing as he glared at his brother's boyfriend. While Chris was facing Peter, he hadn't noticed that Peter was present just yet. "We have sex and so does pretty much every couple in the God damn world. Gay, straight, bi, pansexual—whatever. Every one of those sexualities is defined by our sexual preferences, but it is not defined by who we are as a _human being._ Peter's a good, loving, kind, and generous man and he's gay. My mother is a straight woman and she has more love in her heart than I suspect you have ever had in yours. I know a woman who's pansexual and she's such a wonderful woman. What difference does sexuality make if you're a shitty human being?"

Chris glanced away from Neal and noticed his brother and father standing in the background a bit. "That was spoken to absolute perfection," Jon complimented. Neal spun and realized that the other two men were in the room. Both of them were smiling at him.

Peter neared his boyfriend and embraced him tightly, whispering, "Thank you," in his ear before kissing his cheek.

A short while later, Jon and Chris were in the kitchen working on dinner. Neal, Peter, and Bailey were in the living room. Peter was watching hockey and his boyfriend and niece alternatively. The game was interesting, but he loved watching Neal with Bailey. He thought it was adorable, seeing Neal play with Bailey's dolls without a care in the world.

Peter glanced at the window and watched another car pull into the driveway. He sat up straighter and glanced at his niece before getting up off of the couch. Neal watched Peter go for the door and his brows furrowed as Peter opened it and a woman with dark hair came inside. "I wasn't expecting to see you here," she said to Peter before giving him a hug. "I thought that was your car outside. It's so good to see you, sweetheart."

"It's good to see you, too. You're still just as beautiful as you were the last time I saw you." She grinned at him before patting his cheek appreciatively. When she glanced into the living room upon hearing her daughter laugh, she saw Neal in the room. She gave Peter a look of confusion. "That's my boyfriend."

Despite being married to Peter's brother, she held no vendetta against Peter and his sexuality. Before she was told that Peter is gay and that Chris didn't want their family to associate with Peter anymore, she'd run to him for help. Chris was an ill-mannered and temperamental husband. When she'd been pregnant, she spent quite a bit of time with Peter. She'd even begun to fall in love with the other man, which she knew was wrong. Not only is Peter gay, but he's her husband's brother. "He can't be gay," she said teasingly, smiling up at Peter. He rolled his eyes in response. "All the good looking guys are gay nowadays."

"That makes it easier for the unattractive gay guys like me," Peter muttered. He cried out when he was hit by one of Bailey's toys. At first, he thought his niece threw it, but the aim was too perfect for her. Neal was glaring at him and Peter gave him a sheepish smile.

"Obviously, the boyfriend thinks otherwise." She went into the room Neal and Bailey were playing in and said, "Hi. I'm Elizabeth—Bailey's mom."

Neal held his hand out towards her and she shook it happily. "I'm Neal. It's a pleasure to meet you—and your daughter."

Elizabeth grinned at him. "I'm surprised that she's behaving with you. I had a friend over recently and Bailey refused to go anywhere near him even though he wanted to play with her just like you are right now." Peter's chest swelled with pride because _his_ boyfriend _is_ the one he wants to have children with. Neal, as far as Peter was concerned, is good with kids. They'd both just met Bailey for the first time and Neal was already playing with her—at her request. "I'm really surprised that she's letting you use her dolls. She wouldn't even share them with one of her own friends."

Bailey smiled up at her mother and said, "Mommy!" Elizabeth focused on her daughter and smiled at her. "Uncle Neal looks like Ken!" She pointed at the doll Neal was holding and Elizabeth could see why Bailey liked Neal. Bailey is in love with Ken, so no doubt she'd formed a crush of some sort on Neal.

"Well, I think Uncle Neal is better than Ken, sweetie." Neal couldn't help smiling when Elizabeth indulged her daughter. He wasn't entirely sure if being 'Uncle Neal' was welcome yet, but Elizabeth didn't seem to have an issue with that. "Bailey, mommy's going to talk to Uncle Neal and Uncle Peter for a few minutes. Is that okay?"

The little girl gasped and then threw herself at Neal. Neal was taken aback by her reaction, but his arms slid around her little body nonetheless. "My Uncle Neal, mommy."

Elizabeth chuckled and Neal noticed the way Peter was looking at him. "Don't worry, sweetheart," Neal said softly. "I'll come back and play with you in a minute."

"But—"

"I promise, Bailey. I'll play with Ken when I come back." Bailey sighed and nodded, sliding off of Neal and onto the floor to pout. Neal smiled at her endearingly before kissing her hair.

Neal stood up and went into the hallway with Peter and Elizabeth. As soon as he joined the two, Elizabeth said, "I hope to God that you plan on marrying this one, Peter Burke!" Peter chuckled and glanced at Neal, giving him a loving smile. Neal moved closer to him and side-hugged him. "I like you, Neal, and the fact that Bailey likes you says a lot, too."

"Is she hostile with others?"

Elizabeth nodded. "She's a little defensive of what belongs to her, so she can get aggressive." She sighed and said, "She's intelligent, but her behavior is unpredictable at times."

By the time dinner was ready, Chris was surprised to see Elizabeth had joined them. "Hi, honey," he said to her. Neal glanced at Peter and Peter's jaw was set firmly. Elizabeth looked at her husband, but she didn't greet him in kind. "I didn't realize you were going to be here."

"I didn't realize you felt like you could take Bailey," she snapped at him. "She's our daughter, Chris. You don't have the right to just take her away from me without talking to me about it."

Neal could see that Peter cared very much for Elizabeth despite not having seen her in a while. "I have that right as her father. Unless we divorce and you try to take me to court to have my rights stripped away, I have the right to take my daughter with me when I go somewhere."

Peter wanted to throw his own two cents into the mix, but he decided this was an issue the two of them needed to work through. Jonathan came into the room and said, "Christopher, sit down. Stop arguing with everyone." Chris obediently sat down and grumbled something under his breath that earned a smack to the back of his head from his father. "I agree with your wife, Christopher. You should have spoken to her about taking Bailey with you. Your mother and I always discussed things before you and Peter went to your grandparents' house."

"Well, mom is dead in case you forgot, dad. El and I aren't mom and you."

Jon tensed and Peter growled, "Don't talk to dad like that—not when it comes to mom." Neal rested a hand on Peter's arm and then he glanced at Bailey who looked a little scared.

"How could I forget, Christopher? Every time I see you, I see her. I loved your mother with all of my heart and I know she'd be disappointed in you if she were here to listen to you and see who you've become." Jon took his seat at the head of the table and lifted his left hand to hold Bailey's hand. "You're scaring your daughter, so let go of your unnecessary rage and shut up, Chris."

"You know, I really don't care what mom would think and I hate when you try to tell me how disappointed in me she would be. Mom's been dead for almost ten years, dad. I don't think a dead woman would give a damn about—"

Neal couldn't hold Peter back. Peter charged his brother and shoved him into the other room, slamming him against a wall. Frantically, Neal went into the other room and tried to pry Peter away from his brother. "Don't say another fucking word about mom," Peter snarled. "Everything you're saying is disrespectful and she _would_ be disgusted to see how much of an asshole her son became."

"Which one? The younger one or the older one?"

"Peter," Neal pleaded. "Peter, please. Come with me." He was tugging on Peter's arm in the hopes of getting the two men to separate. "Please." Peter shoved Chris one more time before letting go of him. He turned and looked at Neal fiercely. Neal stood his ground this time. He wasn't going to let Peter intimidate him when he hadn't done anything wrong. If caring about Peter too much was wrong, he still wouldn't stop caring.

Peter swallowed hard and then he calmed down, lifting his left hand to stroke Neal's jaw. Neal's small smile and the way Neal's eyes filled with love made Peter's heart skip several beats. "God, this is fucking disgusting," Chris said. "Two men. Ugh! Fags—that's what you two are, especially the woman of the relationship." He eyed Neal specifically then and Neal didn't particularly care what Chris thought of him. "Then again," he said, glancing at his brother, "you're allowing this little fag to tell you what to do."

Neal was pleading with his eyes and Peter hated that look. He hated that he made Neal look like that. He was worrying Neal. Not only was Neal afraid that Peter would do something he'd regret to his brother, but he was afraid of Peter turning against him. "At least he and I are faithful to each other—unlike you. We're monogamous and, as I seem to recall, you've cheated on your wife more than once."

Chris had no reply to that. Instead, Peter decided he wanted to get as far away from Chris as he could. "At least the sex I have is pure and sanctioned by God." Peter froze and Neal tried to pull him along. "Sodomy is a disgusting act that _isn't_ sanctioned. It's the most impure form of sex you could engage in. The fact that you're engaging in unsanctioned sex _with a man_ really doesn't help your case at all."

"At least I pleasure my boyfriend enough to make him orgasm," Peter said icily. Neal's face heated up a little and he could see how angry Chris became. "Sex, sanctioned by God or not, is something between two people. It's not supposed to be a selfish act in which only _you_ orgasm." He slid his arm around Neal's waist, kissed Neal's temple, and led Neal back to the dining room table.

Jon looked upset, holding his head in his hands while he rested his elbows on the table. Peter's heart broke when he saw that because his father never put his elbows on the table. "I don't know what happened to him, but that isn't my son. That man isn't my child."

Peter approached his father and rested his hand on Jon's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he whispered. He squeezed Jon's shoulder and said, "Neither you nor mom deserve that disrespect."

Jon lifted his hand and rested it over Peter's. "I love you, son. I really appreciate that you're the one who matured properly." Peter smiled a little when his father looked up at him. "I'm really proud of you. You're the kind of man I hoped you and your brother would be, but you're the only one who turned out all right."

"That's because I love and respect you and mom," Peter whispered. Jon squeezed Peter's fingers before letting go, allowing him and Neal to take their seats at the dinner table since Elizabeth politely dished their dinner out.

When Chris eventually came back into the dining room, Jon refused to look at him and Peter only glared at him. Neal warily watched his boyfriend, fearing Peter was going to leap across the table to attack Chris.

Fortunately, Peter managed to keep himself under control for the most part. He didn't say anything inappropriate in front of his niece because he didn't want to teach her that it was okay to be an asshole like her father. Neal and Elizabeth did the dishes after dinner, but only because Jon promised he'd keep the other two under control. Bailey stayed in the kitchen with her mother and Neal, but her arms were wrapped around Neal's leg. "Uncle Neal," she drawled.

"Yes, sweetheart?" he asked, glancing down at her.

"Will you play with me again before you go home?"

Neal smiled at the little girl. "Sure, Bailey. I'd love to play with you again." Elizabeth watched the two of them subtly and she couldn't help smiling. She'd met Damien before the issue with Chris and Peter erupted and she didn't like that man very much. Seeing that Peter left Damien and was now with Neal made her very happy because she likes how Neal treats her daughter. "You have really pretty dolls," he said as he went back to washing the dishes. She giggled at him and he grinned.

When Neal and Elizabeth went into the living room with the Burke men, Neal was honestly surprised to see that they hadn't killed each other. Swallowing a little, Neal moved to take a seat beside Peter. Much to his surprise, Peter didn't let him sit down. His arms wound around Neal's waist and Neal was sitting on Peter's lap before he knew it. Peter rested his head against Neal's and closed his eyes. "I love you so much."

Resting his hands atop Peter's, Neal whispered, "I love you just as much." Peter's arm nudged the cuts on Neal's stomach and Neal responded negatively to the touch immediately. Peter instantly moved his own arm and opened his eyes, looking up at Neal apologetically. Neal's jaw was set firmly as he tried to push the pain aside. He was surprised that Bailey hadn't done that when she was jumping all over him, but he felt bad because he knew Peter was upset with himself even though it was accidental. Neal rubbed Peter's hands gently to let him know he was fine.

A little later, Neal and Bailey were talking animatedly about her dolls because she wanted Neal to take Ken home with him. Neal froze when he felt Peter's erection beneath his ass. Peter was rubbing Neal's chest calmly, but Peter's erection meant he had other things on his mind. Playfully, Neal pretended he was shifting around to get comfortable, but he was purposely rubbing himself against Peter's clothed cock. Peter made a quiet sound behind him and Neal smiled a little to himself. "Bailey, honey, Uncle Peter needs to borrow Uncle Neal's attention for a few minutes." Bailey gave her uncle a look of despair and he quickly added, "I'll bring him back to you. I promise."

Reluctantly, Bailey slid away from Neal. "Okay…" she murmured. Neal jumped off of Peter's lap and Peter kissed his niece's forehead quickly, following Neal out of the living room with one glance at his father—who knew exactly what was going on considering he winked at Peter.

"Please tell me I can have you," Peter whispered to his boyfriend when they walked down the hall a bit.

"Why do you think I rubbed myself all over you?" Peter shivered and Neal grinned at him. "I'm yours for the taking," he whispered. Peter took Neal's hand and led him further down the hallway until they'd reached the bathroom. Neal raised an eyebrow and said, "Nothing in here is comfortable unless you want to make love to me in the bathtub." Peter gave him a look and Neal rolled his eyes. "I was thinking you'd shove me against a wall or the sink counter or something—not have sex with me in a bathtub."

"Well, I don't want someone to walk by and hear me banging you against the wall. I'm not going to shove you against the counter right now because of your stomach." Neal made a face of understanding then. "So…bathtub?"

Neal nodded and both men began to undress as soon as Peter locked the door. He felt awkward—having sex with his boyfriend in his father's house. He'd done it with Damien before, but he'd also been living with his father at the time. Thoughts of Damien and the past vanished as soon as Neal dropped to his knees and slowly began to suck on him. He was still using too much teeth, but Peter still didn't feel like complaining.

As soon as Neal pulled off to breathe, Neal whispered, "Am I still doing okay?" Peter nodded and smiled. "Is there anything I could do to make it better for you?"

Peter was deciding whether or not he should tell Neal about the teeth issue. He didn't want to hurt Neal's feelings and it wasn't like Neal was unleashing a great deal of pain upon him. All Neal did was scrape him a bit. "How deep could I thrust into your mouth?" he asked tentatively. Neal swallowed hard. "Never mind. It's okay, honey."

"Let me see how far you can go," Neal whispered. Peter nodded reluctantly and watched Neal take him back into his mouth. Neal slowly took him a little further until he gagged a little. Peter tried to pull away from him, but Neal gripped his hips and began to suck on him.

Peter didn't like this at all because Neal was hurting himself—and tears were sliding down his cheeks as well. "Neal. Neal, stop." As Neal had promised him the previous night, Neal immediately stopped and he sat back, releasing Peter's cock. He looked so disappointed when he glanced up at Peter's face, but Peter knew that disappointment was internal. Neal felt like he'd failed. "Please don't do that. You were gagging."

Neal frowned and looked away. "I bet you didn't mind shoving yourself down Damien's throat," he whispered. Peter tensed at that. Neal knows the sex between him and Damien was rough, but Peter didn't want that with Neal. He didn't want to purposely make Neal gag or purposely hurt Neal. Neal wasn't going to do that to him. "I'm sorry," Neal whispered brokenly after a few moments of silence. "I shouldn't have said that."

Sighing, Peter got down on his own knees in front of Neal. "Neal, I want things to be different with you. I love you in ways I've never loved anyone else before. The last thing I want to do is hurt you." He lifted his hand to stroke Neal's hair and whispered, "Besides, Damien threw up on me the first time he asked me to deepthroat him. That wasn't a very pleasant experience for either of us and I'd prefer it if I didn't make you throw up, too." Neal nodded. "I didn't stop you because I don't love you. I stopped you because I do love you, Neal, and I'd hate myself if I hurt you." He wiped Neal's tears away with his right hand and said, "Don't think you have to go to extremes to please me. When we made love last night, it was completely different from any of the sex I had with Damien. You and I took it slow and I could feel the love between us. Damien and I never had that kind of connection. He and I fucked. You and I made love."

"I'm sorry for upsetting you," Neal said quietly. "I love you a lot, Peter. I'd do anything for you."

"Hey. You did the one thing you said you'd do," Peter said with a small smile on his face. "I said stop and you stopped. That's also another thing that differs from my past experiences." Neal returned his boyfriend's smile, but Peter could see Neal's self-hatred in Neal's eyes. His smile was an attempt to cover it up, but Neal immediately gave himself away when he looked away from Peter and his eyes fixated on a razor. Neal quickly looked away and met Peter's gaze again, but Peter knew. "Don't you dare," Peter whispered fiercely. "You did nothing wrong. There's no reason to cut yourself." Neal closed his eyes and Peter sighed. "Neal, please. I don't want you to cut yourself again."

Neal shut his eyes tighter and whispered, "I want to do it so bad. I just want to grab that razor and do it." Peter pulled Neal up as he stood and then he held Neal against him, hugging him. He also turned Neal away from viewing the razor. "I want to please you and I'm not doing that. I'm upsetting you."

"And you feel like that's worth hurting yourself?" Neal opened his eyes before he began to cry a little. "What are you going to do to yourself when we actually have some kind of fight? I didn't yell at you or say anything cruel to you and you're so tempted to cut."

Peter slid his hand up and down Neal's back slowly, letting Neal cry against him. This was just like the first time he'd seen Neal cry. When he'd picked Neal up at the gas station the day he ran away, he'd been expecting to find Neal waiting to go to the mall with him. Like that day, the unexpected happened. He went to pick up Neal so they could go to the mall together and he'd come into the bathroom to make love to Neal, but that didn't happen. Neal cried in front of him in both instances, but he felt like he was at fault this time.

Neal eventually forced himself to calm down. He slid his own hand up Peter's back until he was gripping Peter's shoulder. "How can you stay with me when I'm like this? How can you stand here and hold me, knowing I'd cut myself again if you were to step away?"

"When you love someone, you're there for them through the good times and the bad." He kissed Neal's neck and whispered, "I want to be with you. I want to stand here with you. If standing here, holding you, is what I have to do to keep you from cutting yourself, I could stand here forever."

Needless to say, they didn't end up making love in Jon's bathroom. They redressed themselves and readjusted each other's clothes and hair. "I'm sorry that I kind of ruined the moment in here. When we get home, can we try again?"

Peter nodded and smiled a little. "We'll be in our big, warm bed rather than considering a cold bathtub, so yes." Neal chuckled quietly. "I think it'll be better later. You know I want you so much. My love for you drives me to want to pleasure you. Whether that's sexually or not, I just want to make you happy." Neal gave Peter one last hug before someone knocked on the door. Peter tensed because he didn't know who was on the other side.

"Uncle Neal? Uncle Peter?" Peter heaved a sigh of relief when he heard his niece's voice.

"We'll be right out, sweetheart," Peter promised her. Pulling back to look at Neal's face, Peter asked, "Can you promise me that you won't sneak off at any point tonight to cut yourself?"

Neal hesitated before nodding. "I promise. I promise I won't cut."

Peter looked so thrilled by that and Neal wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. "If you can refrain from cutting yourself, I'll make love to you very passionately." Neal raised an eyebrow. "I already made passionate love to you for the first time last night, but there are other things I can do…"

"I'm eager to see what these other things are," Neal whispered.

Initiating a gentle kiss with Neal for a few moments, Peter lightly proceeded to stroke Neal's jaw. "All right, my beautiful man. Let's get back out there. When Bailey falls asleep, we can leave. I don't want to be around my brother much longer." Neal nodded and followed Peter out of the bathroom, finding Bailey waiting for them a little ways down the hall.

"Uncle Neal!" Peter loved how much Bailey loves Neal. She darted down the hallway and Neal bent enough so he could scoop her up into his arms the second she was close enough. She was giggling in his arms as he smiled at her.

Peter was absolutely mesmerized when he watched the two of them because he could imagine a little child running towards Neal, yelling 'daddy' as loud as he could. "Peter's your uncle, too, you know," Neal teased. "He'd show you that he loves you if you'd go to him, too." Peter chuckled and Bailey glanced at him, smiling a moment later. She threw her arms out towards Peter and Peter gleefully took her into his own arms.

As Peter envisioned Neal holding a child of their own like this, Neal could envision his boyfriend doing the same. He knows Peter would be a good father and he couldn't wait to be a dad—with Peter. He'd never wanted this before Peter came into his life and changed his mind in the sweetest of ways.

Bailey yawned against Peter and Peter whispered, "Is somebody sleepy?" She shook her head even though it was obvious that she was getting tired. Peter smirked and headed into the living room with Neal trailing closely behind him. He carefully sat down on the couch and held his niece against him, watching her fall asleep in his arms.

Neal's heart warmed immensely as he watched Peter lift his hand to stroke Bailey's hair. He looked at his boyfriend's face and he could see this tender, sweet face Peter made when he looked at Neal or held Mozzie. He wanted to tell Peter that he was eager to be a dad, but it was still too early into their relationship for that. Besides, they wanted to get married before bringing children into their family.

Rubbing the promise ring on his left hand, Neal smiled and imagined Peter getting down on one knee in front of him when he least expected it. He planned on changing his name to Peter's, so he couldn't wait to become Neal Burke—and now he couldn't wait to bring a little Burke into their lives.

This was a future Neal wanted, a future he looked forward to.


	14. Chapter 14

Peter woke Neal up by kissing his neck. "Mm," Neal moaned as he turned over and opened his eyes to see his handsome boyfriend smiling down at him. "Good morning."

"Good morning, my love," Peter whispered. "As of today, we've been together long enough to have gone through an entire pregnancy." Neal laughed and rolled his eyes, shaking his head a moment later. "Hey, nine months is big," Peter said, pouting a little. "You've spent three fourths of a year with me romantically and that means a lot to me."

Neal's brows furrowed. "Why is nine months special? You were in a relationship for eight years."

Shrugging, Peter said, "It's just special because it's you." He tentatively stroked Neal's chest and whispered, "The fact that you still want to be with me means a lot."

Neal rolled over again so he could straddle Peter's waist. "Now why do you say that?" Peter frowned and looked away. Neal wasn't going to let him do this to himself. "Peter, you're perfect to me. I'm not going to cheat on you and I hope to God our relationship never ends. I love you so much and I appreciate you." Resting his left hand over Peter's heart, he rubbed his promise ring against Peter's skin. "I am not trying to hurt you by any means, so please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way." Peter looked at his boyfriend's face and Neal could see the fear in Peter's eyes. "Damien didn't deserve you. I wish you and Damien had never gotten together because he caused you so much pain—pain that you don't deserve. He cheated on you and made you think you were the problem, but he was the problem." Peter closed his eyes and listened to his boyfriend. "You were faithful to him even though he didn't deserve that faithfulness. He cheated on you because he didn't know just how wonderful it is to have you. Sure, he had you in sexual ways, but he didn't have you the way I have you." Leaning down to kiss Peter, Neal whispered, "I have your faith, your love, and you."

"You deserve me," Peter whispered. "You deserve someone who loves you with everything they have to offer."

"As do you," Neal said sincerely. "Don't thank me for being with you as long as I have been—as long as I hope to be with you. You have always deserved someone who'd treat you right." He ran his fingers through Peter's hair and whispered, "I know I'm not always the best boyfriend and I don't do everything right, but I know how much I love you." He smiled when Peter opened his eyes. When Peter stroked his thigh, Neal frowned. "I also know it's hard to believe me when I say I love you with all of my heart and that you make me incredibly happy considering I do this to myself," he said bitterly, gesturing at his cuts from a few days ago. He'd gone a couple weeks without harming himself and Peter was very proud of him, but he relapsed because he'd depressed himself. "I hope you know you aren't the reason I cut myself. You aren't doing anything wrong."

Peter looked like he was in pain as he asked, "Then why are you still cutting? I feel like I've said or done something that upsets you every single time you lock yourself in the bathroom."

Sighing, Neal whispered, "My brain hasn't caught up to my heart yet. My heart loves you and wants to stop hurting you, but my brain is being an asshole." Peter smiled sadly at his boyfriend. "I get myself into a bad mindset when I think about the past or when I begin considering scenarios in which I could fuck up our relationship. You haven't said or done anything that would make me cut myself. I can swear to you that you aren't responsible for anything I've—" He hesitated for a moment. "—done."

"What the hell was that supposed to mean?" Peter asked, suddenly sounding very angry. "Are you telling me I am responsible for some of your cuts?"

"No!" Neal insisted. "Please, don't think that."

"You paused when you told me I wasn't responsible for your cutting. What the hell was that?" Neal began to blink back tears and he tried to get away, but Peter gripped both of his wrists firmly. "Don't you dare try to run from me. Tell me what I did. You obviously hurt yourself because of me once—or twice." Neal shook his head and closed his eyes. He felt like an idiot for pausing because he honestly didn't blame Peter for anything he'd done to himself. Even when he'd harmed for two weeks straight because he felt like Peter could never love him, he didn't blame Peter for that. Peter hadn't known he was hurting himself nor had he demanded that Neal do something to hurt himself. "Tell me, damn it. Tell me what I did to make you cut."

Neal shook his head again and whispered, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pause. I didn't mean to make you think you did something wrong."

Much to Neal's surprise, Peter essentially threw him off of the bed and he landed on the floor as Peter got up. "Don't you dare lie to me. You've already lied too much, God damn it. I won't put up with that shit anymore." Neal stared up at him fearfully because he didn't know what Peter was going to do to him. "You lied when you told me you were faithful. You lied to me when you said you weren't sneaking around. You're still lying to me." Neal's brows furrowed as he listened to Peter. He suddenly felt like this wasn't directed at him even though Peter mentioned his cutting. "I gave myself to you and that wasn't good enough for you. What do I have to do to get you to stop _lying_ to me?"

When Peter finally looked at him, Neal could see that Peter wasn't talking to him. Peter's eyes were glossed over as though he were envisioning something—or someone else. "Peter," he said tentatively. "I'm not Damien. I'm not him." Peter immediately snapped out of it and he realized that he and Neal had gone from the bed to not being on the bed—or in Neal's case, lying on the floor. "What happened?"

"I-I… I don't know," Peter whispered. "Did you lie to me?"

"No," Neal said sincerely. "I'm so sorry for the pause. You aren't responsible for anything I've done to myself. Every cut I've made and scar I've left is the result of my own actions and thoughts. You have never asked me to cut myself, so there's no way you would be responsible for any of this."

Peter stared and him and whispered, "But I added to your painful thoughts and you ended up cutting yourself?" Neal swallowed hard, but he didn't look away. "When?"

"Before we got together," Neal said fearfully. "I… I spent a couple of weeks telling myself you could never love me and I made myself miserable. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't like you expressly told me that you would never love me. I…imposed those thoughts upon myself."

After a few moments, Peter gasped. "It was after Damien raped me, wasn't it?" Neal's eyes widened because he had no idea how Peter could piece all of that together considering there were a few months in between them meeting and getting together. It could've been any moment in that period of time, but Peter ended up figuring it out immediately. "Holy shit. It's because I said I wanted to have sex with you." Neal continued to stare up at him in amazement. Peter was more attentive than he thought Peter was. "You told yourself I just wanted to fuck you?"

Neal began to cry as Peter looked at him incredulously. "What was I supposed to think? I didn't know if you felt anything for me or not. All I did was intervene in the middle of you having—"

"I was being _raped,_ Neal."

"I came in too late!" Neal cried out. "I could have stopped him before he hurt you enough to send you to the hospital, but I thought you loved him since you were letting him fuck you. I didn't feel like I had the right to stop it and I didn't realize he was raping you, Peter. If I'd known that, I would've hurt him the second I opened the door and found you together." Peter watched Neal cry in front of him. His beautiful, naked angel was on the floor in front of him crying. It was honestly breaking his heart, but Neal didn't give off the impression that he wanted to be held. "I loved you then. I wanted to be with you so terribly, but I didn't have it in me to say anything because of everything I've done to myself and because I thought you were still in love with him." Neal pushed himself up a bit and wiped his tears away in frustration. "I cut myself a lot after that, but it wasn't your fault. I could've talked to you about it and I chose not to. I chose to harm myself, Peter. _I_ did—not _you._ "

Peter swallowed hard and nodded. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "If I'd just told you how I felt sooner, you wouldn't have hurt yourself…"

Neal shook his head. "I still harm myself, Peter. It's no fault of yours whether we're together or not. I'm the one who grabs the razor and slices my skin repeatedly. You've never—" Peter rushed past him and left the bedroom. Frantically, Neal stood up and followed him. He felt like he was going to lose Peter and he didn't want Peter thinking he was the one who made him cut himself. He followed Peter into the bathroom and watched Peter grab his own razor. Neal screeched, "Please don't!"

It didn't matter though. Peter cut his own thigh three times before Neal grabbed his wrist and hurt him enough to make him drop the razor before he embraced him tightly. Peter really fucking regretted doing that because it did hurt like hell. He wanted to feel how Neal felt and he didn't like it at all. In the end, he hurt himself more than he thought he would and he had Neal sobbing against him. "Jesus," he whispered. He wrapped his own arms around Neal and added, "Honey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"Please don't do that," Neal pleaded. "Don't. Just don't…" Peter understood why Neal was begging him not to cut. All it'd taken Neal was one cut before he continued adding to that first cut over the span of three years. Neal couldn't stop himself and he didn't want Peter to experience what he was feeling. "I can't let you do it…"

"I won't do it again," Peter promised. He had no idea how Neal could do this to himself for three years. Cutting his skin three times had him in agony.

When Neal managed to calm down, he took care of Peter's cuts since Peter always took care of his. After that, they sort of dressed themselves. They were sitting on the couch, watching the news, in their undershirts and boxers. Neal hadn't said a word since he'd last spoken in the bathroom and Peter understood how much he'd upset Neal by hurting himself. "Is that how you feel when I cut myself?" Neal finally asked when the news went to a commercial.

Peter looked at his boyfriend and nodded. "Not to put myself on a pedestal or anything, but I can control myself a little better." Neal wasn't going to argue that. Peter didn't go into hysterics and start crying like Neal had not too long ago. "It hurts me quite a bit when you cut yourself, but I understand why you reacted the way you did in the bathroom." Neal was curious to see what Peter thought of that. "Neal, you're used to feeling alone—like no one around you can empathize for you because no one you know cuts themselves. Seeing me do it was really hard on you, I guess, and I'm sorry for not taking into consideration the fact that you'd have such a strong reaction to it."

"I never thought I'd see anybody I love hurt themselves the way I hurt myself," Neal whispered, leaning against him. "I became addicted to hurting myself the moment I picked up the razor for the very first time with the intention of causing myself harm. I don't want you to go through that." Peter kissed Neal's hair and nodded silently. "I'm sorry for hurting you. I know how you feel now."

Just as Peter was going to pull Neal against him so they could lie down on the couch together, Peter's phone went off in their bedroom. He groaned and said, "God damn it."

Neal slid off of the couch and went to get Peter's phone. "Elizabeth is calling."

Peter sat up and held out his hand when Neal darted over to him. Within seconds, he answered, "Hey, El." He listened to her speak and Neal stood behind the couch, watching his reaction to whatever she was saying. "Um… I don't exactly have accommodations for that…" He sighed and said, "Let me ask Neal." Neal straightened up a bit when Peter glanced up at him and covered the phone with his hand. "Elizabeth and Chris are working on getting a divorce, I guess, and she's wondering if we could keep Bailey overnight."

"I don't see a problem with that," he said as he came around the couch to sit down beside Peter.

Peter nodded and moved his hand. "We can take her for the night." He nodded again. "Oh, wow. I'm so glad you called as you're pulling up to our apartment building, Elizabeth…" Neal heard her laugh a little and he watched Peter roll his eyes. "Do you want me to—?" He was silent for a moment before giving her the number of the apartment they were living in. He hung up seconds later and glanced at his boyfriend. "As much as I hate saying this, I think you should… You know…"

Neal watched Peter look down at his legs. Instantly, his face heated up. "I didn't even think about that," he whispered.

"I just don't want her to tell El and Chris that you have 'scratches' or something all over your legs. You're my boyfriend and I'm taking care of you. They don't need to get involved." Neal nodded. "I'm so sorry, honey. If I knew she wouldn't tell anyone else, I wouldn't ask you to cover up."

"I completely understand," Neal said quietly. "My feelings aren't hurt, so please don't beat yourself up. I don't want anyone else to know either, so…" They heard a knock on the door and Peter would've laughed at how fast Neal slid off of the couch and darted into their bedroom if it weren't because Neal had to hide his scars and cuts.

As he neared the door to open it, he realized his own cuts were showing. "Fuck," he whispered. Glancing down, he shifted his boxers a little lower so that they were covered for the moment. When El left, he'd put his pants on.

The second he opened the door, Bailey cried, "Uncle Peter!"

"Hello, sweetheart," Peter said softly.

"Mommy said we're having a sleepover!" Peter chuckled and nodded. She clapped excitedly. Peter just loved seeing his niece so happy. She made him want to adopt a child of his own… "Where's Uncle Neal?"

"Right here, Bailey," Neal said as he emerged from their bedroom. El wiggled her eyebrows at Peter and Peter rolled his eyes. She knew that was Peter's bedroom and watching Neal come out of it thrilled her. She liked Neal so much more than Damien. Not that there was a comparison because she didn't like Damien at all. The second she met him, she was disgusted by him. He'd smacked Peter's ass in front of her within a matter of moments. She realized she should've known Peter was gay after that 'display of affection.' At that particular time, she assumed it was a football thing boys did.

"Uncle Neal!" Bailey darted into the apartment and leapt up into Neal's waiting arms. He picked her up and spun her around to make her giggle.

El and Peter watched him, adoring the way Neal just eased into playing with her. "You'd better husband him up soon," El teased as she handed Peter the bag of toys and pajamas she brought for Bailey's overnight stay. "He's good with kids, he makes you happy, and he's not an arrogant asshole. I think he's perfect."

"As do I," Peter whispered. "I'm going to marry him." El looked at him, gaping happily. "Not yet, El. Jesus. We haven't even been together for a year yet…" She raised an eyebrow at him. "Not that getting married after several months is a bad thing…" Chris and El had been friends for a long time prior to getting together. They'd spent ten months in a romantic relationship before deciding that they wanted to get married.

"Well, it obviously is considering he and I are going to split," she whispered. "I think you and Neal will have a better chance though. He can't get pregnant." Peter gave her a questioning look. "Chris doesn't like my stretchmarks or that I haven't lost all of the weight I gained while carrying our daughter."

That pissed Peter off. "Let me come with you and I'll pound his face in for saying that shit to you." She rested her hand on his chest and sighed. Neal watched their interaction and wondered why they were closer than El and Chris—considering Chris is her husband and Peter is her husband's gay younger brother. "He's the religious fuckface who told you that you weren't going to use condoms when you had sex. If he didn't want to watch you progress through your pregnancy, he shouldn't have gotten you pregnant in the first place." Neal gaped at Peter and he was grateful for the fact that Bailey wasn't listening to them. "I love Bailey and I'm glad she's here, but Chris is an irresponsible asshole."

She nodded. "I won't argue with you on that. I've always wanted children, but I didn't realize he'd be a jackass throughout the pregnancy." She rubbed Peter's chest and Neal heard something about multiple miscarriages, which broke his heart because he thinks El is really sweet—and he absolutely loves Bailey. "I appreciate that you're willing to watch Bailey for me, Peter."

"It's honestly no trouble at all," he said softly. "She and Neal are getting along very well—and I love watching them." He glanced at his boyfriend and Neal couldn't help smiling a little. "Call me if you need me, okay? I'd be more than happy to kick his ass."

Chuckling, El said, "You've already gotten into enough trouble for all of the physical fights you've had in recent years." He rolled his eyes. "Your father would be very disappointed in you if you beat your brother to a pulp."

He shooed her out of the apartment after that since he wanted her to get away from Chris as much as she wants to get away from him. Neal watched his boyfriend lock the door before coming over to join him and Bailey. "Oh, God da—" Peter managed to stop himself. "I was going to ask if you two wanted to go out for a bit, but I don't have a car seat for her."

"Well, I could sit in the back with her. I can buckle her up and make sure she stays safe—as safe as she can be, I guess." Peter looked thoughtful for a moment and that made Neal curious. "What're you thinking, lover?"

Peter refocused on Neal and asked, "Are you still interested in adopting a younger child when we decide to have kids?" Neal nodded, furrowing his brows. "I could go buy a seat for her really quick and we could just…use it for our own kid someday." Neal's expression softened and he smiled at the older man. "Do you mind watching her alone for a few minutes? I know she's my niece and all…"

"I'm Uncle Neal," the younger man teased. He scooted closer to Peter and kissed him sweetly for a few moments. "Go ahead. I think it'll be nice to have something for our kiddo. Right now, we're making a commitment to our future child." Peter grinned at him and initiated a kiss this time. "Just one seat though, okay? We don't need every seat the kid's going to use in their lifetime."

Peter nodded and said, "I'll try not to buy a crib while I'm there." Neal laughed and rolled his eyes. "I love you."

"I love you, too." They pecked each other's lips before Peter rose to his full height. Bailey looked up at him in awe. "Uncle Peter's a giant, isn't he?" Bailey nodded. She couldn't take her eyes off of Peter because he seemed like a skyscraper to her. Peter is actually taller than his brother and his father—and Neal. "Sweetheart, do you want to play with your Barbies?" She nodded eagerly and went to grab them out of the bag Elizabeth filled with her dolls. Peter smiled sweetly at his boyfriend, appreciating him and loving the fact that Neal loves children and is very good with them.

As Peter went to properly dress himself for the mid-June weather, he thought about the future. He could imagine living in an actual house—for the very first time since moving out of his dad's place—with plenty of room for Neal to play with their child. As of now, the two were hoping that they would be able to adopt a boy, but Peter could see Neal running around with a little boy or a little girl. Neal's laughter and the laughter of their hypothetical future child warmed Peter's heart.

While listening to Neal interact with his niece, Peter couldn't wait until he and Neal started a family together. Neal isn't officially Bailey's uncle, but she considered him that. After what Elizabeth said about being surprised that Bailey was behaving for Neal, Peter knew that Neal was special. He honestly couldn't wait for the day he and Neal became fathers.

•◊•

Peter unlocked the apartment door later in the evening and opened it for Neal. Neal had Bailey in his arms and she was asleep. She'd fallen asleep in the car after playing hard with Peter and Neal outside for several hours. Peter figured he should've asked Elizabeth if that were okay, but he also figured it'd be just fine with her. Chris would be the one who'd have a fit about two men being in public with his daughter.

"Should we put her in her pajamas?" he asked Neal as he followed Neal into the apartment and closed and locked the door.

"Yeah. Sleeping in jeans isn't ideal or comfortable—especially for a three year old." Peter nodded and went to retrieve his niece's pajamas while Neal laid her down on the couch gently. After he set her down, he straightened up and smiled at her. "She's so cute when she's sleeping." Peter chuckled from across the room and Neal insisted, "Come look. Peter, come here."

Peter quickly found the pajamas and went over to his boyfriend. "You're right. She really is cute when she's sleeping." He looked at Neal and could see the absolute joy in Neal's eyes and smile. For someone who claimed he'd never, ever have children in the past, Peter was surprised to see just how much Neal loves kids. "You can't wait to adopt, can you?" he asked softly.

Neal glanced at his boyfriend and bit his lip for a moment. Peter lifted his hand and gently stopped Neal's habit of biting his lip if he were nervous. Despite looking cute when he bit his lip, Peter didn't want Neal to hurt himself more than he already does. "Honestly, I can't wait. Playing with her is fun, but I know she isn't staying with us permanently."

"Well," Peter whispered, "do you still want to get married before we adopt?" Neal's lips parted and Peter could tell Neal would love that. He wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to pop the question anytime soon, but he'd love to. "How soon is too soon for us to take that next step?" He wanted to see what Neal thought before considering anything.

"I honestly don't know," Neal admitted. "We've been together for nine months and I know I don't want to be without you. When I was a senior in high school, there was this one girl who got pregnant within about two months of getting into a relationship. The guy took some responsibility, I guess, and proposed to her just before prom. She accepted and they seemed happy."

Peter thought that was insane. Granted, his brother had been born similarly and his parents had gotten married as a result of realizing they were expecting a child. "My parents did the same thing when they were expecting Chris." He figured it couldn't be that bad considering his parents stayed together until his mother's death. Even now, almost a decade later, his father hadn't removed his wedding ring nor had he attempted to start another relationship. He'd encouraged his father to look for someone else if it made him happy, but Peter knew now that it wasn't that simple. After falling in love with Neal, Peter honestly couldn't see himself loving another man. If he were to lose Neal to suicide or some other reason that led to his death, he knew he wouldn't be able to move on. He wouldn't want to move on. "Well, I love you with all of my heart and I don't want to be without you either."

Neal hugged him and whispered, "It doesn't have to be right now."

"You don't mind waiting for me to pop the question?"

"Absolutely not," Neal said. "I know I caught you off-guard with that and I know you want to make the proposal good. However, I'm going to tell you— _demand_ that you don't spend a shitload of money on an engagement ring. You could wrap a piece of string around my finger and I'd be just as happy with that as I would be if you were to give me an actual ring."

Peter pulled away and gave Neal a look. "You deserve a better proposal than having a piece of string wrapped around your finger." Neal shook his head because he didn't want anything costly. Granted, Peter wouldn't mind blowing thousands of dollars on him… That didn't mean Neal wanted him to do that. "When I propose to you, I'm going to give you a ring."

Neal smiled a little. "Just please promise me you won't spend so much money on an engagement ring. I'm not saying that because I plan on leaving you. I'm saying that because we should be spending our money—most of which is yours—on things that are important." Peter nodded and he appreciated Neal. He appreciated that his boyfriend was used to having nothing and didn't beg him for anything. He'd splurge money on Neal in a heartbeat, but Neal didn't abuse him or his money that way. "We don't need a huge, expensive wedding either. Instead, we could…buy a house. We could get new furniture, buy things for the child we plan to adopt… Things like that. It's all about prioritizing."

"Jesus. As if I couldn't love you more than I already do…" Neal gave him a goofy grin that he found absolutely adorable. He kissed Neal's cheek before moving to change his niece into her pajamas. Neal helped him and then they covered her up. As Peter had done with Neal when Neal began living with him, Peter tucked the blanket in around Bailey. After completing the task of tucking his niece in, Peter took Neal's hand and led him to their bedroom. "One thing I love about you is that you try your damnedest to keep me from spending money on you. I honestly have no problem spending money on you, but you don't take advantage of my money."

"I told you I'm not Damien," Neal whispered. "I rarely _want_ things and the only thing I've desperately wanted is you. I've only asked you to buy something for me once—and you wouldn't allow me to pay you back."

Peter lifted his hand to caress the side of Neal's face and said, "I bought you your antidepressants because you needed them. You were borderline suicidal without them. Getting back on them and surviving is all the payment I need, Neal." He kissed Neal's nose. "While I was with Damien, I did some foolish things with my money. I never should have spent as much as I spent on him. In the end, he wasn't anywhere close to being worth it." Neal could see pain making its way into Peter's eyes and that concerned him. "I feel even more foolish for doing everything for him while he was raping me. He raped me and pretty much stole from me when I was drugged beyond fucking belief. Everything I did for him after he stopped drugging me and after I was able to get help for the addiction he created for me—everything I did afterwards was incredibly stupid."

Neal took both of Peter's hands in his own and whispered, "Don't talk about it anymore if it hurts you so much." He rubbed his thumbs over Peter's skin, adding, "I'm not asking you to shut up. I just don't like seeing you so hurt."

"The thing is, I've never talked to anyone about all of that. Damien let me get help for my addiction, but he refused to let me see a therapist of any kind because he thought I'd tell someone about what he did to me." Neal led Peter over to the bed and sat down on the end of the bed with him. "The withdrawal I went through was terrible and he let me suffer at first—for the exact reason he wouldn't allow me to see a therapist. When he realized how badly I wanted and needed help, he found someone who could help me." Laughing mirthlessly, Peter said, "I just remembered that he actually did something nice for me during that period of time. Then again, he's the bastard who got me high and would never let me come down from it."

"I'm sorry for what he did to you," Neal said sincerely. "Looking at you now, I never would've known you were forced to become a drug addict or that you were raped if you hadn't told me. Despite all of the terrible things he did to you, you came out strong and, though it probably doesn't matter, I'm really proud of you for getting your life back on track." Neal could see how much Peter appreciated everything he just said. That made his heart hurt because he honestly didn't like the idea of Peter suffering at the hands of someone he loves—or loved. "You didn't give up on your dream of becoming a photographer and you reenrolled in college so you could pursue that dream. You made it out of that relationship and got away from an abusive asshole." He lifted Peter's hands and kissed his knuckles. "I'm so proud of you. The man you are right now is the man you wanted to be despite what he did to you. You didn't let him control you or destroy your dreams." Tears were beginning to well up in Peter's eyes as Neal continued. "You're the only one in control of your life now. I'm not going to stop you from becoming the photographer you've always wanted to be. I love your photography and I know how passionate you are about it, so there's no way in hell that I'd try to interfere with that."

Neal hadn't stopped even as Peter began to sob in front of him. He kept telling Peter that he's proud of him and he kept telling him why he was proud of him, but little did he know that Peter honestly wanted someone to say they were proud of him for being himself, for living his life the way he wants to, for doing what he wants to do with his life. Damien crushed him in more ways than one, but Neal was so different. Neal was lifting him back up and putting his broken pieces back together again.

"This is why I want to marry you," Peter said thickly, finally silencing Neal. "I know you aren't just saying all of this for the sake of saying it. You're saying it because you mean it." Neal nodded and returned Peter's embrace when Peter pulled him close and held onto him tightly. "I know I've done some pretty bad things to you without meaning to, but you make me so happy, Neal. I'm so grateful to have you in my life." Peter breathed shakily against him and Neal closed his eyes, letting himself hone in on the feeling of Peter's warmth. "You're so good to me and I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm glad I did whatever it was."

"I love you," Neal whispered. "It's as simple as that. I can't intentionally hurt you or put you down. I want you to succeed in life and I'd love to be here to see you succeed." He truly loathed Damien for causing Peter so much pain. Matthew only tried to make him kill himself and attempted to rape him, but Damien had raped, drugged, and abused Peter throughout their relationship. He felt like Peter's relationship was worse than what he had with Matthew considering he didn't really love Matthew at any point. Not like Peter once loved Damien. "As long as you never give up on something you're passionate about, I'll always be proud of you."

Peter let out a watery laugh. "That's why I'll never give up on you," he whispered. "I'm passionate about you." That meant so much to Neal. "I love you so much, Neal Caffrey."

"I know," Neal whispered in response. He does know and he hasn't doubted that Peter loves him.

And he certainly proved it to Neal when he made love to him. Neal was tired out, but he was happily tired out when they finished. His head and left hand were on Peter's body as he slept and Peter watched him sleep, loving the soft sound of Neal's snoring. Glancing at the clock on his nightstand, Peter stretched as much as he could without jostling Neal and grabbed his phone. It wasn't too late into the night for him to make a quick phone call. When the other end was picked up, Peter whispered, "Hey. It's me. I need to ask you for a big favor…"


	15. Chapter 15

Two weeks later, Peter was watching his boyfriend get dressed. Neal arranged to meet with his mother again and she apparently had something she wanted to discuss with Neal alone. The younger man felt bad when he informed Peter that Peter couldn't come along this time, but Peter took it all in stride. Neal wasn't aware that Peter had plans of his own… "I'm really sorry," Neal apologized for what felt like the hundredth time. "I don't know what's so important, but you know I want you to come with me." Peter just smiled up at him softly. He wasn't upset at all. "I promise I'll make it up to you when I come home."

"It's honestly okay," Peter said. "I'm not upset with you or anything like that, honey. She's your mother and I totally understand that she'll want you all to herself sometimes." Neal gave him an appreciative smile. "With all of that in mind, I look forward to whatever it is that you have in mind when we're home again." Neal smirked at him and that little smirk when straight to Peter's cock. It was so adorable and sexy at the same time. "You're so exciting," he whispered.

"Considering I'm still kind of new to this, I'm glad to hear that." Peter grinned when Neal plopped down onto the bed in front of him. He rested his head over Peter's lower half, feeling his erection. He nuzzled his face against Peter's pants and it was taking a great deal of willpower to refrain from quickly undressing Neal to make love to the younger man's beautiful body. "I didn't think I could make anybody feel this way until I met you," he said softly, glancing up at Peter's face when Peter weaved his fingers through Neal's hair. "Even though I know how your body is reacting, I know what we have isn't purely sexual."

Peter nodded. "I loved you well before our sexual relationship began. Sex is physical proof that we love each other, but you know I can prove it to you in other ways." Neal kept smiling up at him. "I love making you happy, Neal. I can't wait until the day when I can call you my husband nor can I wait for the day when I refer to you as our child's daddy." He stroked Neal's hair and loved how Neal closed his eyes. He knew Neal felt so at ease and comfortable with him, so that meant quite a bit to him. Neal was giving all of himself to Peter and Peter wasn't going to let all of that, all of Neal's efforts, go to waste.

Neal gave his virginity to him, willingly chose to live with and stay with him, and loved him with all of his heart. Above all of that, Neal was giving him hope. Neal has been suicidal for years and he finally has a reason to live and a future to look forward to. Peter wanted to give Neal that future. He wanted to prove to Neal just how much Neal means to him. He planned on being Neal's first and only husband and he wanted to raise a family with Neal. Those were things Neal never thought he'd have. Whether he decided he didn't want to pursue those dreams or that he wanted to commit suicide so he didn't have to worry about those dreams, it didn't matter anymore. Neal _wants_ his life to change and he wants to live.

"I wish I knew how to tell you just how much I love you," Neal whispered. "I can't find the words to completely describe my feelings for you…"

Chuckling quietly, Peter said, "All you ever have to say is that you love me. Those three words mean more to me than anything else." Neal sat up and Peter slid his fingers out of Neal's hair, watching Neal.

Tentatively, Neal gave him a very loving and gentle kiss. "I love you," he whispered against Peter's lips when he ended the kiss. "I will love you forever."

Peter gently played with Neal's promise ring and said, "I know you will, sweetheart, and I hope you know that I'll love you forever as well." Neal nodded, smiling as he blinked back tears. "You're everything to me. I know that's hard for you to believe at times, but you are my everything." Neal threw his arms around Peter and embraced him as he breathed shakily. Peter closed his eyes and listened to his boyfriend's sounds. He knew Neal was getting to the point where he no longer questioned Peter's feelings for him. That was amazing progress in Peter's opinion. "Thank you for lowering your walls enough for me to sneak into your heart."

Neal laughed a watery laugh and whispered, "Thank you for giving me a chance—for not giving up on me."

Not too long thereafter, Peter was driving Neal down to the diner where Neal usually met his mother. Neal was holding his hand and Peter loved that. Damien never held his hand when he'd been driving. He tried to get Damien to hold his hand once or twice, but Damien refused him. Neal was the exact opposite of Damien though and he liked holding Peter's hand as much as Peter likes holding his. "You know I'll never let you leave me, don't you?" he eventually whispered as they were nearing the diner. "I mean, unless you really wanted to. I won't hold you against your will or anything…"

Giggling for a moment, Neal whispered, "I don't want to leave you—ever. Don't even worry." Peter blinked back tears of his own after hearing Neal's cute giggle. As soon as they arrived at the diner, Neal glanced over at his boyfriend and noticed how Peter was rubbing his face. "Peter?" he whispered concernedly. "Peter, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He felt awful for not realizing that until now—for not realizing he did or said something during the drive over that upset Peter.

"I just like hearing you tell me you want to be with me," Peter said softly. "I know that sounds kind of stupid, but it means a lot to me, Neal. It means a lot to me to think that you're going to be the last man I'll ever give my heart to."

Neal lifted Peter's hand and kissed his knuckles gently, nodding. "I promise I'll take good care of your heart," he said quietly with a small smile. "All I want from you is your heart—and your last name." Peter laughed a bit and that made Neal's heart skip a beat. "We both had really shitty relationships before we got together, but that's all in the past now. Damien and Matthew can't hurt us anymore." Peter's eyes met Neal's then and he didn't feel compelled to look away even as Neal whispered, "I promise I'll never hurt you the way Damien hurt you. I promise I'll never hurt you, Peter. I love you far too much to live with myself if I ever did something so terrible to you."

"I don't worry about you hurting me," Peter admitted. "You're such a sweetheart, Neal. I know you're not going to do anything that Damien did to me." He rubbed his thumb over Neal's skin and whispered, "You and I need to have a small discussion later…" Neal's brows furrowed and Peter could see the fear in his eyes. "It's not about us. You and I are completely okay." Instantly, Neal was relieved. "I just want to open up to you about some things, but I know I can't keep you here very long since your mom is waiting for you."

"Is it something that's going to hurt you if we don't talk about it until later?" Peter wanted to tell him that he'd be fine, but he hesitated. "I'll tell her you and I had to do something before we got here. Talk to me, lover."

Sighing, Peter whispered, "I just… I'm going to be honest with you by admitting that I don't know if I can ever let you make love to me, Neal. Damien hurt me too much and I do trust you, but my scars…"

Neal squeezed Peter's hand, giving him a sympathetic look. "I understand, Peter. Don't worry." He lifted Peter's hand to kiss his knuckles again. "I don't mind keeping things the way they are right now. I'm perfectly content with letting you make love to me." Neal could see that this was something that's bothered Peter for a long time. It wasn't just something he'd begun thinking about a few minutes ago. This has been a thought he's had for months—if not longer. "I understand you. I understand why you don't want to change the way we make love and I'm not going to force you into anything. I promise I'll never do that to you." Peter closed his eyes, remaining silent as Neal stared at him sadly. "Don't worry, please," he pleaded. "I love feeling you inside of me. I didn't think I would at first, but I absolutely love it. I'm not power hungry and you know that. You know I'll never turn the tables on you the way he did."

"I do know that," Peter whispered. He squeezed Neal's hand this time and breathed shakily. "It's just an irrational fear I've had. He never told me he wanted to fuck me. I just assumed he was happy with the way things were until he decided he was going to rape me."

"Your fear isn't irrational," Neal assured him. "You have every right to have this fear. Your fears give me the strength I need to prove to you that I love you for who you are—not for what you could possibly give me." Peter's eyes finally opened and he looked at Neal in awe. "I know you're wealthy and I would never dream of asking you for a penny if I weren't in absolute dire need to do so. I know what he did to you and I swear to you that I'll never abuse your body the way he did. I swear I'll never abuse you in any way, Peter." Neal unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over to kiss Peter passionately. "I love you with all of my heart. I'd rather kill myself than do something with the intention of harming you."

"Killing yourself would hurt me…" Peter murmured.

Sighing, Neal nodded. "I'm just saying that so you know I'd rather end my life than do anything to hurt you. I'm not going to kill myself." As Peter had felt the shift in Neal's trust the day Neal decided he wanted to reveal all of his scarring and cuts to Peter, he now felt the immense shift of Neal's very essence. "I want to live, Peter. I want to have a life with you—with you and a family we create. I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize that future."

Peter blinked rapidly in an attempt to keep himself from crying in front of his boyfriend, but Neal immediately reached out to stroke his hair and knew Peter was going to crumble mere seconds before he did. Peter leaned into Neal, holding him as close as he could manage in the confines of the car. "I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else before."

Neal smiled, closing his own eyes. "I love you just as much," he whispered. "I'll take care of you, Peter. I will do anything I can to show you that I love you and that I want you to be happy. My sole goal in life right now is to make you happy."

"I want to take you into the backseat and make love to you so badly," Peter admitted. "But you deserve better than cheap car sex." Neal figured Peter and Damien had a lot of car sex, which meant Peter didn't enjoy it if he brought it up the way he just had. "I'll let you go see your mom and I'll wait for you to call or text me when you want me to pick you up. When I take you home, I'm going to show you just how grateful and in love with you I am."

They separated and Neal stroked Peter's jaw gently. "Will you be okay?" Peter nodded silently. "I don't want to leave you if you need to talk a little more. My mom will understand."

Peter shook his head. "You let me say what I felt like I needed to say and everything you said in response makes me happy, Neal. I appreciate that more than you know." He quickly pecked Neal's lips a few times before whispering, "Thank you, honey. I promise I'll be all right until you and I get home together."

Nodding, Neal kissed Peter one last time and said, "Behave yourself when you get home." Peter grinned at him as he added, "No gay porn and don't look up ways to 'please your man.'" He rolled his eyes and said, "Porn sites and blogs won't give you any good ideas."

"They've actually given me a lot of ideas…" Peter said suggestively.

Smirking, Neal whispered, "Well, I'm all yours when we get home." He winked as he said, "Try not to jerk off. I need you to come inside of me—and I don't know if this will be a quick meeting with my mom or not, so you'd damn well better be prepared to give me a nice, warm and sticky load."

"Christ," Peter said breathlessly. "I've created a little sex fiend." Neal giggled quietly. "Before I took your virginity away, you were never like this."

"Tell me you don't like it."

Peter smirked. "You know I love it."

Laughing quietly, Neal nodded and kissed Peter again. "Taking my virginity was probably the best thing you could've done several months ago—and I'm thankful for it."

"That just means I'll never have to go to anyone else for sex now that I have you." Neal tensed and Peter could feel that in the way Neal was holding his hand. He bit his lip and looked at Neal apologetically. "I'm sorry. You know I'm not just in this for sex."

"It's not that…" Peter gave him a curious look. "Before you and I were even together, I considered giving myself to you so you'd never go back to Damien for sex." Peter frowned because he honestly didn't like that rationale. He didn't like thinking he would've used Neal that way so he wouldn't go back to the man who'd abused and raped him. Being around Neal had been a pleasant distraction at the time, but he couldn't imagine willingly having sex with Neal just so he could avoid having sex with Damien. "I didn't want you to ever hurt again because of the way he hurt you. I never want to hear you make such awful, painful sounds ever again…"

Peter nodded. "That means a lot to me, honey. You mean a lot to me. When we make love, it's for us—not so I won't run back to him." Neal knew that, but just the thought of Peter ever going back to Damien for sex hurt Neal's heart. "You're the man I love, Neal. I don't ever want to be sexually involved with another man now that I've seen what lovemaking truly is." Before Neal could respond, Peter whispered, "Honey, please go visit with your mom. When we get home, we can either make love or talk some more. I promise I'll be okay until we're together again and I thank you for letting me talk longer than I should've."

Neal kissed Peter's forehead, whispering, "Your thoughts and feelings mean a great deal to me, so thank you for opening up to me." They kissed each other a few more times before Peter was insisting that Neal go see his mother before their meeting had to be cut shorter than it already would be. "I love you and I'll see you soon."

"See you soon, my sweet love," Peter whispered before Neal shut the door and waved at him with a small smile. Peter watched him head into the diner, making damn sure Neal made it inside, before driving off. He was truly grateful for the fact that Neal let him open up, but he had somewhere he wanted to be now.

•◊•

Peter arrived at his father's house and waited for the door to open before finally going inside. Upon glancing at Jon and seeing the joyful smile on the older man's face, Peter whispered, "Did you find it?" Jon nodded and Peter eagerly went further into his father's house. "Is it strange that I'm really excited?"

"Absolutely not," Jon assured him. "In fact, I'm excited for you and I was thrilled when you asked for it. Your jackass brother isn't nearly as sentimental and sweet as you are." Peter followed his father upstairs. "Boy, I would've regretted this if Chris asked. As much as I love El, they're getting divorced. That asshole is going to be living with me until I die."

"Did you shove him into the basement?" Jon stopped and gave Peter a look. "I know, I know," Peter said amusedly. "I know you've got a guestroom. I just wanted to know if you were giving the guestroom to El and Bailey, which meant he'd live in the basement like your stereotypical thirty year old man who's living with his parents again." Jon chuckled and led Peter into his bedroom.

Jon went over to his dresser and grabbed the jewelry box sitting atop it at the base of a mirror that belonged to his wife. Every time he looked at the mirror, he imagined her sitting in front of it to brush her hair or apply her makeup. "Damn…" he whispered. Peter immediately hugged his father and nodded silently. "I can't believe it'll be ten years in November…"

Peter was grateful when Jon returned his embrace. "I know, dad," he whispered. "She'd be proud of you, you know. You're a damn good lawyer, a loyal husband, and a fantastic father." Jon made a quiet sound and Peter protested, "Don't start. Chris and I did stupid things because we were stupid boys. You know Chris is just an asshole—you said it yourself. I made my own mistakes because that's part of growing up, but you were there for me when I needed you most."

Nodding for a few moments, Jon asked, "Are you ever going to tell me what he did to you?"

Both men were quiet, but neither of them ended the hug. Peter relied on his father for support and love once he realized Chris was against him and Jon was more than happy to be at his side through a great deal of things in the last ten years. "No," he said apologetically. "What he did doesn't matter. Neal's repairing what Damien broke."

"I'm grateful for that," Jon said softly. "I didn't see you or hear from you for well over two years and I don't know the specifics, but I know you were in rehab for a little while." Peter's brows furrowed as he wondered how his father knew about that. "Despite confidentiality, the man who worked with you through your rehabilitation was someone I knew when I was a boy. He was concerned about you and asked me if you were living with me. He didn't tell me what happened, but I know it was drug-related because that's his line of work."

Sighing, Peter whispered, "I don't really want to talk about it right now, but let's just say that I'm lucky to be alive right now."

Jon hated Damien without knowing everything. He knew Damien hurt Peter a great deal, which is why he'd immediately been against Peter's relationship with Neal. He figured Peter would go back to the same kind of man he'd been with before and figured Neal was a gold digging abuser. Fortunately, he was wrong and Neal was nowhere near being that kind of man. "Does Neal know?" Peter nodded silently, closing his eyes. "Well, at least you can talk to someone. Whatever Damien did to you was bad, so I know Neal loves you if he's with you after you opened up to him."

"Neal's been through some things himself. He understands feeling alone—not to say that you neglected me or anything. I know you would've come to my rescue at a moment's notice, but I didn't want you to know about what happened because I'm ashamed of what I allowed to happen with him." Jon squeezed Peter gently. He knew Peter wouldn't tell him what happened, but he was glad Neal supported Peter. "Neal's previous relationship was terrible and he's lucky to be alive, too, but I knew I could tell him. I knew he wouldn't look at me and think I'm weak. I knew he wouldn't ridicule me for what happened."

The older man nodded and said, "Well, that's reason enough for me to allow this request of yours." He pulled back and looked at his youngest son. "I know he loves you as much as you love him and I hope to God he always treats you right, Peter…" He caressed the side of his son's face and he could see just how happy Neal makes Peter. He knew Neal would always take care of Peter and give him the love he deserves. "She would approve of this, just in case you were wondering."

Laughing quietly, Peter said, "I knew that already. I knew that when I realized Neal is the one I've always wanted." Jon gave him a curious look. "When I came out to mom, she asked me to go after whatever made me happy and I described the kind of man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life." Smiling softly, he whispered, "I was describing Neal. For the longest time, I thought I described Damien—that I would be stuck with Damien forever. I didn't realize it until I separated from Damien that I wanted Neal this whole time."

Jon smiled at his son lovingly because he knew Peter's request would work out in the long term. He knew this wouldn't fail like Chris and El had failed. Peter is nothing like Chris and Chris destroyed his own marriage. Jon knew Peter wouldn't do that to his relationship with Neal. "I know your mother would approve of Neal and this is my way of letting you know that. Hell, I guess it's my way of letting Neal know that he has our blessing." He turned towards the dresser, opened the jewelry box, and pulled out a small, silver ring. "I guess it's a good thing she and Neal are both March babies," he teased. "Otherwise, we'd have to change the gem."

"I wouldn't change it even if he weren't a March baby."

Before Jon held the ring out towards his son, he whispered, "You'd better be the best God damn husband you can be for him, Peter Michael. I gave your mother this ring as a promise that she and I would be each other's last loves." Peter nodded, understanding completely. "I trust you to know what's right and wrong for you, but don't you dare give this away if you don't have the intention of making such a commitment."

Peter looked his father in the eye and whispered, "I have every intention of making that commitment to him." There was a brief silence between them before Peter added, "I wouldn't have asked for this if I didn't have that intention of being with him forever. I know why you gave it to mom and I would never do anything to ruin that memory or sentiment for either of you." Jon held the ring out to his son, watching Peter take it. It was the very ring he'd given his wife to initiate their engagement and it was his promise to her that he wasn't going to spend his life with anyone else. "I love him, dad. I want him to be in this family—to create a family with me. I know he wants it, too."

Jon nodded at his son and said, "Then you bring that boy into our family. Make him a Burke and have little Burke children of your own."

Grinning, Peter whispered, "I know he's the one. I never would've dreamed of giving Damien mom's engagement ring."

"That's how I know you're serious about Neal," Jon said quietly. "Your brother wasn't serious enough about Elizabeth to ask for it. I know how much Neal means to you and I know you both have painful secrets that you've shared with each other." He understood that better than Peter realized. "Your mother was the only one I opened up to about your grandfather. I was surprised when Neal spoke to me about his abusive father. I was abused by your grandfather for a very long time and I couldn't wait to get away from him. When I married your mother, she asked me to move us elsewhere. We had Chris coming and my father abused me whenever I was around him. Your mother couldn't stand watching him hurt me."

Peter wanted to tell his father about Neal's stepfather, but he decided that it wasn't his story to tell. "Neal understands that and I'm glad he was able to get away from that kind of environment before things became severe. I'm glad you both made it out of abusive homes in the end." He rubbed his thumb over his mother's engagement ring and whispered, "He's everything I want. I know what he's been through and what he continues to go through, but he also knows my story as well. I never trusted anyone the way I trust him."

Jon was looking at his son proudly as he said, "I know I was hard on him when I met him, but I know he feels the same way about you, son. He trusts you with his past as you trust him with yours. Your mother was my confidant—my only confidant. She and I would be together if God hadn't taken her so soon."

Tentatively, Peter took his father's left hand in his hand. He rubbed his father's wedding ring and said, "You two are still together. Despite moments when I urged you to move on, you've never once removed your wedding ring." Jon's eyes welled up with tears as he considered what his son just said. "She knows how much you love her, dad. I know I'm not as devout as either of you, but I know she's in heaven smiling down at you right now. After all, her declaration of love for you was the last thing she ever said. You were there with her when she passed, dad. She knew… She knew how much she meant to you."

The older man couldn't help the fact that tears were sliding down the sides of his face. He didn't care either. Of his two sons, Peter was the only one he felt comfortable with. He always opened up to Peter when it came to his wife. Peter always listened and offered comforting words of his own. Chris would never act as mature as his baby brother and Jon knew that. He knew Chris was a lost cause and he still, to this day, tried to figure out where he'd gone wrong with Chris. Peter turned out to be the better man in a variety of ways and he was always very proud of Peter.

"I trust you to use this ring as I used it," he said thickly, gripping his son's hand tightly. "There's no room for error when you give it to him. I know she and I had a shotgun wedding because of Chris, but I still loved your mother and only your mother." Meeting his son's teary eyes as he himself cried, he whispered, "I would never have given it to her if there were even a flicker of doubt in my mind that she and I would last forever."

Peter nodded and breathed shakily as he cried. Whenever Jon was emotional, his own emotions came forth. He was so used to seeing his father act so strong. When he'd fallen apart during his mother's death, Jon was there and he'd comforted Peter without once falling to pieces. Nearly a decade later, Peter had been there each and every time Jon's strength crumbled to return the comfort he'd been given. "I want forever with him," he whispered. "I never want to lose him. I never want him to look at someone else as lovingly as he looks at me. I never want him to tell another man that he loves him." He shut his eyes tightly and whispered, "I want to be the one who loves him unconditionally. I want him to know that my love for him is unconditional." He lifted his free hand and rubbed his face for a few moments. "Neal Caffrey is the love of my life. If I lose him, I don't think—I know I can never love anyone else. I love him the way you love mom. Losing him would destroy me and I would never be able to give my heart to another man."

Jon pulled him close and hugged him tightly, kissing his neck a few times. "Then you make that Caffrey boy a Burke the moment you believe it's the right time to do so." He kissed Peter's cheek before pulling back to stare at his son's face. "I know you're just like me, son. I know how your heart works. Neal's a lucky man to have your love."

Shaking his head, Peter whispered, "I'm the lucky one. After everything that happened between Damien and me and between himself and Matthew, he didn't have to give me a chance. He didn't have to get into a relationship with me." He smiled at his father and whispered, "His mother told me that no one will ever love me as much as Neal loves me. I absolutely believe her."

Jon smiled at Peter as Peter stared down at the ring he was holding. Both men knew that Peter's relationship with Neal was going to last. It wasn't something temporary nor was it something that would end on a whim. Peter is as serious about Neal as Neal is about Peter.

Before Neal knew it, Peter was going to propose to him—using the exact ring Jon used to make his wife a Burke. As soon as the timing was right, Neal was going to become his husband. Neal would no longer be a Caffrey. Peter had every intention of making a Burke out of his boyfriend. Gently folding his fingers over the ring to hold it at the center of his palm, he considered what Neal's name would sound like when they were finally married and he loved it. _Neal Burke._ The very thought of hearing Neal introduce himself as such made Peter's heart pound excitedly. He could not wait for the moment Neal introduced himself as a Burke, as Peter's husband.

That would be the happiest day of Peter's life—and he was eager for that day to come.


	16. Chapter 16

When Peter had finally gotten home, forty-five minutes had passed since he dropped Neal off at the diner. Before getting out of his car, he checked his phone just to make sure he didn't miss Neal's text if he'd finished talking to his mother and wanted a ride home. Thus far, he hadn't gotten a text yet. He hoped everything was all right. Even though he'd gone to see his father to get an engagement ring for Neal, he wondered what Neal's mother had to say that had to be said in private. He was a bit concerned, but he figured Neal would talk to him about it eventually—not that he planned on pushing Neal to do so by any means.

Upon reaching their apartment door, he was going to slide his key into the lock until he realized the door wasn't locked. In fact, it was _open._ Only he and Neal had keys to the apartment and he figured Neal wouldn't have left the door open if he were home. Neither of them liked the idea of someone breaking in—someone like Matthew or Damien considering they both know where Neal and Peter are living. That was an issue they would rectify shortly after getting married and well before they began to create their family together.

Tentatively, he entered the apartment, quietly shut the door and locked it, and went into the kitchen to grab a knife. There were no lights on in the apartment, but someone was definitely inside and he wasn't going to take any chances. If someone wanted to harm him or Neal, he'd do what he could to make sure no one had that opportunity. One of his instincts now included protecting Neal no matter what. If Matthew or Damien wanted to try something, Peter wouldn't allow them to come anywhere near Neal.

As he approached the couch, he heard someone sniffling. The sound was coming from their bedroom and sounded far too familiar to be someone he didn't know. Lowering his knife, he headed towards the bedroom and cautiously whispered, "Neal?" He turned the light on quickly and found his boyfriend curled up on their bed with Mozzie—and he was crying. "Sweetheart, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Neal's eyes were closed, but he shook his head. Peter set the knife down before crossing the room to crawl onto the bed so he could lie down beside Neal. "What happened, honey?"

"He's dead," Neal whispered hoarsely. It sounded like he'd been crying for quite some time and Peter wondered why Neal didn't text or call him to ask for a ride back. He could have easily left his father's house to pick Neal up at any time. Peter's brows furrowed as he wondered who Neal was talking about. If it were Matthew or his stepfather, he honestly didn't think Neal would be damn near sobbing over them, so he had no idea who _he_ was supposed to be. "My dad is dead."

Peter's heart instantly clenched because he understood that pain. Even though Neal hasn't seen his father in nearly twenty years, his father still meant a lot to him. Peter couldn't tell Neal not to cry over the fact that the man who took part in bringing him into this world and also abused his mother was dead. Neal's father loved him a great deal from what Neal could remember and from what Natalie told both Neal and Peter. "Oh, Neal…" he whispered sympathetically. "I'm so sorry." Neal moved closer to him and Peter held him without hesitation. He remained silent and rubbed Neal's back as Neal continued crying against him. He didn't say anything because this was what he went through when his own mother died and he knew how painful it was to lose a parent. Jon held him as he'd cried just as he was holding Neal now, but Jon hadn't said a word either. Nothing would have comforted him aside from being held by his father and he figured no words would comfort Neal either, so he held Neal because Neal wanted to be held.

Neal rubbed his face and thickly said, "He died in a house fire. The police said they found DNA traces that belonged to him, so they interrogated mom. It looked like arson, so, being his ex-wife, she was a suspect right away." Peter kissed Neal's hair and continued to rub Neal's back, letting him know that he was listening. "An officer questioned me, but I had an alibi at the alleged time of his death. You and I were working together and your boss confirmed that."

"I'm so sorry, Neal…" He didn't know what else to say. Nothing would immediately take this pain away. Almost ten years after the fact, Peter was still mourning over his mother. The pain had dulled considerably, but it was still there nonetheless. Neal had been with him for the ninth anniversary of his mother's death, so Neal knew how much it continued to hurt him.

"I just wish I had the chance to talk to him one last time…" Neal whispered solemnly. "The very last thing he ever said to me was 'good night, son.'" Neal cried harder and Peter understood. He had many moments in which he wished he could have one last conversation with his mother. He hadn't been present at the time of her passing either, but he still wished he had a few moments to tell his mother that he loved her one last time. Neal didn't have that opportunity and Neal left his father early in life. Neal always told him that he didn't know where he was even if he wanted to see him. Now that there was absolutely no way of seeing his father again, Neal wanted that more than anything.

Peter held Neal on their bed until Neal's crying had exhausted him and he fell asleep against Peter. He hadn't wanted to bother Peter with a text or call because he needed a few minutes to think to himself and he did that while walking back to the apartment. The closer he'd come to the apartment, the faster his pace had picked up until he was running through the apartment building while on the brink of tears. He'd been hoping Peter was home, but he decided he'd wait in the bedroom until Peter finally did come home to him.

As always, Peter was there for him. Peter understood what it was like to lose a parent and Peter had been closer to his mother, so Neal knew he could talk to Peter about this. In a way, Peter was really grateful for that. Neal wanted to open up to him rather than suffer in silence and harm himself. This was progress and very good progress at that.

•◊•

Neal was at Wal-Mart the following morning since Peter needed to see his father again. He didn't say why and Neal didn't push him for an explanation, so Neal chose to go shopping since they needed groceries. He wanted to get some ice cream regardless of whether or not they needed groceries though. Peter claimed it would help him feel better if he ate some while they watched some romantic, soppy movie together. In all honesty, Neal didn't have a problem with that. He enjoyed the fact that Peter was going to spend time with him and try to do whatever he could to take his mind off of everything his mother told him the previous day. He'd had nightmares throughout the night about his father burning to death, but Peter held him through it all and comforted him without hesitation.

As he was about to grab the ice cream out of the freezer, he noticed that someone had been following him all the way through the store. He'd noticed early on, but he thought it was just coincidence that they kept running into each other, so to speak—even though the man kept his distance and remained behind him at all times. It wasn't Matthew or Damien, but he'd glanced back once or twice and the man hid his face from him, so that was a little concerning. He wasn't quite sure what to make of that. For one, the man looked considerably older than Matthew or Damien. He couldn't think of anyone else who would be interested in stalking him—unless someone were preying on him and waiting to get him alone outside of the store…

He decided to shoot Peter a text. "I'm being followed. I don't know who it is, but he followed me from the diner through the store. Can't shake him."

After a few moments and after Neal threw the ice cream into his cart, Peter wrote him back. " _I'm coming. Stay away from him. Are you almost done?_ "

Neal replied, "I just got the ice cream. Heading to the checkout as soon as I get the laundry and dish soap."

Briefly, Neal glanced behind him again and the man was still there and trying to hide his identity. He sincerely hoped Peter would get here quickly. Peter wasn't that far away and he was hoping he could buy enough time by crossing the store to gather the soaps he and Peter needed. It was better than standing around and waiting for Peter to text him to tell him that he'd arrived. And the man was still following him.

As he neared the checkout several minutes later, he saw Peter come into the store. They made eye contact and Peter had to dart around a few aisles before he could get into the aisle Neal was standing in. Just as Neal was thanking God for the fact that Peter loves him enough to rush from his father's home to the store, a hand grabbed Neal's shoulder and jerked him around. Neal stared at the man and was terrified because he didn't know who he was. "Neal?" The man began looking at him intently, observing him. Neal shoved him off just as Peter came over to him. He stood between Neal and the other man, protecting his boyfriend. "Neal, you don't know who I am?"

"I have no idea who you are," Neal said as he rested his right hand on Peter's back to keep him calm for the moment. "Why have you been following me? You followed me from the diner down the street and you've continued to follow me here."

The man tried to shift Peter aside, but Peter resisted and stood his ground, keeping himself as a barrier between the two because Neal's protection was his priority. "Neal, it's me." Neal's brows furrowed because he didn't understand how that was supposed to clarify anything. "It's daddy."

Neal's eyes widened. After hearing that, he could see it. He could smell the scent of cigarettes and alcohol on him, he had the same scar on his throat that he had for a good portion of his life, and he identified Neal by name without ever speaking to him. "H-How? You're supposed to be dead." Not even twenty-four hours into his 'death,' he managed to somehow revive himself or survive. There were no burns on him whatsoever and Neal wasn't sure if he wanted to believe this man anymore. Anyone could have studied his father and attempted to become him. After all, it'd been nearly twenty years since they'd last seen each other.

"I knew you were still around here and I've been looking for you. I—" He glanced around for a moment. "Checkout your groceries, meet me outside, and I'll explain."

Before Neal could respond, the man was walking away from them. "What the hell?" Neal whispered, sounding panicked. "How did he know who I am? How did he find me?"

Peter rested his hand on Neal's back now after turning to face him and he attempted to be comforting. "I don't know, but I don't trust him, honey," he said quietly. He helped Neal load everything onto the conveyor belt and they went through the entire process of arguing about who was paying for the food since Peter wanted to be the monetary hero before Neal finally gave in and allowed his boyfriend to pay for their groceries. Peter was nudging Neal playfully as Neal pushed the cart and Neal attempted to bite him when Peter lifted his hand to tap Neal's nose. "Ooh. Are we feisty?"

"I was prepared to pay for all of this," he muttered.

"I know you were," Peter assured him. "You rarely let me do anything for you, hon. The least I could do is pay for the groceries we're putting in our apartment." Neal rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't be like that. It's all going to the same bellies anyway."

Neal murmured, "Suck my dick," under his breath and Peter gave him a teasing grin, wiggling his eyebrow at him. "I can't even argue with you using that now… Damn. Having a sex life and being unable to use sexual taunts kind of blows."

Peter smirked. "I'll blow you," he whispered. Neal smacked him when he realized there were kids nearby. "Oh, please. Like they're paying attention to me." Neal rolled his eyes once again. "It'll be different when we have our own kiddo. I try to be careful about what I say in front of my niece, but I'll be extra careful about what I say around our child." Neal looked up at him with a softer expression as they stopped outside of the store. "I promise I'll set a good example for our baby, honey."

"Wait. You two are dating?"

Neal turned and Peter shifted to protect Neal again. It seemed like an instinct to Peter that Neal appreciated. "Are you homophobic?" Peter growled. "He's had to deal with enough homophobia in his life already."

The man shook his head and pulled out his ID, showing it to Peter. "I'm James Bennett—Neal's father and someone who isn't homophobic." Peter took the ID from him and inspected it. He'd learned how to tell if it were fake or not since some of his classmates were going into that business. "I didn't realize you were homosexual, but I don't have an issue with your sexuality, Neal. What you do with your partner—"

"Boyfriend," Neal corrected him firmly.

"—boyfriend behind closed doors doesn't concern me. It's your life and only you can live it." He took note of the fact that Neal obviously didn't like anyone calling Peter his partner, so he decided he'd respect Neal in that aspect. "You look good, kid. How's your mother?"

Neal watched Peter hand the ID back to James and waited until Peter nodded at him to let him know it was real—not forged. "Mom's fine. She's happy, healthy, and alive." James cringed a little when he realized everything Neal had said in response was meant to sound pointed and bitter. He'd gone nearly twenty years without seeing his son and he couldn't exactly blame Neal for any feelings of animosity. As far as Neal was concerned, James could have killed Natalie. "How are you alive? I just found out from mom that you died in a fire, but you're standing right here in front of me."

James frowned and said, "I…was never in any real danger." Neal's brows furrowed. Peter was still on the defensive. Whether or not this was Neal's real father, he didn't trust the other man. "I started the fire and planted my own DNA because I wanted it to be recovered." Sighing quietly, the older man said, "Son, I did it because I wanted to see you again. I watched your mother sit in that diner alone yesterday and I could see how much pain she was in before she informed you about my untimely 'death.'"

"Mom wasn't hurting," Neal assured him. "Not because of you. She didn't want to hurt me by telling me that my father is dead." James nodded silently in response. He'd always believed Natalie wouldn't leave him because she'd always said she wanted Neal to have both of his biological parents in his life. Even if things between the two of them hadn't worked, they wanted their relationships with their son to work. Natalie had always put Neal first and James admired that several years after losing his wife and son. "Mom remarried," Neal said. "She's happy with her husband and he treats her _right._ "

Peter growled quietly when James took a step closer to Neal. Immediately, James backed off. He didn't want to get into anything physical with his son's boyfriend when he was trying to make amends with his son. Besides, he figured Neal had told his boyfriend about his past, which led to this defensive nature he was displaying. He could respect the man who was hellbent on protecting Neal. "I know I treated her poorly," James admitted. "Not a single day has gone by when I didn't regret harming your mother. She's a beautiful woman and I regret a great deal of things. I regret harming her and forcing her to run away with you. She was afraid of me and didn't know if I were capable of harming you down the road…"

Neal shook his head and whispered, "We left because I told her it was time to run away." James's eyes widened at that. Natalie told him once that Neal was the reason she'd run away, but he hadn't believed that a five year old would be capable of such intelligence to know that his mother would always be in danger if they hadn't left when they did. "You almost killed her. Not only did I hear it from my bedroom, but I saw it. I saw what you did to her." Peter's heart hurt as he listened to the agony in Neal's voice. "I almost lost my mother because of you. There will never be any justification for the way you abused her." His lips curled into a sneer as he said, "And I know so much more about the abuse you put her through now that I'm older. I'm sickened by the things you made her suffer through. I'm disgusted by the fact that you were a respectable man in the public eye, but an absolute drunken asshole when you were with her."

"Son, I—"

"You never loved my mother the way she deserves to be loved. She never wanted to hurt me by taking me away from you, but I knew she wouldn't survive if we stayed." James swallowed hard as he found himself completely unable to tear his eyes away from the angered, agonized look on his son's face. "Now you've abused me. You faked your death just to get to me. Why? Why do you want to see me after so many years?"

James reached out and grabbed both of Neal's arms roughly. Peter responded to that instantaneously, wrenching the man's hands away from Neal's arms immediately and forcefully. He stood between them once again because he wasn't going to allow this man to harm Neal for no reason at all. "I've wanted to be in your life since I lost you. Your mother never let me see you and never contacted me to make arrangements for me to visit you… She ignored my calls and hung up on me when I called from obscure numbers." He stared at Neal sadly as he said, "I deserved the right to see my son. She had no right to take you away from me."

"She had every right," Neal bit out. Perhaps he wouldn't be so bitter in the presence of his father if he hadn't just found out that his father pulled a stunt to fake his own death just to draw Neal out. "She feared for her life and mine. I had to tell her that it was time to go and I knew she didn't want to take me away, but she had every right to do everything she did." Neal decided to growl, "My mother protected me from a deceitful, abusive monster," before grabbing the bags of groceries inside of the shopping cart.

Peter followed Neal's cue and proceeded to help Neal gather up their groceries. "Neal, I—"

"Stay away from us," Neal snarled. "We don't need a lying, drunken man in our lives." James didn't know what else to say. He hadn't believed that Neal would be thrilled to see him, but he didn't realize that Neal would feel so hostile while in his presence. This certainly wasn't his giggly, bubbly little boy anymore. The young man standing in front of him now was very knowledgeable—more so than James ever imagined he'd be—and he was very mature. Once again, he couldn't blame Neal for feeling like this or for speaking like this. "Mom's been through enough and I won't put up with your lies. Stay out of our lives."

And with that, Neal began to storm off. Peter, fortunately, always tried to park in the same area when they went shopping, so he knew where Peter had parked. He hadn't given his father the opportunity to say another word because he didn't want to hear it.

He'd cried over the death of a man who hadn't truly died and was, in his eyes, an abusive monster. After everything James had put Natalie through, Neal didn't intend on forgiving him so easily. It also didn't help James's case that he'd conjured up such an immense and intricate lie just so he could attempt to fit himself back into Neal's life again.

Neal wasn't going to allow his own father to play mind games with him. He'd gone through enough with Matthew and he wasn't going to submit to his father's lies. With Peter at his side, he was going to strengthen himself and refrain from allowing his father access to his life. Why should James be permitted to reach out when he was the reason all of this began? James was the reason he and his mother ran away from home. James was the reason Natalie was afraid of allowing another man into her life. James was the reason Neal initially never wanted to be a father. In a way, Neal feared that his father's alcoholic and abusive nature would be somewhat hereditary and he never wanted to harm a loved one the way his father harmed his mother.

James had lied to him and to Natalie. Neal hadn't admitted it aloud, but he'd never forgiven his father for what had been done to Natalie. She could have died and he couldn't imagine living his life without her. Even now, not seeing her twenty-four-seven was a little hard for him. He loves his mother immensely and he didn't want to forgive the man who nearly took her life.

In all honesty, Neal wasn't so sure that he'd ever be able to forgive his father's wrongdoings…

•◊•

Peter slid his fingers along the scars on Neal's left hip and proceeded to glide his fingers over the many scars on Neal's left leg. His head was resting on Neal's stomach after they'd finished making love and he was trying to help Neal relax further. Their sex hadn't been as passionate as it normally was, but he figured it was understandable considering Neal had come home upset and angry. Peter didn't blame Neal for that. He figured he himself would feel similarly if he'd been lied to the way James had lied to Neal.

Neal's head was resting on the pillows and his eyes were closed, but he focused on Peter's fingers. He focused on the warmth Peter spread through him with a simple touch, but it felt as though Neal's scars were burning when Peter touched them. It wasn't a painful kind of burning though. It was a longing and needful kind of burning. If Neal could make one wish, it would be to have his scars erased. He wanted to live a normal life with Peter, a life that didn't include self-inflicted scars. He felt like Peter deserved better than that even though Peter would never, ever come anywhere close to suggesting that he wanted someone who wasn't scarred.

Even though Neal resents himself for damaging his own body, he knew Peter would always be right here with him. Peter didn't care for physical beauty as much as he cared for emotional beauty and a beautiful personality. Neal tried to be everything Peter wanted even though he was scarred, but it wasn't too hard considering Peter simply wants him and his love. "I hope you know how much I love you," Peter whispered against his boyfriend's warm stomach. He sighed contentedly as he nuzzled his face against Neal's skin. Of course Neal knew how deeply in love he is. If the way he made love to Neal hadn't suggested that he was very in love with Neal, he figured the kisses and gentle whispers filled with loving sentiments had done the trick.

"I know," Neal said softly. Peter glanced up at his boyfriend just as Neal was beginning to open his eyes. "Peter, thank you for always—"

"Hush," Peter demanded gently. He kissed his boyfriend's stomach and couldn't help the fact that he was gliding his lips over several scars. "Don't thank me for anything, sweetheart. I'm here for you and I always will be." Neal tangled his fingers in Peter's hair and sighed contentedly. "How're you feeling?" He felt compelled to ask because he understood the pain of losing a parent and he was trying to understand how it felt to be lied to about the death of a parent.

Neal shrugged and murmured, "I don't want to believe that he faked his death just so he could see me again." He cradled the back of Peter's head and looked at the older man sadly. "I have to tell mom that he's been watching her. I have to tell her that he's alive." He swallowed hard and whispered, "I have to protect her from him."

Peter's brows furrowed as he asked, "Wouldn't your stepfather do everything he could to protect her?"

"Yes," Neal admitted, "but my mother doesn't like asking for help. He'd do anything for her and she's told him about some of the things my dad put her through. I can only imagine he'll want to protect her from him as well." It hurt his heart to think about what his father could do to his mother. Vincent would protect Natalie at all costs because she meant the world to him, but there was absolutely no telling as to whether or not James intended on inflicting more pain upon Natalie. "Before I talk to her, I…need to talk to… _him._ "

Peter stared at his boyfriend incredulously, but he knew he couldn't change Neal's mind now. Neal was prepared to do whatever it took to protect his mother and ensure that she wasn't going to be hurt again. In this case, that also meant he needed to personally speak to the man who was most responsible for her protection…

•◊•

Neal glanced up nervously when a man stood beside the table he was seated at. Vincent's eyes were locked onto him and he was glaring daggers at him. The pure hatred and disgust in his eyes made Neal's stomach do somersaults. He desperately wanted this man to stop looking at him as though he were the most wretched being on the planet. "I don't know why you've called me here," he muttered, "but I'd like to get this over with."

Staring at the man who'd hurt him as he proceeded to take his seat across from Neal made Neal's heart clench tightly. He was fully aware that his own father could have killed Natalie and that this man could have easily killed him simply because of his sexuality. Natalie always put him first and he was putting Natalie first now. Personal feelings about Vincent aside, he needed to make sure he was doing what was best for his mother. "Did mom tell you about my father?" Vincent's brows furrowed as he shook his head. "She told me recently that he'd died—in a house fire." Vincent's glare softened for a moment, but Neal shook his head. "He isn't dead. He followed me yesterday." The look on Vincent's face amazed Neal. He'd never seen Vincent look so concerned before. "I…haven't told her yet. I called you here because I want to ask you to look out for her like you always have. If he chooses to come searching for her, she's going to get hurt." Neal could respect this man's love for his mother because he knew Vincent would always do whatever he could for her. "Things between you and I are complicated and are probably beyond repair, but I'm asking that you _please_ protect mom."

Vincent could hear the desperation in his stepson's voice and knew he was telling the truth. Since coming into Natalie and Neal's life, Neal had never once mentioned his father because he didn't feel the need to. After hearing about the abuse Natalie had suffered through from her personally, he couldn't blame Neal for not wanting to discuss his biological father. The fact that he was pleading with Vincent to protect Natalie spoke volumes to Vincent. "You know I'd do anything for her."

"That's why I went to you rather than the police," Neal said. "I know you love her. Despite the fact that you hate me, I know how much you love my mom. I've never cared for you in the slightest, but you've never hurt my mom." He swallowed hard before whispering, "You're the only man I can trust with my mom's life, Vincent."

The older man looked down at the tabletop in silence for several moments before whispering, "I don't hate you, Neal." He glanced up to meet his stepson's eyes and added, "I hate your sexuality. I hate that you're gay." Neal knew all of this, so he didn't understand why Vincent felt the need to reiterate any of this. "You're Natalie's only son, Neal. She and I could never have children together because I'm incapable of…" Neal's lips parted at that. He'd always wondered if his mother weren't interested in having another child, but this explained quite a bit. "She's made me realize how badly I treated you and she's threatened to leave me. Your mother loves you more than anything and I would like to…apologize…for everything I put you through."

Neal didn't know how to respond to that. He'd never imagined hearing those words escape his stepfather's lips. This man was above apologies, especially when it came to his gay stepson. "I…"

Vincent shook his head. "I am not asking for your forgiveness. It was just time that I apologized to you." He looked away from Neal for a moment before whispering, "I'm so sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not taking your medication seriously. I'm sorry for not being the father you've always wanted and needed in your life." Neal's eyes watered. He figured his mother was responsible for this, but hearing Vincent say all of this did kind of change the way he looked at the man. "You're a good son and I know how much you love your mother. I know how much she loves you and I know I should love you as though you are my own son." He swallowed hard and closed his eyes before saying, "I had no right to abuse you. I had no right to slander you and your sexuality. I wish I could take everything back and start over."

Staring at the man in front of him, he could see that Vincent deeply regretted all of the suffering he'd inflicted upon Neal. He'd seen Vincent this way with his mother after threatening Neal's life, so he knew Vincent had taken time to think about all of this. "I'm…thankful for your apology," he whispered. Vincent opened his eyes and looked at Neal apologetically. "If you protect mom from my father, I'll…"

"If you want to come home, you're more than welcome to," Vincent whispered. "I fixed your bedroom months ago, but I couldn't muster up the strength to look you in the eye after everything I did." He began to blink rapidly as he said, "I found the noose in your closet when I was going through your clothing." Neal's eyes widened and his lips parted. "It was a tie I'd given you. Did you tie it there simply out of spite or did you actually attempt to hang yourself in your closet?" Neal didn't answer him, but that was answer enough for the older man. "I'm so sorry for driving you so close to suicide. Neal, I wasn't kind to you in the slightest, but I can't imagine actually losing you. You are my son. I can't even imagine the hell your death would cause your mother—and it would have been my fault if you'd succeeded. It would have been an unnecessary, unforgivable, and preventable death that I led you to."

"I don't want to come home," he admitted. Vincent nodded as though he were expecting that. "I've been living with…with…"

"Your boyfriend," Vincent filled in for him. "Your mother has told me about Peter. I haven't met him, but I like and respect him." He chuckled sadly as he murmured, "If your mother likes him, he must be treating you right and making you happy." Neal nodded silently. He hadn't expected Vincent to ever calmly recognize his sexuality and the fact that he wants to live his life with another man. "The road to accepting you as you are will be difficult, but I'm willing to try, Neal. I was wrong about you before and I'm learning to look at you as a young man rather than as a homosexual." Neal watched as a tear slid down the side of Vincent's face. "I'm learning to consider you my son. You are my son, Neal, and I should be the father you expected me to be before coming out to me."

In all honesty, Neal didn't even know what to say. Too many things were surprising him lately. Being told his father had died, discovering that his father was very much alive, and hearing everything Vincent was saying to him was throwing him off. He'd never expected any of these things to happen. His father is a liar and Vincent… Vincent seemed like he genuinely wanted to change.

Nodding, Neal quietly said, "I'm willing to allow you the opportunity you're seeking." He wanted to show Vincent his maturity. Vincent was going to acknowledge him as a man and as his son. In the end, this would work to both of their benefits. Neal would be allowed to visit his mother whenever he wished rather than planning secret meetings with her so he didn't have to come anywhere near Vincent. Vincent was going to make his wife a very happy woman when he admitted to her that he'd given a previous conversation of theirs a generous amount of consideration and that he'd actually gone through with it.

All Natalie wanted was for Vincent to accept Neal. It had taken quite some time and would continue to take time, but Vincent was willing to make the effort to look beyond Neal's sexuality and see the man and son he's been since coming into Vincent's life. Vincent couldn't have children of his own, so it was in his best interest to take care of the only individual he could consider his child. He'd listened to Natalie talk about Neal for hours and he could admire the boy who'd loved his mother more than anything as well as the young man sitting opposite him who continued to love his mother beyond words.

Even though Neal never wanted to forgive Vincent for all of the abuse he'd unleashed upon him, he was going to try to make amends with his stepfather. He'd respected Vincent and looked up to him prior to coming out and he wanted to look at Vincent that way again. He wanted to consider this man his father again. Like Vincent, all of this was going to take time. Neal needed to allow himself time to heal and attempt to move past the abuse.

Neal would never forget the abuse though.

He would never forget watching his mother suffer for him and he would never forget suffering for her in return.

In the end, Neal would rather associate himself with a man who was willing to try to change the way things are than he was a man who took advantage of the people he should call his family. Even though Vincent had abused him and told him numerous times that he wished Neal were dead, Neal was willing to make amends with his stepfather.

He would never forget their past, but he was willing to move on. What amazed him was the tentative and slightly nervous question Vincent asked him after moments of silence had ensued. He'd whispered, "May I meet your boyfriend?"

Vincent was willing to take that step towards acceptance and Neal wanted nothing more than to grant him that. If Vincent could learn to accept Neal's sexuality despite his own personal beliefs, Neal could look forward to family gatherings once he and Peter started their family. Things were turning around now and Neal didn't want to turn a potentially good opportunity away.

 **A/N: I'm so sorry for neglecting this fic for so long, but I've honestly missed it and I'm hoping to work on it more than I have in the last several months. Thank you so much for continuing to read this fic after I took an extended break from it!**


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